My What IF

What if my next pregnancy results in the loss of the life of my child, or even my own?

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), I wanted to participate in the Stirrup Queen's Project IF, in which I explore my "What if" in relation to my infertility. I was given an option between four groups in which to place my current internal battle, and I chose how my infertility affects the choices and plans I made in my life.

My battle with infertility has been caused by PCOS and moderate endometriosis, both of which were positively diagnosed during a laparoscopy. During that procedure, a uterine septum was removed in such a way that it weakened the fundus of my uterus that resulted in a near placental abruption during my pregnancy with my daughter. It had taken us 3 years to bring our child into the world, and we knew we wanted more. Because we both know the seriousness of my endometriosis, we had planned to not wait more than 6 months before trying to add another member to our family. However, the rupture put a damper on those plans, and we were forced to take at least a year off of trying again.

At the end of the year, I was given a sonogram to determine if my uterus was ready to house another baby, and it was determined it was not. At least not without surgery to remove a weakened section. It was while we were exploring surgery that we were faced with the risks of another pregnancy, the biggest one being uterine rupture that could result in the loss of fetal life, or even my own.

We have been told that the chances of that happening are anywhere from slim to likely, depending on the doctor.

As someone who has fought the very depths of hell to become a mother in the first place, it is not within me to not give everything I have to bring another child into this world. I did it once before, I can and will do it again.

I have moments where I let the enormity of my bullheadedness sneak in. I allow myself to think about the potential consequences of my actions. In a perfect world, my pregnancy will be picture perfect, and none of the bad things that could happen, will. But what if the picture in my head is not how reality will play out?

What if I rupture in my bed in the middle of the night? Time is everything when it comes to saving my baby. If my baby is not removed in even as little as 5 minutes after a rupture, it could bleed out inside of me and be dead before doctors can even get to it. Meaning if it happens in my bed in the middle of the night, my child has very little chance of survival.

What if I rupture while I am driving my car?

What if I rupture at the grocery store?

What if I have a placental abruption where the placenta breeches the uterus and implants into my internal organs? What are my chances of survival if that happens? What exactly does it mean to me if that happens? What does it mean to my child?

What if going through with this pregnancy and the complications that could stem leave me a vegetable, unable to know or enjoy everything I fought so hard to obtain?

What if I walk away from this without a living child and a body unable to try again because I have to have an immediate hysterectomy?

What if I can't live with myself because my need to procreate causes my next baby its life?

What if I don't make it, and I leave my husband a widower, and my daughter motherless?



What if the picture I have painted in my head is my reality, and I go on to have two more children, making my family the size my husband and I always wanted? I loved making my husband a father the first time, and I love the idea of handing him that title three times over. I love the idea of giving my daughter the title "sister." In the end, I have to go with what feels right, and put all of the "what if's" aside for what my heart tells me.

To learn more about infertility, please visit www.resolve.org/infertility101. To learn more or become a part of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) please visit www.resolve.org/takecharge. To read the "What IFs" of my infertile friends, please visit http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/.

*Phew!*

***Disclaimer - I am on three different kinds of allergy medications right now and may be a bit loopy in this post. It might be very scatterbrained. If it is, please just smile and nod - STUPID ALLERGIES!!!***

For the first time since the day my daughter was conceived, I got a positive OPK tonight!

*doing happy dance; throwing streamers at a party in my head*

For the last 23 months, I wondered if I would ever see one of those little fellas again.

Would everything still work after the pregnancy? Oh, never mind, I get to go on birth control. I tried to squeeze in OPKs in the two months before the IUD was placed, but I never got a positive. So I spent the 6 months with my IUD in freaking out and wondering if I would still ovulate on my own, or if I would have to undergo treatments again.

The IUD came out two months ago, and I didn't bother using OPKs that first month because I was pretty sure I wouldn't ovulate. I did, however, use them last month and never got a positive one. Instead I got an early visitor. As a result, and as you all know, I spent the last week or so worrying (i.e., freaking out) that I wouldn't get one and that my surgery next month was going to have to include some kind of repair to get me to ovulate on my own again.

Well, last night I got that lovely EWCM I have been waiting for (after a neg OPK). I did a happy dance. "I'm fertile!" Since the OPK I did before the appearance of EWCM was neg, I tried again later that night. Still neg.

But tonight, my friends, tonight I got what I have been waiting 23 months to confirm:

I OVULATED!!!

I have two beautiful positive OPKs sitting on the back of my toilet right now. I can't bring myself to toss them just yet because they stand as a beacon to me that my body is still working and doing its thing. To an infertile who didn't ovulate before surgery, this is a huge milestone. A heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

After 23 months, we have lift off. Positively, absolutely have had an egg release. And you know what? I know approximately when it happened today because I felt the ovulation pains.

Right now there is an egg floating in my fallopian tube. It sucks that it won't be fertilized. But I am glad that I know it is there, paving the way for the eggs that will come in the next three months.

My sanity can return to its normally scheduled programming now.

The Million Dollar Question

Today while I was bored at work, I read a blog that got me to thinking about how bad my allergies are right now and how the allergy medication I am taking is affecting me. It wasn't until after I read that blog and the writer talked about the disadvantages of decongestants for those of us who chart CM that I realized why I had been so unable to stay awake the last few days. I realize that has nothing to do with CM, but you have to know this epiphany hit me after I had fallen asleep at work and wondered why I have had such a hard time staying awake the last few days. It suddenly hit me that my drowsiness was being caused by my need to double up on my allergy meds, which aren't doing a thing for me anymore.

So like any other bored person does, I got on go.ogle. I found out that if you suffer from allergies, you need to switch your meds around every 3 months or your body gets used to the current medication and builds up an immunity to it. That immunity makes the drug useless at combating histamines. Wish I'd know that last week!!!

I am really awesome about being easily distracted or going off on strange tangents for no reason (just ask my husband). As such, my google search led me to looking into what else in this world contributes to endometriosis. I guess I really just wanted to make sure caffeine really is at the top of the list because I was really hankering for a frapp today when I realized I couldn't make a baby (someone is fertile right now [hint: its me]) until after my surgery. Hey, if I can't have one, I might as well have the other, right?

Guess what I found out? I found out that EDAMAME, one of my ALL-TIME FAVORITE things in this world, and that my freezer is currently stocked with, contributes to endo.

FREAKING WHAT?!?!?!

Yeah, apparently soy in almost all formats, save three, contribute. I've been sucking down edamame like it was made just for me to eat by myself. I LOVE that stuff.

I have to admit, I was a little angry. I still am. I'm not sure I believe it.

I kept reading down the list of things I shouldn't have, and it included meat, dairy, wheat, sugar, and chocolate. I wanted to throw my hands up and ask the cosmos exactly what was safe for a woman with endo to eat then? Walnuts and fruit. Bite me.

After looking at that list I came to the realization that apparently there is nothing in this world that doesn't contribute to endo.

Waking up in the morning contributes to my endo.

Brushing my teeth contributes to endo, as does not brushing them.

Using OPKs definitely contributes to endo.

Showers contribute to endo.

The list goes on and on. So what is a girl to do?

That is the million dollar question, my friends. And the answer for me is:

Enjoy life, you only go around once.

Why spend my life denying myself all of the things I love best? What person in their right mind can live without eating meat, dairy, chocolate, and edamame? No one who is sane, I can tell you that much. And hello, I live in TEXAS! If I don't eat meat, they will run me out of this state on a rail.

I've been saying for years that life is terminal. We all go one day from one thing or another. I don't want to look back on my life and regret anything, if I can help it. I am not about to not enjoy the things in this world that bring me pleasure because they contribute to a disease I have. We all have something, and this is mine.

Endo, you can stick it where the sun don't shine! This girl is going to continue sucking down edamame and enjoying the occasional frappuchino!

The Hardest Part

The hardest part about my current situation is that I want to say, "Screw the surgery, let's get pregnant now!" Perhaps I feel that way because I am ready to ovulate any minute, or perhaps it is the little niggling feeling I have that the longer I wait to start trying again, the longer it will take.

The thought that makes all of this even harder is Dr's Jensen and Rose didn't see anything wrong with my getting pregnant even with that weak spot. It might bump up my risk of rupture a percentage point or two, but they thought it would be just fine.

When I told Hubs I was thinking about not waiting for the surgery, he was NOT happy about the idea. He said I might as well ask him to "off" me. He was still a no-go after I reminded him about what the May.o doctors said.

Like I said, I might feel so strongly right now because O is just around the corner, and I am sure it is throwing my hormones for a loop. It doesn't help when I realize I am still 4+ months away from even trying again.

I guess I will just try to curb the feelings for a couple more days and see if they go away after I get my positive OPK.

You know, trying NOT to get pregnant when you're an infertile really sucks!

Ramblings

There are so many things I would like to blog about, but none of them has enough stuff and fluff to make it a blog post all by itself. So with that in mind I present you, a bulleted overview:

• Apparently I am unable to leave thoughtful blog comments unless I am sitting in my bed at night after a shower with my glasses on, or at my computer at work while waiting on things from other people. Anywhere else, under different circumstances, or if one of the above is not present, my brain just cannot fully delve into comment mode.
• I think I may have my cycle days off in regard to getting my positive OPK. I started spotting a few days before AF was due this cycle and took it as AF rearing three days early, when in all reality, it could have just been spotting leading up to the full blown AF. I know I shouldn't be confused, but it is a long story. If this is the case, I am only on CD12, rather than CD15. *phew*
• Baby Bean had a bumper of a week. The little doll likes to bang her head on things like tables or other people's heads. She thinks it is great fun. When she first stared going to the toddler class at daycare, it freaked her teacher out. I told her it was okay and that one day Baby Bean would do it hard enough she wouldn't do it again. I picked her up from daycare on Tuesday with a black eye. Apparently her forehead missed the table, and she smacked her cheekbone instead.
• Today she was walking out to the car so we could go to the store, and she tripped over the front of her shoe, landing on her knees. She has officially had her first knee scrape. Apparently my daughter has a high pain tolerance, as she only cried for less than a minute, and not very loud at that. When I put her in her car seat, I noticed the knee I hadn't checked (because I thought she landed on the other one) was bloody. :( Baby Bean does NOT like bandaides.
• I became an even bigger fan of Cos.tco this week. I was researching dog food and trying to determine if the Sci.ence Di.et I was currently getting was better I.ams. It turns out, both aren't that great. But what did rank above both and rather highly was Cos.tco's Kirk.land Si.gnature. It has better ingredients across the board, and costs $20 for a 40lb bag. I was paying $35 for a 35lb bag. Not only is it better, but my dogs won't need to eat as much of it because there is less filler, saving me even more money while doing something better for my dogs. Who knew?
• In addition to the dog food, Cos.tco sells one of my all-time favorite things in this world to eat. Edamame! Up until last week, I couldn't find any edamame I liked anywhere but P.ei W.ei, and let's face it, I couldn't justify $3 per box from P.ei W.ei each and every time I had a craving, which is A LOT. I decided last week to try the kind they sell at Cos.tco, and I was amazed! It is every bit as good as the stuff at P.ei W.ei and costs around .75 cents for the same amount. I've been pigging out all week.

I am sure I had more to write about, but I can't remember what it was, so I guess I am off to read and comment on other blogs now.

Geez

We all know that I am approximately 4.5 months away from being able to start trying to get knocked up again. So why is my inner infertile already doing her best to freak me out? Guess who has been doing OPKs the last two days? That would be me. Why? Because if I don't ovulate this month, I want to be sure to bring that up in my pre-opp appointment. I justify it to myself by saying that if I don't know, and I don't bring it up, Dr. D might not know he should be looking for reasons as to why when he is performing the surgery.

So here are the thoughts my inner infertile is screaming at me right now:

• "You totally should NOT be drinking frappuchinos again, even if you are going in for an endo cleanout in 5 weeks! Who knows how long it takes that caffeine to manifest itself as endo. Maybe what you are drinking now won't show its face until 3 months down the road. Did you ever think of that?" Consequently, I had my last frapp this morning. :(
• As an infertile, I am all too aware of keeping an eye on my CM, always looking for that good EWCM. I haven't seen it yet. Not even close. I'm on CD14 tomorrow. "Try not to freak out little one, you ovulated on CD19 before the baby. Maybe you ovulated earlier last month, but maybe this month will be a little later than last month." But then I start to panic and wonder if I remember seeing it last month. If I did, it wasn't much, so maybe I didn't ovulate. Shit!
• Is EWCM always supposed to gush out, or is it sometimes slow and you have to reach in to find it? (Excuse the boldness on the blog [Mom, if you know what I'm talking about, I'm sorry!].) I didn't start tracking this stuff until after my surgery, so I don't remember what it was like before. I do know after my surgery it was kind of gross because there was so much.
• Then I think back over the ultrasounds I have had in the past 3 months where a cyst was present on opposite ovaries every month. But according to the RE at May.o, just because there is a cyst, it doesn't mean an egg wasn't released. Sometimes the corpus luteum just doesn't disintegrate properly, and so turns into a cyst.
• I'm on CD13 and used OPKs tonight and last night. I didn't hold my urine for 4 hours before either test, so maybe that throws things off a bit. Who really knows? There WAS a faint line both nights, and I think tonight's was a tad darker. Initially it brings relief. But then I realize that line may not get darker in the next few days. What if it doesn't? Shit!
• "Okay, don't panic. Remember how after your lap you had seriously awesome EWCM? Maybe that will happen again after this surgery. Don't start freaking out yet. You can't even try for a baby right now anyway."
• "You know what? If things aren't working down there and I'm not ovulating, I need to know before my surgery. I need to let Dr. D know."
• "What if I go through this surgery and I still don't ovulate? Shit! Then I get to start doing treatments again. Please God, no."
• "f I have to do cycles again, would Dr. D help me, or would I have to find a new RE? I mean, he told me I shouldn't get pregnant again before I met the doctors at May.o. He can straight up tell me he won't cycle me, even though the RE at May.o told me what she would do to treat me if I wasn't ovulating after the surgery. She honestly thinks I will be fine to get pregnant, and I trust her.
• If Dr. D won't help me, I need to start tracking down a new RE and hope I can find one close by so I won't have to miss a lot of work in driving to and from appointments.
• I pray that OPK line is a wee bit darker tomorrow, and that my EWCM shows up.
• Maybe my cycle is still trying to re-regulate after the IUD. Maybe?
• Why does it matter, I'm not cycling right now anyway.
• GAH!!!!!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Once an infertile, always an infertile....

The 5-Second Idiot

Today I was at the hospital installation taking a look at all of the changes that have been made since I was last there two weeks ago. My company is going to sign over all of our equipment the middle of next week, and then my sight visits as a contractor will be over. The next time I grace those hallways, it will be as a patient, and hopefully one in the maternity ward who leaves with a healthy baby.

Being in the situation I am currently in, I can't help but walk the hallways of the maternity ward every time I go to the installation. I go look at both c-section operating suites and wonder which one I will be in when I give birth to my next baby. Then I walk down the hallway to the recovery suites and wonder which one will be mine. After that I walk to the nursery and envision the day I look through the glass at my child. I finish up my walk by going down the hall with all of the L&D rooms.

As the hospital is so near completion, they now have full-time staff in there getting to know all of the new equipment and the ropes of the new hospital. I loved knowing that I have a part in their training. I loved knowing that they are all using the equipment my coworkers created, tested, and carried to completion. I love knowing they will read my manuals when they learn how to use this equipment.

Today as I slowly walked my L&D route, there was a group of nurses at the nursing station. I smiled, and walked past as I looked into each of the L&D rooms and smiled that the hospital had even bought beds from my company. I don't work in the division that makes them, so it was my first time seeing them. One of the ladies called out and asked if she could help me with something. I told her no, that I was just looking at the equipment manufactured by my company.

I was feeling a little social, as I usually do when I am in a good mood and thinking about the fact that I will get to have another baby, so I struck up a conversation with the nurses. I informed them I hoped to be a patient there in the next 12 months. Of course my situation came up, which I should have known better than to try to talk about to these women. Why? Well, because they are in the field of delivering babies, and to them my rupture is a death sentence. Within seconds of opening my mouth, they had labeled me as an idiot and were horrified that I was going to attempt pregnancy again.

I then spent the next few minutes explaining to them that I had been to see three REs (they had no idea what an RE is) and a high risk OB, who all cleared me for pregnancy after surgery. Of course then they began to tell me about my risks, such as placental ablation, which is where the placenta makes its way outside of the uterus and implants in organs.

Why did I open my mouth? Idiot! I then explained to them that I had heard it all, and I meant heard it all. I had been through every possible scenario with my doctors, and they all agreed I was okay to proceed with a pregnancy. The nurses, however, were not convinced. I am sure they know so much better than the experts who fix such things as ruptures or do the actual bringing of babies into the world.

I left there a bit jaded. I know they all think I'm an idiot for trying to get pregnant again because a story like mine cannot be told in a matter of minutes, least of all to people who think they know better than me or my specialist doctors. I further know they talked about me after I left and how they all think I am an idiot.

Please ladies, do you really think that everyone out there is so stupid as to blindly enter into a pregnancy in my situation? Do you really think my doctors wouldn't have told me what I was up against? And do you further think that just because you might not do your homework on it that it means the rest of the world wouldn't either? I mean, none of you even knew what an RE is for pete's sake! So give me a little credit here.

I really should learn to not tell people in the medical field about my story. They always assume that my bliss is because of ignorance, when in fact, it is completely the opposite. I know exactly what I am up against. I know exactly what kinds of things could go wrong. My bliss comes from the peace that I have inside that this is the right thing to do, despite what could happen.

The good thing is, I am GREAT at blocking out things I don't want to remember. I know I won't remember any of those nurses except for the one, and sadly, she was not only the most vocal, but she is also the head of the maternity ward. Hopefully we won't meet again. She can think I am an idiot from our 5-second conversation, and I can think she is.

Welcome ICLW!

Hello fellow ICLWers! I am excited to once again take part in this wonderful week of commenting like a mad woman. For the story about my fight against infertility, see the post below, or click this link. It is the Rea.der's Di.gest version of a very long story, which I am sure most of you understand.

For my regular readers, I would like to share some exciting news!

First up, I am sure you all noticed my fabulous blog redesign! Two of my best friends, AD and JM, teamed up to redesign my blog for me. It was their way of showing me how much they loved me. They picked Kelsey from Kreated by Kelsey, who also did Leah's blog a while back, to perform the makeout. They loved her work so much, they chose her to design their lovely gift. When I first saw what Kelsey had worked up for me yesterday, my eyes literally welled up. She had hit the nail on the head, and it was like she knew me well enough to know what I wanted. I had no idea it would turn out so spectacular! In addition to the awesome redesign, she was fantastic to work with, and turned it all around in a matter of a couple days. I'm thinking of having her do my secondary blog too. :)

Thanks AD and JM for the pick-me-up! I love you girls so much!

Secondly, I finally got the call with a date for my surgery! Of course it came about an hour after I scheduled an appointment for this Thursday with another RE in the area. Hubs thinks I should just cancel the latter. I mean, we've technically already had a second, third, and fourth opinion from our visit to Mayo. Either way, the date for surgery has been set for May 28th.

That should give me plenty of time to finish up my huge project at work and tie up my work with a pretty bow. I know, famous last words. The team has been notified of the date, as well as my PM, so if things aren't done before I am off for 3-6 weeks, well, they won't have me to blame!

I am just happy we finally have progress! The ball is officially rolling!

Hmmm... I don't think I used enough exclamation points in this post. Perhaps I have not accurately conveyed my happiness right now. Let me just close with a few more.

Happy ICLW!!!!

Our Journey Through Infertility

This is my story of infertility

In October of 2006, I set foot in the infertility clinic for the first time. I sat in the waiting room alone, completely naive to the infertile nightmare my life was about to become. Completely oblivious and innocent to the war that was being waged against me on the other side of the door to the exam rooms. I had no idea the reason behind my very existence was about to be called into question.

Sweet, innocent girl that I was thought all I needed was a dose or two of chlomid and I would be pregnant by Christmas. I envisioned giving everyone the news on Christmas day of that year. If only I had known....

That day was the beginning of an almost 2 year battle that tested my marriage, my relationships, my ability to trust my instinct, my purpose in life, and my very metal. I knew that day that I had two choices, if my battle was harder and longer than I anticipated, I could either shrivel up and let it taint everything in my world, or I could use what I was about to go through to become a better person and help educate others. I chose the latter. I also chose to never feel bad for myself no matter what happened. I would always be open and honest about our journey, and I would always accept the support of family and friends.

We did it all, except IVF. Chlomid alone, chlomid with injetibles, injectibles with IUI, and finally I had a laparoscopy. Given the choice between a $2k surgery or a $13k round of IVF, I felt my options were a no-brainer. It was during my lap that I was positively diagnosed with extensive and moderate endometriosis, PCOS, and a septated uterus. During that 3-hour surgery my endo was resected, my ovaries drilled, my septum removed, and my appendix removed. What is normally an out-patient procedure became an in-patient procedure, and my 2-day recovery turned into a 6-week recovery.

A few months after that surgery, my husband and I relocated to Texas with my current employer. During the 7 months after my surgery, we only really tried to get pregnant once, and seven was our lucky number.

The day I visited my OB in Texas for the first time to pick up treatments again, she asked me three times to take a pregnancy test before I finally relented. I will never forget that day because my doctor came back into the room after I peed in the cup and told me I was pregnant. Nine beautiful months later, my darling girl, Baby Bean, was born. It was one of the best days of my life, and one that started our infertility off in a completely new direction.

The day my daughter was born we learned that her placenta had grown through a weakened spot in my uterus created by the removal of my septum . It had grown all the way through my uterus (aka - placental ablation) and was about to breach the outside wall. Luckily I had been told by the doctor who removed my septum that I would need to have a c-section if I ever got pregnant, just to be safe. When my doctor tried to pull the placenta free, it ruptured my uterus.

After 6 weeks on pins and needles, we were told we would be able to have more children, but that future pregnancies would be high risk, and that we had to wait at least a year. Six months after my daughter was born, I had an IUD placed to prevent pregnancy while we allowed the rupture time to heal.

On February 4, 2010, I had the IUD removed. On February 19, 2010 I had a sonogram that revealed the rupture had not healed the way we would have liked and had left a weak spot behind that could cause serious complications during a pregnancy, such as another rupture that could cost my baby its life. We were then referred to an RE for surgery to repair the weak spot.

Our first RE painted us a very bleak picture in which he told us pregnancy even after repairing the weak spot could result in an early baby, which could also result in a blind or retarded child, IF the child lived. It could also cost me my life. He convinced me that if I went through a pregnancy I would end up with a hysterectomy. Told me I would be in the hospital from 24 weeks pregnant until the end just to ensure I was in medical hands as soon as possible, should a rupture occur. He told us the chances of those things happening were very high, and told us to consider not having any more children, and to consider surrogacy.

Not willing to take what he said sitting down, we sought a second opinion with the doctor's at the Mayo clinic on April 9th. It turned out to be money well spent. We had three doctors, two of which were REs and one of which was a high risk OB, who told us our RE in Texas was being extremely over conservative and that there was no reason we couldn't go on to have many more children. They also told us that the risks our RE gave us had small chances of occurring, as in 1-7% or even .09% as opposed to the 50-95% chance we had been previously quoted.

On May 28th, 2010 I underwent a metroplasty with saline repair of the uterus. My RE cleaned up any and all endo he found, which this time was minimal, and ensured there was a good relationship between my ovaires and tubes, as well as checked to ensure my tubes were clear. After the surgery he told me the weak spot was "an impressive defect" and more extensive than he had originally thought, but that it worked in our favor, as he was able to find and stitch all three layers of the uterus together, ensuring a good bond between the two sides and increasing our chances of a full-term pregnancy.

We have been told by a high risk OB here in Texas that the most likely scenario for a future pregnancy is that I will go full term and deliver anywhere between 37-39 weeks, depending on when contractions begin. I will not be allowed to labor, which is perfectly fine with me.

The repair healed better than anyone could have hoped, and we were given a huge green light from our RE to start TTC again. In August 2010, we were officially back in the saddle.

Our first month was a disappointing BFN, and then the next three months were fraught with eratic spotting during the TWW. In December I visited the RE to see if we could determine the cause of the spotting. It was discovered then that I was not producing enough estrogen to create a thick enough uterine lining to support a pregnancy. I found myself once again back in the disappointing ranks of infertility while sporting double estrogen patches.

I am learning to deal with the hand life has dealt me with grace and a positive attitude. I refuse to let my infertility beat me or destroy my dreams of having multiple children. I am determined to give this my all and fight for the one thing I want above anything else in this life: children.

Taking It Easy

Well friends, I have to say, it has been kind of nice taking a break from blogging. It has taken so much pressure off of me, and I really needed that. I needed to not stress about what I was going to post next and spend all day thinking of how to word the perfect post. I needed to not put pressure on myself to keep up with blogs while trying to balance all of the other plates I already had on sticks. I missed everyone, and I still checked in from time-to-time, leaving comments here and there. Honestly, I'm not 100% certain I'm ready to jump back in both feet first just yet. We just have so much going on right now, and I still need a break from all of this crazy stress. I find that most of the time I feel like I'm floating along just fine only to step on a trip wire that sends everyone around my flying in all different directions after the explosion.

Okay, its not THAT bad, not even close... but it kind of feels like it to me.

For the most part I keep things hidden from most folks pretty well. But the people who are closest to me see the front lines first hand. I try to make up for it by showering them with love and affection. It must work because they all still love me. :)

No update on the surgery front, and I have to admit it is really starting to cheese me (i.e., make me angry). I called my RE last Tuesday to schedule the appt, and he was out until Thursday. So I sat by my stinking phone all day Thursday... waiting for the call... nothing. I called Friday morning to follow up on it... I had to leave a message. At 4:30 in the afternoon I received a call... to tell me they hadn't schedule my surgery yet.

Seriously? You called me to tell me you hadn't scheduled it? Why didn't you just schedule it instead of calling me to tell me you hadn't done it yet? *scratches chin and raises one eyebrow*

I got no phone call again today.

As an infertile, it is my DUTY, nay RIGHT to be impatient. Every day this surgery is postponed could mean that I am yet ANOTHER month away from trying for a pregnancy.

So I have three options:

1. I can call back again tomorrow morning and leave another insistent message that this get scheduled.
2. I can find another RE, which I will be honest, I already started looking into today. I called one, filled out paperwork, and am waiting for them to call me back to schedule an appointment.
3. Get pregnant without fixing the weak spot, as the doctors at Mayo didn't think it would be that big of a deal. They preferred I get it fixed, but said I didn't have to.

RESULTS PEOPLE! THIS WOMAN NEEDS RESULTS NOW! This isn't a game to me. I will give my current RE until end of business tomorrow to schedule and call, or else I am moving onto someone else.

On a very happy note, I am going home for Mother's Day! I haven't been home since last July when my mother had her mastectomy. It has been waaaay too long. I have been so very homesick. I miss my home.

The Race for the Cure for breast cancer happens to be going on the weekend I go home. My mom kind of mentioned she wanted to go while I was telling her I wanted to come home. When she said she didn't want to go alone, I told her I would come home and go with her. She was so excited. I was so excited! So I booked plane tickets!

If all goes according to plan, I will take a picture while I am home that will give you all a hint as to where I grew up. There is a TV show that is being filmed there now, and I plan to take a picture with one of the folks from the show, if I can swing it. I watch that show regularly, and it makes my homesickness more acute. I see the sights of where I spent the first 28 years of my life, and I ache to go home for a bit.

Anyway, that is my update. I will close with a funny story. Yesterday Baby Bean and I were playing on the bed, and we both came toward each other at the same time. *SMACK* She headbutted me on the nose! It hurt so stinking bad! Hubs asked if I was okay and came to check on me first. I told him to leave me and get the baby because she was crying too. It was so funny. Today she has a bruise right in the middle of her forehead, and I have a swollen and slightly bruised nose bridge. Being headbutted by a baby is NO fun! Take note of that.

Until We Meet Again

My husband's grandpa passed away Monday night. He will be very sorely missed. I am just glad that he had the opportunity to meet Baby Bean and that we were able to spend as much time with him as we did before he passed on.

I still haven't quite wrapped my head around the fact that he is gone. Once I do, I know it will be a rough day.

Baby Bean's first trip to great-grandpa's after she was born.

Christmas at great-grandpa's

We love you grandpa, and we will miss you terribly. Thank you for being such an important part of our lives and for the blessing you were to us, and especially to my husband. The world will not be the same without you. You were a great, loving, caring man. I am glad I got to know and love you.

During this time, I will be taking a break from blogging for a week or so. I need to take some time to get my life back in order while focusing on me, my marriage, and my family. The past few months have been a crazy whirlwind full of ups and downs with lots of circling inbetween. I will be back soon and will miss you all, but something in my life has to give right now, and the only thing that can is my blogs.

Thank you all for your understanding, prayers, love, and support. I love you all dearly.

Blogging IRL

One of my absolute favorite parts about this past weekend was that I got to meet one of my favorite and long time blog friends, Leah, from Life According to Leah. I was more excited to meet her than I was for the appointment. She and I go way back and have shared a very special bond and friendship. I couldn't believe I was going to have the opportunity to meet her.

The second we met, it was like I was greeting an old friend. We talked the entire time we were together. We never ran out of things to say. I loved every second of it. I could have kept on talking to her for ages. She was every bit as wonderful as I knew she would be. I have to admit, she is part of the reason I wanted to have the surgery done at Mayo. I loved the idea of spending more time with her, and getting the opportunity to meet Tammy, since we didn't get to meet up this weekend. Tammy was off meeting her new adopted embies instead! (Tammy, I think you're pregnant! Just for the record.) I was really bummed when I found out Mayo is out of network.

Jill, in response to your comment, my out of pocket for out of network is only $3500, but once you add in travel, hotel, transportation, and food, the bill sky rockets to a gobsmacking $5-6k. Dr. Jensen said I would be in the hospital for 2-3 days, and then she would want us to stick around for a week after that just to ensure everything was going well. I just can't justify that cost when I can get it done here for less than 1/3 of the cost by a doctor who is equally as qualified. :( Its a total bummer.

I called my RE here and told him what the doctors at Mayo had said. Not about him being crazy overly conservative, but about how I had the opportunity to meet with a high risk OB and his thoughts on a pregnancy. He seemed to take it the way I intended, which was to give him information he didn't already have and in a very positive way. I did my dangdest to keep things very positive because I know I need him for this surgery. I could go to another doctor, but honestly, I'm tired of telling my story to doctors. I'm ready to get the ball rolling, and this guy has a history of surgeries similar to mine.

Toward the end of the phone call, Dr. D wished me the best with my surgery at Mayo. I told him that I actually wanted him to do it, if he was willing to. I stopped myself short of saying Mayo was out of network. :D He seemed really excited and surprised. He said he was definitely up for doing it for me. I figure leaving the Mayo part out would be an ego boost, and am hoping it means he'll do an even better job because I picked him over them. ;) ;) I intend to tell him that Dr. Jensen thought that he might be more qualified in this situation anyway (she really did).

In closing, I wanted to share a little about Baby Bean this weekend. The little doll is starting to pick up words! This weekend she learned how to say "more please" and she even signs it while she says it. She also says, "Mine!" "Night, night" and "Bye bye." In addition to that, if you ask her what a dog says, sometimes she will say, "Woof! Woof!"

She handled the whole weekend like a champ. She slept a little on both flights, and because she has tubes in her ears, she never had pressure build up. She didn't mind waking up at 6:00 a.m. on Friday morning, and was a perfect angel the whole weekend. We had sooo many comments about how adorable she is, how well behaved she is, and what a happy baby she is. *being modest* I know, she really is great, isn't she? Her mama sure does love her. Here are a couple of cute pictures I got of her this weekend, including a little video of her on the plane just after takeoff.

At the hotel - My best friend who offered to surrogate made this dress for Baby Bean's 1st birthday

On the way back to the airport

BUMMER!

After a little footwork on my part today, I have found that Mayo is not in-network for my insurance. I am seriously bummed about that, but at the same time, it all works out just fine. I won't have to pay for plane tickets, hotel rooms, transportation, or meals now. I can convalesce at home after the surgery and be near my family, friends, and pets. I won't have to get through airport security and on a plane with a new incision across my belly. So while it is a bummer Dr. Jensen won't perform the surgery, it works out as far as cost savings and ease of recovery.

I called my RE here and left a message for him a bit ago, telling him I was excited to share the great news we got on Friday. I don't think he meant to be bleak as much as he meant to be cautious. I think he is looking forward to the information I will be giving him when he calls back.

Up next, schedule the surgery!

I Am a Case Study In Progress

Oh dear blog friends, I have been dying to update on what we heard yesterday. I was so cheesed last night when I was unable to write a blog post from my phone. All I could do was type a title! I seriously had a hard time falling asleep last night, even though I had been up since 5:30 a.m., because I was so excited about the whole day yesterday.

I am not sure how to write all of this out without this post becoming a mile long, so I will do it all in bullet point. Let me start out by saying I was gobsmacked with the information in each and every bullet point below.

• The doctors at Mayo seriously ROCK!!! I can't say that enough. They were sooo excited to meet us. We spent 2.5 hours there talking to two doctors and a fellow. TWO AND A HALF HOURS! I think they were so excited to meet us because, well, once again, they have never heard of a story like mine, and I know they want to be a part of it. I want them to be as well. The most impressive part is that they knew my entire story without looking at my records once. They even knew dates and details. Dr. Jensen said she had been looking over my records for the last two weeks. :o I couldn't believe it.
• We met with the Fellow first (and I can't remember his name, which makes me feel horrible). We went over our story with him, and right out of the gate he told us our doctor here was being very overly conservative. He told me that once this weak spot is fixed, he saw no reason we couldn't go on to have more children. *pick my jaw up off the floor*
• Then we met with Dr. Jensen, who had been with another patient when we arrived. She walked through that door with a huge smile on her face, completely excited and happy to met us. She went to Baby Bean first and cooed over her, saying, "You're the magic that brought us all here." I LOVED HER! She went over our story, and said all of the same things her Fellow did.
• She thinks my needing to be hospitalized at 24 is crazy. Her words. She sees no need for it.
• The chances of an embryo implanting in the scar tissue from the surgery is not the 95% our doctor here quoted us, but rather a fraction of a fraction of a percent. As in, highly unlikely. And if it does, the pregnancy will not be a good one and will have to be terminated as early as possible because a baby cannot thrive in scar tissue where there is no blood flow.
• The last bullet point means that Baby Bean did not implant in my septum removal scar tissue. Rather, she implanted next to it and by chance, her placenta grew over the weak area from the septum removal. Which means that the thickness of my uterus was not uniform all of the way across the fundus when I got pregnant, which is not what we had been lead to believe before yesterday.
• There was nothing drawing the placenta to attach where it did. It was just a coincidence. But because the endometrium had been compromised during the septum removal, it made it easy for the placenta to breach the uterine muscle, which then treated the placenta like a cancer and tried to remove it from the uterus by pushing it out into the body where it could be "fought off" by antibodies.
• We had been told that our chances of that happening again are really good... up until yesterday. The doctors at Mayo said once this weak spot is removed, there will be a uniform thickness across the entire top of the fundus, and what happened last time will not happen again.
• The chances of another placenta breaching scar tissue, growing through the fundus, or making it outside of the uterus, not very likely.

Before Dr. Jensen had come in, the Fellow asked how long we were in town and asked if we wanted to meet with a High Risk OB while we were there, because as RE's, they could not answer questions about pregnancy after the surgery. Dr. Jensen agreed. So while we were talking to her and picking our jaws up off the floor, the Fellow had gone to find Dr. Rose. We were gobsmacked once again when he showed up and joined our appointment, and here's were things get even better!

• He told us we can absolutely go on to have another pregnancy! There is no reason we can't. This repair only puts me at about the same risk of a rupture as a woman who has had a Classic C-Section, which is when the incision goes from the top of the uterus to the bottom, rather than side to side. That risk is about 30%. Still a high risk pregnancy, but we already knew that.
• He sees no reason to be hospitalized at 24 weeks. He suggested we find a High Risk OB here and line out a plan of action before we get pregnant. Typically women at an increased risk of rupture are given an amniocentesis at 36 weeks to check the lung maturity of the baby, and then a c-section is scheduled for 37 weeks. Labor is not permissive, and if it happens, the baby will be taken via emergency c-section.
• Our doctor here told me I could rupture and not even know it. Dr. Rose disagreed and told me what warning signs I would need to look for, primarily a sharp pain, bleeding, or amniotic fluid leaking. As such, he told me to make sure we found a hospital here who had an OB and anesthesiologist on staff at all times, to ensure quick delivery should a rupture occur.
• The chances of our baby being born early, a single digit percentage.
• The chances of me dying from a pregnancy under these circumstances, a fraction of a fraction of a percentage (as in .09%).
• The chance of a rupture under these circumstances, a single digit percentage.
• The changes of a hysterectomy if I do rupture, a single digit percentage. Dr. Rose even told me that he has yet to repair a rupture where he was unable to preserve fertility, and where the woman was not able to go on to have more children. Okay, jaw totally on the floor. I had resigned myself to an immediate hysterectomy and only being able to get pregnant once more. He saw no reason we couldn't go on to have many more!
• The chances of a rupture if we got pregnant with twins would only go up a little more.

All three doctors said I could even go on to have another pregnancy without fixing the weak spot, although they recommend I fix it.

Both Dr. Jensen and Dr. Rose gave me their information to keep in touch because they want to keep up on what happens with us as we move forward with the surgery and pregnancy, even if we don't have the surgery done there. Partly because I am one in a zillion (they even agreed with that), and partly because they felt a connection with us. I know I will end up being a case study in this situation (they told me I would be), and I am more than happy to be one, more than happy to pave the way for any other women who might one day find themselves in similar circumstances.

I want to have Dr. Jensen perform my surgery, but we are still trying to determine if the Mayo is in network for our insurance, if not, it would be too costly, although Hubs says he doesn't care. He says it is up to me where I get it done. He honestly would rather not have our doctor here do it because he didn't like the way Dr. D painted such a bleak picture and scared the ever living hell out of us by giving us such overly conservative information, telling us such horrifying things would happen if we got pregnant, and then telling us a pregnancy would be in God's hands (not that they all aren't). But if we do the surgery at Mayo, we'd be looking at a pretty penny. Maybe its worth it though. Once again, he has left the decision completely up to me.

All that matters is I GET TO HAVE MORE CHILDREN!!!!

I asked Hubs on the way home if he wanted to knock me up in a few months. He said, "Sure!"

Thank you friends for all of your support, prayers, and love through all of this. I could never have gotten through the low moments without all of you. I am so excited I finally get to share such wonderful news for a change.

We got stellar news! can't wait to get home and update!!!

GOOD LUCK TODAY TAMMY AND MARK!!!!

Today Tammy and Mark are doing a FET with adopted embies. Please send them some extra prayers and love!

Strong or Stupid?

Since embarking on my latest journey of trying to become pregnant under such scary circumstances, many people have commented on how strong I am. I wonder if they secretly think I am being stupid, but don't want to be cruel. Most of the time I don't necessarily feel strong, and sometimes I wonder if I am being stupid.

One of the things my friends and family always tell me is that they know I cannot just accept the hand that is being dealt me without trying to see if there is a way to change up the cards. I don't know a losing situation when I see it. I always have to do everything in my power to change the outcome to my desired result. I never give up without a fight because I don't want to look back on those situations and wish that I had done anything different. I don't want to look back and say anything other than, "I did everything I possibly could."

Less than a month after my husband and I got married, my 3-year-old border collie got sick. Really sick. For 5 agonizing days, my vet tried to figure out what was wrong with her and why she wasn't recovering. On the 6th day, he called me first thing in the morning to tell me he hadn't slept the night before because he couldn't stop thinking about what he was missing with my dog. (He is a close family friend.) I took my dog in for x-rays that morning, and immediately on seeing his face after viewing them, I knew the prognosis wasn't good.

Long story short, Roo had a congenital defect in the form of a hole in her diaphragm. She had eaten a peach pit that had become lodged in her intestines. As they tried to force the pit through, they found the hole in her diaphragm and began pushing their way into her chest cavity. By the time we figured this out 1/3 of her intestines were dead. My vet was leaving town that morning, and so referred me to another vet for surgery. My dog saw three vets that day because the one he referred me to wanted to put her down, and I wouldn't have it. She was my baby.

The third vet said they would perform surgery, but it might end up costing me around $8k. I didn't have $8k, but this dog meant the world to me, so my husband offered to foot the bill because I told him I couldn't just put her down without saying I had done everything I could to keep her alive. So into surgery she went. We ended up having to put her down, and to this day it still breaks my heart and makes me cry. But you know what? I can live with the fact that I did everything I could to try and save her.

When it comes to getting pregnant again under my current situation, I need to look back and be able to say I did everything I could to get my babies here. I cannot in good conscience call it quits right now. I still have a uterus, and it was meant to do a job. It has brought me nothing but pain and misery, apart for 9 blissful months of pregnancy. I cannot live with this stupid uterus for the rest of my life knowing I gave up. I will loathe this organ and its existence if I don't try one more time.

Seriously, who cares if I lose it? No more AF visits. No more cramps. No more freaky cycles. If I end up with another baby in my arms, then at least I can thank it for helping me out just one more time.

Right now I am operating under faith and a gut instinct to keep moving forward while knowing I cannot give up until I have done everything I can to build my family. This is what God created me for, so I will do my best to fulfill that mission. I will do my best to not regret doing everything I could.

No Change

Today I had my follow-up appointment with my RE to discuss my MRI results. My mother and a couple of my friends felt bad at the news I got, and my response to all of them was, "Why? It is exactly what I expected."

The weak spot is exactly where we knew it was. It is exactly as big as we thought it was. The treatment is exactly what I have already been told it will be. My diagnosis for a high risk pregnancy complete with scary ass complications and risks is still the same. Nothing changed. I knew that going in. Did I have hope that they would find anything different? No, because I know this is exactly what it is.

I have to say, I really love this doctor. He is such an amazing man who very obviously loves his job. He completely understands that my need for a second opinion has nothing to do with my not trusting him, but rather to give me a sense of peace that I am in the best possible hands with him, to confirm everything he has already told me, and that is exactly what I expect from Friday's appointment.

There were a couple of times that I told him even though I seemed excited to move forward with all of this, it didn't mean I hadn't thought everything through or that I was ignorant, but quite the contrary. There were also a couple of times where he told me he was proud of me that I had done my homework on everything, that he was impressed I had actually studied all of my options. He said he didn't mistake my happiness for stupidity.

I simply told him I had already been as low as I could go with all of this, and I had no where to go but up. I have explored all of the possibilities, the ups and downs, the ins and outs, and everything in between. He threw out scenarios he thought I should think about, and he was always surprised when I said I had already thought about that. He asked if I had considered surrogacy. I half laughed and told him I most certainly had, and that I had had two friends offer to surrogate. He was impressed when I told him I had already been on the websites he suggested regarding surrogacy.

I'm telling you folks, I have done my homework, and I have explored every possibility.

I then told him straight up that I wanted to go through with all of this. I have prayed about it, my family and friends have prayed about it, and after this past weekend, church members have prayed about it. I feel like this is the way to go.

I was given a blessing by a church member on Sunday, and he blessed me that my faith with God's healing would help make my body stronger and ready to carry a pregnancy. He told me that MY faith is really what is going to get me through. He told me that the sense of peace I have about the decision tells him this is the right path. In his blessing, he told me any fears I feel are that of the adversary. I have asked God what I should do, and He has told me.

While I think my RE would rather I not go forward with this, he has made it clear he is in my court if I do. He promised to consult with a high risk OB on my behalf and give me a call later. He also asked me to call him as soon as I met with the RE at the May.o Clinic to tell him what I was told there, and then he gave me his personal cell phone number, adding, "It will be a long conversation."

As for the endo the radiologist thought she saw, it was a cyst. And as for the septum she thought she saw, it is the weak spot in my uterus dipping down. So thumbs up there!

I won't lie, up until tonight, I have felt really good about all of this. I feel like it is the way to go. I might lose my uterus in the end, but what good is a uterus if it can't give me children anyway? And a uterus is a small price to pay for building a family. I'll take that trade any day. I may lose my job. While I hope that doesn't happen, and while I pray my employer understands, I can't expect them to hold my position if I end up in the hospital starting at 24 weeks pregnant.

So tonight, when I feel that little niggling doubt, that tiny sense of fear, I will allow it in. I will let it do its job, which is to direct me one way or the other, and I will thank it for being here for me. It is only trying to protect me, after all.

There is a lot on the line, but the bottom line is this is what I feel I was meant to do. I will have to accept the consequences of what happens. I will just pray that God holds this pregnancy in His hands and blesses it and carries it safely. I know I am in good hands with my doctors, my husband, and my friends.

What does Hubs have to say about all of this, you ask? He says he will take things as they come. He feels no fear nor excitement either way. He will play that hand that God deals us because that is all any of us can do. He sees no point in worrying about things that are out of his control. He supports me no matter what I decide. It is a great thing, but it is also a tough thing for me because it makes the decision mine alone.

There are so many unknowns at this point. Anything could change at any moment. But for now, the plan is to go forward.

Guess Who?

Now, every week when I go to the hospital installation I think about how I need to get some pictures for all of my bloggy friends to see. Am I bragging? Perhaps a bit. But honestly, the fact that I get to be hands on with this equipment and installing it is just plain awesome to me. But do you know what was even better? Opening a box of kits to find three of the manuals I created. They were beautiful works of art!

Now, can you all guess who this sexy woman in a hard hat is?
Oh yeah baby! That's moi! I love going on these installations and being "one of the guys" for a day. I love seeing what I do for a living going into place to be used to save people's lives. Its an amazing feeling.

And guess who this little minx on top of a ladder is?
Ding! Ding! Ding! ME!

Who has one of the coolest jobs ever? ME!

I can't wait to see the completed installation and do a tour of the hospital just before it opens. Exciting times!