Ribs, chicken, and a side of Kim Jong-Il

Ladies and gentlemen, DotW readers, meet Bobby Egan of Hackensack, New Jersey. Bobby is the owner of Cubby's Barbecue Restaurant, and besides his penchant for mouth watering baby back ribs, Bobby also has another passion - a passion for North Korea. So how did a man who makes a living slinging ribs take a shine to Kim Jong-Il's kingdom?

Bobby Egan's career in what can only be described as amateur diplomacy began over 20 years ago, when he contacted the Vietnamese mission to the United Nations and offered his services on repairing relations with Washington. Why the Hanoi government thought a guy who runs a rib shack could help thaw relations with the United States remains a mystery, but the Vietnamese, eager for a thaw, heeded Egan's advice about "coming clean" about the fate of US soldiers missing in action in Vietnam. Before it was all over, Egan was making trips to Hanoi (one of very few Americans to do so in the 1980s) and testifying before congress on the POW/MIA issue. None of Egan's leads ever panned out, but the rib man made his mark.

It wasn't long before the North Korean government picked up on Egan's volunteer work on behalf of Vietnam, and contacted them on how to improve their image with Washington. Egan's solution? Luring North Korea's infamously reclusive UN staff out to New Jersey for ribs, and tickets to see the New York Giants. After the death of Kim Il-Sung, Egan ingratiated himself with the new heads of the North Korean UN mission in New York, serving (by his own accounts) in roles from everything as a doorman to chauffeur. Somewhere along the way, the North Koreans began to use Egan as their point man for backroom negotiations with the US State Department, who were less than pleased with Egan's role with the North Korean government.

In 1996, a North Korean spy submarine became stranded in South Korean waters, letting loose a pack of 26 heavily armed North Korean commandos in South Korean territory. By the time it was all over, the commandos had killed 13 South Koreans, while 24 of the North Koreans had been killed, one captured, and one escaped. South Korea and the United States demanded an apology from Pyongyang, so the North Korean government threw Egan into the fray. Egan attempted to convince a gaggle of incredulous State Department officials to drop the demand of the apology in exchange for the release of five American prisoners of war rumored to still be held in North Korea. US President Bill Clinton's Asian affairs specialist, Colonel Charles "Jack" Pritchard, went to Cubby's in Hackensack to personally tell Egan to butt the hell out. Unfortunately for Egan, the United States got their apology from North Korea.

Pritchard's suggestion that Egan should stick to ribs has, apparently, fallen on deaf ears. Egan has resumed offering his advice to the North Koreans, even telling them that they should go ahead and conduct nuclear weapons testing in order to knock "Bush off his chair". The North Koreans went ahead and did just this, although the results haven't exactly thawed out relations with the United States as intended. The North Koreans, however, have rewarded Egan by making him the head of the United States of America-Democratic Republic of North Korea Trade Council, an organization that basically consists of Bobby Egan, because of the complete lack of trade ties between the US and North Korea. His bizarre dedication to helping the regime has also had another reward - a snazzy lapel pin bearing the image of the Dear Leader himself, Kim Jong-Il.

Quoth Egan, "I'm one of only two westerners to get this, me and some guy from Romania, I was told."

It makes me wonder just what that Romanian guy had to do to get his.

Kim Jong-Il: Internet Expert

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il raised eyebrows around the world recently when he proclaimed himself to be an "expert" on the internet. Kim's comments came during a summit meeting with arch-enemies South Korea, who proposed the creation of an industrial park with a shared internet link between the two countries.

"I am an Internet expert" said Kim, "many problems would arise if the Internet is connected to other parts of the North."

So ... does this mean that Li'l Kim is totally l33t? Is he playing World of Warcraft, or using Bittorrent, or editing articles on BGP on Wikipedia?

Let's just say it's doubtful.

One of the perks of ruling a country whose state ideology worships you as a living demigod is having internet privileges. One of the downsides of living in a country whose ruler you are forced to worship as a living demigod is not having internet privileges. Kim Jong-Il certainly sees no need to let his captive population communicate in the outside world. Hence his comment that "problems would arise" if North Korea had internet access is true in the sense that North Koreans would have a chance to learn that their country is not the richest in the world, and that their dead Great Leader is not actually revered around the world as a divine supergenius. North Korea's freedom of the press is, officially, the worst in the world. There is literally no aspect of mass communication that is not controlled by the state. In a country where televisions and radios are locked in to one station and channel, the odds that the government would allow access to any outside source of information are around zero.

Still, if you happen to see someone in a chatroom with the handle "Pulgasari" bragging about his internet expertise, try to humor him. He doesn't really get out much.

Portrait of the dictator as cinephile

It should come as no surprise that even dictators have hobbies, so it should come as no surprise that being a dictator allows one to pursue a hobby to extraordinary lengths. North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il is reportedly one of the biggest movie buffs on the planet, with a collection of over 20,000 foreign films in his library. Of course, like any true dictator, Lil' Kim is not content to merely watch movies when he could try his hand at making them.

In 1978 during his father's reign, Kim Jong-Il arranged for the kidnapping of an extremely famous and well respected South Korean director, Shin Sang-Ok, during a business trip Hong Kong. When Shin's ex-wife went to Hong Kong to investigate his disappearance, she too was kidnapped by North Korean secret police and spirited off to Pyongyang. To Shin's horror, the junior Kim turned out to be a fan, and naturally, put Shin to work on his pet projects.

It seems that Kim had been disappointed with North Korea's staid and boring propaganda films bureau, and sought to bring his tastes as a movie buff into promoting North Korean Normally, the phrase "socialist cinema" conjures images of movies about nickel smelting and tractors, so you can imagine the horror the "Orson Welles of South Korea" must have felt when Kim Jong-Il announced that his new captive would be directing North Korea's most ambitious project to date: a Communist reworking of the Japanese monster movie Godzilla. Shin gamely went ahead and produced Kim's monster movie, but was thrown into a North Korean prison camp for trying to escape. Shin and his ex-wife finally managed to escape in a daring flight from their North Korean guards during a business trip to Vienna, after which, the director was finally free to talk about their ordeal, both physical and artistic, under Kim Il-Sung.

Kim Jong-Il has remained committed to the arts, however, and is reported to shunt aside lesser concerns like famines, floods, and nuclear proliferation talks aside for his real passion: film. He hasn't apparently kidnapped any other famous directors, but now one of South Korea's hottest directors is offering to bring his hit movie to North Korea on the condition that Kim shares his creation with the people of North Korea.

The offer may be tempting, but I'd be willing to bet that Kim will take a pass on this offer. After all, he can always wait until it comes out on DVD, right?

Kim's eldest son "back in favor"

The eldest son of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, Kim Jong-nam, is rumored to have returned to North Korea from exile in China - a sign that the scion of the Kim dynasty has officially returned to favor. Details are sketchy, but it seems that the elder Kim has put his newly returned son to work in a "high position" in the ruling North Korean Workers' Party. The return of Kim Jong-nam, if official, might just settle North Korea's thorny succession question in the world's only communist monarchy, which has become much more important after Kim Jong-Il's recent brush with death.

Don't call it a comeback: Lil' Kim is out and about

He's back! North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il has made five, count them, five, consecutive public appearances for the first time since he reportedly underwent emergency heart bypass surgery in June.

The post-operative, mangier looking Kim had made a select number of private appearances since the alleged operation, but none in public. Lil' Kim's most recent appearance was a machinery parts factory in North Korea, where he took time to praise the Marxist struggle of the factory's "heroic labor class" against ... well, that's where it gets tricky. The only class there is left to struggle against in North Korea is Kim Jong-Il's ruling Stalinist plutocrats, and God knows, he can't very well have that, now can he?

Political contradictions aside, global political analysts are scrambling to grasp what the "true meaning" of Kim's sudden outburst of public appearances may mean. Does this mean Kim is attempting to renegotiate with the west on his atomic weapons program? Is this the precursor to political liberalization? A round of purges? Or he is just on the prowl for some more hot young girls to kidnap as sex slaves?

The incredible shrinking Kim Jong-Il

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il is looking, well, decidedly mortal these days. After reportedly undergoing heart bypass surgery in May, Kim has finally reappeared in public for a meeting with China's foreign minister during a celebration of the North Korean army's 75th anniversary.

The once rotund "Dear Leader" appeared much thinner than usual, and his once resplendent pompadour has given way to a terrifyingly sparse and patchy scalp full of bald spots and odd bursts of wiry hair. Never before has such a powerful dictator looked so ... mangy. Of course, Kim's health is a strictly kept state secret, so how did the illustrious Stalinist monarch explain his recent frail appearance? By claiming he's been spending long nights in the office. Obviously, Kim can hardly afford to do something as bourgeois as dropping dead before he settles the question of which of his sons will succeed him when he dies.

Kim's oldest son, Kim Jong-nam, is nearly 36, and apparently, had devoted himself mostly to living a life of leisure. By contrast, Kim Jong-Il had already joined the North Korean politburo by the age of 32. While Korean tradition obviously favors primogeniture, the porcine heir apparent is reportedly in disgrace with his father. After Kim Jong-nap was arrested in Japan for trying to enter the country with a fake Dominican passport, Kim Jong-Il apparently began grooming his second oldest son, 25 year old Kim Jong-chul. Rumors abound, however, that Kim Jong-chul is a homosexual, and is considered "too effeminate" to rule North Korea. That leaves 22 year old Kim Jong-woong as the last choice, but he's considered far too young to enter the cutthroat world of North Korean politics.

Ladies man Kim Jong-nam

What dictator watchers really want to know is: just what kind of "leader" will take over when Kim Jong-Il dies? Papa Kim Il-Sung was the "Great Leader", while his son Kim Jong-Il is the "Dear Leader". Following the downward trend of adulatory adjectives, can we expect an "Alright Leader" or even a "Just Okay Leader"? Would anyone like to propose a new adjective for North Korea's next Stalinist despot?

Is Kim Jong-Il a goner?

North Korean "Dear Leader" Kim Jong-Il is rumored to be nearly incapacitated with a heart ailment (as reported earlier here on Dictators of the World) related to type II diabetes. Kim's condition is so bad, that reports leaked from Pyongyang say he cannot walk more than 30 yards without stopping to rest. A team of cardiac specialists from Germany reportedly traveled to North Korea last month to treat Kim, but the doctors themselves denied treating Kim, and as usual, the North Korean government issued flat denials regarding why they were actually there.

Japan's Shukan Gendai, however, reports that Kim has already undergone emergency heart bypass surgery, and remains in serious condition in Pyongyang. Kim's condition will likely remain shrouded in secrecy for a number of reasons, not least of which is Kim's status as a demigod in North Korea's official juche state philosophy/religion. What's more, it appears that the Kim dynasty has not yet ironed out the question of succession to the Dear Leader, and any power vacuum opens up the possibility of a military coup d'etat. This is no small concern, because if there's only one thing North Korea isn't have shortages of, it's military officers.

Would North Korea change if Kim kicked the bucket? Would Kim Il-Sung's grandsons see the writing on the wall and move to unify Korea on the South's terms? Would a clique of hardliners take over in a coup? It's all way too early to tell, but if Kim dies, we may be looking at the final days of the world's most repressive dictatorship.

Lil' Kim update!

Dictators of the World reader Michael left a comment asking for more about North Korean dictator, the Dear Leader himself, Kim Jong-Il. As ever, Michael, I'm eager to oblige my loyal readers, and remind them that I do indeed take requests.

Kim certainly appeared to have the world by the short and curlies when he detonated North Korea's first nuclear bomb last October. News about the Dear Leader himself, however, is very hard to obtain thanks to North Korea's worst-on-earth press freedoms and highly secretive military style governance. What little the west does hear comes largely from rumors, and from the occasional high level defectors who manage to sneak across the Chinese border on their way to eventual relocation in South Korea. So what's the latest scoop on Lil' Kim?

Apparently, things aren't looking so rosy for the reigning demigod of juche thought. There are reports that the 66 year old portly scion of the Kim dynasty is suffering from heart disease exacerbated by "advanced" diabetes. That Kim is suffering from diseases of affluence in a country that is, once again, wracked by hunger and malnutrition and reliant on foreign charity to feed itself, sums up the reign of the Kim dynasty almost perfectly. As any monarch in poor health is wont to do, Kim Jong-Il is reputedly weighing his options regarding secession to the throne.

Rumors abound of a nascent power struggle emerging from Kim's three eldest sons, and Kim allegedly fears incapacitation by poor health would lead to a power struggle, not just among his sons, but also among North Korea's ridiculously bloated military high command. Would the generals knock off the pretenders to the throne if Kim were laid low by a stroke? Would one of his sons kill his brothers to eliminate his potential rivals? Will the Chinese finally lose patience and put a long overdue end to the entire charade of the North Korea's existence once and for all by leaning on their client state to unify with South Korea?

If any of these rumors are true, we could be looking at the last gasps of the world's most repressive country. But even if Kim is on the way out of the picture, he has one thing he can still take comfort in - apparently, he's become an ironic icon for Japanese hipsters.

I'm still trying to figure that out, too.

Lifestyles of the rich and ruthless

Ok, so it actually is customary for visiting heads of state to exchange gifts. But what do you give the megalomaniac dictator who has been raised from birth to believe he's a demigod? If you've ever wondered if the dictator business is lucrative enough for your tastes, take a gander at this article detailing some of the swag given by foreign dignitaries to North Korean despot Kim Jong-Il. Despite North Korea's image as international pariah, the gifts keep coming in for Kim Jong-Il, and even more remarkably, for his late father Kim Il-Sung who, although quite dead, is still (legally, anyway) North Korea's head of state.

Gifts to "living Kim" and "dead as a doornail Kim" are all housed in the 215,278 square foot, 200 room International Friendship Exhibition, which serves both as a museum and warehouse of all the expensive knicknacks and other gaudy luxury items given as gifts to two of the world's most repressive leaders. For a final laugh, go ahead and compare and contrast the gold plated ashtrays, ivory furniture and blinged out cars given to the Kim dynasty to the average North Korean citizen, who is now making do on fewer calories and less heating fuel than almost anyone else on earth.

North Korea faces famine - again

Things just aren't getting any easier for the Dear Leader, are they?

North Korea, who's official ideology (and religion) is juche, or self-reliance, will apparently be relying on the charity of western donors to stave off a massive famine after coming up a million tons of rice short on their annual harvest. That one million tons represents a fifth of North Korea's annual requirements for being self-sufficient in rice. I was not surprised to learn that the giant rabbit scheme that North Korea "planned" to solve their food problems won't be happening after all.

Once upon a time, Kim's father declared that North Korea was the richest country on earth, many North Koreans have grown up believing that however little they may have to eat, wear, or heat their homes with, people in South Korea, Japan and the United States were the poorest people on earth. It goes without saying that Kim's people will have no idea that their Dear Leader has stuck his hand out again to beg from his mortal enemies in the west, nor will they likely ever find out.

Forget about linking food aid to nuclear disarmament, however, as Kim would rather see a couple of million of his countrymen starve rather than hand over his job security ticket. As long as he has enough to feed his army, Kim would be content to stay put. Which brings us to the question:

Is anyone interested in setting up a PayPal button to help North Korea? I'm sure Kim would agree not to, y'know, spend the money on hookers and blow if you asked him nicely.

"Dear Leader" smashes imperialist rice rockets

In between subjecting the world to nuclear blackmail and celebrating his sixty fifth birthday, the Dear Leader of North Korea finally found some time to address his one of nation's most serious domestic problems: Japanese cars.

Ok, so it's not really a problem, especially in a country where well over 90% of the populace scarcely has enough to buy walking shoes, let alone cars. But Kim no longer likes Japanese cars, and when you're a dictator posing as a demigod, your whim becomes law. The rumor has it that Lil' Kim was enraged after a broken down Japanese car (of unspecified make) was blocking the road on his trip back from his odious father's mausoleum. In a fit of pique, Kim ordered the state's formidable security services to confiscate all Japanese cars in North Korea "except those given as gifts" by Kim himself.

Apparently, Kim's revenge on rice rockets will mostly affect mid-level North Korean bureaucrats, as most upper level bureaucrats (that is, those in Kim's inner circle) drive Mercedes-Benzes. What's more, for the time being, those pesky sanctions have led to crippling gasoline shortages so severe that only those with high level political connections can get enough for normal usage.

The amazing speed with which his order was carried out leads ordinary people outside North Korea to sit in awe of Kim's amazing political powers, and fantasize about what the world would be like if he used them to, say, fix his wrecked economy, dismantle the police state, or coexist peacefully with his neighbors.

Nah.

North Korean coup rumors denied

South Korean intelligence sources have joined Japanese and Chinese diplomats to deny rumors printed by a Japanese press agency claiming that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il is under house arrest while a a military coup is underway in Pyongyang. Citing a South Korean source, Japan's Jiji Press published rumors that the North Korean army has placed the "Dear Leader" under house arrest in one of his many coastal villas while a power struggle rages in the capital.

Rumors of Kim's ouster have surfaced before. In 2004, public manifestations of Kim's previously all invasive personality cult started to disappear without explanation. Yet recently, deification of Kim resumed stronger than ever, again without explanation.

Following North Korea's diplomatically disastrous nuclear tests, Kim finds himself increasingly isolated politically. North Korea's relations with China, formerly a steadfast ally of North Korea, have been seriously strained by Kim's bizarre belligerence towards the west. In addition to crippling United Nations sanctions that have brought the flow of goods over the Chinese border to a near halt, Kim is increasingly turning to bizarre schemes to ward off famine in the countryside while somehow managing to continue paying and arming his soldiers.

Kim is doubtlessly aware that if military leaders lose confidence in his ability to lead, pay and supply North Korea's ludicrously enormous military, he increases the risk of being overthrown in a military coup d'etat. While Chinese power brokers Beijing publicly worry about "instability" in North Korea, there are increasing signs that they are reaching the end of their patience with Kim. The Chinese have made it clear that they are seeking to halt any potential flow of refugees, a de-escalation of tension with the United States and China's major East Asian trading partners, and even re-uniting Korea under South Korean terms.

While the rumors of Kim's ouster do not appear to be accurate this time, it seems that it's only a matter of time before his power is challenged in earnest domestically. State sponsored smuggling and drug trafficking alone will not provide enough hard currency to keep the army from getting restless, meaning that every day that passes without serious purges at the top increases Kim's chance of proving today's baseless rumors to be true tomorrow.

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