Accidentally

That thing has happened again, where I accidentally get all caught up with the stuff of life (more on that later!)  and neglect my blogging space... which is a bit of a shame because, it shows (rather publicly) that  I have a bit of an 'all or nothing tendency  and, possibly get distracted easily. By the way, the accidentally link was just a special treat for those of you who like to follow links...oh, okay, here's another one).

Having said that, about exposing myself, my inconsistencies...well, it's okay, I'm okay with that, because I have had a 'significant' birthday, and whilst I didn't wake up wise, mature and content (that was abit disappointing!)- I do believe I am 'growing into myself'. I feel like I have been getting better at embracing- liking even, who I am, and also that I am better at some things that others-and (to my shock)- that's okay. I did feel a bit disappointed when I realised that tidiness, quick thinking and decisiveness (among other things) might always be things I don't 'master', but with that knowledge in hand I can go a bit easier on myself and try and develop some strategies to assist me in those areas. At the same time, I also realised I might find some things easier than others. I'm not sure if I should be embarrassed writing that- is that stuff common knowledge? Not everyone is good at everything and that's okay- it was a revelation to me! My sister in law said 'Happy 40th birthday- welcome to your best decade yet'. She said it's been her best decade yet because she is more comfortable in her own skin, and I hope to continue to head to that place.

Oops, wrong picture. This was my 5th birthday...post hair cut- obviously during the game of 'hairdressers' with my brother, I was the 'customer'. There was no rock chick or bogan option for me, I think I just looked like a boy...not helped by the orange plaid 'slacks' which look like they were made out of a blanket or the neck strangling skivvy...although I am sure the crocheted vest would have been rather 'on trend'. 

Thanks Mum, wonder why my smile isn't wider...maybe I hated that girly pink cake...I love it now though. I really wanted my girl to chose a 'dolly varden' cake one year, but I think,sadly, I have missed my opportunity. This year she was pretty happy with this cake...I was too actually, it was fun to make and not too tricky, although I did try to make 'meringue butter cream icing' and totally stuffed that up- I googled a recipe and in retrospect, think it had way to much butter in it because it  ended up very yellow and buttery and I ditched it and reverted to my standard buttercream icing.

My lovely neighbour and friend Corina knew I was a bit keen on the Dolly Varden, and she turned up on my doorstep in time for birthday morning tea with this:

My other neighbour and friend Annie, turned up with a chocolate and orange cake (one of my fave flavour combinations) so I felt pretty spoilt. 

I wanted to acknowledge this 'milestone by embracing the people I love and who love me. In a world that seems so busy- particularly at this time of the year  (fruit tree season) my 'people' are what are most important to me and I want to have time for them. What has ended up happening, which has been pretty lovely is that I am catching up with small groups of friends here and there over 'birthday month'- that suits me better because it means I am not overwhelmed and get to enjoy good conversations in a less intense setting than a party. 

The whole thing- turing 40, thinking about, and hanging out with 'my people' - has made me feel extremely thankful for the beautiful, kind, fun, generous, thoughtful friends and  family I have in my life- and creative of course, just look at that cake- and this.

Funnily enough I don't think I got any 'birthday photos' of me- until I hung out with a few of my 'bloggy friends' last week- a camera was produced over dinner- any bloggers surprised? More about that, and some other thoughtfulness, later- and now that I remember how much I enjoy hanging out here at Apple and Tangerine, I suspect it won't be too much later!

List review

In 2011, for the first time, I wrote a list. A list of things I would aspire to do/ be during the year. I really liked my list. I didn't print it out. I should have- it would have made it more of a 'working/ inspiring document' that it was- having said that- it was interesting to re read and see just how many of these I got done, and/ or still aspire to. I am going to right another list for 2012. Until then, let me 'check off' this one...

1. look into peoples eyes when I am talking to them- not in a creepy way, just give my attention -generally, I think, yes I did/ do this and want to continue
2. go outside more often - this one I needed written on my wall! I did go outside more, mostly for walks, I would like be go outside just to hang and out 'be'...
3. put things back where they belong after I have finished with them (hmm, be tidier)- hmm, depends who you ask I think. I actually tried to get rid of stuff so I had less to actually put away! Overall, I still aspire to this, and (sigh), it's a work in progress... 
4. finish my sentences (I tend to drift off, forgetting that there is a listener involved who can't necessarily read my thoughts) I think I am getting heaps better at this- slowing the thoughts down, and not assuming prior knowledge to the goings on in my head. But if I ever don't finish a sentence on you- please prompt me!
5. swim in the ocean. Swim anywhere, actually, but the ocean is always great. yep, I still love this- I swam in the ocean today actually. Brilliant.
6. walk 10km all in one go   gee, I forgot I wrote that- what was I thinking? Funny thing is, I did do this. My friend Cheryl and I participated in the Tat200 10km walk event. It was really fun., Cheryl made sure we kept the pace up! Aside from that, I also did two other walking 'events' with Karen. When I say 'with' what I mean is she was doing the 8km running events and because she's lovely, she hung around and waited for me and cheered me in as I did the 8km walking events (this time last year I don't think I even knew these events existed!). I am going to more of these kinds of things this year.
7. ride the Beechworth- Bright rail trail with our friends. tick. And it was fantastic and I would do it all over again, and hope we do
8. read a book every month (at least), and stretch myself in my choices of book -nah, I didn't do much reading last year. I still like reading and will aim for a book a month again!
9. make an effort to spend time with my friends - I don't think I spent enough time with friends this year. I was surprised when my crafty friend Carolyn said the other day that the reason we don't do more craft together is because I am the one who is always busy. She was surprised that I was surprised! I did get a weekend away with friends at Sewjourn which was pretty lovely. We didn't see as much of our family friends as we have in other years- but really, June- September were a bit of a write-off because the fruit trees were nuts this year! I have to work out balance here...
10. practice being in the present- be mindful- no need to drift off work in progress- next step- multi task less and have less tabs open on my computer screen at once
11. do something creative everyday fail. and when I am creative, I remember how much it grounds me and I need it. Still on the list!
12. make yoghurt instead of buying it nope, forgot it was on the list. Don't think I eat as much yoghurt as I used to!
13. write (and don't forget to post) letters regularly yes- although there was still a decent amount that didn't get posted.
14. have more hand made Christmas decorations than store bought forgot it was on the list, although, we probably did, it was thanks to the school age children, not their mother!
15. play with my children yep, but I am much better at this in the holidays. I didn't know I could be such a 'control freak' and need to have 'everything' sorted out before I could just stop and play. Carcassonne is a bit of a favourite. I definitely want to play more.
16. cook with my children ...about that 'control freak' thing. I did abit of cooking with the children, but not anything really to note.
17. listen to music- always enjoy it when I do, just forget to put it on yes, I bought myself a little ipod nano in July- Happy Birthday me- so I listen on that, mostly.
18. smile and laugh- a lot probably not as much as I would have liked, I had some fun and happy times but overall 2011 was a hard one that I was happy to see the back off.
19. take more photos (see number 3. give the camera a home so I can always find it!) yes, well, ahem, the camera hasn't even come on holidays with us this time (is this where I admit that I couldn't find it as we were packing!) My phone has a camera on it, though, so I do have some holiday photos
20. write a tutorial for my blog gee, I wonder what I thought I was going to write a tutorial about. I am open to suggestions!
21. make some collages one, the 9 year old and I each did one during a crafty session one day
22. make mosaic steps for my garden yes, thanks for reminding me, list, they actually haven't been properly placed yet
23. start a hexagon quilt I started and finished a hexagon quilt- but that wasn't what I was referring too. I have started a hand pieced hexagon quilt, and I worked on it tonight actually. On my mums spare bed, she has two quilts- a hexagon one she did and a hexagon quilt my grandma made, I must take a photo to show you. I want to add my hexagon quilt to that pile!
24. finish a rag rug the rag rug is still in the unfinished projects pile, I still like it, but haven't worked on it for a while
25. exercise at least three times a week probably, overall I have. One of the 'most admirable' (!) exercise things I did (in my opinion) was do pilates once a week for the second half of the year- that's a big commitment for me!
26. go to bed earlier and get up earlier I need this one printed somewhere I will see it- it's 11.41pm as I type and the young boy will, no doubt wake up just after 6am and I will here him getting his breakfast and be annoyed a) that I am a light sleeper and b) that I went to bed so late.
27. own less books at the end of the year than at the start of the year yep. I my love affair with my library was reignited, when I realised I could basically order any book in from almost any library in Victoria and have it sent to my local- all over the internet with no fee attached. I have some recent Burda magazines to pick up when I get home, actually, yey! I have hardly bought any books, and I have dispatched quite a few, with more to go
28. use fresh herbs in my cooking I think I did do this more- but generally with the trusty hardy perenials like sage, thyme, rosemary, chives and less coriander and basil (because I was crap at watering them)
29. eat seasonally from the garden and don't whinge about having a hankering for broccoli or asparagus when it's not time! sort of, we've had some amazing fruit, as well as great garlic, spuds, asparagus and a few other things, but I think our garden was abit less abundant this year. The garderner may dispute this!
30. grow tulips great idea. Forgot it was on the list, I want to grow tuips this year!
31. sew some clothing for me gee, really- I was thinking this last January? I have progressed to patterns and fabric stage (wrap dress) and made some basic trackies for me
32. keep a 'thoughts to get back to' note book. And get back to them. HA- as if! That would get very full very quickly- surely the good ideas won't need to be written down 'to get back to'(?)
33. spend less time on the computer... yes, (this may be disputed)- but not by choice- we had dodgy probs with Telstra for several months interupting my computer usage. What I really need is 'wiser' use of my computer time.
34. attend the newly initiated 'first Sunday book club' with Mr. Apple (it's only us two!) fizzled- we got through one book, I think it just didn't become a habit- still aspired to though
35. Generally make time for, prioritise and nurture my close relationships I'd still like to do much better at this
36. drink more water I'd still like to do much better at this too!
37. do regular stretching or yoga Abovementioned pilates counts.
38. chuck stuff that I do not love or use out yes, and there's more to be chucked
39. keep a journal spasmodically successful
40. take the children to the snow bummer- forgot about this- surely in 2012 we can make it to the snow
41. go camping yes- for a couple of days post rail trail bike ride. And we have even been talking 'tent purchase' as a Christmas present (late, I realise that)
42. spend some time in silence each day no, but again, I think I need to, to collect myself each day.
43. eat when I am hungry, stop when I am full not always, but more frequently. Overall I would say that my 'eating behaviour' is alot better that it has been, I am eating breakfast most days (that's new for me), probably eating smaller portions and less food overall, without being 'obsessive'. I have lost a decent amount of weight in 2011...and still have a decent amount of weight to lose!
44. be generous that's a funny one to comment on myself- I am sure I can always be more generous
45. contribute to my community I could do more. I did my forth year on our School council and second year as President, which I will be very happily handing over in March!
46. be brave work in progress, that bravery thing, but I think I have been pretty damn brave at times this year

Well, what a lot of words, and no photos!

I think it was worthwhile doing a list, despite lack of ongoing reference to it! It's interesting to reread (I wonder why making yoghurt got in my 'top 46'!)...I will ponder this years list and get something down- otherwise, before I know it, it will be December.

the joy and the struggle

Hmmm, the Christmas season. 
I love the preparation for Christmas. I (generally) love baking, making and thinking of people I love as I think of gifts for them. 
I don't love trying to think of presents when I am uninspired... the "I'm only getting you this because I am expected to get you a present" present. I don't love creating handmade things and gifting them to unappreciative people who think I have taken the 'cheap' option by 'doing the homemade thing'. 


For anyone who doesn't know- many crafters don't necessarily craft for thrift now- my mum always made our clothes because it was cheaper (and I assume, for personal satisfaction!)- that isn't true these days. If I make myself a shirt, say, it will cost more that I could pick one up at a chainstore or op shop for, for sure. The pattern, the fabric, the time, the energy...it's not about thrift (it can be and that's pretty fun too)- it's about creativity and my spirit, as I have said here before.


I digress. What I don't love, is when gift has turned to expectation. Joy and celebration turns to stress and busy-ness. Thoughtfulness has turned to obligation. 
We don't get junk mail but I do see the piles that arrive at my work at this time of year- it's nuts. Really. And when did gifts for children get so massively out of proportion? In my opinion. I don't intend to judge other peoples practice, just expose the tension in my mind.
I could go on, this churns me up abit, but I wont.


I don't love so many people encouraging consumerism in my children- I don't like 'what do you want for Christmas?' but I dislike 'what are you getting for Christmas' even more. I have an 11 year old son and a 9 year old daughter. If you have hung around here abit you may realise we live relatively simply. 


I don't want to drown my children in stuff (there bedrooms get messy enough as it is!). But I also don't want them to feel like they are (and we are) total freaks because they haven't got their own laptop, iphone, ipod touch, playstation, tv in their room... whatever. There's plenty of time for those things, isn't there? 


Sigh, I really struggle with this. I read an article about a bloke who is a professional 'declutterer'- or something like that- he said children's rooms are interesting, it's often the parents who want to hang on to the toys but as he encouraged them to get rid of some of the stuff in the kids bedrooms every single time he would witness a child come in to their clearer room and dance!


I don't really want to teach my children to value their possessions above their relationships, but I have never heard some random stranger ask 'who are you going to spend time with this Christmas'.  I also want to demonstrate generosity and thoughtfulness to my children; my discomfort with all the 'stuff' isn't just about the huge drain on financial resources (although- I don't think there's any need to go into further debt over your kids Christmas presents, just quietly!) I hope they see and value the time I spend making jam and understand that that is part of the gift.


At 9 and 11 I reckon my children are now at a more 'peer influenced' age, so how do we parent so they are not excluded from there peers whilst upholding our values and what we think is important. I don't know what gifts our children will be getting from us for Christmas. Our family present from the 'in law' side of the family is a family ticket to Puffing Billy. Great present, we are going to have our 'big day out' in January probably.


I find the comparisons hard too. What are your kids getting? What did you get? My kids get home grown fruit and vegies, parents who hang out with them a decent amount, meals around the table, family games...I can't wrap any of that and put it under a tree but they are some of the things we have decided are important. 


Another article I read recently was by a Palliative Care nurse who said that many peoples dying 'regrets' are remarkably similar- they wish they had spend time with their friends more, maintained a bit of silliness (!), gone  abit slower... and the one that challenges me- had the courage to live according to their convictions- be who they are- rather than live according to how they thought other people expected them to live.


What a big rant, I didn't intend to rave on, there's alot banging around up in my head today and no other adults around- so I chose to 'chat' to you!


I'd be really happy to have a conversation about this stuff- does anyone else on the planet find the excess difficult? Wonder how to 'do' balance? Or do you all love the Christmas spend up? Am I just over thinking it all?