Crazy kids

This afternoon Brigs bit Koen. Koen was extra mad about this. He delivered this note to his brother.

(I dot (do not) like you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(34 times)

The best part is that when he gave it to Brigs he replied with "oh, thank you Koen" haha

These kids kill me. They are literally at each other throats like 90% of the day. Every time people talk about "not being able to wait till there baby gets big to play" trust me, you can wait. ;)

Memorial weekend

Friday night after our birthday festivities I left out of town with my mother and sister in law's. I had debated a long time about whether I would actually go for the girls weekend with it being P's birthday. I am SO glad I decided to. I think it was the best thing I could do for me. I had a hard week. It ended as soon as we pulled into St George. I had a great weekend.

We had fun staying up late talking and playing games, saw a movie, ran, went for a walk, ate yummy food, laid by the pool went to church with no kids. Really it was great. I laughed so hard. My whole stomach is sore in places that have never been sore before including my love handles. That is serious laughing. :) I am so glad I love my inlaws. I mean it would be hard not to considering my best friend and I married our other best friend's brothers. ;) And the fact that our whole little (not so much, 7 kids 5 spouses) went to the same high school and are all within 7 years of each other. Love it! We really just had so much fun. It was just what I needed. Thank you girls, thank you Phil and thank you Nana for letting us stay at your house.

When I came home Phil was up at my parents cabin. So I ran to get a couple b-day presents for Ko. Have I mentioned we have 3 birthdays in 3 weeks? We love June! (P was actually due on Koen's birthday) When Phil got home I told him I was going to go over to the cemetery. It was so nice to go over by myself. I rarely get to do that. I just wore my sunglasses and cried. I cleaned up all his birthday stuff. Put some flowers out. Laid on the grass and just thought about him. Remembered him.

 When I got back I was checking out my flowers and realized in those few short days I was gone his rose bush turned into a blooming fool. I love it so much. It really just makes me happy to look at it. See it growing like my baby would be.

Everyday since his birthday at some point Phil and I think "what happened this day?" Last night laying in bed Phil said "was this the night they called us at 5 AM and told us he was not doing good?" We talked about how hard and crazy that time was. How much we miss him. How scared we are to think about doing it again. This will be an interesting 7 weeks remembering the time we had with our little man.

P's 1st birthday

We decided for Pierce's birthday we wanted to spend the whole day as a family. Having fun together and thinking about Pierce. We got up and went to breakfast at Kneaders. Koen loved their french toast and said it was "worth the wait." We didn't eat till almost 10 AM. Before we left I had to take a shot of Pierce's rose bush. I thought it was special because it only really had one big bloom and the others were still buds. 1 bloom for his 1 year birthday.

After breakfast we headed up to the canyon for some hiking. The boys wanted to collect some rocks and brought a balloon to send to Pierce. The weather was great. It had just rained so it smelled so fresh but wasn't too muddy. We were comfortable in a light jacket.

 (I brought P with us. ;) and I have stopped trying to get good pictures of B, this is him)

The whole time walking we kept saying things like "This is when Pierce's heart rate was high and we said "he doesn't want to be evicted." or "Now I was getting my spinal." etc etc. It is so weird to think about it all because in ways it feels like another life.

When we got to Doughnut Falls we let the balloon go. It got a little stuck in a tree and Phil told the kids maybe Pierce was sitting in that tree and caught it. ;)

On our way home we stopped by the cemetery so Ko and I could put out his "Happy Birthday" sign and banner in his tree. Then we went home and got a quick lunch and blew up the balloons before heading back to the cemetery for his birthday celebration.

Ko and I had fun taking pics with the balloons!

I was on the verge of tears or I should say in and out of tears all day. I figured makeup would just make the problem worse so I decided to forgo that. It was no different with the tears when we got to the cemetery and I saw all the people there who love and support us and our little man. Thank you for coming. It was so special.

We brought 48 balloons for the 48 days Pierce was here. And one birthday balloon for his first birthday. People wrote notes on the balloons then we sang happy birthday and sent them to heaven. Cute little Koen's balloon said "♥ you" It made me cry, I love him. Then we just had cupcakes and visited. It really was nice. Thank you to every one who came, called, text, brought me something. Thank you. Thank you for thinking of me. It was definitely a hard day and everyone helped make it a little easier.

 That is quite intense in the picture area. I couldn't narrow them down. :) You know me and I also had to take pics of some of the things people dropped off.

 Thank you thank you! We are so blessed to have wonderful people in our lives.

Happy 1st Birthday!

Happy birthday little one! I can't believe it is here. You would be 1 today!!! All day long I have been looking at the clock thinking of what we were doing last year at "this time." It is hard and only kind of fun celebrating your birthday with out you here. We have been go go going, trying to have fun as a family. We feel the void. We want you here. Especially on your birthday. It is like one minute we are having fun and the next minute I am crying. It can't be right with out you here. I miss you so much. We all do. We hope you are near. Remember that disco ball in the picture?  You loved that thing. Mesmerized by it all the time. Koen pulled it out the other day to show his friends. We talk about you all the time. Koen told his teacher he wouldn't be at school today because it was your birthday, "his little brother that died." We are celebrating. Celebrating you. Celebrating the day you came into our family. We wish we could celebrate with you, but since we can't we will celebrate for you!

All my love!!!
Mom

This just sucks

Have you ever bought "first birthday" stuff for a baby who isn't here to celebrate? (hopefully not) IT TOTALLY SUCKS! I can't believe in just 2 days my baby would be 1. I want him here to celebrate. I want to buy the hat, the bib, the sign that hooks on the highchair. GRRR. Looking at it all and realizing most of it doesn't serve a purpose for P's birthday is maddening. I just wanted to burst into tears and/or yell at someone/thing.

I wanted to have my cute little baby bouncing around making obvious who I was buying for. Instead I got the questions. Luckily they were all pretty easy to doge with out having to lie. ;) I really just never thought about how bad it would suck to prepare for a party for some one who isn't even here. And that you wish was here more than anything. :( If purchasing sucks, celebrating should be interesting.

Baseball star!

Koen played coach pitch baseball this year. It is the sport he likes the most, which is still not much. ;) I am hoping over time he will grow a love for sports. That's why we keep trying. I think sports are good for kids. It gives something to fill their free time and teach them things. I keep reminding myself he is only 5. It's ok if he sits on the ground in the outfield. Its ok if he stomps on his mitt a few times. Well actually Phil had to remind me. ;)

He played with a few of his friends this year which was nice. His good friend Dylan from school and our neighbors Kyler, Evan and Austin. Overall I think he enjoyed it. I didn't love taking Brigs and manhandling him during the games, mostly by myself. Still worth it though.

 Koen and Dylan     Koen and Evan? (maybe Austin they are twins;)

 The crazy fan!

Go PHILLIES!