Some Animals Are More Heroic Than Others

As an enduring legacy of the animal rights movement, every American knows in his heart that hero pets are real, and they live, mild-mannered, among us. We all dream that our own pets might turn out to be heroes, but what sort of heroes they might be depends on the pet. Don't expect your ferret to drag you from a burning building. With this speciesist caveat in mind, let's run down the list of heroic pets.

Parakeet

The very first result on Google is about a parakeet that died of CO poisoning, and thereby saved us all. Seemingly more Christ-like than heroic, on further consideration this puts all the canaries in the coal mines on a pedestal with 9/11 firemen. Doesn't that appeal to you?

Rat

Though you might not think it, hero rats are out there. As Herorat.org informs us, some hero rats can detect landmines. Others can detect tuberculosis. As the owner of two rats, I'd like to think that I have one of each. You never know what tomorrow holds.

Turtle

When I began this search, I had forgotten that there was an entire TV/movie franchise based on hero turtles. I don't think there are actually any hero turtles, bodacious as that might be.

Goldfish

A Google search for "Hero Goldfish" turns up no obviously relevant results. On the other hand, "Villain Goldfish" leads us to this ominous blurb (6th from the top).

Parrot

According to news reports, these animals express their heroism primarily by making a goddamn racket whenever the slightest thing sets them off.

Dog, Cat

Dogs predicting seizures, and cats dialing 911 are a thing of the past. All the buzz on the internet now is about dogs saving dogs and cats saving cats. Perhaps dogs and cats have grown too heroic to redeem a fallen mankind. Let them save themselves, if they can.