A blog as a journal/family history

Disclaimer: this post is more of a "deep thought" kid of post than a funny things my kids do kind of post. If you don't feel like reading a lot, I put some (old) pictures in too so you can just scroll down to those.

As I have been trying to write everyday this month I have been thinking more and more about what to write. Last night I thought myself into a funk and couldn't write anything. I have been reading other bloggers blogs and my friend Lisa has been telling the story of how she met her husband. Her writing is so interesting it has inspired me to tell my story, but then I have a hard time deciding which one to tell or where to begin.
I started reading my old journals last night to refresh my memory and I realized that since I have started blogging I have been writing there less. Well I guess the decline in journal writing started more around the time when Ariel was diagnosed with cancer. I think I was just overwhelmed with emotion and the possibility of loosing her, and overwhelmed in general with caring for her and newborn Annika. It took not only a lot of time and energy but also an emotional toll. And I didn't know where to start like with just the facts or get into the fears. But, since I have been blogging I have not felt the need to write in my journal as much. I can definitely see this blog as a good family history tool, as far as family occasions and children's milestones, but not so much as a personal journal, because some things are still, for lack of a better word, personal.
On the other hand, I really enjoy reading women's blogs who express the deep spiritual aspects of life well, and have a great respect for that. It is uplifting for my spirit and inspiring both to see the spiritual side of life and inspiring that someone can write about connections they make in day to day life. It reminds me of how I was before and during my mission. As I was reading my journal last night, I noticed how much I have changed. I used to be a lot more contemplative, but I think I have gotten into this mother-has-to-get-every-thing-done mode, and always looking for the break that I am entitled to mode, so at the end of the day when all the work is done instead of spiritually filling up my lamp or bucket (depending on your metaphor of choice), I have been vegging out. For years now. It is taking a toll. I think it goes back to me not being as prepared to be a mom as I was to be a missionary.
I was totally prepared to be a missionary. I knew that you had to follow the rules to be a good instrument in God's hands. I wanted to be exhausted at the end of the day, because that would mean that I had worked hard and was a good missionary. And there was a satisfaction in that. I knew that as I searched the scriptures I would be better prepared to answer the investigators questions and that Heavenly Father would guide me to answers in my own life. I had questions about my own life. I had a plan and it ended with temple marriage. After that I didn't know what to expect. I never thought that far.
In the dating years I loved to tell guys and my journal that getting married is not an end, it is one (spectacular) event in a relationship that starts before the event and continues after it.
And now I find myself almost ten years after the spectacular event and wondering why I stopped striving and why I don't feel like I am still growing spiritually. Sometimes I like to blame the grind of everyday life of caring for my family, because it feels like a job that never ends, but I know that this is what I am supposed to be doing with my life and I am supposed to be finding joy in it. And then there is the world telling me that I deserve to pamper myself, and expect unrealistic things from my family.
So, I think that if I had been more prepared to be a mom and a good spouse, I might have been up to the task. And now that I don't have a "little white bible" of rules telling me what to do with every minute of my day like I did on my mission, I need to essentially write one for myself. And like President Eyreing said in the conference before last, I need to notice the hand of the Lord in my family's life and write about it.
This gratitude month is helping me change my perspective. Last year I feebly attempted to be grateful for something every day, but I gave up easily, so in this past year, I could say that I have come a long way to "living in thanksgiving daily." I do see things to be grateful for ever day and I am noticing the hand of the Lord more in my life, like I used to, when I used to be more pensive in general.
And that makes me think, "Is it just because I don't have a demanding newborn right now, that I can turn over this new leaf to the more thoughtful/aware side of myself? Would I be able to accomplish my goals if I did have a baby?" I think it is important to know one's own limits, and to hold yourself responsible for the challenges you have undertaken. Like, if you are going to decide to have a lot of kids, are you committed to raising them and striving meeting their emotional and spiritual needs? I think we have all seen the tragic consequences of parents giving up on parenting, and sliding into autopilot, leaving the kids to fend for themselves, not having the emotional foundation that they need in the adolescent years when they are figuring out who they are and finding their way in the world. That is one reason why I have decided that I need to always be reading a parenting book. I need to be engaged in my current job and looking for ways to improve. How-to books never appealed to me before, but now that I am not in school, they fill the my need to better myself and read someone else's perspective and insight.
So, reading parenting books is one way that I can prepare myself better for the task at hand, but like a missionary doesn't read the missionary guide alone, I also need to be actively searching for parenting and spousing (that is a real word) answers in the scriptures. That means I need to make the mental effort to actually articulate my questions, and search them out.
Last year, in my ward in Holladay, Utah we had this really wonderful motherhood class, that really got me thinking about some of these issues. The sister who was leading the group challenged us to set goals in our parenting, and really search for direction from the Lord to discover what His will was for us in raising His spirit children. One thought that really brought me peace in my struggles with my oldest daughter was that before she was mine, she was His, and He knows what her spirit needs to grow in this life, so why not turn to Him for help in raising her.
So, like a missionary, I need to be more disciplined in goal setting. Occasionally I do write down parenting goals, but I usually don't follow up. So this is sounding more and more like an entry in my journal and less and less like a blog post, but you know what, all of you who read and comment here can probably relate and I would really appreciate your participation in a dialog on this topic. If you want. Or just look at the pictures.