Nervous
I want to write these feelings down so I don't forget them.
I finally admitted to Jon last night that I'm getting anxious and nervous about this whole labor and delivery process. We have decided to have a natural birth (please don't bother telling me I'm crazy. I've already heard it. I have my reasons and believe they are legit.) and I can't help but wonder about my ability to control or manage the pain. Jon has full faith in me, which really helps, and I know I'll be relying on him a lot, which is how I want it.
I can't believe that in no more than 2 weeks (induction date has been set for the 16th) we will have a newborn baby in our house. Permanently. {Insert nervous squeal here.} While I am very much excited about this, I woke up panicked this morning feeling a little trapped at the permanence of it all. We'll forever be parents now. No longer just a couple, but a family. And then I thought about all the extra laundry, cleaning, dishes, and lack of sleep coming my way and I wondered what we had gotten ourselves into! Feeling a bit trapped, as I said.
I really really want to be able to wear my cute clothes again! I know, totally vain. I miss my Buckle jeans, heels, sweaters, and jewelry. I'm sick of wearing the same maternity outfit every time I go out. Now I'm starting to avoid going out because it takes too much effort to get dressed up and put my makeup on. Right now I prefer my comfy yoga pants, no bra, and one of Jon's nice big t-shirts. Those just don't work out in public like I'd hoped. :)
I don't have any good maternity shots of me and my belly, and it makes me sad. I find it unacceptable that as a photographer I have nothing to show for it! I had the best intentions, but it just never happened. And I'm very very sad about it. But the problem is that now my face is extra extra large and my belly is odd-shaped and has a nice dark line that I don't really want to show off. So if we never get pregnant again, I know I'm going to regret not having maternity pictures, but I'm not willing to swallow my pride and allow myself to be photographed like this.
I'm a little nervous about being home all day with a child. I'm already contemplating finding a part-time job counseling with LDS Family Services. I think mostly I'm worried about losing my identity to this child. Jon and I have already decided that it's best for me to stay home with her, but I'm struggling right now with feeling like I'm not contributing financially and I know with the extra cost of baby, it's going to be even more pronounced. Of course Jon does such a great job providing for us and I have no doubt that will continue, I just feel a little bit guilty about spending everything he works so hard for! :) And how do we plan for how much extra this little body will cost us?
9 comments:
Ok, love this post. It is so very real and everyone has those feelings. All of that "stuff" will work out. Just know you are going to be a fabulous mommy...bad days, no bra, sleep-deprived and all. Good luck with everything!
So many stresses, but when you hold her for the first time they will all melt away. (And you are not crazy - amazing and heroic in my book!) Good luck and lots of love!
so many people worry that when they have a baby they will lose their identity. but i believe that having a baby is when you gain your identity. someone told me when i was first preggo was that, when you have your very own kids, they end up being cool. they end up being like you and your husband, and their cool. and you think their cool. this is very true! good luck!
Okay here's my five cents: On natural childbirth - well, I've done two natural and two with an epidural. I have to say that the epidural was pretty nice, but it's up to you. Just remember to breathe and to focus (do you have a focal point? Music?) On the losing identity - don't feel guilty about finding ways to have time for yourself, or exploring things that interest you - I totally believe that if you are engaged and happy and interested in the world as a mom that your kids will be happy too. This little girl is lucky to have you Ally. Now - go get some rest!
It will be fun for you to look back and read your feelings later, after you little babe is here. You are right! There is no going back! But I don't think you and Jon will have any regrets- you had lots of time together as a couple, and got to do some amazing traveling, now life is going to get even better. You will feel like your heart is going to burst with the love you feel for your little one. It's the strongest feeling I've ever felt in my life. Everything will work out just how it should. Good luck with the natural birth. I would love to do one of those sometime. Watch out for the contractions on pitocin though, they are killer! If there's anyway your doctor can induce you without pitocin, do it! Oh yeah, and I relate on the "fat face" at the end of pregnancy thing, but I do wish I had a bunch of shots of just my belly, you know, neck down. I know a photographer can be creative enough to not get your face. Whatever weird shape you think your belly is, you are right, you WILL regret not having pictures of those final weeks, especially since once she's born, you're going to look at her and try with all your might to figure HOW ON EARTH she fit in there!!!! So take some belly shots! No make up required! Can't wait for your big day!
Good luck, you will be amazing. I totally could have gone natural if my little guy didn't flip while I was in labor (he became breech). Keep breathing. You are not a failure if you want and epidural though. Enjoy the experience.
good post. i remember having these feelings too... the permanace of it all, in fact, sometimes i still do. not in a bad way, but i like the reality that it brings to life. its a good thing that she's permament and forever.. :) and i agree with heather, take some dang belly shots!!!!!! i know you'll regret it if you don't so please please please capture that sweet belly and your sacred vessel. you're gonna be such a sweet sweet momma and we can't wait for her to come! yay!
great honest post aly. i had the chance to do a natural childbirth and it's definitely crazy hard, but you can do it!! your body was made to be able to go through that, and with jon by your side you'll get through it. it's a pretty spiritual thing. but don't feel like you have to be a hero! sometimes things don't go as smoothly as planned and plans have to change, and that is ok.
i too went through quite an identity crisis after the birth of my first. i feel like on the other side of things though that i came out not losing my identity, but finding a more meaningful, important and satisfying one. you will work it out i'm sure! you have so many talents and ways to contribute in this world, as a mom and otherwise. i wish you the best! maybe our baby girls will share a birthday. :)
Aly, all of your fears and worries are completely normal, and like somebody else said, once that little girl is in your arms most of your fears will melt away. Rather than losing your identity to her, she will become a part of you just as you will be a part of her. It really is amazing! As for natural childbirth, you can do it -- just focus on your breathe. I hope you have an amazing nurse, they can be wonderful. Don't be afraid to tell the nurses or doctor what you want and what your concerns are. You are going to do great and you will find out just how strong and amazing you really are!
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