Don't Melt Under the Holiday Stress!

Here in the Midwest, the weather is "blah" and college students like myself are facing the depressing notion that finals are right around the corner. A relaxing holiday and Christmas merriment at home aren't going to happen until I get through three exams, two essays and two projects.

That paragraph alone might be a bit of a downer, but take heart: It gets better. See, I'm a Christmas fanatic- I think j inherited that from my grandma (here's a shoutout to ya Grammy!). Needless to say, I've been outfitting my apartment with the cutest little Christmas touches and seasonal decor. It's the first year I have a real "place" to do that with.  

While students around me may be griping and groaning, I'm belting out "Hark the Herald Angel Sing," my longtime favorite carol. Stress may be around me but it will not consume me! This little melting snowman might succumb to it all, but not this girl!

I doubt Jesus intended for us to stress out about getting to the holiday resting, and then to turn around and stress about that as well. In fact, there were very little expectations that first Christmas. All that was awaited was little baby Jesus and the provision for Mary and Joseph to deliver Him. Everything else was just extra- the "party" with the shepherds, the gifts from the wisemen and even the fancy Christmas donkey that got them to the manger.  (RELATED: Deck the Halls with Gifts for Runners)

My point is: We get so wrapped up in the consumerism, that we often miss out on Christ's message this time of year. I for one, have often declared that" it's not Christmastime until...." or "I'll be able to relax and celebrate when..."  But what if we just expect Christ this year? Easier said than done, but there's something to be said for declaring that we CAN celebrate now because our focus isn't on the holiday lights or even the believed traditions. Our focus is on Him.  He alone is the Perfect Gift, and we know that He was born. No amount of schoolwork- or any work- should be able to delay the joy that comes with such knowledge!

So, if you see me walking around with headphones on and my eyes focused on a stack of notecards, be sure to wave. I'll stop my Christmas playlist and my test prep to wish you Merry Christmas! I'm not waiting till I'm done with my last exam, to rejoice- and you shouldn't either!

Merry Christmas!

RELATED: Christmas 2013 in Pictures
RELATED: 2013 Wildlights at the Zoo

How Deep is Your Pit?

Nothing can stop or hinder our God! How amazing is He? 

I was reading through the Psalms the other night and found myself just in awe of how powerful God is. However, this is out of context. What we don't see is the long account of just how unfaithful David was and how unfaithful we are as well. We aren't talking about God redeeming His people from a terrible accident or unmerited offense- though He does do that. We're talking about redemption from the pit that choosing sin has landed us in.  (RELATED: God' Glory)

See, God gives us instructions to flee from sin for a reason. It's messy. It hurts us. It breaks apart families and  crushes dreams and ceases life. But the cool part is that God has, with "(His) arm, redeemed (His) people."  There isn't any getting around that: We are messy and He still stoops down to us.

It's a message we hear over and over and over. But I would argue that it's so rote, we have dimmed its significance. We have forgotten just how HUGE it is that we, in our sin, have blatantly broke. the heart of God by turning from Him and that He- in never ending mercy- still takes us back when we realize we goofed up big time. 

That is something I am so, infinitely grateful for. If you're like me, there are times you've taken a shovel to the ground and dug away at your pit. If that's where you are now, I want to encourage you: Christ is better. There is fleshly pain in choosing to walk away from sin. But there is also freedom and joy and life. There is the promise of redemption, no matter how far we fall. Maybe that means you lay down the shovel with me, and plop yourself down in the dirt. He will come and He will renew a broken and contrite spirit. Make the choice to surrender today, and Christ will be right there, ready to wipe the dirt off your face.

RELATED: Forgiveness

Back at Butler for round two!

I promise, I haven't fallen off the face of the planet.  I have been crazy busy and getting adjusted to life again at Butler.  To spare myself the agony of writing a super long post-- and you all from having to read said post-- I'll keep it reader friendly.  I realize you want to read a series of long paragraphs just as much as I want to write them...  So here are some of the big updates from the past few months:

I spray painted this bookshelf!

1. I'm in an apartment this year!
Yay!  No more dorm living for this girl!  I am living in a campus-housing apartment with three other girls and am majorly loving it thus far.  I am also in a much better emotional state this year.  Add that to the fact that I can now walk around in my slippers and make my own meals, and I am not homesick like last year.  In fact, I don't think I've been homesick at all yet.  There are times when I wake up and wish I had my family or want a hug from mom or dad, but there's a difference.  Last year, I loved Butler but desperately wanted to be at home were it was "safe."  This year, I love home but I want everyone else to be here at Butler where I am having such a great time!

2. I'm not running right now
I firmly believe that I'm imperfect.  Though I can't stand that at times (RELATED: Imperfect Progress), I do know that when I acknowledge those imperfections and flaws, it allows God to move in me and it frees me of the pressure to perform and be perfect.  So, in the spirit of vulnerability, I am sharing this update.  I'm not running right now because I was not at a healthy place-- physically, emotionally or spiritually.  I had swept the issue of anorexia under the rug last year and coasted by, but God brought me to a place of desperation where I realized that I couldn't live like that anymore, and I decided that I wouldn't live like that anymore.  I cannot wait to share all God has been showing me, with you all, during the next few weeks.  As I have opened up my heart, God has been pouring in His mercy and healing and it has been amazing to watch Him restore me.  Nope.  I'm nowhere near finished, but I have a greater hope than ever that God is moving.  For the first time, I am truly surrendering to that and I'm not going back to the past.  I'm learning to fight for myself, to surrender to God, to rest, to listen, to study His word, to breathe in His presence...it's a spiritual bootcamp!  And I am so so glad that I have a God who not only hasn't abandoned me, but has declared me righteous and free.  So I'm fighting for freedom like never before :)

3. I'm keeping busy!

Yay for the bottom bunk this year!

Even without cross country on my plate, I'm still keeping super busy!  I am making time and effort to be more social this year and make friends!  As I have started letting my walls down, I've noticed something crazy: people actually like me!  That's not to say I should look for approval from others-- already got enough problems with that-- or that everyone will like me. But I am feeling more at ease to be myself, and like who that young woman is.
Aside from shenanigans with friends, I have my first shift for work tomorrow.  I've never had a legitimate job where the government takes my money, so it's pretty exciting.  Basically, I got a job at the Speaker's Lab where students aid other students with speeches.  I decided to only work two hours a week and the pay is minimal, but I applied before I knew I would even get paid: I'm doing it for the experience and the boost for my resume.  Plus, I love to help others with speeches and it should be really fun.  I'm also volunteering again at a school for blind children (Click HERE for an awesome story from last year!) and will start that this Tuesday.  I can't wait to see the kids again and interact with them.  God showed me so much through my time there last year.

4. Classes
As nice as it would be to fill my time with the things listed above, I am at Butler primarily to learn, so I do have classes and homework and all that (shoutout to my homework for inspiring me to blog right now rather than get ahead for next week!).
As depressing as that sounds though, I really can't complain: I love all my classes.  I am really excited because it is the first semester where the classes I am taking are all things I am genuinely interested in.  The professors are very passionate and the classes are challenging, which I love when it is a subject that interests me.  I'm taking:

• Spanish for Written Communication
• Promotional Writing II
• East Asian Interactions (required social studies, but very interesting)
• Electronic Journalism
• Creative Writing

Spanish is my favorite so far, although it is also one of the hardest.  I thought I would love to just have summer forever, but I've found that-- for the most part-- I have been eager to get back learning.

5. Spiritual Growth

One of my favorite verses lately. We need to focus on God,
not our problems or our issues! He is waiting for us to
turn to Him and let Him handle it!

As I mentioned above, God has really been working in my life.  There is so much to share that I'll have to take it in chunks. But I want to encourage you all that God is always with His children.  He has brought His word to life for me and is teaching me to pray with passion and courage.  I am enthralled more and more every day.  Though this is one of the hardest spiritual battles of my life, it is also the most rewarding because I am seeing the layers of pain, sin and bitterness slowly peel away.  It is super slow, but I've been writing every day and it is so cool to go back and see where I was just a month ago.  Thank you Jesus!

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That's all for now!  And now that I have broken the month long silence, I promise to be popping up on your screen more often-- if you choose to read my blog, that is.  I have a lot of fun stuff to share and will hopefully inspire and encourage you all in the process.  Peace out and happy Saturday!

Submission and Obedience

     Wouldn't it be great if we could all just run around doing exactly what we want?  I would start with running every red light and clearing every shelf at my local Dick's Sporting Goods.  But...if you decided to run every red light too, we might have a problem eventually.
     When I babysit, I frequently get the line: "But I don't want to!!!!"  Sometimes, I respond with an eloquent and gracious comment.  Other times, I respond by saying, "Well, it's not all about you."
     Yet, I'm a huge hypocrite when it comes to getting what I want.  I turn around and whine like a five year old when I'm interrupted at dinner or someone ate my last frozen yogurt bar (RELATED: Frozen Bar Face Off).  In fact, the concepts of obedience and submission have been on my own backburner for far too long.  I've tried to dance around the subject of obedience.  After all, my plan is much better than the plan of the creator of the universe, right?  Uh.... ya, that's where I get a little red in the face.
     And yet, it is true.  I walk around like I know better than God, and He needs to be following my orders.  Yikes!  It is then that I sheepishly remember verses like Psalm 18:30: "As for God, His way is blameless (NASB)."  Or how about James 4:7, which says, "Submit yourselves therefore to God.  Resist the devil and he will flee from you (NKJV)."
     These verses, along with others, don't leave much open for interpretation.  We are to submit to God because His ways are much, much better than ours.  We are also to submit to the authority He has place in our lives (Romans 13:13).  And while this provides a sense of relief that it's off our shoulders and we can trust God with matters in our life, it tends to make me a little anxious.
     In fact, I was struggling with this very issue on Saturday night when I cracked open my Bible for some time with God.  "It makes sense," I rationalized to both myself and God, regarding a poor decision I intended to make.  
     I reassured myself with every page I flipped to get to my bookmark.  "I know much better and I know this is the right decision.  Plus, if these people are actually correct, then I can just obey later and it's all good.  And in the end, you will forgive me anyway if I am wrong.  But I'm not.  I'm right.  I'm right, God, so it's ok to disobey." 
     As soon as I finished this mini pep talk in my head, I began to read where I had left off the night before.  Sure enough, James 4 was on the docket and I starting reading about the importance of submission.  I quickly decided that reading some of the Psalms would be  "more encouraging," but not before I got a good dose of correction from God.  I was wrong.  Flat out, 100% wrong.  Even if I'd been correct about the disputed matter, which I wasn't, I would've been wrong.
     Why?  Because God's word makes it clear that we are to submit in obedience to the authorities God has placed in our lives.  Now, there are special circumstances where we are instructed to disobey, but in my situation, that wasn't at all the case.  James even references Proverbs 3:34, saying: "God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble (NKJV)."
     What is proud about disobedience you may ask?  Well, it assumes that we know better than God, for one.  In essence when we disobey God's instructions or the instructions from authority He's placed over us, we are saying: "You don't know what is best, I do.  So, instead of listening to you, I'm gonna do this my way."
     Yep.  That pretty much sums up my experience the past few weeks.  I kept trying to surrender control to God.  But all the while, I was telling Him that He had to do things the way I wanted.  I wanted to be free from trying to control everything, but I didn't want to take the path He had for me.  Thus, no freedom for me!  But when we recognize the pride behind disobedience, when we see it as the sin it is, we take the first step towards coming into alignment with Christ.  For me, it meant a serious heart talk and a lot of writing.  After that, we need to repent.  We need to turn away from the disobedience and choose Christ.
     It is super hard to do that, believe me.  But be encouraged friends: God will bless your obedience!  His plans are much better than ours, remember.  So when you choose to lay down your will, be ready to pick up all the blessings He has in store for you!  Plus, you will find a deep communion with the Father when you are living in obedience rather than disobedience.  When we come into alignment with Him, we allow His spirit to flow and His love to pour out of us.  This doesn't mean that turning from disobedience will be easy, but it does mean that the more we choose to do so, the better benefit we will see!  
     Take a step with me this week and identify and area of disobedience or lack of submission in your own life.  One thing that helps me is writing a little sentence or short paragraph every day about how I'm doing with my obedience and what I am praying for regarding the struggle.  Join me in seeking more of God and less of our sinful nature.  And like I said before, be ready to pick up all the blessings and abundance of Christ that will come when you lay down "me me me." (RELATED: Are You Spiritually Face Washing?)

I Got Hit By a Car

     My, that sounds pretty dramatic doesn't it!  "I got hit by a car" is open to so many interpretations.  Was I driving?  Was I running?  Most importantly: What the heck was I thinking?
     I'm fine honest, and I chuckle to think I got hit by a car yesterday, but yes: It did happen.  I was riding my bike back from the gym and the driver of a lawn care company truck didn't see me.  I was literally around the corner from my house when I saw the truck coming super close and frantically tried to get as close to the curb as I could.  In an instant, I realized that he didn't see me.  I also realized that there was a trailer on the back of the truck.  But by the time I registered that I should jump from the bike to the grass, I was already struck and laying on the road.
     For a minute, I really though it would run over my head and that would be the end of me.  It was pretty freaky!  Then, I thought I would break a bone.  But, as the trailer cleared and I began to scream, I realized that as bloody as I was, I was ok.  God's protection was all around.  Though I landed on my shoulder and ripped a whole in the back of my jacket, I didn't hit my head.  Even though my knees were dripping blood all down my legs, I could move everything just fine.  I took a few seconds to childishly scream "ow! ow! ow!"  Then I realized I should probably tell the panicked driver standing over me that I was ok.  "I'm fine," I sobbed to him.  "I'm ok."
     It's not too exciting of a story after that.  Some extremely kind neighbors came over and sat with me while we waiting on the medics. A police officer came and took a report, citing the driver with a ticket and giving me information so I can get my bike fixed.  They checked my vital signs and asked me all the standard concussion questions, although I assured them I didn't hit my head.
     After I profusely thanked the neighbors, medics and police officer, I walked over to the driver.  I told him the truth: I know that mistakes happen and it could've been anyone.  "God was protecting me, and He was watching over me," I told the man, who had tears in his eyes.  After my incident hitting a mailbox two years ago, I know how freaky it is to hit something or someone and realize it was all your fault.  I remember wishing with every fiber of my being that I could rewind time.  But I couldn't then, and the driver who hit me could either.  So I let him know that he didn't have to.  I was ok, God was (and is) good, and all was forgiven.
     Once the police officer gave me the ok to leave, I grabbed my wounded bike and walked it up the hill to my house.  "Um...I just got hit by a car," I texted my older brother, knowing it was the perfect leverage to get him to come over and hang with me :)
     So yes, I got hit by a car.  But I was just a little bit sore this morning and had no problem going for my run.  Ya, I could do without the pain and fear that went along with the crash, but it is a pretty cool story and I do have some pretty sweet "battle wounds."  Besides, I got a nice evening with my brother.

Blissful Island Relaxation

   
     I'm beginning to think that I will never grow out of post-vacation-depression.  Ever sense I was little, I've had that great feeling of mourning when the good times come to an end and I have to pack up and head home.  Although I no longer stand sobbing at the beach or lying on my floor crying, I can say I've mastered the art of silently crying while keeping a straight face.  Sunglasses really help out too.
     This vacation was no different  I had an amazing time in St. John.  The sun, the beach, the time with my family and God: It was all wonderful and much needed.  I grew closer with my step-siblings, got to hike on my late uncle's favorite trail and had a blast with my family.  I ran, hiked, snorkeled, kayaked, swam and paddle boarded all over that island.
     But right now, in this post, I'm not here to tell you about all the ways I adventured and explored during my vacation.  That will come soon enough.  I want to explain the most important, most special thing I experienced while I was gone last week:

REST.

     I have never been good at it.  I've never been able to sit still and just "BE."  Growing up, I tried just about every sport I could sign up for: soccer, basketball, swim team, ice skating, tennis and-- of course-- running (with my parents).  While I eventually stuck with running, my restlessness became a pathway into anorexia as I dealt with my parents divorce and lots of death in the family.  Since then, resting has been not only minimal, but nonexistent in my life.  I saw it as a sign of weakness, another way that others could see into my brokenness and hurt me.  I didn't want to be vulnerable anymore, so I kept going at a million miles an hour in an effort to become, or at least appear, stronger.
     That's not to say I don't genuinely love running, because I Do.  I LOVE it.  But I also have loved tiring my body to exhaustion and feeling better than the gym goer next to me who is idly surfing the web on the elliptical.
     Recently though, as I've recommitted to surrendering ALL of me to God, I realized just how important rest is.  After all, God rested on the seventh day. He didn't need rest, but He wanted to set an example for us.  He wanted us to see that it is important to rest so that we can be more effective and be full of His peace.  He wants us to trust Him.
     Lately, God has been showing me the concept of rest in so many ways.  I've seen verse after verse, song after song.  I've seen numerous deer resting in the woods while I'm out walking (rather than allowing myself to rest and relax).
     Going to St. John last week was a moving extension of that lesson.  I know that delaying obedience to God is disobedience, and I know He has been calling me to rest.  While I'm still working diligently on obedience in plenty of areas, His spirit finally broke through to me regarding rest.  I was amazed at the relief I felt when I told myself I didn't need to go on a long walk or refuse to sit still in the car.  I could, and can, be still in Him and trust that my body is His temple and He will care for it.
     It is still a huge battle for me, and I know it will always be a weakness.  But God is in me and I know that He has granted us rest for a specific reason.  Taking a nap is a blessing, sitting out in the sun is a chance to see more of His beauty.

     I frequently see God's majesty on morning runs and while walking in nature.  But now, I'm learning to see Him in still moments in my room or a still body at the dinner table.
     While on vacation, I let myself rest and read.  I allowed God to dictate more of my day.  Each and every day I let a little more of Him in and listened a little less to the nasty voice of satan in my ear.
     That is why I'm so excited to share this journey with you, because I am in awe of the hope God has given me through it and the way He has used this past week to move in me and draw me nearer to Him.       I hope that as you look through the upcoming photographs and stories of my awesome Caribbean adventure, you will remember this post and recall  the true beauty that God provided me during this vacation: His presence and His rest.  Now that I'm back home, it is super hard to establish those habits here and allow myself to rest.  But I do know that the freedom I experienced on St. John doesn't have to stay back on the island.
     As children of God, we can have joy in every moment.  We can choose freedom and peace and joy in Christ.  We can also choose to rest in Him, not leaning on our own understanding or trying to work our way up the totem pole.  Let me tell you from experience, when you get to the point of utter exhaustion from trying to "manage" and "do" it all-- because you will get to that point-- God is right there.  Daddy is waiting with His arms wide open for you to come and collapse into.  I think that is the point I am finally at, and it feels good.  Really good :)

A Presence Filled 2014: June 21

     Happy first day of summer!  Unfortunately, where I live wasn't very "summery" today.  The sun peaked out from behind the clouds a little, but stayed coyly hidden most of the day.

     Either way, God has really been ministering to me lately about His unfailing love.  Yes, I've blogged about it before (HERE and HERE), but in case you haven't noticed: His love is pretty amazing!  He has been pursuing me this week as I've flip flopped back and forth: Surrender, control, surrender, control.  I get so frustrated with me until I realize that focusing on my own faults is never the way to go.   As Christians, we don't get to far along the path when we are too busy looking at our faults to focus on God.
     So I've been making an effort to fill myself with Him-- not the crap on the T.V or catching up with Lifestyle News on my phone app, Pulse.  I've been taking prayer walks, reading more, getting scripture inside of me and trying to stay in constant communication with God.
     In life, I often go through spurts where I don't do so.  I don't treat life like a war, a spiritual battle that is swarming all around me.  The truth?  It is.  It absolutely is.  John 10:10 says that Satan "comes to kill, steal and destroy."  As a communications major, I love looking at the particular vernacular and diction choices in scripture, and this is no different.  There's a reason the Holy Spirit didn't say that Satan "is dangerous" or "wants to harm us."  Nope.  He wants to utterly, completely decimate you and your faith.  So what can we do?
     We can stop acting like little pawns for one.  I know I get sucked into that idea that while, yes: Spiritual warfare is real, it isn't really impacting me.  But we aren't just little pieces that are moved around.  We've got power!  We have the power of the King.  That is something Christ has been showing me this week: It's time to man up, get my armor and get back in the fight.
     Yes, it is hard.  Yes, the struggles we go through in life are downright gritty and take all our strength.  But it is worth it!  It's worth it to experience the presence of the King and the joy that comes with glorifying Him.  I'm no perfect example, I'm hobbling along on my own mountainous path.  But I do know that when I get off my butt and start engaging in the fight that's waging in this world, I am filled with more joy that I am exhaustion.  God's love is pretty amazing, it's pretty radical.  God isn't going to let you fight this battle on your own, because He has something invested in this fight.  He's got His own son or daughter out on the battleground.  He's got His reputation as King at stake.  His most precious creation is being threatened by the deception of the enemy.  There is no way He is stepping off to the side to see how it all plays out.  Remember that friends!
     As much as I'm reminding you, I'm reminding myself.  Just as we are unaware of the spiritual warfare around us, we are often unaware of God's great intercession and action on our behalf.

Today, I pray that God's love fills you to overflowing.  Let it be evident in all you do and say, compelling you to surrender to Him and His calling.  I pray you will listen for the Spirit, grow more aware of the spiritual battle in your life and cry out to God for the strength you don't have.  Let Him minister to you, let His love and joy draw you nearer and nearer to His presence in every way.  Do not give up your fight- simply give the fight up to Him.  

     We can't do this on our own, so thank goodness we don't have to!  I guess that's it for my spiritual musing, hopefully my ramblings provide some encouragement, perhaps God is speaking this same lesson to you.  In that case, leave a comment so we can be praying for each other, because I'm right there with ya!  While your at it, take a look at Philippians 3:14.  God recently spoke to me through this scripture, so I'm committing it to memory to strengthen my faith.  I encourage you to do the same:

Are You "Spiritually Face-washing?"

     Last week, I had a huge pimple on my chin.  It was the kind of pimple that makes you wish you could bundle up in your thickest winter scarf and make a new fashion statement at the pool.  Alas, you would get many strange glances and, most likely: Heat stroke.
     While the size of the zit has greatly subsided, it now resembles a cut from a bad bicycle accident or  a fall on the sidewalk--  all appropriate, if I were a five year old daredevil off of training wheels.  In all honesty though, the whole experience has reminded me of a similarly embarrassing event when I was just six years old.
     We were on a family vacation in Sedona, Arizona during Spring Break.  I was a happy-go-lucky goofball, spending the week romping around the giant pool and hiking among the red rocks.  It was also the week of Easter, so the resort had a massive Easter egg hunt that blew my little mind.  The last night of our vacation, we were going to a fancy-- for a family with three young kids-- restaurant and I was elated to wear my new turquoise dress.  It was fringed with little beads and had swirls of neon green.  It was perfect.
     As we all got dressed, I went up to my mom for inspection.  After admiring my outfit, she noticed a little pimple on my chin.  "Why don't you go wash your face," she instructed.  I don't exactly remember what I was thinking, but I grabbed a washcloth and began vigorously scrubbing St. Ives Facial Scrub on my chin.  I scrubbed and scrubbed as hard as I could before emerging from the bathroom and meeting the family by the door.  What I had done all but horrified my parents: I had scoured my face to such extent that I was seriously bleeding, and not just from the area where the pimple was.  I vaguely remember my parents chuckling and assuring me it was ok, because I didn't give the incident a second thought after my initial panic.  We went to dinner and I had a great time.  But we also got a family picture taken that night-- one that was up in our living room for years-- and the evidence of my little "chin war" was as clear as day.
     Anyway, I was reminded of that this past week as I not only struggled with an equally stubborn zit, but also a struggle against the "need for perfection."  I so often get sucked into satan's lie that I have to put up walls, control my life and hide away my vulnerability.  I'll save you the trouble and let you know: It doesn't work.  Galatians 5:1 says, "It is for freedom that Christ has set you free.  Stand firm then and refuse to be bound again by a yoke of slavery."  (RELATED: Francis Chan at Passion 2014)
     That's exactly what perfectionism is: Another form of slavery, another bondage to hold us back from freedom in Christ.  Just like I scrubbed my face raw as a six year old with a little pimple, I scrub my sins with anger and vigor.  I try to wash it all away with my own anger and effort.  Maybe, when that doesn't work, I try to cover it up.  But Christ has already washed me-- us-- clean.  That's good news because we can't exactly scrub ourselves clean so he can't see it.  God loves us no matter how dirty and messed up we are!  As Romans 5:8 says, "While we were still sinners Christ died for us."  Period.  Not, "While we were still sinners Christ died for us, once he saw us cleaning ourselves up."  He is for us and He is making us His new creation, the more we submit and allow ourselves to be molded (RELATED: Book Review of Watchman Nee: Man of Suffering)
     If you struggle with perfectionism and your own spiritual "scouring," I hope this was a good reminder for you as it was for me.  God is with you and He infinitely loves you.  So put down the washcloth and just rest in knowing that your messy life is not too much for God to swoop in and restore.  All it takes is surrender, difficult but simple.
     What areas of your life have you been trying to scrub clean or cover up?  Go ahead and comment below.  If you're ready to address that pattern of sin, proclaim it.  And remember: I'd love to hear about it!

RELATED: A Book Review of "Practicing His Presence"
RELATED: God's Perfect Peace

Am I a Sophomore Already?!

 

  I am amazed at how quickly this school year has flown by.  I'm aware how cliché that is, but I can't describe it otherwise.  I just arrived home and am so excited for this much needed break after all my hard work and finals!  I have experienced a lot of new things, like:

-Living in a college dorm
-Running (and not running) collegiately
-Rehabbing from a stress fracture
-Breaking out of homesickness and finding new friends
-Exploring Indianapolis in every way possible!

I've really enjoyed my trips to the
Indianapolis Museum of Art

-Learning a ton: In and out of class
-Growing more dependent on Christ






...And that is just the start of it!  I'll be updating the blog more with my new free time.  Expect more advice for incoming college freshman, book reviews, devotionals, nutrition finds and travel adventures!  Get ready for an awesome summer of blogging!!!
   

Just another IMA adventure!

And now I'm done!

This is going to be summer of refreshment and newness.  I am so excited as I'll be nannying, interning with a Christian magazine, "Just Between Us".  As my health improves, I'll also be training in a healthy and joyful way!  As I've discovered this year, the exciting aspects of my life are only increasing as I discover more of who I am and explore more of this amazing world around me.

I can't wait for next year either!  I am confident that I am right where God wants me and that's exciting stuff!  Sophomore year is going to be even better than this year; I am confident of that as well!

Finals: A Presence Filled 2014

     Depending on how you look at it-- and how much of a procrastinator you are-- finals can be a challenging time to stay focused on God and experience His presence.  It's so easy to get wrapped up in studying and writing papers.  But we don't have to be stressed, we can choose peace over those things.  That's something I'm very much learning at this point.  Most of my finals this semester are papers and presentations, but I do have 2 finals.  I just got one out of the way! Yay!!!  And I'm so grateful for God's peace that goes before me, and that gives me rest.  Gosh: I can't wait to have a nice break this summer!  Finals getting you down?  Enjoy some funny pictures about exam-moping: 

Imperfect Progress and Eyes on The Cross

     The last few weeks, I've had to take a step back and focus on finishing the school year well and doing all the time-consuming work that goes along with being a student-- not to say I wasn't doing that before!  It's just been really crazy with finals coming up.  Nonetheless, I am fully committed to being more regular with my blogging, starting with today's post about what God has been showing me lately.      As I previously wrote, I was able to get back to the track and race-- praise God!  But what I haven't updated on is where I am currently.  As of now, I'm done for the season.  While that is a huge bummer for me, it is also a giant step forward in the right direction because I was not making my health a priority and my weight had gone down as I ignored the problem and continued running.  I had lots of nagging injuries as a result of that, so the decision was made to focus on restoring my health now, so I can be 100% healthy and prepared for this next cross season.
     Believe me, I fought it kicking and screaming.  No part of me wanted to finish my first collegiate year having only run two races and not really showing anything for myself.  I didn't accomplish all the goals I'd set.  I didn't break through and expose the talent I believe God has given me.  I didn't do a lot of things.
     But what I have done, and am doing, is letting go for the first time.  Last week, as I took an entire week off of exercise, I chose to view it as my week with the Lord.  I prayed a lot, struggled a lot and wrote... a lot!  What I also did a lot of, was ragging on myself.  If you've read my blog before, you'll notice that my lack of self-confidence and self-esteem is no secret.  To be honest, I struggle with "liking myself."  Mainly, that's because of perfectionist tendencies and the false belief that I have to earn the love of others.  For that reason, I stepped into last week with a massive amount of self-hatred and disgust for who I was.  All I could think was how I had wasted an entire year of running, how I'd screwed up all the plans God might have had for me, how I'd disappointed everyone around me-- especially my family.

I love screenshotting awesome verses
like these!

     I won't sugarcoat it: I moped along like that for a good three or four days until God, and my dad, finally shook me and I got to the point where I confessed that I didn't want to hate myself and I didn't like living like that.  From there, once I'd finally let God in, everything turned around.  While that's not to say that I suddenly had no thoughts that I was eating too much or I needed to exercise or that I was a failure for not completely being healed from anorexia.  That all happened.  But once I let God in, I was able to see the beautiful joy in being broken.  I was able to be transparent (RELATED: Experiencing God's Joy).
     That was when I realized it.  I realized that for the first time in my life (no joke), I was actually forgiving myself.  Yes.  I'm 19 years old and I don't think I've ever really forgiven myself before.  I still harbor guilt from when I told my dad I didn't want him to eat lunch with my in the cafeteria...in third grade.  But I am finally deciding, choosing and beginning to do it: forgive myself!  And it feels great.
     I beginning to grasp the idea that God's forgiveness it here for the taking, but we have the responsibility to do just that: take it!  Once that idea started churning in my head, I experienced such hope.  I am so hopeful and joyful looking ahead.  I am finally addressing the last of this monster-eating disorder that I never fully killed.  I'm finally focusing on God and not "fixing myself."  And for the first time in a long, long time: I feel free.  I still feel quite broken and sometimes ashamed, but also free.  Heck, doesn't the fact that I'm choosing to-- while anonymously-- post this on the internet?  I still care a bit too much what people think; I still worry that I'll be judged and talked about.  Chiefly, I am afraid that I'll be seen as weak, not the tough and strong girl I want to come across as.  But as I'm starting to accept: I'm not that girl.  I never have been.  That's why I need Christ in the first place.  That's why I need forgiveness.
     So maybe this post finds you in a similar place.  Perhaps you're hating yourself for failing over and over again with a habitual sin.  Maybe you're regretting past mistakes and lost time.  You might even feel the weight of shackles on your own feet as I talk about my story.  I want to encourage you with James 1:12, which says:

Bless is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.

     You may feel like a failure, but do not forget that this is spiritual warfare and you are on a battleground.  Most importantly, you-- we-- cannot fight the battle alone.  That's why I love Psalm 27:4, which says:

One thing I have desired of the Lord,

That will I seek:

That I may dwell in the house of the Lord

All the days of my life,

To behold the beauty of the Lord,

And to inquire in His temple. (NKJV)

     That is what I want: To focus on God and seek Him alone.  As one of my favorite authors, Lysa Terkeurst says, "it's imperfect progress."  I won't honor God with my eating every day.  I won't honor Him with a lot of things on a consistent basis, but I do seek to honor Him with all that I am.  I am ready to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.  If we always stick with the comfortable, we'll never move forward into all that God has.  So: imperfect progress and eyes on the cross.  I guess that's the main theme for today.  Remember that God has so much more for you than the shackles of sin and shame and self-hatred.  Remember who you are, my friend.  Be encouraged and choose to seek Christ and Christ alone.  Every action and thought is a decision to either seek Christ or seek your own sinful desires.  Just like in a race: Every second matters!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     Need some more encouragement?  Head over to YouTube and listen to "Eyes on the Prize" by Sara Groves.  I recently did a post on my favorite worship songs and this one is at the top of the list!  Read the blog post HERE for some other great songs!

     

Peace Like a River

     As a child, I remember singing "I've Got Peace Like a River" (sorry: couldn't find a really good, simple version) along with the other kids in church.  I love the message: Absolute freedom in the Lord.  Yet, I've been far from that freedom lately.  I've been rocked by circumstance after circumstance.  My emotions were in control the past few weeks, as I battled the flu, then struggled through my newest running issue: Hip bursitis.  I have stressed through exams and grappled for control that should be God's.
     It was yesterday, in the middle of all this chaos, that I remembered my volunteering experience a few weeks ago.  I met a young woman who was blind.  She also happened to be a very gifted pianist.  She was excited to show me her ability on the piano.  So when it was her turn, she sat down at the bench and motioned for me to join her.
     "Do you know 'Peace like a River,'" she asked me?  "I do," I responded enthusiastically.  "It's one of my favorites!"  She said she loved to sing, but had a quiet voice.  "I'll sing along then, if that's ok," I offered.  She nodded and began to play.
     As her slender fingers brushed the keys, I was swept with the power of the Holy Spirit.  All week, I had been struggling with the rush and roar of life.  Trials and lies of the devil had been surrounding me on all sides.   There, in a classroom at the school for the blind, I was finally able to breathe in.  I breathed in the peace and joy of God that I'd been restlessly scrambling to find all week.  It came in that simple moment as her voice quietly echoed the lyrics, "I've got peace like a river in my soul."  Peace was what I'd been missing.  I'd been striving to find it, and there it was: In the simplest of forms.
     As I began to sing along with my new friend, I heard what I can best describe as a "glimpse of Heaven."  Around the living room area of this classroom, four or five voices piped up.  They began quietly but grew as each one joined in.  Some were wildly off pitch and others were hushed and beautiful, but all the voices created a sweet melody to Christ.
     I will never forget the sweet joy of of the father that I saw in that precious time with my new friends.  Their joy and peace blessed me by exhibiting the love of my heavenly father, who I was so desperately missing during the days of searching for Him.  I found that I really just needed to be still and listen.  And as I listened to those young and eager voices singing of the peace, joy and love of God- I heard Him.

Christian Songs for Encouragement

Eyes on the Prize: One of my
ALL-TIME favorite songs!

     I've had one of those weeks.  It culminated in a morning of tearful worship and fellowship with some pretty awesome friends.  All that to say: I will not give up.  Don't you know that's what Satan wants us to do when the going gets tough.  If you are in need of encouragement today, pick out a couple of these songs.  They will lift your heart and bring it into alignment with the amazing grace and love of Christ.  He hasn't left you and you are not alone in this fight- I'm preaching that as much to you as I am to myself!


1. For when you are discouraged and lacking hope:
 Promises by Sanctus Real

2. When you need to sense God's sovereign love:
 Overwhelmed by Big Daddy Weave

3. When you feel desperately alone in your trial:
 You Won't Let Go by Michael W. Smith

4. When you need to refocus on Christ and not the things of this world:
 Christ is Enough by Hillsong

5. When you need to remember the faithfulness of God: 
Eyes on the Prize by Sara Groves

   
     Lastly, here is a video my daddy sent me titled: "Don't Stop, Don't Give Up."  It's pretty silly, and very cute.  Yet, it has somehow stuck with me in a powerful way.  I guess that just goes back to the power of words.  Proclaim it over yourself: You will not give up!  God has so many great plans for you and you must press on.  There is a sweet closeness that you can gain with the father when you are going through trials.  Use this time to draw near to Him and glean everything you can out of this situation.
     I for one, have been beating myself up that I haven't been glorifying God "perfectly."  If I were doing 'XYZ' better, then God would find favor in me and I wouldn't be such a disappointment.  That's nonsense- I'm telling myself this one as well- because your value is not in WHAT you are, but WHO you are.  And I don't mean WHO you make yourself to be, I mean who God says you are.  You are His.  Period.  End of story.  You are amazingly beautiful and forever treasured because your father says so and He created you.
     Don't stop short during this desert trial and miss all the glory, splendor and growth He has for you.  My favorite verse in the Bible (Hebrews 10:39) proclaims, "We are not those who shrink back and thus perish.  We are of those who persevere and preserve our souls."
     Persevere my friend and don't- DO NOT- stop and give up!


RELATED: Now is the Time

Today Will Be The Best Day of My Life

   

     Did you wake up this morning with determination, or did you-- like me-- roll out of bed with a little apprehension and dread?  For most people, the everyday routine of life is not so glamourous.  We get easily bogged down by deadlines, schedules and demands.
     This is exactly what I was thinking when I opened my devotional the other day.  It was talking about living in a future oriented and heaven focused way.  The writer referenced a friend who said he woke up every morning, proclaiming the truth: "Today is going to be the best day of my life!"
     I'm not suggesting we should ignore reality and live with our heads in the clouds.  Yet, there is great power in the words we speak.  If we speak forth joy, we are going to direct our days toward living in joy.  In the same way, if we speak forth negativity and bitterness, that's what we are going to reap.
     As Christians, we are ambassadors of Christ.  We need to wake up everyday with the determination that we will live out that calling.  Today, tonight, this week: Will be the best in your life!  It's not because you will win a million dollars or finally land that promotion.  Nope.  They will be the best because you will live them to the glory of God.
     See, when we walk forward in the joy and freedom of Christ, we will live out the time we have in the way God has planned, and that will make it the best it can absolutely be.  So it might not be the best we can imagine, but it will be the best.
     Earlier this week, when I was really frustrated with being sick and not being able to run, I was reminded just how often God has already proved himself to me.
     He has never failed me.  In the trials that I've been sure will make my life worse-off, God has brought amazing blessing.  Death, divorce, anorexia and a parent's remarriage: They have all rocked me to the core.  Yet, when I look back, I see the great joy and wisdom and blessing God has brought me as a result of all these things.


(RELATED: Joy in God's Presence)
(RELATED: The Joy of God)

     So today might be a little rough.  You may get angry and blow your top.  Someone else might get angry with you and act poorly.  Either way, if you are a follower of Christ: You are an ambassador of His love, patience, joy, freedom and all that other good stuff.
     Take heart.  He has overcome the world and today, yes today, can be the best day of your life!

An Atypical Monday

     The past few weeks have been so stressful, yet great at the same time!  I will address all the new updates in a post after this one.  Anyway, I figured today would be a good day to update the blog, seeing as it has been forever and I am sick with the flu.  And what better thing to update you with than the regaling story of how I spent yesterday in the ER?

     It started after our long run Sunday morning.  I was walking back to get ready for church and said hi to a friend.  "Don't get too close," she warned.  "I'm getting over the stomach flu."  

     I grimaced and wished her well in her recovery as walked outside.  Other than feeling really tired from my long run and my race on Saturday, I felt decent up until Sunday night when I got an awful stomach ache.  I don't get them often, so I figured I could just sleep it off and it would be no big deal.  Alas, I woke up around 2 a.m. and spent the rest of the night throwing up and sleeping on the dorm room floor so I was close to the trashcan.  I made it down to the bathroom around 6:30 a.m., but felt like I was going to pass out if I didn't lay down.  Thankfully, someone came in for a shower around 6:45 and helped me to walk back down to my room and wake up the RA.  

     From that point on, I didn't throw up anymore.  But the EMTs came because I was so dizzy that I couldn't sit up.  They gave me an IV to restore my fluids and loaded me onto the ambulance.  

     I used to hate shots.  Then, I got my blood-work done and shots weren't so bad.  I'm pretty sure I would take 50 shots over an IV in my arm.  I'll spare you the details, but I will say that my sweatshirt is covered in blood on the right side because the IV came out...

     At the hospital, they continued to give me fluids and potassium.  I guess all my electrolytes were really low, but my potassium especially.  I was released around noon and thankfully had a friend who was able to come pick me up-- me, in my bloody sweatshirt, pajamas and fuzzy socks :)

     I felt a lot better yesterday afternoon, but was really really tired and had a headache.  Today, after 10 hours of sleep and a 45 min. nap at 10, I still feel exhausted and sleepy.  My head still hurts a little too.  And I haven't eaten anything yet today because nothing sounds too appetizing.  

     Overall though, I'm just really frustrated.  I feel so much better, but am now allowed to run today.  I've been making so much progress that this setback is really really driving me crazy.  I'm also upset because I feel better so I feel like I should be pushing myself and I should be doing my hard workout today like usual.  While I'm not completely well, I'm not as sick as I was, so I feel guilty just sitting around and wasting time.  I hate it!  

     Perhaps this is another lesson in patience.  After all, I was telling a friend yesterday how I'm trying to remind myself that God is in control.  I wish I had that clear of a focus today.  Yet, I do know that there has not once been a time in my life when my plans were better than God's.  After the fact, I can always look back and see how God has brought so much blessing out of what I deemed "bad."  This is no different, right?  It's just really hard to view it that way when I'm in the middle of it.  It's especially hard since I was feeling on top of the world after a great workout Friday, my first race on Saturday that my dad and brother came to and a good long run on Sunday.  Now I just feel like a lazy, weak sickling.      But even as I write that, I'm reminded how God has been teaching me about my true identity.  It doesn't change, not based on anything.  If I run great one day and bad the next, that doesn't make me a "superb athlete" and then "not a real runner."  If I get good grades, that doesn't make me "worthy" just like doing something wrong doesn't make me a "failure."  I am always, 100 percent of the time: a child of God who is redeemed and made righteous.  I am defined by Him and not by the ever changing circumstances of this world.  

     This has been quite a random stream of my thoughts, but that's what you get when I'm writing while recovering from the flu.  However, I hope this has been encouraging for you as it has been for me.  Remember, God IS in control and He defines not only the circumstances but He defines who you are.  If you are going through something difficult, I advise you to write it down.  Journal it or write about it in a blog.  That way, when God does come through as sovereign and awesome, you will have the story to go along with it.  Have a great Tuesday!