Torpedo Man

A lot of people seem not to know who the Awesome Threesome are; several people have asked whether it's one of those movies I keep locked in the den. No.

Well, actually that is the name of a movie locked in my den, but that's beside the point. The Awesome Threesome to whom I am referring herein are robotic enemies of Aquaman, who had a total of two appearances, one on the Filmation cartoon and one in the Aquaman comic book.

Now, two appearances may not seem like enough to warrant clixification, even custom-clixification. But remember, this is Aquaman we're talking about...

Remember, a villain is automatically an "old foe" of Aquaman the very first time he fights them; just ask Cutlass Charlie, Sea Thief, and Shark Norton. That's because, as previously discussed, almost no one ever fights Aquaman twice. The few who do automatically become Top Aquaman Villains (along with Black Manta, Ocean Master, Pomoxis, the Human Flying Fish, and the CW Network).

You might still be surprised that in my poll on "Of which characters should I have custom Heroclix made?", I listed the Awesome Threesome as a choice. Well, there are three reasons:

1. They are "Awesome". Duh.
2. There are three of them. Aquaman needs all the enemies he can get.
3. The leader of the Awesome Threesome is the Torpedo, who is awesomeness squared.

Before we get to The Glory That Is The Torpedo, let's pick up our copies of Aquaman 36 (DEC '67) and take a look at the other two people--

guys?--
okay, then...
members

of the Awesome Threesome: Magneto and Claw.

I assume, by the way, that that's pronounced "Magnetto" as in "rhymes with Armaghetto". I mean, how else would you say it: "Magneeto"? Jeez, how stupid would that sound?

As far anyone knows, Magnet(t)o and Claw are robots. Since neither of them has ever gotten any speaking lines (let alone something like, "You know, it's kind of hot in this suit!"), I assume they are robots. Judge for yourself:



"Bizz buzz"? "Klik klang"? Okay, you just know these two were inseparable at Robot School. I can picture them now, dipping VICI's pigtails in the grease well, then blaming it on some poor sap, like Tin or Lead, until that little brown-noser, Twiki, ratted on them.

Magneto and Claw are your basic brainless bullies, but Torpedo... well! He's something else.

What exactly he is, I don't know; it's not certain whether he's a robot or not. He's described once or twice as Torpedo-Man. Man or not, the first time I saw this guy it was love at first sight...


Just something about his look I find ... irresistible.


Sometimes, when a guy as attractive as the Torpedo starts talking, it ruins everything. But Torpedo is even more eloquent than he is attractive!

Yeah, that's how I felt about Peter David's run, too.

Gee, Torpedo; based on that first word balloon,
you're already in the middle of the exposition, if ya know what I mean.

I swear by Neptune, if I ever hear a man seriously say,
"Slice and rend it!" in my presence,
I shall declare him my soulmate for life.

So, what's the most annoying thing about fighting Aquaman? The dang fish, of course. Whenever a picture needs hung or a light bulb changed, Aquaman calls out the Hammerhead Shark and the Octopus. Oh, and the Whale; just on principle, there's always a whale.

Occasionally, there are bit parts for swordfish or flying fish (which are strangely ubiquitous in Aquaman's ocean), but usually it's the darned Whale, Octopus, and Shark. Most villians never get to touch Aquaman, because they're getting their butts handed to them by the Whale, the Octopus, and the Shark.

In Aquaman 36, what's the first thing Torpedo does?

Very smart guy. Robot? Six-foot marital aid? Whatever he is.


Not only is he smart, he's efficient and goal-oriented; that's always very hot in a guy (or, for that matter, in a robot or six-foot martial aid).



And you know darned well that any being who can say, "Continue to enjoy your weightless state -- or be destroyed!", could improvise the most beautiful love poetry!

Torpedo has four slaves in his thrall:
Magneto, Claw, the English language, and me.

But wait, what's this? Oh, no! Say it isn't so! It turns out that Torpedo has a fatal flaw:

Darn! Oh, well. Neither Aqualad nor I should be surprised, I guess;
guys like that are always on the bottom.

The Greatest Villain Never Seen

Who's the most intriguing villain in the DC universe?

It seems like a tough call, in a world full of deformed psychokillers, mad scientists, and giant purple mind-controlling starfish from outer space. But I know who gets my vote:



Gypo-Bax.


Don't beat yourself up if you don't know who Gypo-Bax is. After all, he never got a Mego, never showed up in a crossover cameo, never even got mentioned in the DC Encyclopedia. In fact, we've never seen Gypo-Bax, we have no background information about Who He Is and How He Came To Be, and we have no knowledge of anything he has ever done.

We just know one thing about Gypo-Bax:


He's as evil as Sinestro.


Or even more evil.


Remember, the whole Green Lantern story is kind of a high school sitcom. Hal Jordan is an annoyingly macho brain-dead jock-type and Sinestro is his Reggie Von Mantle, who participates in annual Evil Popularity Contests. I mean, look at Sinestro:

You just know they called this guy "Screech" in high school; that's why he became evil and changed his named to Sinestro. But the only people he beats out in the popularity contest are the foreign students, Gny-Gryngg, Borbrydi, and Karo-Thynn. Sinestro may surely be evil, but he gets outwitted regularly by Hal Jordan, a man so dim he wears only loafers and boots because knots are so confusing.

Poor Sinestro; Gypo-Bax kicks his butt two years in a row.

Yes, as ridiculous as the Qwardian evil popularity contest was the first time they used it in a Green Lantern story, they used it again, compounding the absurdity. But it leaves a gaping hole in the Green Lantern tapestry...

Who is Gypo-Bax? What does he do that's so evil? Do Qwardian children see Gypo-Bax's face on their box of Meanies, the breakfast of evil champions? Does he dislike Hostess Fruit Pies with Real Fruit Filling? Is he the former DMV director on Oa?

Was/is Gypo-Bax actually more evil than Sinestro or just a lot more successful at it? And now that Sinestro is like Bill Gates, all powerful and able to make people work for him at Microsoft/The Sinestro Corps, does he take any revenge on Gypo-Bax? Does he send evil bug-people with tiny rings to eat G-B from the inside out? Does an aged Gypo-Bax, now in a wheelchair at the Old Evil Folks Home, get a invitation to the Corps, exult for a minute in his regained vitality and newfound power, only to have Sinestro show up and shout "PSYCH!" and snatch the ring back? Now THAT would be evil.

Come on, Geoff Johns. How can you pass up this opportunity?

Zods and Zodesses

I don't care what they say: I'm enjoying the Richard Donner/Geoff Johns "General Zod" storyline in Action Comics.


Or, as I like to call it, Attack of the Phantom Space Bagel Brigade.

As longtime readers may remember, I'm no fan of Richard Donner's Superman films or the Zod mythos. So I have zero prejudice in favor of the current Action storyline; if anything, I'm prejudiced against it.

Riddle me this:
How do you get out of being imprisoned in a Phantom Space Bagel?


Answer:
Remove the lox.

But I like it nonetheless. For one thing, the art is beautiful. Adam Kubert's backgrounds, structural details and sense of layout arrests my attention, and I'm not usually moved to comment on the art in comics.

Second, I'm enjoying the pacing, which seems a clip faster than what passes as plot progression nowadays. For my taste, too many comic books today read like time-lapse photography done by court sketch-artists.

Third, the story is entertainingly silveresque. "Lost relative" of Superman shows up on Earth, causing secret identity shenanigans? Hoaxes planned by string-pulling Phantom Zone criminals? Byzantine plan to take over the earth for no particular reason? Odds are even some colored kryptonite turns up before the story's over.

Still, it's got some surprises (to me): Zod and the Zodites have been given a more complex and layered background. Sure, some of its a stretch, but anything involving Krypton is a stretch, folks. And just when I was saying, "Oh, okay, here's where Superman is temporarily defeated by the three bad guys, and then will come back later and trick them into the Phantom Zone," something rather astonishingly and frighteningly different happens. Love that.

One thing, though, does leave me puzzled, which is the Kryptonian sense of design. Structures based on crystal generation? Iris-patterned prisoners? For people supposedly so divorced from nature and the environment, their design sense seems to be rooted firmly in natural phenomena as opposed to abstract geometrics... . Do you think they have the Athramites do all their decorating?

Ali's Health Club for the Soul

This is a villain we need to bring back:

ALI.

Behold the face of evil.
Well ... the upper face of evil.

First of all, he's an Arab. Once upon a time, Arabs were mostly employed as literary Ethnic Comic Relief or Monster Fodder. You know; the shaky guy whom the Mummy attacks after he's killed the Unnamed Watchman. In Wolf-Man movies, the role goes to a Cockney or a Scot; in Vampire movies it's the Bulgarian toady; in American movies, it's the Black Guy.

Anyway, nowadays Arabs aren't attacked by movie monsters, they are movie monsters. People are afraid of Arabs (or anything remotely like them), so it's a perfect time to capitalize on that fear by bringing back Ali (and this guy, but that's another story).

Second, he preys only on the rich. Now, the fact is, most crime is poor-on-poor violence. But, face it, that's just not sexy. Mr. X snatches Mrs. Y's purse and gets away with ten dollars, two credit cards, a hairbrush, and a lipstick. Yawn; I can read the paper for that.

What I can't read in the paper is Prof. Byzantine's plans to use trained water fowl to halt traffic on Seventh Avenue while his men, disguished as Shriners, fake an outbreak of Legionnaires disease at the Zilvervissen Arms, providing him with the 15 second distraction he needs to replace the Reade Ruby with a paste substitute during the gem exhibit transfer at the Afval Museum. For that, I need to read comics.

Ali preys only on the rich. The filthy rich. Who tread poolside gravelpaths made of the crushed spirits of the myriad myrmidons they have enslaved. Who don't even have the decency to stay in their peacock-lousy penthouses, but must flaunt their superior station by "slumming", as they sashay down filthy darkened alleys wearing their white ties and pearls. Pearls! They're just asking for it.

Ali will punish them.

For their sins.

Oh, the comic book irony.

Long before john Doe in "Seven".

"Why me? Because it is my life's work."

Long before John Cramer in "Saw".

"Punishing you for your sins is my business, Mr. Rockley."

Long before Pinhead in "Hellraiser".

"I understand; I am a colletor myself ... of millionaires."

But not before the Spectre, of course.

Bruce Wayne, master of the witty comeback.
Nice suit, though.

Sure, Ali is evil. Sure, he's collecting millionaires for a profit. But he steals from them with delicious comic book irony. He replaces his victims with his own men (because we all know how easy disguise is in the Golden Age), who reverse the sinful behavior of the captives, all to Ali's benefit.

In fact, when the millionaires are rescued, their captivity has opened their eyes to their sins, and they each pledge to turn over a new leaf. Except Bruce Wayne, who's a hopeless layabout.

But even Bruce Wayne is changed, and learns to punish sin "the Ali way".

Long before there was Frank Miller in "ASBARTBW"... .

Just kidding! That was the substitute Bruce Wayne. Not that Dick ever suspected that, of course. It was the Golden Age.

The real Bruce Wayne (as Batman) does catch Ali-fever, however. When he captures Ali, he and his young sidekick laughingly torture him until he's nothing but skin and bones.

"This'll inspire the boys at Gitmo, eh, Robin?"
"And how!"

Bring Ali back, DC. A thin, bitter, Ali bent on revenge, and wearing that same saggy, Moroccan waiter's outfit.

And send him ... to Star City.

The Joker, On Style

"Hmm! And that gives me a tremendous idea -- an idea that only the Joker could think of! Ha ha! Slapsy, go out and get me some baking dough, a picture frame, some firecrackers, and some barrels of red paint!"
The Joker, "The Wizard of Words"

He is the ultimate villain...in so many ways! But by far his greatest virture as a villain is his style: the clothes, the clues, the theme crimes, the joy he takes in his work. Other villains scheme painfully for years and ruin their lives just to have their revenge on one person (that reminds me, must visit Animal-Master in prison). But for the Joker, a stick of chewing gum or discarded soda bottle will inspire a series of heists that net him millions of dollars, force Batman to wear a French maid's costume while spanking Robin with a hairbrush, and increase tooth decay in Gotham by 12 percent.

In the hands of a regular criminal, even the robbery of Fort Knox can seem quotidian. In the hands of the Joker, the robbery of hot dog stand can become a work of art.

All because of style!

The Animal-Master, On Purpose

Drab little peons, staggering mindlessly to your next task, like mechanical drones! Oh, sorry; ahem, I had a wad of villainly caught in my throat.

Ah, that's better. Still the point remains valid: a life without purpose is a life without meaning. But who knows that better than villains? Such as "the Animal-Master", a criminal lion-tamer whom Aquaman unknowingly strands on a desert island during his getaway...

"I must live ... to revenge myself on Aquaman! ... How long must I suffer from thirst, hunger, and the burning sun? B-but I must hang on so that I can have vengeance! I must destroy Aquaman for what he did to me! I-I made it! You hear me Aquaman? I made it! I-I don't know how or when...but I'll g-get my revenge! You'll pay for ruining my plans!"

The Animal-Master, "Aquaman Duels the Animal-Master", Adventure 261, June 1959

Regular saps find staying alive enough of a reason to stay alive (certainly when we're stranded on desert islands). The Animal-Master finds a greater purpose.

Escaping from the island? No, he stays there a whole year, although when he finally throw out a message in a bottle he's rescued in a week (Aquaman's fish buds look for stuff like that).

Opening a moneymaking wildlife preserve? No, even though he's found and could therefore claim ownership of an island where leopards, lions, elephants, water buffalo, and (since this is DC) gorillas live.

Overcoming, through steady practice, what is obviously a severe stuttering problem? N-no!

DESTROYING AQUAMAN.

As you might have guessed, that didn't work out. So what do you think the Animal-Master says as (I kid you not) a school of flying-fish carry him off to prison in a fishing net?

"I-I'll get you for this, Aquaman! Some day, after I finish my prison sentence, I'll have my revenge!"

Kanjar Ro, on Humility

Despite their Confidence, most true villains are pretty darned humble, so humble that it gives me a special glow all over. Take, for example, the original bug-eyed bandit, Kanjar Ro:

"Ah! My super-brain now understands all the mysteries of nature and the universe!"
Kanjar Ro, "Decoy Missions of the Justice League!"

Okay, Kanjar Ro may not sound particularly humble. But consider: a guy from some distant planet suddenly acquires an understanding of all the mysteries of nature and the universe. Which is a lot. Yet instead of using those powers to end suffering on a thousand planets, earning the grateful devotion and love of every sentient being he encounters, and making himself the most exalted creature that ever lived, Kanjar Ro chooses immediately to humble himself by 'sailing' to Earth in his moronic-looking cosmic boat to have his hiney whooped by the Justice League.

The more impressive and powerful you are the more important it is to be humble; but, of course, that's one of the mysteries of nature and the universe that Kanjar Ro understands!

Black Adam, on Confidence

"At last, I've reached Earth, after flying for 5000 years from the farthest star, where I was banished by old Shazam! The world is certainly different today than what it was when last I knew it! But I will conquer and rule it!"
Black Adam, "The Might Marvels Join Forces!"

Wow! Even though you have the power to level mountains, and an old guy in a dress and sandals poofed you off to a distant star. Even though you're entering the world that harnessed the power of the atom and your idea of technology is the inclined plane. Even though you are so naive that you are about to be defeated by Uncle Dudley, perhaps comicdom's most death-deserving buffoon (not counting Stan Lee).

Still, your third sentence after arriving on Earth is: "But I will conquer and rule it!"

*sniff* If we all had that kind of confidence, think what a world this would be!

The Icicle, on Logic

"The trouble with being a super-criminal has always been the fact that the Justice Society...or... the Justice League...always catches us!"
The Icicle, "Crisis on Earth-One!"

You wouldn't ordinarily think of the fairly colorless Icicle as an exemplar of, well, anything, let alone logic. But there's a reason he's a true villain, not just a thug with a freeze gun.

Through his superior reasoning abilities, he has hit upon the crux of the "super-criminal" problem. This is particularly impressive since it seems to have escaped the notice of all his colleagues....

Chronos, on Fairness

"Guard yourself, Batman! My time numerals will shock you senseless if they touch you!"
Chronos, "Crisis on Earth-One!"

Okay, circumstances pit you against Batman. Batman, the one-man thwarting machine for whom the word "outwit" was invented. Batman, who once made a telegraph out of some loose change and a glass of saltwater. Batman, who mastered every known science and discipline, honed his body to peak physical perfection, and became an unparalled martial artist and the world's greatest detective in precisely TWO panels.

You, fortunately, have one of those surreal silver age devices that can fry his great brain, gelatinize his olympic-level musculature, and leave him a twitching lab frog to be prodded for your amusement.

Any simple crook would just use the device. But it takes a villain to warn Batman before doing so. That's fairness!

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

I don't have the strength yet to tackle the mythic structures and archtypes underlying rogues' galleries. Yet.

But, during the wonderful renaissance of Hawkman's rogues' gallery that's now going on, just reflect on this: a LOT of his villains are "guys ya can't hit". Jim Craddock, the Gentleman Ghost. Anton Lamont, the Fadeaway Man. Carl Sands, the Shadow Thief.

And when your hero's main battle tactic is hitting people with a mace, that's pretty clever.

And, for Hawkman, really annoying. Hawkgirl, however, has (slightly) less testosteorone than he does, so she doesn't seem quite so peeved about it.

Oh, a shout out to you fellow Heroclix nerds out there... I'm pretty good at "power exegesis", explaining why certain figures have certain powers on their dials. But if there's a good explanation why Hawkgirl has OUTWIT on her dial, I'm still waiting to hear it...!