College Days: The Justice League

 Did the Justice Leaguers go to college?

Villains almost always go to college. And Marvel heroes, but I don't make much distinction between the two groups.

When I say "Leaguers", I am speaking of, you know, the real original Leaguers

The ones who will their clothes off whenever they feel a funny tingling sensation.  Just in case.

Because who really cares about the likes of the Mighty Bruce or the Yazz?  I mean Barry, Arthur, Clark, Ollie (almost original), Hal, Bruce, Diana, and J'onn; did they go to college?

One time when I dared raise the issue of the class and educational status of superheroes, it burned down the internet. Fortunately, nowadays no one reads blogs so I feel safe(r). So, this next series of posts will examine this question for each of these iconic heroes.  And Ollie.

Things That Made Me Happy...

...in my comics this week.

Much to my surprise this week, I bought five DC comics and actually liked them.

Even BEFORE Dan DiDio was fired.

Matt Fraction's Jimmy Olsen was its delightfully, deepeningly insane self again.  This is not only a great way to write Jimmy Olsen, it's the ONLY way to write Jimmy Olsen. 

If you don't think that's funny, you don't deserve to read comic books.

This week's Aquaman gave us an ailing Mera, squabbling Atlanteans, a new explanation for someone's powers -- all of that's pretty standard BUT we got a baby out of it, so I approve.

"We'll name her... Aqua5G."

I thought the whole "Mera's pregnant/will she miscarry?! Stay tuned, same Aqua-channel!" thing would go on forever as an 'arc'.  But it just... happened. Like things used to happen in normal comic books.  That made me happy.


Meanwhile, in Gotham, things aren't going well because, well, that's how you know it's Gotham.  Bruce is rebuilding Gotham without, apparently, telling anyone what it will look like (which is hilariously unrealistic to me, a Washingtonian); Alfred is still dead again; and Gotham's non-united underworld (Joker, Penguin, Riddler, Catwoman, and, I hope at some point, Two-Face) are caught up in some ancient plot they once had which is starting to blow up in their faces and it has something to do with this guy:

Not certain; pretty sure he fought the Doom Patrol, though.

This is "The Designer" *snicker*, who apparently got caught flat-flooted by a last-minute invitation to the Villain Cotillion and had to cobble together a costume by breaking into the prop room at the community theater.  

JUST to hammer home the Doom Patrol joke, you understand.

Now, any well-read Batman fan will realize this is just a combination of Alan Grant's "Destroyer" storyline from 1992 and the Mike W. Barr's "Paul Sloane" storyline from 1987. But 20+ years is enough time passing to make a redux acceptable. Is this story so far any good? Probably not, but at least it's good FUN.  And it acknowledges that Catwoman used to be a MAJOR VILLAIN, rather than just Batman's moll. That made me happy. 

By the way, DC: stop "de-clawing' all the DCU's greatest female villains (e.g. Catwoman, Harley Quin, Poison Ivy) to make them into faux-edgy anti-heroes.  It's both tedious and sexist.

Meanwhile, in Justice League, Robert Venditti effortlessly accomplishes the sine qua non for any JLA story (which most JLA stories sorely lack): a credible threat that makes sense based on the existing universe.  The Eradicator backed by lead-immune Daxamites wants to use them to make Earth the new Krypton by eradicating humans. That's simple, clear, sensible (in a supervillain way) and an unquestionably JL-level threat.  

Polite Superman is the best Superman.

Flash not being honest with his teammates about his current power issues is stupid and out of character, but, um, somehow Dan DiDio is to blame, so I'll overlook it for now.

Speaking of Dan DiDio being to blame, this issue of Brian Bendis's Legion of Super-Heroes was... not completely incomprehensible.  That's an improvement. That made me happy.  Sure, the Interlac is still more comprehensible than everything else but Bendis is laying a fairly solid foundation that his successors (may they come soon) can built on top so that we can ignore his work. I'm all for that.  

Perhaps Bendis should be barred from English and confined to Interlac.

Seriously, while Bendis's dialog remains superhumanly annoying, the plot elements seem solid. Origins for each of the three Legion founders, origin of the Legion, an RJ Brande who doesn't look like the Monopoly guy; all this will work going forward. When someone else is writing Legion.  What he's doing will need to be done better later by someone else, but it won't need to be UN-done.  

Except for Rose/Thorn. That's just silly.

The Fate of ...GLOAT-FACE

Naturally, the story ends with the real Leaguers beating the crap out of the fake Leaguers (the disguised Livergoons). Be grateful I'm skipping the two-page spread that's wasted on that particular fight.

Maybe the Livergoons impersonating the Leaguers isn't so ridiculous, 

given that they all speak in the same annoyingly repetitive way. 

And Superman returns from space to track down the no-so-dead-after-all Tattoed Man.  Turns out the Headmaster just put him into suspended animation and hoped the M.E. didn't have time to gut him that day.  

If you won't kill because it's 'nasty', 

then supervillain may not be the best profession for you, H.M.

This gives writer O'Neil another opportunity to try to use the familiar conventions of the Silver Age while simultaneously deriding them as stupid. 

Um...you pretty much NEVER punch regular humans in the jaw, Superman. 

And with good reason.  It would be nasty.

And, while capturing Headmaster, Green Arrow says something stupid. I mean, stupid even for Green Arrow.

1. Ray, they aren't king-size; you are tiny.  You're not fooling anyone but yourself.  
2. No human being has ever said "gloat-face".  Wait...isn't that a Green Arrow villain?
3. Batman: "Your thing, Ollie?  You mean, get pwned by some goons and captured like a noob sidekick? Sure, Ollie, knock yourself out! It'll save them the trouble."

So, the Headmaster and the Livergoons are defeated and captured, Superman's back from his space-cation, and Ollie is cleared of (these) murder charges. There's nothing...

Wait.

Editor's Note: Charlie Sneed working in a pretzel factory is supposed to be funny.

What about the opening scene, the gripping one with the paper airplane, thrown out a barred window by someone claiming Green Arrow was going to kill them?!?!?!  What does that have to do with the plot?

Nothing.  At all.

"PLEASE let me be something other than Green Arrow! ANYTHING!"

It was just a bunch of kids, playing in an abandoned barred-window room at the top of a skyscraper (as kids do), which apparently the police never investigated after Charlie took them the first note.  


With stories like this immediately preceding it, no WONDER people manage to have fond memories of the Satellite Era that followed.

I've gone ARROW-SHOOTING WILD!

Meanwhile, back at the Atom's undercarriage, we discover...

that the court order that banished Superman from earth until Green Arrow could be caught by the authorities was requested by.someone named ...Cabeza Maestro. Which none of the Justice Leagues realized was "Head Master";

Once again, the answer to the League's problems is Vibe.

and that Headmaster, who I thought so cleverly was delaying the execution of the Leaguers so that their corpses would be fresh, as part of his plot to frame them and then get elected dictator for killing them, actually just... forgot to kill them;

I told you the bomb was a lie.  I bet he promised the Livergoons cake afterwards, too.

And that a Livergoon can't even stop talking enough to take the opportunity to kill three Leaguers, because he's too busy talking about how boring talking is;

"Quickly, GA! Use your mighty Martian-breath! Oh, wait....right."

and that the Atom's mighty undercarriage is strong enough to stop a bullet;

That's... is it wrong of me to think that's kind of hot? I don't care, it's what the internet is for.

and that the Atom's ingenious plan for not-exploding the bomb is, in fact, to let the bomb explode.

Avoiding collateral damage is not the highest of Atom's priorities. Or even 'one of them'.

Adding "exploding villagers" to the 1001 Ways to Defeat Green Arrow.  Fortunately for the villagers, THERE IS NO BOMB and the bomb is a lie.  Not that Ray cares.  Ray's all, "Exploded villagers, whatever, that's not carnage, I live with Jean Loring, I know what real carnage is."

Anyway, Atom knocks out Ringo, and Ollie, Bruce, and Barry go off to tackle John, Paul, and George, who (disguised as Batman, Flash, and Green Arrow) are "rampaging" through the nearby village, provided that "rampaging" means "causing minor property damage."

Holy crow, they just CANNOT SHUT UP WITH THE STUPID THINGS.

You know, if I had a Livergoon with sufficient super-strength to bend a lamppost with his bare hands, disguising him as Batman would probably not be my first instinct.  Just saying.

Next... the (exceedingly  non-)thrilling ending!!!!

C is for Crumbiness

When we last left the JLA, the Flash was brrzzapped unconscious, Superman was banished off-planet by a court order, Green Arrow was captured by a quartet of british-biker-garbed Livergoons (who, despite their outfits, talk like the Bowery Boys, non-stop), and Batman (who beats the crap out of the Livergoons who capture GA, because he's Batman) has been ray-gunned into submission.   

 He's lying, by the way; 

because he's not only a villain he's a cheapskate, and lying is cheaper than bombs.

That (now revealed) villain, in case you don't recognize him from behind is none other than : 

THE HEADMASTER

We agree with you completely, Flash.

The Headmaster.  Another powerless, ugly, and idiotic JLA villain brought to you by Gardner Fox and Mike Sekowsky.  Actually his full name was "Headmaster Mind" in his original appearance four years before this, but by this point he seems to have lost his "Mind".  So to speak.

"Vanquisment" really is a word; I had to look it up to make sure.

His plan is to frame the captured heroes for crimes committed by costumed Livergoons and then dump the real heroes corpses nearby afterwards claiming to have killed them, which will then make him popular enough to be elected dictator.  

Yes, really.  

This plan took him four years of careful planning.  This is why you probably haven't heard of the Headmaster.  He's the in-universe equivalent of Zack Snyder, since his plans depend on making the world hate and mistrust DC's greatest heroes.

 That's a better grade than the writer gets, GA!

Add 'crumbiness' to the list of 1001 Ways to Defeat Green Arrow. One nice touch to this plan, though. It does give the villain a reason not to kill the heroes right away; he needs their corpses to be fresh for later, or the frame up won't work. I mean, at least, that's what I am deducing; he doesn't say that or anything because that would make too much sense.

Anyway, obviously the Headmaster's plan is *ahem* foolproof.  So what can possibly save them...!?!?!

Don't worry, because the one thing that can save them is currently flying to their rescue:

This is for you, Damian.  It's all for you.

THE ATOM'S UNDERCARRIAGE!

Green Arrow; Forgotten Man in an Increasingly Stupid JLA story

Meanwhile, in the shuttered planetarium where they've been sent by a disreputable Liverpudlian goon (Livergoon?), Barry decides the best thing to do is run around in total darkness at 1000 mph.

What could possibly go wrong?

See, this is how you can tell Barry is a superhero and you are not.  Because when you enter a pitch-black unfamiliar environment, your first instinct is not "must...break..sound barrier!"

Naturally, there's an electrified booby-trap that brrzzaps the Flash unconscious.  Batman, fully aware that it's a trap now, rushes right into to save Barry, and is attacked by a squad of Livergoons
WHO
WILL
NOT
SHUT
UP,
complaining about how Batman's NOT making jokes while beating the crap out of them.

Even worse, they make BATMAN start doing it.

If there were a potion to make me forget the English language in front of me while I read this, 

I would have not only drunk it, 

sed etiam magis poti requaererem.

Why is this happening? Remember, how in yesterday's post, the narration box was trying to be 'meta' and 'cool'?  [As if anything could ever been cooler or more meta than the very concept of narration boxes!]  Well, remember, this is 1969  DC (and Denny O'Neil in particular) is trying to drag its characters out of the goofy conventions of the Silver Age and into the Bronze Age, where everyone is 'hip'.  In this story, they are trying to have their cake and eat it, too: they are retaining the goofy conventions of the Silver Age (needlessly expository narration boxes, identically dressed goons, a terrible terrible villain who I won't spoil for you, pun-based battle-chatter, obviously traps, etc.) while being hip by 'lampshading' them to acknowledge they are stupid  And it fails fantastically.

Anyway, the unmentioned villain shows up and shoots Batman with a tranq dart from the shadows and an ominous "SOON MY REVENGE WILL BE COMPLETE!"

Later (earlier? simultaneous? it's completely unclear, actually), Atom and Superman are showing the police why they are wrong about Green Arrow because...the murder arrow is made of wood and not titanium, like GA's actual arrows are.  And then they are interrupted by...

Well, it's too ridiculous to type. I'll just show you:

It's Two-Face, isn't it? I mean, who else would think of that?

I agree completely with Superman and O'Neil: this is truly ridiculous.  Pointing that out, however, does not make is less so.

As Superman leaves the earth (where on earth does he go?  I mean "off ea--" oh, never mind), he uses those super-peepers of his to notice the Tattooed Man's corpse (at just that moment!) arising from the morgue and scaring the beejeezus out of poor Chuck Lumley:

Of course, Superman can't TELL anyone this because he's got to leave Earth and it's 1969 so he has no cellphone. In a real Superman story, he'd just burn a message into a sidewalk somewhere with his telescopic and heat vision.  I remember one time in the Silver Age, Superboy had to get a message to the Legion quickly, but he was stuck in class as Clark Kent, so he used his microscopic and heat vision together to burn a message into a penny and then threw it out the window fast enough to break the time barrier and land in the future.  Killing Rao alone knows how many people in its way.

Though proper use, there is very little heat vision cannot accomplish.

But this is a Justice League story and the only thing that makes JLA stories work is rendering all its god-like members incompetent. If you are a Marvel fan who likes imperfect heroes and hates DC's stupid godlike heroes for being too perfect and powerful...then "Justice League" is the comic book for you.

"Frustrated"? Hm, I think the word you are looking for is "moronic".

Next, the (pathetic) identity of our master villain revealed!

Green Arrow; Wanted, In His Stupid Face, Repeatedly.

So, even Green Arrow is bright enough to realize when you are a wanted man a big yellow jet labelled "ARROWPLANE" is ...non-ideal.  So he stashes it at public airfield, because Ollie's a millionaire of the people.  

But don't worry; he's STILL too good to sign autographs.

He's set upon and captured by a group of identically dressed goons who talk way way way too much, and, who because they don't watch the CW, are surprised that Ollie can fight.

I hate these people.  I hate how they look and how they talk and how much they talk.

I hate every word Denny O'Neil has ever written or even thought and possibly heard.

Truly, goons should be seen and not heard.

OMG SHUT UP!

Add 'citizens' to the list of 1001 Ways to Defeat Green Arrow.  Oh, speaking of "please shut up", note that the captions boxes from this era -- when writers like O'Neil were trying to be 'cool' and imitating Marvel -- are unbearably stupid (without conveying any necessary information):

Anyway, Bruce and Barry (who are, after all, the smart ones), go to the morgue and identify the corpse of the man who Green Arrow has been framed for killing: The Tattooed Man.  They don't identify him by just looking his face (and that stupid sailing cap that you KNOW they left on his corpse) and saying, "Oh, that's Abel Tarrant, the Tattooed Man, who we see every time the JLA has to briefly take on a battle-line of recognizable but disposable villains!"

Always remember: there's regular logic...and then there's BAT-logic.

No, they DEDUCE it's the Tattooed Man because of the tattoo removal scars on his arms.  Because they DETECTIVES, meng.  They HAVE to be. They're the smart ones, so they have to solve this case through their detectiving.  It's not like someone is just going to walk up to them and...

Jeez, Barry; buy a Crime File, why dontcha? Or just call T.M. Maple.

Oh. Well, then. THERE's a lucky break. A tip.

And from such a clearly honest and reliable source, too.

Well, that's a face only Dr. Mid-Nite could trust. So, instead of, say, calling the cops (because heroes simply don't DO that), Batman and Flash show up at an abandoned planetarium after nightfall based on an anonymous tip given by a self-confessed underworld underling in British biker drag.  What could possibly go wrong...?

Leaguers may be stupid but they are always punctual.

Green Arrow, Wanted Man

While we're waiting for the cinematic dawn of justice to bring some sunlight to the gloomy films of the Snyderverse, let's recall just how stupid the Justice League can be with a look at JLA Vol 1 #69.

"You have failed this city!"

Our story opens...

I was kind of hoping that paper airplane was headed right down his throat, 

choking him to death in broad daylight as the beginning of a grim and gritty comeback for Kite-Man.  Ah, well.

Here, in a Silver Age early example of decompressed storytelling, DC takes an entire silent page to have someone throw a paper airplane out a window.  Stupid? Wasteful? Maybe.  But you will never forget this page now.

Add "paper airplane" to the list of 1000 Ways to Defeat Green Arrow, please.

But DC loved these "Silver Age Set-Ups": odd, unlikely, covers or openings that left you achingly curious and unable not to buy/continue reading.  "Why is Batman holding up a gorilla?"  Well, child, you'll have to buy the comic to find out, or wait until the internet is invented.

"Would"? \Hey, letterer, I think you misspelled "could".

Ah, the subtlety of the Silver Age; Average Schmoes were always given demeaning names like "Charlie Sneed".  I guess in a world where your god-like heroes are named Bruce, Clark, Oliver, and Bartholomew you have to go extra far to designate someone as a regular joe.

Meanwhile, a corpse is found elsewhere in this unnamed city by members of the Dr. Occult Fan Club....

Look, not even Ollie is stupid enough to leave behind his hat like that. And "not even Ollie is stupid enough" is NOT a phrase I use lightly.

When this news goes public, Charlie Sneed, unencumbered by gum, snaps into action!

Flash Fact: 60% of wives on Earth-1 are named "Martha".

Diana Prince, out of costume, reports this turn of events to the JLA, who respond with characteristic serialocution:

Bruce and Barry were always the smart ones.  But Clark is very pretty.

I love the fact that this panel implies that Diana waltzed into JLA HQ and tells some winding tale about the people's case against Green Arrow BEFORE anyone hits her with a batarang/heat vision/ boxing glove arrow/teeny tiny fist or asks how she got in.  By the way, this is the beginning of Wonder Woman's "powerless period"--the mod boutique, the white pantsuit, the hate-hate relationship with I Ching. 

After delivering her astonishing news ("Green Arrow is wanted!  Whooda thunk it!?"), she takes a sabbatical from the League, to which Barry, a true comic book fanboy, reacts thus:

"As Aquaman has lost his wife Mera, 

and Green Lantern has lost Carol Ferris, 

so are the Days of Our Lives."

At that point, there is ZERO narrative basis for Barry's assumption that Superman might marry Wonder Woman; he's just shipping.  Barry's a longtime fanboy who's concerned about changing continuity and how it means he getting old and will be dead in the not too distant for future.  Well, dead for 23 years, anyway.

This being comics, the cops are slower than even a de-powered Diana, and finally issue an APB on GA after she leaves by means of a staccato rasp:

"Green Arrow? Kill someone?! Nonsense; this is DC, not the CW."

Dark Musings.  Staccato Rasp.  If you need to name your metal band, look no further than Silver Age narration boxes.  The League, who finally have an excuse to get rid of Green Arrow, make him leave quickly before they receive orders to arrest him, because they are loophole-loving vigilantes rather than actual cops.  Except for Barry, who's just lazy.

So, leaving JLA HQ, Ollie goes undercover...Green Arrow-style.

Never change, Ollie; never change.