A Lesson in Kindness and Resilience: Dealing With Loss After The Santa Barbara Tea Fire

While the rest of us are already being guided through our 2-minute circuit training routines at ToneUp, Mady scampers in several minutes late, surreptitiously hangs up her car keys, and heads straight for the treadmill.  As one of the few regulars, Mady is consistently greeted with the warmth and humor that she herself exudes.

One morning, then two, Mady wasn't at the gym.  Word was out that maybe she lost her home in the Tea Fire.

Mady moved to Southern California in 1992 with her two teenage daughters in order to earn an advanced degree in spiritual psychology at the University of Santa Monica.  While she studied "healing on physical, mental, and emotional levels," she became deeply rooted in the Santa Barbara community where she chaired events for "people in trouble" at the Heartfelt Foundation.  This time of year you'd usually find Mady and some volunteers collecting donations and gifts, cooking for the homeless, or brightening senior lives with meals and entertainment.  

Mady's rental home became her sanctuary where she could appreciate the light, quiet, and lush landscape.  This is where she preferred to write chapters for her book in longhand.  This is where she housed her favorite shawls and belt collection.  Her garage was filled with boxes of memories--pictures, artwork, and journals by her and daughters Saskia and Stephanie.

Yet Mady was distant from extended family still living in Australia.  Often she felt alone and unsure of where she fit in.  She wondered if she mattered to other people.

Now Mady shakes her head in disbelief as she reminisces how fast the Tea Fire approached and destroyed her home.  Luckily, she reflects, she saved her computer but her "mind blanked out"--just about everything she'd normally rescue was wiped out by the immediacy of the situation.

She urges others to create a prioritized list (including location) of cherished  keepsakes and vital records in the event of a disaster.

Mady and daughter Stephanie were left homeless with few possessions between them.  But typical of Mady, she looks back on this loss reflectively.  She views the fire as a "blessing in disguise."

People have reached out to her in so many ways--with cards, email, money, household goods, and clothes.  Above all, she's felt the love and support from people she didn't even know prior to the fire.

She's learned to accept the gifts without feeling obliged that she has to give back and regards this act not only as part of her own recovery but also as a value to others who want to help but feel helpless.

She feels more of a connection with the present than ever before.  She knows she can't go back in time so she doesn't focus on what she's lost but rather on what she has now.

She realizes that there are limitations on her energy.  She now knows when to turn her energy inward even if her natural inclination is to assist others.

She's grateful that she's one of those people who doesn't overvalue material goods.

She's learned that the human spirit is resilient and can be renewed.

But most of all, Mady has learned that she is not alone.

Friends During The Holidays

Mom says that there should be friends and acquaintances in your life for every occasion. Some you want by your side when you're in crisis. Some provide great comic relief. Some will share the brutal truth about those extra bulges. Others can be counted on for vital statistics like what's number one at the box office this weekend (and accompany you to the movie!) or how many years OJ is being sentenced to prison (finally). Some can even talk politics or religion and not get too heated. Still others can teach or inform, maybe even provide a scrumptious recipe for a special event. And don't forget the ones who've known you the longest (and still like you!)--these ones you can reminisce with.

This holiday season I hope you celebrate all the different people in your life for what they bring to your life--diversity, humor, continuity, gratitude, and love.

Honey, Have You Made Any Friends?

I feel like I'm back in kindergarten.

We moved here about 5 years ago. Bob's occupied with his new career, selling cars, and I spend the bulk of my time working on a baby boomer/senior website. That leaves little time for cultivating new friends.

Aside from playing grandma to my pre-school dermatologist (age 4) and my toddler anesthesiologist (age 1), I've joined a leadership group. I meet monthly with Newcomers groups. I play Mahjong. I volunteer when I can. I've joined Toastmasters.

When Bob comes home, we discuss what we've done during the day. When he remembers that I've met up with some locals, he always asks (like mom used to do when I was 5), "Well, honey, did you meet any new friends?"

True friendships are hard for some of us to come by. Forming associations based on our professions or our kids and their extracurricular activities is no longer an option. Shared history obviously can't be created overnight. Old-timers already have their alliances and may have neither the desire nor energy for a new attachment. I can understand that.

I'm open to your suggestions. And I'm a quick study!