It really shouldn't take me by surprise that my baby boy is wanting to become a big boy. It seems like in everything he does he wants to do it himself, do things just like daddy, or imitate the big kids. And while I beam with pride when I watch him learn new things, I can't help but get a little sad inside knowing that he is becoming a little man and not my little baby boy. That's why yesterday my heart cried.
Since Brayden was brought home from the hospital we have read him a story and rocked him to "Jesus Loves Me." EVERY nap, EVERY bedtime. It's his routine, it's what we do. Even though he's not a very snuggly child, I've loved that time with him because usually he'll at least sit still for his song and I get to just brush his hair and kiss his head. Mommy moments for sure! But yesterday, something changed. He's been more squirmy lately during his wind down time, but I haven't really thought anything of it. And now that he knows the sign for sleep, he'll normally look for his blankie, find a paci, and sign sleep until we go to his room. Yesterday when I closed the blinds, turned on the noise machine and started reading, he would not sit still. He kept pointing to the crib and trying to say "dis" through his paci. So I thought I'd forego the story and just rock him. he wouldn't have it, and kept pointing to the crib. I put him in the crib (I wasn't going to fight him!), and he laid down, grabbed his blankies, and assumed his sleeping position (butt in the air, blankies tucked safely under his chest with his arms). I told him I loved him, closed the door, and for a second, I thought about crying. My baby just rejected my loving and wanted to just go straight to bed. What a pull of emotions. For the past 16 months we've sleep trained Brayden using BabyWise techniques, so I guess I should be excited that he now wants to go to sleep on his own and knows when it's time, but I still thought I'd at least get another year of rocking and story times. What a sudden reminder that my job is not to shelter my children or make them stay babies forever... my job is to help them grow up into responsible individuals. I suppose this is just the first change in that long journey.
