Humour

Good morning Byters.

A bit of humour from the days when George Dubbya was the US Pres, to start off the week...

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter to let him know he was still in the game.

He opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: "S370HSSV-0773H"

Bush was baffled, so he emailed it to Dick Cheney. Cheney and his advisors had no clue either, so they sent it to the Republican National Committee. They likewise couldn’t understand it.

Bush sent his to the CIA, which couldn't figure it out either.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help. MI6 cabled back:

"Tell the President that they are looking at the message upside down."

Humour

The Poms have had 36,000 people vote on 1,000 jokes to find the top 50, according to an article in the Daily Mail. You can read all top 50, which are mostly one liners, at:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1322475/Researchers-official-50-funniest-jokes-time.html

For those not minded to read them, here are the top 3, starting with number 3:

3. 'Dyslexic man walks into a bra...

2. 'I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.'

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

Now I don’t know about you but I didn’t find them exactly side splitting

Let me offer an alternative.

Some years ago Phillip Adams and Patrice Newell searched for the archetypal Australian joke.  Adams and Newell found that the jokes submitted were mostly rehashed Irish jokes etc. They later published them.

The joke they thought was the best Aussie joke, taking into account humour, language, setting etc was:

Two farmers are chatting. One says "I'm thinking of driving down to Sydney for a few weeks."

The other asks "What route are you taking?"

"I thought I'd take the missus," replies the first, "after all, she stuck with me through the drought."

Humour

Col and Frank were drovers who had come to town for a beer. At the bar, Col got into conversation with another man and said “So what do you do for a living?” The man replied “I’m a taxidermist. I stuff animals.”

“Do you stuff sheep?” Col asked.

“Yes.”

“Do you stuff kangaroos?”

“All the time.”

“What about dogs?”

“Yes, often.”

Later, Frank asked Col “What is he then?”

Col replied “He says he’s a taxi bloke but I reckon he’s a drover like us.”

Humour

Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees.

As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter’s tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into heaven.

The man explains, “In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn’t live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I’m not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn’t really come into this world in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavoury characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son.”

Jesus is awe-struck by the man’s story. He looks into the old man’s eyes and asks, “Father?”

The old man’s face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks “ Pinocchio?"

Humour

An athlete walks into the Olympic Stadium carrying a very long stick. The  doorman says “Ae you a pole vaulter?"  The athlete says "No, I am a German.  How did you know my name?"

Humour

Humour: Column 8

Column 8

An addition to those items posted a few days ago:

22 March 2010

"Nick Flowers beat me to it with his report of the Loose Women's Institute," laments Julian Mallett, of O'Connor, ACT (Column 8, last week). "But I'd like to inform you of another branch of that august organisation – in a town near where I used to live in Essex. The town's name? Ugley."

Humour: Heaven and Hell

An email from Leo...

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to Heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

Humour: Lauda

Caution:  Risque language..

Click on cartoon to enlarge.

Humour: Wedding Invitation

Clcik on image to enlarge.

(Thanks to Rosanne for sending this).