thoughts spread like wild fire
a fire you keep feeding to see how much it can grow
words pierce more than skin surface
but deep into your soul
your ego
when you lie stoned on your bed four in the morning
your brain burnt and
your body drowned
you send out a message to the universe
to hope you're not alone
truth is you know you're not alone
but a million alone individuals
do not make lonely go


---------------------------------------------
when you're tired but not sure what of
you become really scared of what's next

I really shouldn't be blogging, but where else do I turn to when I have a mountain pile of work to do and my mind wants to escape elsewhere?

I procrastinate too much- even writing here. We are second month into 2017 and here I am still quite struggling with the same problems. My thesis is nowhere near done but my graduation is. I cannot wait. I  C A N N O T  W A I T. Many job offers await me so who the fuck cares about getting them first class honours?

Not me, honestly. I am not even bitter at this point. My goal is to graduate and be able to start working straight.

This is also the first CNY without my mum. I told myself it's no big deal but I ended up crying the whole night of CNY eve missing you and Angel- I feel so silly. Called you the next day and found myself unable to articulate anything at all except pretending I was having a hell lot of fun eating and laughing without you. I am so silly.


Being with your family this CNY gave me a whole new meaning and feeling of family. Thank you for sharing yours with me, and keeping check that I never, at any point, will have to feel alone and un-loved as long as I have you. I am so damn fucking thankful, so don't ever leave me because I don't think I'll be able to hold the weight of my world on my own.

I stopped articulating my thoughts these days. Not just here, but just kinda stopped communicating through words. Sometimes actions really do speak louder than words, and speak more than words can- but I know that some point or another, I would always fall back to writing.

The fall in writings also came from a place of insecurity and feeling inadequate. Wishing I could be more poetic... not knowing if anything I write is worth for anyone to be reading... if anybody is reading this at all (which really shouldn't matter)

Half a year to graduation- I don't quite know how this should feel. Feeling is indeed foreign. Because if I can get through this graduation, I have much to be grateful for and people I owe with my life.

But I can't wait for life to truly begin.

What to do when your head hurts like a bitch, you missed two days of school on the first week and you have accumulated shit loads of homework just being sick for 2 days, and you have work two days over the weekend, even though you have a lot to prepare for school on Monday but still gotta work because if not where does money come from?

Some nights my emotions get the better of me and I can't sleep. I just can't sleep. Mummy do you know how much I miss you? Do you know how lonely I feel living alone? Do you know the pain I am going through, how helpless I feel when I fall sick and lay in bed because there's no one around to send water or food to my bedside? Do you know how much I want to hate you for being so selfish but I can't?

I keep asking myself what I did to deserve this life, to deserve anything that's happening to me? My nightmares won't stop coming.

I can't sleep.

I never knew this kind of lonely, but now I do. While I roll around in bed, I decided to switch on the radio, the tv and the desk lamp because light and sound are supposed to help me relieve the loneliness ain't it?

It doesn't get better. I hug the bolster tightly and bury my head in the pillow that lingers with your smell. I sing myself to sleep. Tomorrow will be one day closer to the next time I see you. It really isn't that far away, Ari, go to sleep..........

I have always thought of myself as a loner. I love my own personal space.

But maybe just not this much.

IamnotabandonedIamnotlonelyIhavepeoplewholovemesleepsleepsleepsleep.

Today marked the end of Year 2 in LASALLE. It has been an arduous year, I wouldn't lie about it and I probably died many times. But it has also ironically, been the year that has given me countless openings. Wouldn't go on listing them but I truly enjoyed the ride (as Gerald would often tell me to). It's been crazy, and I know I could have made it crazier, in a good way.

The one general thing across the board that my teachers are telling me basically is, don't be afraid to fail. Don't be afraid to make mistakes and don't be afraid to make a bold choice and step out of my comfort zone. I wish someone could help me, because I know of this problem but wanting to take a further step seems impossible, even with my conscious effort of wanting to change this habit. I wish someone could understand this dilemma I am facing- and that someone is facing the same issue as I am.

In truth I am lost and confused. When asked how hungry I am for my art, how much I am willing to sacrifice, and how far I am willing to go for my art- I am speechless. I do not have the confidence to answer. Because I don't know.

How much do I want this? Floating midair is really not serving me well. Is it always necessary to always want to be the best in order to succeed?

I feel so alone in this. It feels like everyone in class is extremely competitive, outwardly shown or not. It scares me that nobody is truly in this with me.

Yay to three months of summer break- no I am not gonna let loose. It is time to catch up and be ready for my grad year because I will fight for whatever's left. It is my last chance to prove myself, and to prove to myself.

Ari, why theatre?

"You can stay in my Comfort Zone for the time being where everything is safe. You don't have to worry about anything, ANYTHING that you're afraid of because they don't exist here."

because, who else would tolerate his girlfriend crying three times a day

who else would take on all my burden and carry it on his bare shoulders

who else would give me both the drumsticks of a chicken

who else would protect me from the world against everything and everybody else

It's been 13 months, and as each day passes, as our fights accumulate and my heart breaks, the more I cry, the fonder I am of your face, the more I crave to be in your arms, the stronger our love grows, the clearer I am that I can no longer live without you. Am I doomed?

I never knew I had so much capacity to love, until you.

that feeling when I lie in bed at 4am and tear because nose blocked, throat burns, head spins, everything hurts, and most evidently my body is shivering from the cold & I realized,

I'm all alone.

How is it I feel so empty without you? It's barely just one weekend of not seeing you + not able to contact you but I am feeling slightly lost and I can't wait to be back in your arms again. How you got the independent me so needy is still a mystery. I don't quite know how I became like this- is this what it feels like when you're madly in love?

I can't deal with myself. Ugh, come back already :'(

"We cling to music, to poems, to quotes, to writing, to art because we desperately do not want to be alone. We want to know we aren't going crazy and someone else out there knows exactly how you're feeling. We want someone to explain the things we can't."

Here I am back again, finally, and in time for the new year.

2015 has been the best year of my life, as far as I remember. I remember how terrible it started off, just exactly one year ago on Jan 1st 2015. I can't be more thankful things took a better turn. 12 months ago I would never have expected to feel how I am feeling right now.

In this one year- I stayed in my dream school doing what my passion craves for, I turned 21 and legal and basically it's nothing exciting besides realizing I am really a legit grown-up now damn shit got real, I forgave myself and people, I found new openings in my art, I travelled out of Asia (PERTH YAASS), I had my first ever real vday celebration and with that I found love.

//My soul is getting old. It is 12.54am only and I am exhausted. This post is to be continued.

-----------------------

2015 has been amazing, but I know 2016 holds so much more in store for me. I am excited, yet I am afraid. I know it will be an amazing year, I just know it. Especially when I know that somebody's got my back through it all.

There are some things that I don't tell anyone because I know the only people who can fully empathize with me is no one but myself. I am tired, and some days I feel absolutely useless. They are the days I wish I am smarter, fitter, more knowledgeable, more flexible. and a little more of everything, a little better at everything.

My classmates laugh at me teasingly when I stress my words wrongly, of course they mean no harm, they laugh only because I sound dumb. But I guess I am dumb. I don't know a lot of things. And I am not saying this in a manner of self-deprecation. I wish I could compliment myself too- but what to..?

I envy my classmates who can speak better American stage speech than me. I envy my classmates who can kick higher than me in Kalarippayattu. I envy my classmates who can do splits in ballet. I envy my classmates who can hit the notes in the Italian operas. I envy my classmates who knows all the famous actors/directors/thespians whom have ever existed in this world. I envy my classmates, a lot. I envy that they are all better than me.

There are some days I hit rock bottom and I don't call for help. Because I'm afraid to let people know I have fallen. I just want to quickly climb out and hope that nobody even realizes I've dropped in so that I can pretend nothing happened. There are some days that I wish I was not me.

That some days is today.

I can't wrap my head around this, there's so many thoughts going through my mind now and I just don't quite know how to string them up. Is it wrong to want the best for people? What's worth the price to pay, when your principles come into play? At which point does it become A NEED to fit in? Or is there any point you should feel the need to conform? Will people really accept who you are if you're different? How to survive in an industry that is not exactly your kind of people? What happens if you're neither halfway here nor there? Why do people make choices they know they are gonna regret? Why do people take promises so lightly? Why do people let their loved ones bear consequences for their actions? I can't get my head around these, am I still sane?

First trip together and I can't summarize everything into a single blog post except to say that it has been really amazing. Yes there were hiccups but I'm glad we overcame it. Short but really fulfilling trip, and is exactly what I needed before school madness sets in once again. Perth has been so breath-taking on so many levels and in so many ways & I've been loving every moment of it.



Thank you for holding my hand through this journey. These past 7 months haven't been easy but I see a future for us. I'm gonna miss going to sleep in your arms and waking up to see your sleepyface, but here's to more trips in the future! On a brighter note, we're gonna be schoolmates!!!!!!!


Happy 7th love, thank you for being one of the best things that has ever happened to me ♥

It's just not fair how you've been treating me and burning this friendship into ashes. I don't think I deserve this. I have my fair share of worries and responsibilities, and if only you can stand in my shoes and see how much I have to struggle through everyday. I am sorry I can't be there as and when you summon me, but I am an adult now and I have many commitments. Thought you would have understood better than most of my friends do.

Disappointed, and crushed. This is not how I want it to end up.

I still have a life to lead. I can't live wild and free; I have consequences to bear for every choice I make. I know I'm not fortunate like most kids- wouldn't lie and say that's okay (because it's not) but the only choice I have is to make the most out of what I have. If people choose to leave my life while I'm going through a tough time, I guess there's nothing I should do to stop them.

On a separate note, I don't know how I am ever gonna trust in love and marriage again. Men that I see in my life fail again and again, and with every failure my faith fades along with it.

& then what happens when I have nothing left to give?

Okay, so I haven't been here for more than a month. Which is weird, since I'm on holidays. But work work work and more work. I'm saving up for my Perth trip and I am moaaarrrr than exciteddddd~

So, before I know it, school's starting. I don't quite understand how time flies exceptionally fast when I'm not studying, uearghhh. (my promise to study did not quite happen, as expected.) My grades this year really ain't looking very good, but I should even thank god that I passed. I hope I survive year 2.

I seem to be saying the same things every post, which is why I stopped posting. Can't seem to channel anything much worth reading these days.

The past month has been slightly tough, some conflicts here and there but thank you for willing to stick through it all. It's been a really happy six months despite all the little hiccups, love. Falling in love was the easy bit, now we have to figure a way through life together and ensure that of all the things that will forsake us along the way, our love is not one of them.

"You can't choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you. 

I like my choices."                                                                                       (John Green)

Because why do people fuck up, even when they know they are taking a wrong step and doing the wrong things but they go ahead and do it anyway? I can't get my head around this.

"Are the choices you are making going to really make you happy now or happy eventually?"

People should really just stop fucking their lives up. This is why my faith in humanity is unfounded, and the fear to settle down for something and to trust anyone completely is so real.

“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.” -Bob Marley

Showtime in less than four days, I'm actually pretty darn nervous. Yeah I'm not playing the main lead, but every role has its function and its reason to be in the story and all I want to do is to deliver the story and message intended by the playwright well. Besides, taking on four supporting characters can be tougher to taking one lead role, contrary to popular belief. First school production, a surge of mixed feelings, really. The lack of budget and help we are given kills me, but at the same time its so nice to see everyone go through shit together as a team. In short, I'm just really excited.



Just so you know, I take pictures of you while you're sleeping too- in case you think you're the only ninja. I'll surprise you next time ;-) You don't complain when I spend my weekends in school then with my friends, and then I come over for a while because I left my house keys in school so I can't get home but really I do nothing but wear your clothes and sleep. You help my class paint our props because we are running low on time and budget, without wanting anything in return. You help me out with my birthday party preparation because I just have no time for anything at all. We aren't like other couples- we don't get to go out often and have exciting adventures, take loads of cutesy couple pictures, because the life of a student actor simply doesn't allow it but your company is more than sufficient for me. Thank you for accompanying me to watch shows (because really I wouldn't see you for an entire week if you didn't choose to come down to school to accompany me) and just being so accommodating through this tough period. You disturb my sleep on purpose, you hug me tight and don't allow me to go home, you whine like a big baby, you stroke my hair and you kiss me. & then I realized, I didn't need time to tell. You're the soul-mate I've been searching for.

"When is the next time I'll see you again?" melts my heart, every single time.

I feel heavily exhausted, and damaged.

This has got to be the toughest month. I don't go a few days without bawling my eyes out. It's ridiculous how weak I feel. I hate this feeling.

It's not just about professionalism. Fuck my insecurities, I know it's time to let go of all my emotional burden. If not now, then when? But truly easier said than done.

I've really got to learn to love myself before I could even love anybody else.

This is probably me for the whole of April. Coffee has always been my best companion, and more so than ever this month. It will help me survive, I know I can count on you buddy.

I am so sick of being sick of how things are. I am so tired of being tired. Mum, I wish you could just let me off. I wish you could understand what I'm going through. Because I'm really tired of fighting with you. I'm so tired of crying and bawling my eyes out. I am sick of complaining, or even thinking why these must happen, why you must behave like this. I just don't want to anymore. I see no point in any of these anymore. I am genuinely exhausted. Please, please, please just let me go.



I can't be more fucking thankful for the support from those who are currently holding me together in one piece. Because I know there's absolutely no way I can go through this alone. Especially to my sis, Gerald and Mario, I wouldn't trade anything else in the world for any of you.

"Who we are and who we need to be to survive are very different things."

April. The month I have a love-hate relationship with. The busiest month in the academic year and I'm just hoping I'll pull through.

Today after Acting class where we do scene work, Aubrey randomly told me, "Aricia you're a fantastic actor and I love seeing you act. Really darling, you gotta believe in yourself more and put yourself out there. I know you'll get up there and I can't wait." After which he gave me a really tight, genuine hug and I knew he really meant it.

Aubrey :''''''') It is teachers (especially extremely respected senior lecturers) like you that gives me hope and makes me want to refine my craft to my best ability. Thank you ♥ Your words meant so dearly to me and motivates me so much, I'll remember them.

I can't be more saddened about the passing of Singapore's founding father Mr Lee Kuan Yew. It doesn't help with the onslaught of social media tribute flooding. It's depressing beyond words because this is a man I have always looked up to throughout my life, through the rebellious teenage years and the lost years trying to find myself and my placing in a promising society like Singapore. His contributions to make Singapore who she is today is apparent to all Singaporeans, and even to others. But we shall grieve no more for we didn't lose a great leader, because his legacy lives on. I will not add on to the mourning on social media for he has passed away in peace and I believe, to a better place. There's always a time for everyone, and now it's the time for him to go. Sir, please rest in peace. It's because of you that I'm proud to call myself a patriot. A half-Taiwanese I may be by blood, but a true Singaporean I am by heart.