Saturday, November 30, 2024
WIZARD OF OZ NIGHTMARES
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Son Elliot suggested a Bytes about nightmare stories and injuries in the making of the 1939 film The Wizard of Oz, so here is a post about that, a reprint of an article from:
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15 Nightmare Stories From Behind The Scenes Of 'The Wizard of Oz'
Despite the lighthearted material, some of the stories from the set of The Wizard Of Oz are quite dark. For such a beloved, ostensibly whimsical film, the production of The Wizard of Oz was a never-ending carnival of misery for those who worked behind the scenes. Made in 1939, it's still widely appreciated by both children and adults in modern times. Still, there's a lot people don't know about the making of The Wizard of Oz. While some of the production details are relatively harmless, and at times even charming, you have to remember the movie was produced during the dark days of the old Hollywood studio system.
So, what makes The Wizard Of Oz behind-the-scenes stories so dark? Mix heavy drinking and depravity with a few unfortunate on-set catastrophes, add some early movie-making naivety, and divide among five different film directors. Of all behind-the-scenes movie stories, The Wizard Of Oz has some of the most bizarre and shocking. There's a lot more to worry about than lions and tigers and bears. The Pink Floyd sync up may be coincidence, but these stories truly show the dark side of the rainbow. Now, take a look at these Wizard of Oz facts and see for yourself just how treacherous filming was at times.
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Many Of The Actors Playing Munchkins Were Completely Unruly And Inappropriate
The Munchkin actors' antics on The Wizard of Oz were, frankly, bizarre. It's said they engaged in aggressively drunken behaviour, gambling, and group adult activities at the Culver Hotel where they were staying. On Tonight Starring Jack Paar in 1967, Judy Garland said, “They were little drunks … They got smashed every night, and they picked them up in butterfly nets.”
However, many of the actors who portrayed The Munchkins deny the claims. In 2009, Margaret Pellegrini, one of the actresses who played a female Munchkin, spoke to The Independent about the longtime rumours. “There were a lot of them who liked to go out and have a few drinks, but nothing got out of hand. Everyone was having a good time and enjoying themselves. There was no rowdiness or anything like that, and those stories are very upsetting.”
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Judy Garland Was Harassed And Treated Poorly
By many accounts, The Wizard Of Oz was both the beginning and end of Judy Garland's career. Actors in the 1930s were under contract to whatever studio they signed with, and many of them were systemically mistreated and overworked. Teenage actors were often given adrenaline shots to keep them awake, and barbiturates to help them sleep. Garland was no exception.
Garland was already taking pills before she was hired for Oz, but she began using them more frequently once on set. She was also given diet pills to slim down.
There were also reports she was also harassed by both Munchkin actors and studio executives. In his book Judy and I: My Life with Judy Garland, the actress's late husband Sid Luft stated about her co-stars:
They'd make Judy's life miserable on set by putting their hands under her dress … The men were 40 or more years old. They thought they could get away with anything because they were so small.
Behind the camera, Garland was allegedly called "the fat little pig with pigtails" by studio execs.
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The Wicked Witch Got Burned On Set. Twice
During a take of the scene in which the Wicked Witch escapes Munchkinland in a plume of smoke, the pyrotechnics were accidentally set off too early and a trapdoor malfunctioned, causing actress Margaret Hamilton's broom, hat, and makeup to catch fire. In The Making of The Wizard of Oz by Aljean Harmetz, the flames caught on her broom and hat,
“…scalding her chin, the bridge of her nose, her right cheek, and the right side of her forehead. The eyelashes and eyebrow on her right eye had been burned off; her upper lip and eyelid were badly burned.”
Her face and hands were badly burned. Medics had to use alcohol to remove her toxic makeup, which was also extremely painful. After returning to work, she was asked to film the "Surrender, Dorothy," scene, which also required smoke effects. She refused, and her stunt double, Betty Danko, took over. Danko suffered a similar injury during the scene, and was ultimately hospitalised. After her time in the hospital, she said, “I felt as though my scalp was coming off."
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The Tin Man Was Poisoned. Also Twice.
After Ray Bolger insisted he would make a better Scarecrow, the part of the Tin Man was given to Buddy Ebsen. However, an allergic reaction to the aluminium powder in the silver-colored makeup forced him to be hospitalised in an oxygen tent. Upon being interviewed by Aljean Harmetz, author of The Making of Wizard of Oz, Ebsen said the studio was far from sympathetic to his condition:
“They told me to get the hell back to work."
When Ebsen, whose skin had turned blue at this point, could not return, Jack Haley was forced into the role. The production team switched makeup to an aluminum paste, but it caused an eye infection for Haley anyway.
Interestingly, Buddy Ebsen's voice can still be heard in a few places in the soundtrack.
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The Actors Were Sprinkled With Toxic Fake Snow
In the film, Dorothy, Toto, and the Cowardly Lion fall asleep in a poppy field but are magically awakened by gently falling snow. Sadly, that beautiful snowfall was created using asbestos.
Asbestos fibres were often used as fake snow from the mid-1930s to the 1950s, both in people's homes as holiday decor and in films such as The Wizard of Oz. It wasn't until years later that people discovered the dangers of asbestos, far too late to help the actors exposed to the carcinogenic snow.
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Judy Garland Was Slapped For Laughing
While filming a scene in which Dorothy slaps the Cowardly Lion, Judy Garland supposedly had a giggling fit and was unable to finish the scene without breaking into laughter. Apparently, she couldn't bring herself to stay serious while slapping a man wearing a lion suit.
According to some sources, director Victor Fleming allegedly slapped her to snap her out of it, and she delivered a flawless line delivery on the next take.
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The Cowardly Lion's Outfit Smelled Awful And Was Made Of Real Lions
Cowardly Lion actor Bert Lahr's costume was very authentic. So authentic, in fact, it consisted of real lion pelts. It allegedly weighed 90 pounds and produced an offensively unpleasant odour from having a sweaty human trapped in it all day. Lahr remembers spending about three hours each day in the makeup chair, as did the Scarecrow and Tin Man.
In fact, the makeup took so much time, all three actors were not allowed to take off their costumes or makeup. Their odd appearance while in costume also frightened people dining in the commissary, so they had to eat their lunch on set.
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There Were Five Directors And More Than Ten Screenwriters
Five different directors are credited with taking the helm on The Wizard of Oz. There were also more than 10 screenwriters working on the script, and it was constantly changing. Original director Norman Taurog was replaced by Richard Thorpe, who was replaced by George Cukor. Only working on the film for several days, he helped the musical numbers improve, but was ultimately replaced by Victor Fleming.
Cukor signed on for Gone With The Wind after leaving Oz, but was fired and was replaced once again by Fleming. Since Fleming was now absent from Oz, King Vidor finished the last few weeks of filming, adding the Kansas scenes including "Over The Rainbow," which was almost cut from the final film. Victor Fleming ended up with the sole director credit (as well as the one for Gone With The Wind), since he had the biggest influence on the movie.
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Judy Garland Was Forced To Look Younger
Originally, the producers wanted Shirley Temple to play Dorothy, but contract issues and doubts about her singing ability led them to offer the role to girl-next-door Judy Garland. She was asked to lose about 12 pounds so she would more closely resemble a 12-year-old.
Then 17, Garland was forced to follow a strict diet (which included cigarettes) and wear a painful corset to flatten her breasts. Dorothy's look at the start of filming included blonde hair and feminine makeup, but filmmaker George Cukor decided she should look younger and less fantastic than the Technicolor world she was about to enter.
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Margaret Hamilton's Skin Stayed Green For Weeks
In addition to being highly flammable, the Wicked Witch's green makeup was also toxic. Margaret Hamilton accidentally swallowed some and was unable to eat for days. Her skin was also stayed green for several weeks, due to the copper in the makeup.
Hamilton and the Tin Man weren't the only characters with makeup woes, however. The prosthetic Scarecrow mask Ray Bolger wore left imprints on his face that supposedly lasted for a year.
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A Winkie Trampled Toto And Broke Her Paw
Toto was played by a female Cairn terrier named Terry. During filming, one of the Wicked Witch's Winkie guards accidentally stepped on Terry and broke her paw. Terry had to be replaced for the next four weeks of filming.
Injury notwithstanding, it was said that Toto received a higher paycheck (for her owner) than many of the Munchkin actors.
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The Studio Lighting Brought Temperatures On Set To Over 100 Degrees
Technicolor became popular in the early 1930s, as it allowed colours to appear vivid and highly saturated. However, it also required very bright lighting for filming. The intense lighting set-up caused temperatures in the studio to soar above 100 degrees, and there were issues with carbon dioxide buildup.
Production needed to be stopped occasionally so the studio could be aired out. The Winkies and the Winged Monkeys wore heavy costumes and struggled in the heat, some allegedly coming close to heat stroke.
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Some Wicked Witch Scenes Were Cut For Being Too Scary
The original look for the Wicked Witch was sultry, but producers decided "evil" should translate to "ugly." Gale Sondergaard was cast first, but dropped out because she exclusively wanted to play beautiful roles. Her replacement, Margaret Hamilton, was very good at being "ugly scary." So good, in fact, that many of her scenes had to be cut for being too scary, and she wound up appearing in less than 20 minutes of the final film.
She reprised her role in a 1976 episode of Sesame Street, but was also considered too scary, even away from the land of Oz. The episode aired once and was subsequently banned.
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A Magical Horse Was Smeared With Jell-O
If a filmmaker wanted to alter a horse's colour today, they could use CGI. In 1939, however, they had to get more creative. Here, "get more creative" means "use a bunch of Jell-O." The production team cast a white horse in the role of the Emerald City's “horse of a different colour” (which, of course, was red), and sponged it down with gelatin powder in between shots.
The horse apparently liked the flavour, and would try to lick the powder off. If you watch the scene closely, you can actually see the cart driver visibly trying to keep the colourful horse from licking itself.
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One Scene Was Cut For Fear Of Association With Alcohol
There's footage of a cut scene that includes a song and dance number called "Jitterbug." The group is on their way to the Wicked Witch's castle, when they're bombarded by bugs.
The scene was cut mostly because the producers didn't want the film associated with the popular Cab Calloway song "Call of the Jitterbug," which associated the "jitterbug" with alcohol. Weirdly, in the final film, a line referring to this scene still exists. If you've ever wondered what the Witch was referring to when she mentioned sending insects after Dorothy, this is it.
Friday, November 29, 2024
BACKSTORIES OF FAMOUS SONGS
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‘Go Your Own Way’ – Fleetwood Mac
Lindsey Buckingham, the lead guitarist and co-lead vocalist of Fleetwood Mac from 1975 to 1987 and 1997 to 2018, wrote this as a message to band member Stevie Nicks following their breakup. It bitterly describes their split, with the most obvious line being, "Packing up, shacking up is all you want to do," and concluding that he is better off without her, she can go her own way as far as he's concerned. Stevie insisted she never shacked up with anyone when they were going out, and wanted Lindsey to take out the line, but he refused. Stevie Nicks told Q magazine June 2009: "It was certainly a message within a song. And not a very nice one at that."
Stevie Nicks got equal time on the Rumours album with "Dreams," her message to Lindsey Buckingham. Nicks is more delicate in her approach, but just as biting, telling him what will happen when she goes her own way:
Listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
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‘Uptown Girl’ – Billy Joel
Written by Billy Joel, the lyrics describe a working-class "downtown man" attempting to woo a wealthy "uptown girl". According to an interview with Howard Stern, Joel had originally titled the song "Uptown Girls", and it was conceived on an occasion when he was surrounded by Christie Brinkley, Whitney Houston, and his then-girlfriend Elle Macpherson. According to numerous interviews with Joel, the song was initially written about his relationship with Macpherson, but it ended up also becoming about his soon-to-be wife, Brinkley, both women being two of the most famous supermodels of the 1980s. Joel said that the song was inspired by the music of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons.
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‘Blue Suede Shoes’ – Carl Perkins, Elvis Presley
Blue Suede Shoes" is a rock and roll standard written and first recorded by American singer, songwriter and guitarist Carl Perkins in 1955. Elvis Presley recorded "Blue Suede Shoes" in 1956, it was also recorded by Buddy Holly and Eddie Cochran, among many others.
Blue suede shoes were a luxury item in the South, a stylish footwear for a night out. You had to be careful with them, however, because suede isn't easy to clean.
Perkins never owned a pair, but Johnny Cash told him a story about someone who did. As Cash told it, he and Perkins were performing at a show in Amory, Mississippi along with Elvis Presley. When Presley was on stage, Cash told Perkins a story from his days serving in the Air Force in Germany. Cash's sergeant, a black guy named C.V. White, would wear his military best when he was allowed off base, and at one point said to Johnny, "don't step on my blue suede shoes." The shoes were really just Air Force-issued black, but white would say, "Tonight they're blue suede."
The story Perkins told is that later on, he was playing at a high school sorority dance when he came across a guy who wasn't paying much attention to his date, but kept telling everyone not to stop on his "suedes," meaning his blues suede shoes. At 3 a.m. that night, Perkins woke up and wrote the lyrics based on what happened that night and the story he heard from Cash. He couldn't find any paper, so he wrote it on a potato sack.
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‘’Rolling In the Deep’ - Adele
The song was written in a single afternoon by Adele and Paul Epworth, an English record producer, songwriter and musician, following Adele's breakup with her boyfriend. According to Adele: "It was my reaction to being told my life was going to be lonely and boring and rubbish, and that I was a weak person if I didn't stay in the relationship. I was very insulted, and wrote that as a sort of fuck you." "It's me saying, 'Get the fuck out of my house instead of me begging him to come back."
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‘Street Fighting Man’ – The Rolling Stones
Written by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards.
"Street Fighting Man" was originally written with an entirely different set of lyrics. Growing violence at political events throughout 1968 inspired Mick Jagger to alter the song to directly address such topics. With its release coming after a highly politically charged and publicised summer of violence, and the release of the Beatles' "Revolution", a song with similar themes, "Street Fighting Man" sparked controversy in the United States upon release, with many radio stations boycotting the song and refusing to play it.
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‘Song For Guy’ – Elton John
Guy Burchett was a messenger for Elton's label, Rocket Records. According to reviewer Claude Bernadin, Elton wrote and recorded this piece on the afternoon of Sunday, August 18, 1978. He had felt it was a song about death, and only learned the next day that Guy had been killed that very afternoon in a motorcycle accident.
“As I was writing this song one Sunday, I imagined myself floating into space and looking down at my own body. I was imagining myself dying. Morbidly obsessed with these thoughts, I wrote this song about death. The next day I was told that Guy [Burchett], our 17-year-old messenger boy, had been tragically killed on his motorcycle the day before. Guy died on the day I wrote this song.”
— Elton John, from the sleeve notes of the 7-inch single.
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'You Oughta Know' - Alanis Morissette
This 1995 song is believed to be about Dave Coulier, best known as Uncle Joey from Full House. He said the lyric, "I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner" was what confirmed his suspicion that he was the inspiration for the song. "We had already broken up … She called and I said, 'Hey, you know, I'm right in the middle of dinner. Can I just call you right back?' When I heard the line, it was like, uhhh-ohhh!"
Morissette has never publicly identified anyone as the ex-boyfriend portrayed in the song. In 2008, she said, “Well, I've never talked about who my songs were about and I won't, because when I write them they're written for the sake of personal expression. So with all due respect to whoever may see themselves in my songs, and it happens all the time, I never really comment on it because I write these songs for myself, not other people.”
In the 2021 documentary Jagged, Morissette denied the song is about Coulier.
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'Money for Nothing' - Dire Straits
This song is about rock star excess and the easy life it brings compared with real work. Mark Knopfler wrote it after overhearing delivery men in a New York department store complain about their jobs while watching an MTV rock video. He wrote the song in the store sitting at a kitchen display they had set up. Many of the lyrics were things they actually said.
In the book I Want My MTV, various people who worked at the network explain that Dire Straits' manager asked the network what they could do to get on the network and break through in America. Their answer was: write a hit song and let one of the top directors make a video. Mark Knopfler took the directive to write an "MTVable song" quite literally, using the network's tagline in the lyrics. The song ended up sounding like an indictment of MTV, but Les Garland, who ran the network, made it clear that they loved the song and were flattered by it - hearing "I Want My MTV" on the radio was fantastic publicity even if there were some unfavorable implications in the lyrics.
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‘That’ll Be The Day’ – Buddy Holly
Holly had been kicking around his home town in Lubbock, Texas trying to write a hit song for his small rockabilly band since he had attended an Elvis Presley gig at his High School some time in 1955. His band in those days consisted of him on lead vocals and guitar, Jerry Allison on the drums and Joe B. Maudlin on upright bass. He and Jerry decided to get together and go see The Searchers, a Western movie starring John Wayne. In the movie, Wayne keeps replying, "That'll be the day," every time another character in the film predicts or proclaims something will happen when he felt it was not likely to happen. The phrase stuck in Jerry's mind, and when they were hanging out at Jerry's house one night, Buddy looked at Jerry and said that it sure would be nice if they could record a hit song. Jerry replied with, "That'll be the day," imitating John Wayne in the film.
Thursday, November 28, 2024
FUNNY FRIDAY
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As always, hope you enjoy.
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SOME HUMOUR:
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Remember one thing kids: measure twice, cut once.
At least that's what the mohel told me.
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I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......
Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!
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The following is an American adaptation of Frank Kelly’s Irish ‘Christmas Countdown’, about the twelve days of Christmas. I will get back to that after the below version.
The 12 days of Christmas
Dearest John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
December 15th
Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
December 16th
Dear John,
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
December 18th
Dearest John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
December 19th
Dear John,
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
December 20th
John
What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY....... So stop with the fucking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.
Ag
December 22nd
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.
From Ag
December 23rd
You Rotten Prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commisioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm siccing the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
December 24th
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
Law Offices of Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar
303 Knave Street
Chicago, IL
25 December
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
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The Frank Kelly version can be heard by clicking on:
Those who would like to read it, or follow it as they listen, can do so with the below transcript, which has been previously posted in Bytes:
Day One
Dear Nuala,
Thank you very much for your lovely present of a partridge in a pear-tree.
We're getting the hang of feeding the partridge now, although it was difficult at first to win its confidence.
It bit the mother rather badly on the hand but they're good friends now and we're keeping the pear-tree indoors in a bucket.
Thank you again
Yours affectionately, Gobnait O'Lúnasa
Day Two
Dear Nuala,
I cannot tell you how surprised we were to hear from you so soon again and to receive your lovely present of two turtle doves.
You really are too kind.
At first the partridge was very jealous and suspicious of the doves and they had a terrible row the night the doves arrived
We had to send for the vet but the birds are okay again and the stitches are due to come out in a week or two.
The vet's bill was 8 pounds but the mother is over her annoyance now and the doves and the partridge are watching the telly from the pear-tree as I write.
Yours ever, Gobnait
Day Three
Dear Nuala,
We must be foremost in your thoughts.
I had only posted my letter when the three French hens arrived.
There was another sort-out between the hens and the doves, who sided with the partridge, and the vet had to be sent for again.
The mother was raging because the bill was 16 pounds this time but she has almost cooled down.
However, the fact that the birds' droppings keep falling down on her hair while she's watching the telly, doesn't help matters.
Thanking you for your kindness.
I remain, your Gobnait
Day Four
Dear Nuala,
You mustn't have received my last letter when you were sending us the four calling birds There was pandemonium in the pear-tree again last night and the vet's bill was 32 pounds.
The mother is on sedation as I write.
I know you meant no harm and remain your close friend.
Gobnauit
Day Five
Nuala,
Your generosity knows no bounds.
Five gold rings! When the parcel arrived I was scared stiff that it might be more birds, because the smell in the living-room is atrocious.
However, I don't want to seem ungrateful for the beautiful rings.
Your affectionate friend, Gobnait
Day Six
Nuala,
What are you trying to do to us? It isn't that we don't appreciate your generosity but the six geese a laying have not alone nearly murdered the calling birds but they laid their eggs on top of the vet's head from the pear-tree and his bill was 68 pounds in cash !
My mother is munching 60 grains of Valium a day and talking to herself in a most alarming way.
You must keep your feelings for me in check
Gobnait
Day Seven
Nuala,
We are not amused by your little joke.
Seven swans-a-swimming is a most romantic idea but not in the bath of a private house.
We cannot use the bathroom now because they've gone completely savage and rush the door every time we try to enter.
If things go on this way, the mother and I will smell as bad as the living-room carpet.
Please lay off. It is not fair.
Gobnait
Day Eight
Nuala,
Who the hell do you think gave you the right to send eight, hefty maids-a-milking here, to eat us out of house and home?
Their cattle are all over the front lawn and have trampled the hell out of the mother's rose-beds.
The swans invaded the living-room in a sneak attack and the ensuing battle between them and the calling birds, Turtle doves, French hens and partridge make the battle of the Somme seem like Wanderly Wagon.
The mother is on a bottle of whiskey a day, as well as the sixty grains of Valium.
I'm very annoyed with you
Gobnait
Day Nine
Listen you looser!
There's enough pandemonium in this place night and day without nine drummers drumming, while the eight flaming maids-a-milking are beating my poor, old alcoholic mother out of her own kitchen and gobbling everything in sight.
I'm warning you, you're making an enemy of me.
Gobnait
Day Ten
Listen manure-face, I hope you'll be haunted by the strains of ten pipers piping which you sent to torment us last night.
They were aided in their evil work by those maniac drummers and it wasn't a pleasant sight to look out the window and see eight hefty maids-a-milking pogo-ing around with the ensuing punk-rock uproar.
My mother has just finished her third bottle of whiskey, on top of a hundred and twenty four grains of Valium.
You'll get yours!
Gobnait O'Lúnasa
Day Eleven
You have scandalised my mother, you dirty Jezebel.
It was bad enough to have eight maids-a-milking dancing to punk music on the front lawn but they've now been joined by your friends the eleven Lords-a-leaping and the antics of the whole lot of them would leave the most decadent days of the Roman Empire looking like Outlook.
I'll get you yet, you loud bag!
Day Twelve
Listen slurry head, you have ruined our lives.
The twelve maidens dancing turned up last night and beat the living daylights out of the eight maids-a-milking, 'cause they found them carrying on with the eleven Lords-a-leaping.
Meanwhile, the swans got out of the living-room, where they'd been hiding since the big battle, and savaged hell out of the Lords and all the Maids.
There were eight ambulances here last night, and the local Civil Defence as well.
The mother is in a home for the bewildered and I'm sitting here, up to my neck in birds' droppings, empty whiskey and Valium bottles, birds' blood and feathers, while the flaming cows eat the leaves off the pear-tree
I'm a broken man
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An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance .... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's arse?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but... I've always wanted to."
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was a young girl of Bavaria
Who thought her disease was malaria,
But the family doc
Explained to her shock.
“It began in your genital area.”
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RELIGION SPOT
Two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.
God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, “This goes higher up than we thought”.
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CORN CORNER:
__________
I told my British friend I woke up with a bloody nose.
He said "everyone has a nose you bloody twat"
__________
My wife asked, "Why don't you treat me like you did when we first met?" So, I took her to dinner and a movie.
Then I dropped her off at her parents.
__________
I asked my boss, “Can I get two weeks off in December?”
Boss: It’s May.
Me: Sorry. May I get two weeks off in December?
__________
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?" queries Noah.
"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, You want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check."
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..........
"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark."
---- 😊😊😊 -----
Wednesday, November 27, 2024
O'HENRY - AFTER 20 YEARS
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William Sydney Porter (1862 – 1910), better known by his pen name O. Henry, was an American writer known primarily for his short stories, though he also wrote poetry and non-fiction. His works include "The Gift of the Magi" (I love that story and have previously posted it in Bytes at Christmas time), "The Duplicity of Hargraves", and "The Ransom of Red Chief". O’Henry's stories are known for their naturalist observations, witty narration, and surprise endings.
The following story is one of O’Henry’s short ones, although lengthy for Bytes.
Let me know if you enjoy it.
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THE POLICEMAN ON the beat moved up the avenue impressively. The impressiveness was habitual and not for show, for spectators were few. The time was barely 10 o'clock at night, but chilly gusts of wind with a taste of rain in them had well nigh depeopled the streets.
Trying doors as he went, twirling his club with many intricate and artful movements, turning now and then to cast his watchful eye adown the pacific thoroughfare, the officer, with his stalwart form and slight swagger, made a fine picture of a guardian of the peace. The vicinity was one that kept early hours. Now and then you might see the lights of a cigar store or of an all-night lunch counter; but the majority of the doors belonged to business places that had long since been closed.
When about midway of a certain block the policeman suddenly slowed his walk. In the doorway of a darkened hardware store a man leaned, with an unlighted cigar in his mouth. As the policeman walked up to him the man spoke up quickly.
“It's all right, officer,” he said, reassuringly. “I'm just waiting for a friend. It's an appointment made twenty years ago. Sounds a little funny to you, doesn't it? Well, I'll explain if you'd like to make certain it's all straight. About that long ago there used to be a restaurant where this store stands— ‘Big Joe’ Brady's restaurant.”
“Until five years ago,” said the policeman. “It was torn down then.”
The man in the doorway struck a match and lit his cigar. The light showed a pale, square-jawed face with keen eyes, and a little white scar near his right eyebrow. His scarf pin was a large diamond, oddly set.
“Twenty years ago tonight,” said the man, “I dined here at ‘Big Joe’ Brady's with Jimmy Wells, my best chum, and the finest chap in the world. He and I were raised here in New York, just like two brothers, together. I was eighteen and Jimmy was twenty. The next morning I was to start for the West to make my fortune. You couldn't have dragged Jimmy out of New York; he thought it was the only place on earth. Well, we agreed that night that we would meet here again exactly twenty years from that date and time, no matter what our conditions might be or from what distance we might have to come. We figured that in twenty years each of us ought to have our destiny worked out and our fortunes made, whatever they were going to be.”
“It sounds pretty interesting,” said the policeman. “Rather a long time between meets, though, it seems to me. Haven't you heard from your friend since you left?”
“Well, yes, for a time we corresponded,” said the other. “But after a year or two we lost track of each other. You see, the West is a pretty big proposition, and I kept hustling around over it pretty lively. But I know Jimmy will meet me here if he's alive, for he always was the truest, staunchest old chap in the world. He'll never forget. I came a thousand miles to stand in this door tonight, and it's worth it if my old partner turns up.”
The waiting man pulled out a handsome watch, the lids of it set with small diamonds.
“Three minutes to ten,” he announced. “It was exactly ten o'clock when we parted here at the restaurant door.”
“Did pretty well out West, didn't you?” asked the policeman.
“You bet! I hope Jimmy has done half as well. He was a kind of plodder, though, good fellow as he was. I've had to compete with some of the sharpest wits going to get my pile. A man gets in a groove in New York. It takes the West to put a razor-edge on him.”
The policeman twirled his club and took a step or two.
“I'll be on my way. Hope your friend comes around all right. Going to call time on him sharp?”
“I should say not!” said the other. “I'll give him half an hour at least. If Jimmy is alive on earth he'll be here by that time. So long, officer.”
“Good-night, sir,” said the policeman, passing on along his beat, trying doors as he went.
There was now a fine, cold drizzle falling, and the wind had risen from its uncertain puffs into a steady blow. The few foot passengers astir in that quarter hurried dismally and silently along with coat collars turned high and pocketed hands. And in the door of the hardware store the man who had come a thousand miles to fill an appointment, uncertain almost to absurdity, with the friend of his youth, smoked his cigar and waited.
About twenty minutes he waited, and then a tall man in a long overcoat, with collar turned up to his ears, hurried across from the opposite side of the street. He went directly to the waiting man.
“Is that you, Bob?” he asked, doubtfully.
“Is that you, Jimmy Wells?” cried the man in the door.
“Bless my heart!” exclaimed the new arrival, grasping both the other's hands with his own. “It's Bob, sure as fate. I was certain I'd find you here if you were still in existence. Well, well, well!—twenty years is a long time. The old restaurant's gone, Bob; I wish it had lasted, so we could have had another dinner there. How has the West treated you, old man?”
“Bully; it has given me everything I asked it for. You've changed lots, Jimmy. I never thought you were so tall by two or three inches.”
“Oh, I grew a bit after I was twenty.”
“Doing well in New York, Jimmy?”
“Moderately. I have a position in one of the city departments. Come on, Bob; we'll go around to a place I know of, and have a good long talk about old times.”
The two men started up the street, arm in arm. The man from the West, his egotism enlarged by success, was beginning to outline the history of his career. The other, submerged in his overcoat, listened with interest.
At the corner stood a drug store, brilliant with electric lights. When they came into this glare each of them turned simultaneously to gaze upon the other's face.
The man from the West stopped suddenly and released his arm.
“You're not Jimmy Wells,” he snapped. “Twenty years is a long time, but not long enough to change a man's nose from a Roman to a pug.”
“It sometimes changes a good man into a bad one,” said the tall man. “You've been under arrest for ten minutes, ‘Silky’ Bob. Chicago thinks you may have dropped over our way and wires us she wants to have a chat with you. Going quietly, are you? That's sensible. Now, before we go on to the station here's a note I was asked to hand you. You may read it here at the window. It's from Patrolman Wells.”
The man from the West unfolded the little piece of paper handed him. His hand was steady when he began to read, but it trembled a little by the time he had finished. The note was rather short.
Bob: I was at the appointed place on time. When you struck the match to light your cigar I saw it was the face of the man wanted in Chicago. Somehow I couldn't do it myself, so I went around and got a plainclothesman to do the job.
JIMMY.
Tuesday, November 26, 2024
Monday, November 25, 2024
FROM THE VAULT – POETRY SPOT
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From Bytes, Thursday, May 7, 2015
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Remember this from school?
MATILDA
who told such dreadful lies.
by
Hillaire Belloc
Matilda told such Dreadful Lies,
It made one Gasp and Stretch one’s Eyes;
Her Aunt, who, from her Earliest Youth,
Had kept a Strict Regard for Truth,
Attempted to believe Matilda:
The effort very nearly killed her,
And would have done so, had not she
Discovered this Infirmity.
For once, towards the Close of Day,
Matilda, growing tired of play,
And finding she was left to alone,
Went tiptoe to the telephone
And summoned the Immediate Aid
Of London’s Nobel Fire-Brigade.
Within an hour the Gallant Band
Were pouring in on every hand,
From Putney, Hackney Downs and Bow,
With Courage high and Hearts a-glow
They galloped, roaring though the Town,
"Matilda’s House is Burning Down"
Inspired by British Cheers and Loud
Proceeding from the Frenzied Crowd,
They ran their ladders through a score
Of windows on the Ball Room Floor;
And took Peculiar Pains to Souse
The Pictures up and down the House,
Until Matilda’s Aunt succeeded
In showing them they were not needed
And even then she had to pay
To get the Men to go away! . . . . .
It happened that a few Weeks later
Here aunt was off to the Theatre
To see that Interesting Play
The Second Mrs. Tanqueray.
She had refused to take her Niece
To hear this Entertaining Piece:
A Deprivation Just and Wise
To Punish her for Telling Lies.
That Night a Fire did break out-
You should have heard Matilda Shout!
You should have heard her Scream and Bawl,
And throw the window up and call
To People passing in the Street-
(The rapidly increasing Heat
Encouraging her to obtain
Their confidence)-but it was all in vain!
For every time She shouted "Fire!"
They only answered "Little Liar!"
And therefore when her Aunt returned,
Matilda, and the House, were burned`
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Comment:
This humorous poem satirises the dangers of lying and the consequences of crying wolf. The exaggerated descriptions of Matilda's lies and the fire brigade's over-the-top response create a comedic effect.
Compared to other works by Belloc, this poem is more lighthearted and playful. It also reflects the author's interest in the absurdities of human behavior.
For the time period, the poem is a reflection of the Victorian era's strict moral code and the importance placed on honesty. It warns against the dangers of deceit and encourages readers to be truthful. (hide)
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