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THE CAPTURE OF BIGFOOT
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| Unrated
| | Copyright 1979 Studio Film Corp.
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Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 31 August 2012
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This movie takes place in BFW. That would be short for bum f**k Wisconsin, and it is the middle of winter too. The practical upshot of this is that every scene has snow in it. Yes, every one of them. Even the scenes shot inside have snow, because there is either a window or else snow melting off of someone who just came in from outside. To be honest, there is one scene without any actual snow in it, which is when the game warden is reading through the newspaper archives. Guess what is on the front page of the newspaper? Yes, a picture of snows. Good grief.
A pair of trappers catch something strange in the deep woods but before they can return to town to show off their prize they are attacked. One of them manages to crawl back to the dog sled and the team faithfully pulls him back to town. Badly injured and unable to speak, the bloody trapper causes a lot of excitement. Another old local recalls a series of mysterious animal attacks twenty-five years ago that killed seven men. The game warden agrees the wounds were caused by an animal, but there are no wolves around and every self-respecting bear is hibernating. The sheriff agrees that it is an animal attack because that makes it the game warden's problem. However, the owner of the local mine (I think he owns a mine) believes that he knows what attacked the trappers and he wants to catch it. He thinks that it is Arak. Arak is a Native American legend, a mystical creature that lived in the woods and would even come to take the old away when it was their time to die.
Wait a minute. Every winter Bigfoot would show up to escort the old people to the next life? No, no he didn't. Bigfoot was hungry. He showed up at the camp looking for food and the tribe gave him an old person. The tribe thought that their elders were being led to the afterlife, but to Arak the camp was the equivalent of McDonalds or KFC.
I refuse to make a joke about Indian cuisine here.
There are two different Bigfoot creatures in the film. One is an adult, about eight feet tall, while the other is a juvenile that is closer in size to a human. Both of them look like good ol' boys covered with thick white hair. Imagine ZZ Top as ninety-year old werewolves and you have a good picture of what I'm talking about.
The smaller Arak is shot by two goons hired by the mine owner, which sends the larger one on a rampage. Said rampage consists of it killing one annoying skier, because besides trapping, mining, and drinking, the only other thing they do in Wisconsin is ski. However, Bigfoot's ferocity is tame compared to the mean guy who owns the mine. His goons waylay the game warden, pull a coup on the sheriff, and lure the adult Arak into a trap by using the two who shot baby Arak as unwilling bait. Once the beast is netted it is put into a cage, but luckily the warden and his friend are rescued from freezing to death by the last of the Native American tribe that used to feed their elderly to Arak. Mr. Warden defeats the evil businessman and saves Bigfoot from a life in captivity.
Unfortunately, I might have made this movie more interesting than it really is. Most of the encounters with Bigfoot are anticlimactic. Somebody wearing plaid pokes around in the snow, the creature suddenly appears ambling though the snow, and then the frightened human runs, dog sleds, or snowmobiles away though the snow. That happens a lot.
Did I mention the snow?
What would have been cool is a bunch of people riding snowmobiles or on skis attacking Bigfoot with nets, boomerangs, or even homemade flamethrowers. Man that would be awesome. No way could that ever happen in this film, but I'd buy that movie in a heartbeat.
Radiation-Scarred Reviews is hosting a bigfoot roundtable. Click on the banner for more hairy man-beast goodness.
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| Things I Learned From This Show: | |
|  | The worst part of owning a dog sled team is that your friends are always asking to borrow it.
| | | If Hell ever does freeze over then it will be indistinguishable from most of Wisconsin.
| | | Back in the 70s the women were all sexy disco mamas, but the men were trolls.
| | | Plaid matches everything.
| | | You never know when welding skills might come in handy.
| | | The phrase "Wardrobe by Kmart" should not appear in a film's credits.
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| | | 10 mins - Ah, I see that you are an employee of the Division of Fish and Wildlife.
| | | 16 mins - It is 8:00 AM in the morning and these three are already at the bar, drinking beer.
| | | 16 mins - You know, that doesn't sound like such a bad gig.
| | | 37 mins - That is a heck of a lot of popsicle sticks.
| | | 47 mins - Where did the dance party come from? Did the singer just say "sensuous tiger?" What is going on?
| | | 68 mins - My kids do a better job of tying each other up than that.
| | | 72 mins - Should you be driving that fast on ice?
| | | 74 mins - Now a completely different car explodes.
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| Trapper #1: "Come on now, Jake, you ain't going to tell that old Indian legend again, are you?
Jake: "Now Jason, I don't remember tell you nothing. I was talking to him."
Trapper #2: "Facts? Facts? You ain't had no straight facts since the cow kicked you in the a**, you old fool."
| Groovy music, Bigfoot going "Blaahhhh!", and a snowmobile engine starting up. This about sums up most of the movie.
| Game Warden: "By the way, I ought to mention one more thing. I found a track out there. It was pretty well snow blown. It looked human, eight inches wide - twenty inches long."
Sheriff: "Garrett, you trying to push that superstition on me too? Come on, you're a college boy."
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