Full Circle?

It's been not quite three months since I decided to embark on the "dating plan."  I've had some good experiences.  I've (re)learned some things.  Mostly I think as this summer comes to a close, I'm back where I started, though less angsty.   Among other things....I've been rereading work by Bella DePaulo on being "single at heart," which has been a really good reminder that I've been happily single for the bulk of my adult life and my big feelings for one person really didn't change that.  The particular convergence of the SAD of this winter had mostly to do with my missing her on the one side and the particular loneliness of single parenting a challenging teen at a challenging time (add wars and political insanity of this moment and stir!).  Digging into the non-mom parts of me--through dating [the getting out of the house and socializing part], through new friendship, through digging into old friendship, through taking new dance classes and art making and all kinds of things--is what I needed.  

Wild Summer

I couldn't just leave that last series of posts hanging there...

I was REALLY sad there for a while.  The entire situation with K  made no sense to me from any direction.  After a lot of mental spinning (and writing! so much writing!), I decided sometime when the semester wrapped (mid/late May?) to embark on a two part plan. 

(1) I sent what I thought of in my head as a last overture.  It was a breezy email.  I asked her to coffee at a place very near to her office that I like.  (I go there anyway)  I also gave her an easy out (i.e. "I completely understand if you don't have the bandwidth for a new friendship right now").  She replied unequivocably enthusiastically.  She wanted to get together....but life.  She had an upcoming surgery (!!) and suggested a date weeks out.  She gave me her cell number.  And, as it turns out, she replies to texts!  I am being careful not to overuse it, but it's been a nice low stakes way to transition to friendship thing.  (i.e. here is a picture of a thing that reminded me of you).  That coffee meet up is upcoming.  Whatever happens--whether she bails, we enjoy each other in that context, or we don't--will be useful information for me. 

(2) I did indeed create a "dating" profile that was pretty clear about the ways that I am understanding my sexuality at the moment and the kinds of relationships I may be interested in pursuing.  I 'matched' with four people pretty quickly.  One conversation with someone I was very compatible with on paper didn't seem to go anywhere.  I went on one "date" with someone I suspected would not be a good fit in any direction but decided it would be good practice.  (I was correct on both accounts.  It was not a terrible experience but it was a lot of conversational heavy lifting and I was definitely in Professor Mode).  I have been on two dates now with someone who seems more promising--closer in education level (advanced degree), stage of life (mom of a teen), and personality (good old Myers-Briggs).  And have been chatting with person 3, who seems interesting but also likely not a great fit, even for a new friend (a bit more geographical distance than I'd like, among other issues).  Situation 2 and 3 started at the same time, and I think I am going to cut out of situation 3.  We would have fun, I'm sure (much more adventurous person) but I do NOT have the bandwidth to pursue two different nascent relationships on top of my actual friendships and parenting.  My social time is quite limited, particularly as Tiny Boy requires (partly by choice) childcare if I'm out in the evenings for 2+ hours.

The upshot of all this is I'm not full of deep sorrow anymore.  But getting to know new people requires even more of my carefully calibrated introvert energy than maintaining current relationships.  So it's A LOT.   Mostly good.  But a lot.

The Crush and the Sad (Part Three)

Or: how do you make friends as an adult?

Or: in lieu of going to therapy.

I am wrestling with two oppositional needs.  On the one hand, I am highly introverted, "sensitive," and easily overwhelmed by engagement even with folks I care about.  My nervous system doesn't seem to recognize the difference between an antagonistic department meeting and a dinner party with good friends, for example.  It takes me HOURS to unwind after being out, and I've realized my cutoff for human contact is about 8:30 pm or I don't sleep well, if at all.  On the other.....I'm really longing for more connection with kindred spirits.  I just was at a dinner party at a neighbor's house, lively conversation, great food.  I met someone new, who I will probably never see again, but it was good spending time in her company, and also being with folks I already knew and care about.  But even this "safe space" felt good only for the first hour and change and then I was tapped and couldn't sit still anymore.  I was glad to have the built in need to leave, to get home to Tiny Boy and bed routine.

So, despite what is a very clear need for more connection....the idea of meeting new people in the context of "dating," say, is pretty abhorrent actually, even as I recognize the practical value.  I'm not sure how to meet people in contexts that feel reasonably good, and digging into this question is something I need to do more systematically.  Where are my people?

I am already doing the things where I might meet them....dance class and writing workshops among them.  Beyond that, I'm really not sure.

The Crush and the Sad (Part Deux)

I started seeing a therapist a few months ago, as I way to dig into what I've been thinking of as The Sad.  It seemed to me this was a convergence of a) not seeing K and the anticipation of that relationship being completely over, b) Tiny Boy's pubescent rage in my general direction, and c) the political situation which is present in everything, including my parenting.  And also a deeper thing (d) that really escaped language; it was deeply embodied and physically adjacent to the actual injury for which K was treating me.  An area of my thoracic spine was completely stuck.  It unstuck--and has stayed that way--around the time I started exploring what I wanted that was bound up in the crush.  There was a lot of crying connected with that unsticking; she'd mash on my back and I'd cry in the car on the way home.

Anyway.  We only recently started talking about K in the context of this last thing, mostly, and the question of what I was going to do.  To date, or not to date, that seemed to be the question.  A friend of mine had made a pointed statement that felt mean in the way that clearsighted objectivity can sometimes feel mean, but it was hugely clarifying.  I'm paraphrasing but the gist of it was "so you want an object of desire that is not available to you as a partner."  The friend meant it like, hello, you are self-sabotaging the possibility of your having a romantic partnership if you keep clinging to this fantasy.  But in actuality....I HAVE NO INTEREST IN A ROMANTIC PARTNER in K or anyone else.  I mean, I made the decision to become a single parent in my 20s.  No regrets.  No desire for sex/romance/partnership (which aren't the same anyway) in all these years and, despite the crush, it didn't sit right now.  But I guess sometimes we need to relearn things about ourselves.**

What I want, I think, which I had some difficulty explaining even to my therapist because compulsory sexuality and amatonormativity run so deep, is a playmate, a companion, a best friend of the sort I had through high school and college and grad school.  Beyond that I want to experience again the feeling that I have when K looks at me, which is a very particular way of being truly seen and heard and adored.  Part of that, I have no doubt, is that she is incredibly good at her job and pays very close attention.  But there's something else there, too.  I can't guess what it feels like for her, but for me it is absolutely love.  Not romantic love, but love.

When I started thinking through even my wildest fantasies and actual dreams, they were never some fairy tale where we have an affair and she leaves her husband for me.  They were logical extensions of the relationship we actually had (i.e. going to the gym with her, watching team sports in which she teaches me the rules, me teaching her to dance, taking walks in the woods, deep conversations over drinks), things I do with my current friends.  Just more of it and with greater emotional intensity.  Which is why the thought of making a "dating profile" on an app seemed just wrong on a profound level.  I haven't ever dated.  The few sexual relationships I've had all emerged out of friendships.

So....where I'm at.  I probably will make said profile, though with very clear intentions that I'm looking for something resembling a best friend, not a romantic partner.  And I will likely reach out to K the next time I need to be in her building, because ignoring her in those circumstances feels strange.....and if she doesn't reply to that, well, I know for whatever reason, any sort of relationship with her is not meant to be moving forward.  And I will hold on to the fact that what we did share, over the course of this year, was truly magical and life-changing. 

**I was also reading Elseship by Tree Abraham, which is a brilliant book, and solidified some things for me in this regard.

A Slightly More Titillating Story

Where to begin.  

As I mentioned...I was in physical therapy for ~7 months after a shoulder injury.  I worked with several physical therapists in that time, but one in particular--I'll call her K--did my initial evaluation and became my one-and-only from September through December.  She is truly one of the most (the most?) fascinating people I have ever met; I knew this from day 1.  And at some point October-ish it became clear to me that I had a crush on her.  And that's putting it lightly.

Truly stunning to me was the depth of my feelings for her.  I'd had a mild crush on a friend about a decade ago but otherwise, nada.  (Yes, probably on the asexual spectrum)  It was like being hit on the side of the head, woken up.  She was, of course, unavailable, in multiple ways.  My physical therapist.  Married.  Small children.  It made me start to think through the possibility of dating.  But mostly I just wanted her.  No one--and I mean this literally--has ever looked at me the way she has.  Full of adoration.

When I saw her late December, just before the holidays, she said she'd see me once or twice more, reach out after the new year to schedule.  (She said it depended on how winter travel went.  At that point the longest I'd gone without seeing her was two weeks)

We made an appt for second week of January.  I spent days spinning about what I was going to say to her; mostly I wanted one real conversation outside the clinic.  It was pretty clear she liked me too (the nature of that liking unclear!), as I was literally the only patient she saw (mostly her job at that point was administrative, which was obviously not the case when I started PT back in May 2024).  And there were some comments about seeing me being the highlight of her week.  And what felt like legitimate friendship, with the constraints of it being billed to my insurance company.  And, wowza, the way she looked at me some times.

That theoretical last appointment was canceled by the clinic.  Turns out--I learned from a direct email from her--she had a significant injury and would be out of work for an as-yet-unspecified amount of time.  Cue two more months of occasional back-and-forth on email.  I asked how she was doing, she asked how I was doing etc. etc.  Mostly we had a relationship that existed in my head.  (I have written MANY poems about this.)

I saw her finally mid-March for a last appointment.  There was the expected assessment, and then almost thirty minutes of sitting and talking.  Her kids. My kids. What had happened to her. Etc.  I didn't want to leave; it seemed like she didn't want me to leave.  Finally, when she walked me out, I just blurted "I will be your friend outside this place."  And she said something to the effect of "I'd love that, we should do that, we CAN do that now."

So I emailed her--the only real way I have to contact her--to see if she'd actually like to get coffee or something.  And weeks went by with no response.  In a truly adolescent fit, I then sent her an invite to my local poetry reading, and I got an apologetic email....she was sorry for not replying, big life situation happened, she'd love to get together sometime, she was blocking her calendar for the event.

Which was last week.  And she didn't show.  And she hasn't been in touch.  And I'm torn between being disappointed and crushed and also....worried.  Mostly confused.  And my inner teenager would very much like to sit in the lobby of her building to catch her coming out to say WTF?!

Observations about this insanity quite welcome.  Enjoy :)

Hello Friends! (RBOC)

 Apparently I need to come out of the woodwork every few months or so...

• I adore my students but this semester needs to be done.  I'm teaching a senior capstone thing and there is way too much YA fiction about dragons/vampires/shape-shifting bacteria and none of this is remotely interesting to me as a poet/nonfiction writer.  Sometimes I literally can't process the sentences they write.  BUT I really do like my students and the dynamic between them is nothing short of miraculous.  It reminds me daily of why I do what I do.
• Single parenting a 13-y-o with ADHD is challenging in ways I have never experienced single parenting.  It is soul sucking and I am cycling through SAD.  (And seeing a therapist!)
• I am belatedly looking up summer programs for said 13-y-o and realizing the thing they wanted to do only goes up to age 12 and WTF am I going to do this summer, as TB really really really needs structured activity.  And I have multiple books to write.
• Speaking of:  I'm doing a couple book-related events (one online, one at a local bookstore) over the next week and change.  Online is related to infertility stuff; in person is a mishmash that will include published stuff and new stuff.   (How's THAT for vague?)  I'm doing it with a friend who has a NEW BOOK out.  But if you "know" me and want details, reach out via email!

I hope you all are doing well in THESE TIMES.  Excuse me while I go cry.

Happy New Year!

Hello friends!  It's been eons (well, almost a full year) since I've posted here.  But as I'm processing 2024 and planning for 2025, this blog feels like a space to revisit.  I just meticulously copied over some questions from SHU's year-end post and decided most of those questions don't actually speak to me.  The categories were helpful, though.  So...what is new in my world?

Work

I'm in year 2 of an admin gig which is going moderately well.  I'm good at it, and I like most parts of it.  The parts I don't like I am getting better at outsourcing, minimizing, or coming up with better systems for.  Unlike my previous admin gig, I can detach emotionally from most of it.  I had a teaching release this past fall....and now gearing up for "spring" class, along with a new committee assignment, so teaching/service will take up a larger percentage of my available work time.  As is my way, I have three active book projects and one making the rounds in hopes of securing a publisher.  That's a weird hybrid genre book, but I really like it, and the last rejection hit pretty hard.  Need to regroup and resend.  Mostly at my age (52) and stage of career (tenured full professor) I am trying hard NOT to overwork.

Kids

Tiny Boy is 13, LG is almost 21 (WTF!).  They are both doing well in their own ways.  LG is thriving in nursing school (third year) and working two jobs as EMT.  TB is in 7th grade, interested in children's theater, soccer, and D&D.  But 13....so a lot of rage in my general direction and parenting solo is particularly hard in this respect.

Health

Well....late March I messed up my shoulder/arm pretty badly.  It looked like I was going to need surgery through July and then turned a corner.  Magical cortisone injection into the shoulder joint made it possible for me to make significant progress in physical therapy.  My range of motion is finally "within normal limits" in all directions, though still limited compared to my non-injured arm, and there are things I will never be able to do again.  Now I'm doing baby strength training, quite meticulously, given involvement in multiple tendons in the shoulder/arm.  The process has been emotionally and cognitively challenging in ways I never imagined. My physical therapist is an actual former Olympian, among her many other talents and credentials, and I am grateful beyond words for her care.  

Favorite Media

I rewatched a good chunk of The West Wing as a way to calm myself before the election.  Really liked The Diplomat.  I don't do many movies at all, but the kids and I saw Wicked on my birthday and quite enjoyed it (though it was definitely 30 minutes too long).  We also saw The Wizard of Oz in the actual theater, which was a treat.  (I guess there's a theme here!)

Other Miscellany

I have been taking dance classes again (ballet mostly), which has been challenging with the aforementioned arm injury, but really helpful in terms of getting out of my head.  Also experimenting with visual art (paper crafts, mostly, though recent turn toward wire work).  Given my actual job reading is just not relaxing in a way that using my hands / body / other senses can be.

Anyway....I hope you're all well.  Drop me a line in the comments if you actually read this :)