There's One, Only!

Filthy Lie: Evil New Year's Eve

Harv wants to know, what will Evil Glenn be doing to celebrate New Year's this year? I presume this is so he can foil Evil Glenn's plans. Or at least know enough to hide.

I asked my bloggless brother to hack into Evil Glenn's computer to get his evil plans. Unfortunately, Evil Glenn hasn't actually decided what he is going to be doing yet. But we were able to get his notes, listing his possible ideas.

Memo to self: What to do New Year's Eve

• Pick lint out of navel? - Could be fun for the whole family
• File law suits? - Could be hard finding anyone at court. Not a religious holiday, so most lawyers observe it.
• Go to a hockey game? - Do they play hockey in Tennessee?
• Eat chinese take out and watch Marx Brothers movies? - Nah, that sounds like something GEBIV would do.
• Play the accordion all night? - Well, we don't want to be too evil...
• Watch sand fall? - ooooh.... sand.....
• Work on my plans for world domination? - But then it might feel like a work night.
• Go leprechaun hunting? - I'll get those Lucky Charms one of these days.
• Read a good book? - But definitely not "The Good Book." I am a lawyer after all.
• Drink myself silly and make prank phone calls? - Gotta check to see if I've got any minutes left on the cell phone...

Well, whatever Evil Glenn decides to do, you can be sure that it will be eeeeeeevvvviiiiilllll!

PGHA: Where are the troops going?

Wow, with all the family stuff going on around Christmas, I almost forgot that the rest of the world was still going on. You know, politics and things.

In fact, I didn't even see the news that "Secretary of Terrorist Killin', Donald Rumsfeld stated that 7000 troops currently stationed in Iraq will be deployed... somewhere else."

But I think that I did hear something about where the troops are going to be ending up.

About half of them are coming here to Buffalo to shore up the Bills' offensive line...

The rest seem to be going to Wisconsin for a similar reason.

On the Second Day of Christmas...

Since it's the second day of Christmas, I thought I'd look up what that seemingly silly song is about... And it actually has a lot more meaning than I thought.

Here's a good site that has the origins of the Twelve Days of Cristmas, and what the song's lyrics really represent.

Enjoy!

A Holiday Treat

Here's a Holiday recipe I posted once before a while back. But I feel like recycling....

FRUIT CAKE RECIPE

One Cup Water
One Cup Sugar
Four Large Eggs
Two Cups of Dried Fruit
One Teaspoon of Baking Soda
One Teaspoon of Salt
One Cup of Brown Sugar
Lemon Juice
Nuts
One Bottle of Whiskey (High Quality)

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and check in the cup of drier fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of sale, or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.

PGHA: Those wacky Iranians

Oh, those wacky Iranians.... Just weeks after proclaiming that Isreal had no right to exist and that the Holocaust never happened, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad issued another contreversial statement to the press.

When during a routine press briefing, he was asked about the upcoming Christmas Celebrations around the world, he erupted into a speach denouncing the Holiday and anyone who celebrates it.

Ahmadinegad: There is no Christmas in Iran! Christmas doesn't exist here, and has no right to exist anywhere else. It's all a Zionist Conspiracy anyways! Santa doesn't exist. He's just a marketing ploy by the JOOOOOOOOOOS! *spittle starts flying* And he never brought me my monkey!

And if we see his fat, red hide in our airspace again, we'll shoot him down with those missles we told everyone we don't have! And then we'll nuke his little toy shop at the North Pole! Yeah. that'll show everyone...

At this point his security managed to shut off the cameras. But reporters also say that as Ahmadinegad was "ushered" off stage by his advizers, they could hear him muttering under his breath.. "And I'll get everyone of those Whos down in Whoville too..."

Just got this from my Blogless Brother

"What does your father do..."

Little Tommy was in the 4th grade class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living. All of the typical
answers came up fireman, policeman, salesman, etc...

Tommy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good,
he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some coloring, and took little Tommy aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Tommy, "He plays for the Buffalo Bills, but I was too
embarrassed to say so."

In case anyone was wondering...

The Red-Neck Twelve Days of Christmas are as follows, in reverse order:

Twelve-Pack of Bud

'Leven Rasslin' Tickets

Ten Copenhagen

Nine Years Probation

Eight Table Dancers

Seven Packs of Red-Man

Six Cans of SPAM

Five Flannel Shirts

Four Big Mud Tires

Three Shotgun Shells

Two Huntin' Dogs

And Some Parts to a Mustang GT.

(Based on Jeff Foxworthy's Crank-It Up album)

Winter Cover Up

I was listening to the radio the other day, and I finally understand what "Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer" is really about. Up front, it looks like a song about a plucky little reindeer who overcomes his personal disfigurement to become a hero. But that doesn't explain the why of the song. Why does it exist? Surely there were enough Christmas songs already. Enough that no one needed to write a silly one about a proboscally challenged deer.

And then it hit me. The song isn't about Rudolf at all. At least not directly. The key to the whole song is in this one line.

And then one foggy Christmas Eve. Santa came to say,

Did you see that? A FOGGY Christmas Eve? At the North Pole? Fog only occurs when you have warm air over a cold surface, or cold air above a warm surface. And either possibility should never happen at the North Pole. Unless....

GLOBAL WARMING!

And it was happening back in the 50's! But they were smart. Once Big Oil discovered what was going on, they sprang into action. And their answer to the problem was brilliant. Distract everyone from the weather by creating a hero to overcome it. And thus Rudolf was born. (Genetically engineered actually.) And once the song hit the airwaves, everyone was concentrating on the plucky reindeer, and ignoring the real problem.

I found even more sinister evidence of a cover up in "Frosty the Snowman." According to the story of Frosty, he was created by the combined magic of an old silk hat and a Christmas Eve snowfall. A snowfall that was doubly magical because in the story, it was not only Christmas Eve, it was also the first snowfall of the year. That's right, December 24th when the first snow of the year happened. Well over a month later than the standard first snowfall of the year for most of the country. (At least the area I live in.)

And then, the same day that he was made, "Frosty the Snowman knew the sun was hot that day. So, not only did it take untill late December to get cold enough to snow, the next morning it was already starting to melt. Obviously GLOBAL WARMING!

Frosty himself is full of metaphors of the problem. His "corn-cob pipe" represents the cause of GLOBAL WARMING - fuel emissions. (And second-hand smoke.) His "eyes of coal" are symbols of the fuel industries seeing that they are the cause of the problem. While his button nose shows that they aren't going to say a thing about what they know.

But most chilling of all are the events surrounding Bing Crosby's "White Christmas." As one of the first to recognize the problem back in the 40's, Bing sang about how much he missed the Christmases he used to know. He reminisced about snow, and how there wasn't any anymore at Christmas time. And then, in a brutal move by Big Oil and the rest of the fuel industries, he was murdered just 30 years later as an example to other singers. Oh, they say it was a heart-attack, but what are the odds of a pipe smoking 74 year old having a heart attack while golfing?

So remember this Holiday season, as you listen to some of your favorite Christmas songs, remember - GLOBAL WARMING!

(This has been a satire by me, GEBIV. No disrespect is intended to Bing Crosby or his family, whom I am sure still miss him very much.)

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Christmas

So, what's Evil Glenn doing for Christmas this year?

Same as every year, sitting around with his family beneath a penguin festooned tree, singing his favorite, evil Christmas Carols.

Like:

• Randolf the Red Nosed Hobo


• The Blending Song (Manchester Terriers Spinning in and Open Blender)


• Deck the Hoboes (With Bats and Hammers)


• The Hobo Got Run Over By My Buick


• Jingle Bell Rock

And when the family is done singing, he'll put in his favorite movie How the Grinch Stole Christmas. (Which he thinks is the greatest movie ever made because his pirated copy cuts off right before the Grinch has a change of heart and becomes good...)

Finally, after the Inst-Children are put to bed, Evil Glenn will set himself down in his easy chair next to the fireplace, and wait with baseball bat in hand for Santa. He's still a little annoyed about his present from when he was ten years old. Apparently that was the year he made his first puppy shake, so instead of the puppies he asked for, Santa gave Evil Glenn a box of banana slugs. Evil Glenn has waited by the fireplace every year since.

Ah, Holiday traditions...

PGHA: Amendments to the Patriot Act

Hmmmm... a thought experiment. Let's first imagine that somehow (with nobody checking my background) I became a U.S. Senator over night. Maybe one of my current Senators, like our Junior Senator from New York suddenly sees the error of her ways... or flees ahead of a grand jury indictment or something. Which somehow leads to me becoming one of my state's Senators. Just in time for the upcoming discussions on The Patriot Act.

What provisions would I want to put in it?

Well, on the subject of air-line safety, I'd want mandatory handgun training for all pilots. Mandatory Ninja training for all flight attendants. And knife dispensers at all boarding terminals. If everyone on the plane has a knife, and I'm talking about one of those good solid Buck locking-back knives, no one is going to be afraid of some terrorist with a box-cutter.

And if the terrorist somehow gets past the other passengers, they'd still have to face the Ninja flight attendants, and a probably really pissed pilot with a .45. (Those guys are responsible for all the messes that occur on the plane. And while they personally don't have to clean up all the blood stains, the paperwork is a real pain in the butt.)

Then to beef up our borders, I'd want to install Border Catapults. I don't care if it's a trebuchet, a more Romanesque mangonel, or a giant sling-shot. I just want any illegal aliens who are caught to get a quick return trip. I'd put those Minutemen guys in charge of it.

The Border Catapults would allow us to quickly return illegal aliens across the also newly installed Border Hedge of Thorns without getting anyone needlessly tangled in the thorns. At least once we get the trajectory stuff all figured out...

The Border Hedge of Thorns should allow America to protect it's borders without a lot of complaining from those Enviro-nuts. Actually, I wouldn't hold my breath on that. They'd probably complain even if you installed a ten mile wide Border Wildlife Sanctuary. (They'd complain that all the illegals tramping across it were doing so much damage that elevated walk ways should be installed...) So forget the Enviro-nuts. But I still like the Border Hedge of Thorns.

My only final thought on what to add to the Patriot Act would be some rule stating that the New England Patriots were no longer to be allowed to beat the Buffalo Bills. Or at least had to give the Bills 30 45 points...

I'm tired

...that's about it.

They finally got married!!!

Frank J. and SarahK (is she going to change her name from SarahK to SarahF now?) finally got married yesterday deep in the heart of Texas.

One of the intrepid bloggers who attended the festivities was able to put up a bunch of pictures of the wedding over at IMAO. So, if you haven't already done so, go on over and take a look. And maybe leave a congrats in the comments...

Christmas Music.... by Queen?

Since there's nothing good on the radio at 6AM, I cued up some Trans-Siberian Orchestra Christmas music on the ol' mp3-playing laptop. And I noticed something...

Is it just me, or do they sound an awful lot like what you would think Queen would - if Queen played Christmas songs? For most of the songs anyways.

Or maybe I just need more coffee...

They're Finally Getting Married!

The lovely SarahK and the witty (and heavily armed) Frank J. are finally getting married this weekend in Texas. I'm sure that you can find all sorts of information and pictures over at Mountaneer Musings or IMAO. Their respective blogs.

But since this is a pair of bloggers (who met as a result of Frank J.'s T-shirt Babe contest) getting married, we know that it can't be happening without Evil Glenn being involved somehow.

So the question is:

What will Evil Glenn be doing at Frank and Sarah's wedding.

The same thing he does at every wedding he crashes - hitting the bars.

First the salad bar, then the shrimp bar, then the open bar ...then, probably that little bar that you rest your foot on, with his nose.

You know, for a lawyer he sure has a hard time passing a bar.

PHGA: A Cloud For Your Silver Lining

This week's exercise in absurdity as suggested by Harvey is to:

1) Find actual good news in the War on Terror and 2) put anti-war spin on it to make it sound like bad news.

First, the good news!

US says 22 Taliban killed in Afghanistan

And now the spin!

US munitions continue to be used at alarming rate

KABUL (Reuters: Pessimism branch) In Afghanistan, ammunition supplies were further depleted this week as US-lead forces clashed with guerillas. Three American soldiers as well as five of other nationalities were injured in the battle.

In another attack on guerilla strongholds, a cache of arms was captured. Unfortunately, none of the munitions are compatible with those used by the US-led forces. So no replenishment of the dwindling supplies occurred. Official sources speculate that the captured ammo may be sold on the black market to further fund the US-led occupation.

Some guerilla forces may have been killed in the action. However, casualty figures are in some dispute at this time.

Hey, that's petty good. I may have a future with the LA Times...

Just plain.... weird

Man Jailed After Biting Head Off Gecko

Do you think that maybe he just saw one too many of those Geiko commercials?

And while it wasn't mentioned in the article, I'm pretty sure alcohol was involved somehow...

John Kerry Advocates Terrorism Against Iraqi Civilians

In an interview with Bob Schieffer on Face the Nation, Senator John Kerry (Mass, D) was quoted as saying that the Iraqi soldiers the American forces are training in Iraq should be terrorizing the local population.

JOHN KERRY: I don't agree with that. But I think what we need to do is recognize what we all agree on, which is, you've got to begin to set benchmarks for accomplishment; you've got to begin to transfer authority to the Iraqis, and there is no reason, Bob, that young American soldiers need to be going into the homes of Iraqis in the dead of night, terrorizing kids and children, you know, women, breaking sort of the customs of the -- of -- of -- of -- historical customs, religious customs, whether you like it or not. Iraqis should be doing that.

(Emphasis mine)

There you have it. Not only is John Kerry saying that American troops are terrorizing Iraqi citizens, (and he's wrong on that) but he's saying that it is something the new Iraqi Army should be doing. I guess he really does think that things were better under Saddam when this kind of thing was common place....

Check out Rush's take on the interview. I was listening at work, and started laughing right before he cut off the playback and said the same thing about Kerry.

It should be interesting to see what Kerry's spin masters try to do with this... if what he actually said gets analyzed in the same way a Republican Senator's words would.

Arghhh.

The Bills stink. When will they learn to play a full 60 minutes.

Ahead 23-3 at the beginning of the fourth quarter... they loose 23-24.

ArggghhhhhhHHHHHhhhhh!!!!!!!

Well, at least no more false hope to string us along. The season is over.

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn and the Airport

Last week, Harvey put forth that Evil Glenn had a hand in causing a mob to attack the New York desk at Washington National Airport. Evil Glenn admits to some connection with his comment of:

I remember seeing the New York Air desk at Washington National literally overrun by a mob once. They deserved it, too.

But Harvey wanted to know a few more details. After a week of investigations, all I was able to come up with was a witness saying that they saw Evil Glenn putting up a billboard outside the airport.

It said:

FREE XBOX 360 WITH EVERY FLIGHT TO NEW YORK

Yeah, that would do it...