There's One, Only!

PGHA: Where to put the terrorists?

Well, it seems like every Democrat, and many of the more spinally-challenged Republicans are crying at the plight of the detainees at GITMO, and are demanding... well demand is too strong a term, more like they are whining that GITMO should be closed down.

Of course none of them have put forward the first idea about what to do with the terrorists that are being held there once the camp has been closed down. I guess that would be too constructive an idea for their little political control circuits to handle.

So, in an effort to be friendly, Harvey over at Alliance HQ, asked us to help out and come up with some possible new locations to keep the terrorists.

My first thought was to make a Democrat put his money where his mouth is. Namely, to keep the terrorists in the famous Kennedy Compound in Hyannisport. But after a few moments thought, I realized that we wouldn't be able to guarantee the safety of the detainees, or any of the female military personnel. I'm not sure that we could afford the rent there either. Not to mention that we shouldn't be writing a check to another Socialist.

The next thought was to use Jackson's Neverland Ranch. But I'm pretty sure that just the thought of sending someone there would be considered cruel and unusual punishment. I'd even have to side with Amnesty International in protesting that location.

If we have a few years before the camp is closed, then my home county of Erie County, NY could be used. By then the entire population should be gone as the County Legislature continues to tax us into oblivion. Plus, with the welfare state that is already in existence, we would be in a position to take care of a bunch of free-loading terrorists who aren't actually producing anything while being in incarceration. But this could only be a solution if GITMO remained open for a few more years before being shut down.

I tried to think of places that have the pre-existing skills necessary to handle relatively large groups of grumpy people, and most of them had to be deemed inappropriate in some way or another. For example, if you put them in the visiting team's section of a football stadium, they would be possibly subject to contamination by the free-flowing alcohol usually found there, not to mention the cheerleaders.

A place like Disney World, has similar problems. I mean, if being forced to stand for hours in an un-air conditioned environment is torture, then the lines for Space Mountain or the Epcot Center put even the Gulags to shame. And I think the It's A Small World ride is in a torture class all it's own.

Hey, there's always the Hotel California. There's plenty of room at the Hotel California. Only one problem there; you can check out any time you want, but you can never leave.

Unfortunately, after several hours of thought, all of the other places that I could think of that would do as good a job of keeping the detainees as GITMO were all imaginary. Like the Matrix, that two-dimensional thing they put the bad guys into in Superman I and II, Isengard tower from The Lord of the Rings, ...North Dakota.

Of course all of them have problems as well. In the Matrix, there is always the possibility of THE ONE arising to destroy the Matrix and free everyone. With the Superman two-dimensional prison, there is no way to get any information out of the terrorists. Isengard would only hold the terrorists untill the Ents got bored and let them escape. And I'm pretty sure that North Dakota doesn't really exist. (Rumor has it, that the words "North Dakota" are only on maps in the same way that ancients used to put "Here be dragons." You know, just as filler.)

So, I guess in conclusion, I can't think of anyplace better for those terrorist detainees than where they are right now. And I'm guessing that unlike most of the Democratic Leadership, I actually sat down and thought about it for a while.

Addendum: Other places considered and discarded.

The floor of the United States Senate. They aren't using it for anything constructive, but it would really only hold 100 terrorists.

Frostbite Falls, Minnesota. [Boris]Moose and Squirrel are torturing Fearless Leader's followers.[/Boris]

Winn-Dixie. I heard that the chain is closing hundreds of it's stores. You would be able to spread the terrorists around to all of the closed stores, but the contamination from the deli sections would cause riots in the Moslem world.

Posted by GEBIV at June 22, 2005 09:03 PM