I went to a special doctor.

Thursday morning Greg accompanied me to a long and chaotic doctor's appointment.  I was supposed to see a "specialist" because my baby is measuring too small.  Sometimes I swear I don't even know if I believe in half the stuff doctors say we need to do.  It seems like they're always changing their minds. First red wine was bad for us now it's good for us now it's bad again.  You know?  I'm not saying I blame doctors.  I don't expect them to know everything.  But I also think I should be able to use my discretion and follow or not follow a doctor's orders based on how I feel or think about a situation.

For example, our baby doc said a week ago that I am measuring two weeks too small and that my baby is measuring in the 4th percentile.  This could be because the placenta isn't doing its job right and babe's not getting the nutrients she needs. That's enough to send anyone on an insane freak out, right?  But the thing is, in my heart I knew everything was fine.  My period was irregular before I got pregnant so it could easily be that our due date is a little off.  I have been measuring "small" my entire pregnancy, but I've still been growing at a normal rate, just always a bit behind.  I feel great.  My blood sugar is normal, my fluids are normal.  I am a small person and Greg is no giant himself.  So my intuition told me I was just fine.  I didn't want to see a specialist, I didn't want another doctor's appointment, I just wanted to trust myself that everything was going to be just A-ok

But then I started second guessing myself.  What if there is a problem and I ignore it and cause serious complications for my baby?  Also, this is not only my child.  It is Greg's too, (so he claims... I have my doubts) and Greg wanted to get the wee one checked out.

So that's how I found myself in a hospital on Thursday morning.  We waited for half an hour in labor and delivery before the people figured out we were at the wrong place and sent us down to radiology. But first we had to "check in"- which basically meant get all my insurance info and make sure I can pay for my services.  We waited at least half an hour before they even had us sign in.  It was beyond frustrating.

By the time we went back to radiology, it was 10:00.  We signed in at the desk and then waited. And waited. And waited.  If Greg hadn't been sitting my side, I would have walked right out of the hospital.  It was just such chaos, and I felt like the whole thing was totally useless.  Even 2048 got pretty old by that point.

Finally, at 10:45, we were taken back.  An ultrasound technician came in, poked my baby something fierce, and then got the special doctor.  He came in, probed some more, and said baby is totally fine, she's in the 28th percentile and we have nothing to worry about and don't need to come back.  We're likely a bit off on my due date, and I may deliver later than I think.

And that was it.

I am definitely relieved that it is nothing major.  Thanks to all of you who left kind comments on my blog post last weekend, or who left sweet messages on my instagram post.  Ya'll are the best.  Everything's ok around these parts and the lesson of the day is next time I'm following my gut and not showing up for "special" doctor's appointments.  

Amen and amen.

I spent the rest of the weekend in St. George, where the sun is blistering and the pools are many. My mom, a few of my siblings, and some cousins were spending a long weekend there for no other reason than that it's spring and we like each other and why don't we all go do something fun in the nice weather?  Greg had shows every night and a matinee on Saturday so I left him on his lonesome (R.I.P. Greg! Or something!) and enjoyed two straight days of sun, pool, tennis, cards.  It was great!

My uncle told me that I am starting to look "a little pg" (because apparently we're not allowed to say pregnant around these parts) and I slept like a freaking baby in the softest bed around.  Enough of a vacation recap for you?

And now.  Pictures!

  

^^  Nothing makes you feel quite as sexy as carrying a big old belly and waddling around a pool in a swimsuit that you're busting out of.

 ^^We went to an indoor pool one day.  I'm still confused why we did this, but sometimes in a big group, you just go with the flow.  This is my mom, uncle, aunt, and sister.  I took four pictures and this was the best one I could get of them, believe it or not.  Sorry, Glen.

^^ Marissa on my left and Cami all the way on the right are also both having babies this summer.  Katie is not having a baby this summer, but she's still freaking awesome.

^^ I kind of love this picture of my mom and her brother, Glen.  They are two peas in a pod.

Night tennis!  One of my very favorite things about summer.  Praise the Lord, I think it's finally here.

^^ My brother and his wife who is ALSO having a baby this summer.  We're out of control.

^^My sister and her husband.  I thought they were pretty adorable both reading by the pool.

And that's a wrap.  I never take as many pictures as I should, but sometimes you're just enjoying the moment too much, you know?

Now it's back to school for me.  Nine more days of teaching, a buttload of essays to grade, graduation and then I'M A FREE WOMAN!  This is the time of year when I realize how absolutely great it is to be a teacher.

I ain't got no time for a blog post

Sorry no post this morning.  After days of chaos, it's time to play just a little bit.  Don't mind if I do.

Some internet things to keep you busy this weekend:
14 cures for writing block
On jealousy and resentment.
A book you HAVE to read this summer.
This post about different kind of mothers from Natalie Jean was a total favorite for me.  Girl nailed it on the head.
I spent way too much looking at designs for these bad boys this week.  Which one is your favorite?
Loved this post from Talisha about getting older.  

When it comes to the mornings, I don't do anything the hard way

This shop is part of a social shopper marketing insight campaign with Pollinate Media Group® and Nestle, but all opinions are my own. #pmedia  #BreakfastEssentials 

http://my-disclosur.es/OBsstV

Confession:  For the last three years I have had nothing to eat for breakfast but Carnation Breakfast Essentials.

Or, as we affectionately call it around here, "Instant B."

As in, "Is there any more Instant B left?"

"Will you make me an Instant B?"

"Did you have an Instant B this morning?"

We're pretty much addicted.  (Random fact:  When we went to Hawaii a year ago our hotel had a mini fridge.  We put milk in it, bought ourselves a package of Instant Breakfast, and boom, we were set for breakfast for the week.)

Greg converted me to Instant Breakfast  (which I didn't know until I did this post is officially known as Carnation Breakfast Essentials.  Before I married him, I had whatever random crap I could find for breakfast.  An old apple. A frozen waffle.  A left over diet coke and half a piece of bread. You see, I have to be to work at the disgusting hour of 7 am every morning.  I sleep until 6:30.  That means I have exactly 15 minutes to get ready in the morning and exactly 15 minutes to drive to work.  It doesn't leave much time for me to sit down and enjoy a nice breakfast. (My motto has always been that in order of morning importance, sleep always trumps food.)  That's why in college and my first year of teaching, it was whatever food was easy to grab with me and run.

Now, I've fully converted to Carnation Breakfast Essentials.  It is easy and convenient AND I'm still getting the nutrients and vitamins that I need for the morning.  I drink my Insta B in the morning and I don't have to worry or think about food for another four hours.  It has gotten me through many a first period class, I tell you that, and it is MUCH healthier for me than a bowl of sugary cereal or a diet coke, my old go to.

When I am in a dead rush, my Instant B breakfast consists of me pouring milk in a cup and adding the powder.  Usually, I just throw the little package in my purse and dart off the door with a cup of milk in hand.  (I have sat in the back of many faculty meetings, stirring up my little cup of instant breakfast.)  Even when this is all I can do, it's still delicious and filling.  It doesn't have the weird after taste that a lot of protein shakes do.  It seriously tastes just like chocolate milk.  (Also, I LOVE the strawberry variety.  Less stores carry it and it's harder to find, but when you do see it on the shelves, snatch up a couple of boxes.  It is heavenly!)

When I have three extra minutes, I like to make an instant breakfast smoothie.  It is almost just as easy, but offers a little more substance.  My go to smoothie is easy as can be and gives me a little extra protein and fruit for the morning.  You want me to show you how to make it?  Alright, fine, you talked me in to it.  I'm warning you though, I'm a gourmet chef, and this recipe is really complicated...

 Ingredients= Milk + ice + banana + peanut butter + instant breakfast.  It is alarmingly easy.  I promise you, when it comes to food in the morning, I don't do anything the hard way.

I use a nice, fat spoonful of peanut butter and about half a glass of milk. (I know, I know, my measuring abilities are insane!)  To make it thicker and colder, I like to use a frozen banana, but if I haven't been quite on the ball enough to freeze bananas ahead of time. it's just as good to use a fresh banana. (Also, I've made the mistake of putting a whole banana in before and then the banana just takes over the whole dang smoothie. Stick to half a banana if you know what's good for you.)

Ta da!

Don't be deceived.  I never relax and enjoy my breakfast like this.  It's always in the car, at a faculty meeting, or in my classroom before first period starts.  But this is how it looks on Saturday morning, at least!

If you want more recipes for your Carnation Breakfast Essentials, click here.  So many great recipes to make breakfast that much easier.

Oh, and right now you can get $1 off with this coupon at Walmart.  (Also, I have bought this product at every grocery store imaginable, and I can promise you, it's cheapest at Walmart.  Take it from me!)

And don't forget to like Carnation Breakfast Essentials on facebook.  Boo yah!

Being an adult

May 13, 2014

9:28 p.m.

Pictures from right now.

Right this second.

At my apartment.

I'm home alone tonight.  Greg is performing a show (Peter Pan at Hale Center Theatre in Orem- see it!) and Maverick is out for the count, so I'm home doing the nesting thing.  Our little redheaded furball had his manhood taken away today, and as a result he's as tired and calm as I've ever seen him.  He's incredibly playful by nature- always jumping up and down, greeting whoever walks in the door, begging you to throw a tennis ball for him.  It kind of breaks my heart to see him like this, just lying around, hardly able to move.  I suspect he's also mourning the fact that he will never be papa to any baby Mavericks.  Sorry, bud, it just wasn't meant to be.  We already have one procreating couple in this apartment- there's just not room for another.

I've grown to really enjoy my nights home alone.  When I first got married, I hated it.  I was used to the hustle and bustle of college life, of roommates, of something always going on.  Now I revel in the stillness.  I make myself a simple dinner, watch Jeopardy at 6:30, clean up the house a little bit, read, write on my blog, pet my puppy, take a bath.  Somewhere in the back of my head I know that this will come to a screeching halt soon- that there will be a little girl demanding my attention, forcing me to put the book down.  But still.  I'm optimistic enough to think that her presence will only enhance my nights home alone.  Me, baby girl, and Maverick.  Couldn't ask for anything more.

Maverick was so sweet this afternoon.  I came home from work and Greg had just brought him home from the vet.  He was so drugged up and could hardly move.  But he reacted to me, wagged his little tail, tried to get up.  I admit that it is crazy to me that a puppy like this knows who I am, gets excited when he sees me.  I can't believe I have the power to make an animal happy at my arrival- to try to stand up in the midst of his pain.  He cuddled close to me, resting his little body against my growing belly.  "Look, Bon," Greg said, "It's Maverick's and baby's first time cuddling."  Yes, indeed it was.

I have been a bit worried about this growing bump of mine the past few days.  Everyone tells me I'm small, and I know it is supposed to be a compliment, but it worries me.  The doctor said Monday that I am not growing like I should be.  That both baby and I are measuring small- too small.  He put us in a little bit of a panic when he said that the baby is in the 4th percentile for size.  I'm 29 1/2 weeks, but measuring closer to 27 1/2 weeks.  The main concern, he said, would be that she's not getting the nutrients she needs from the placenta.  He added on that fluid levels are totally normal, heart beat for baby is normal, and heavens knows she moves all day every day.  If she's small it's probably because she exercises so dang much in there- I swear she thinks she's training for the Olympics.

Tomorrow we'll go to the hospital to Labor and Delivery and they'll do some tests and hopefully tell us that everything is fine and that the baby is indeed getting all the nutrients she needs, she's just little.  And she'll be fine.  I understand that doctors have to cover their own backs with stuff like this- have to run tests just to be safe even when the chances are 99% that you'll be just fine.  I hate the added stress though.  Greg started worrying like crazy- that's just his nature.  I kept telling him "Don't borrow trouble.  We're fine."  He said he didn't know that for certain, and I said he's right, but stressing for three days never helped anyone anywhere.

On top of all of this, we are house hunting.  Our lease on our apartment expires on July 31 and now that we're looking at staying here for at least the next five years, it doesn't make sense to rent anymore.  I've been a Nazi with our money (Greg absolutely loathes the word "budget" while I keep trying to force a strict one on him) the past few years and we've managed to save a good amount for a little down payment.  Hopefully we can get into a nice town home and we will once and for all know what it is like to live in a place that is larger than one bedroom.  Can you even imagine such luxury?!

I am feeling more adult than ever lately.  Sometimes it is a wonder to me that I am all grown up.  I've had a full time job for four years now, so I guess I'm used to that.  Still.  There are moments when I have to sit back in awe and just wonder at how I got from where I was to where I am.  When an 18 year old boy asks me if he can go to the bathroom.  When I wake up in the night to the sound of Greg's steady breathing beside me.  When I feel the weight of my round tummy.  When I get a call from an agent saying my car insurance payment is due.  When a parent comes to me in tears telling me of her child's drug addiction and I feebly try to comfort her.  How can it be that I am already an adult?

I guess, when it comes down to it, I feel pretty blessed.  There are ups and down and jolts and turns that you never see coming, but at the end of the day, being an adult ain't half bad.

Welcome to May. Also known as you will never sleep again.

It's May.

May is the busy time of year.

It's the-students-go-buck-wild-and-you-want-to-tear-your-hair-out time of year.

It's the weather-is-nice-and-no-one-wants-to-be-inside time of year.

It's the your-best-friend-is-moving time of year.

The try-not-to-crazy-as-you-plan-your-summer-vacation-and-realize-everything-is-already-booked time of year.

The get-ready-for-baby-and-go-to-lots-of-doctor's-appointments time of year.

The grading-papers-until-your-eyes-fall-out-of-your-head time of year.

The start-looking-at-buying-a-house-and-making-big-people-decisions time of year.

The get-your-dog-neutered time of year.

The students-are-AP-testing-time-of year.

The when-was-the-last-time-you-changed-your-oil time of year.

The wedding-reception time of year.

The have-you-bought-your-mom-a-mothers-day-gift-and-if-you-thought-she-was-hard-to-shop-for-try-shopping-for-your-mother-in-law time of year.

IT'S THE EVERYTHING TIME OF YEAR.

Which is exactly why I spent an hour last night playing 2048 on my bed.  Nothing but swiping numbers.  Down. Left. Down. Right. Down. (But never up!  That's the secret, you see!)  Sometimes when there is too much to deal with I just turn off.

Welcome to May.

Is it June yet?

Bing in the Classroom

One thing I've learned working in public schools is that the majority of parents are totally unaware of what their children are doing online.  I am convinced that every parent needs to buckle up and take themselves a hard core online safety course.

Well, Bing has come out with a new, safe way to search in the classroom.  Bing in the Classroom removes annoying ads and blocks any searches being used for personal advertising through the school's network.  That means that my students can have an ad free, distracted free search and can focus more fully on the work ahead of them.  Bing offers this ad free search for all schools which also includes "strict filters for adult content and enhanced privacy protection." (Trust me, any distractions I can take away from seventeen year olds on a computer, the better.)

It is amazing to see how much more students can do today than even I could when I was in high school ten years ago.  So much of this is due to the internet- teenagers are exposed to a constant wealth of information and knowledge.  Unfortunately, they don't always know how to wade through this info and this is why I love Bing in the Classroom for taking away the ads and the distractions to make it that much easier for students.  (This ad free searching is only available through a school network.)

You can support Bing in the Classroom by visiting the Bing For Classrooms Show Support Page.  You can also sign up for Bing rewards to start supporting schools right away.  Instructions to sign up for Bing rewards are pasted below:

"To begin supporting schools with Bing rewards, simply visit this page and select “Find your school” map in the lower right corner of the page. 

Next, enter your school’s zip code and select the name of your school via the dropdown menu and select “Find”. 

From here, select the “Support Your School” section and click on the “Try it now, FREE!” section. You’ll be prompted to create a Microsoft account, or sign in with your Facebook account. All you have to do is stay signed in as you search with Bing to earn credits."

Today's post is sponsored by Bing and #adfreesearch.  Please and thank you.

To Mother

This year I am a "mother in waiting", so Mother's Day yesterday triggered a lot of thoughts about what it means to be a mother.

I always love seeing everybody's posts on social media about how awesome their moms are.  I think it's very sweet.  I am aware, though, of how hard the day is for some... friends who have lost their moms, friends who will never be moms in this life, friends who recently lost a child or a pregnancy or can't get pregnant.  For those, the day is, no doubt, marred by sadness.

I have one literal "mother", but if I look at the word as a verb, there are countless people who have "mothered" me over the years.  I like to think of the term mother as more of a verb than a noun, putting it more as a celebration for everyone, regardless of one's technical "mother" status. A celebration of all the people who have in some way taught us, loved us, cared for us, looked out for us, helped us, protected us, shown us kindness.

Because that's what it means to be a mother.

I'm grateful for how my mom mothered me when she told me stop being "caddy" in high school and be nice to other girls.  I'm grateful that she taught me the incredible power of a strong female relationship.

I'm grateful for my mother in law who taught me to keep the pit in an avocado to keep it fresh, and how to check asparagus for where it is tender.

I'm grateful for my dad who mothered me when I wrecked the station wagon my senior year of high school and he made me go out every Saturday afternoon in the garage with him and together we learned how to repair the old thing.

I'm grateful for my father in law who mothers me when he changes the oil in my car and helps me pay for new break pads and asks how the tread on my tires is doing.

I'm grateful for my friend who mothered me when she sent me a cute little baby outfit in the mail last week.

I'm grateful for my AP Literature teacher in high school who mothered me when he taught me about the power of literature, of story telling, of a good teacher.  I'm grateful for his example and the inspiration he was to me to go into the teaching field.

I'm grateful for my friend who mothered me when she picked me up from the dentist after I got my wisdom teeth taken out and changed the bloody gauze in my mouth for me.

I'm grateful for the teacher across the hall who mothered me throughout all of December when hardly anyone knew I was pregnant yet, and I felt so sick I could barely teach.  She popped her head in my room every morning to make sure I was feeling okay and brought me little gifts to keep me going.

I'm grateful for my sister who mothered me when she told me she didn't think it was a good idea for me to go to Russia eight months pregnant.

I'm grateful for my husband who mothered me when I got in a car wreck in California last month, and he called every six minutes to make sure I was still okay.

I'm grateful for the coworker from my old school who just emailed telling me there is a recent theater job opening that my husband might be interested in if he hasn't already been hired.

I'm grateful for my grandma who mothered me by teaching me to touch a boy's elbow if I'm interested in him, and to always smile a lot on first dates if I ever want to see a second date.

I'm grateful to my brother who mothered me when he picked me up from the airport right on time, threw my suitcases in the car, and sped home so I could make a wedding in the nick of time.

I'm grateful for my roommate who mothered me by scratching my back and listening to me cry after my dad died.

I'm grateful for my mission companion who mothered me when she made me an egg and green pepper sandwich every morning and straightened my shoes at night.

When I stop to think about it, I have had so many mothers in my life, people who have come in and out, shown me love, shown me kindness, taught me.  Thank you to all.  May I be as good as a mother to others as they have been for me.

You wanna see my house?

Well, well, well.  Looks like the folks at Kleenex recently wised up to something.

You see, people don't like ugly tissue boxes sitting around their houses.  So we stash them in corners and bathrooms and purses.  Now, maybe, just maybe, if I could get a Kleenex box that was well styled and looked more like decoration than tissue...THEN I'd set the Kleenex out in the open where anyone can enjoy it.

Both Greg and I have allergies in a bad way this time of year.  With the new design of Kleenex boxes, it is SO nice that we can have a convenient little tissue box in every room of the house without looking like some invalid's diseased home.

Check out all their new designs here.  There are enough colors and designs to match any room in your home.  You will love it!

^^ A red, floral print to bring out the red in our front room.

^^ Or, a black one to match the couches.  (For another great black option, I love the black and white animal print found here.)

^^ Can you see the tissue box?  It's a cylinder!  You can hardly even tell that it's Kleenex!  I told you, they wised up!

^^ I love both the lighter blue stripes seen in the first pictures and this darker blue with gold for our bedroom.  Both work perfectly and aren't overbearing or obnoxious.

The new Kleenex boxes are found at any major retailer where Kleenex are sold.  Make sure to click here to check out the designs and find the perfect one for you before you hit the stores!  (There's even a style finder quiz- you know we all have our own unique Kleenex style!)

Thank you to Kleenex for sponsoring today's post.

The state of the union address: AP style

Today my students took their AP Literature test.  The test started at 8 am downstairs in the school's tech atrium.

I was a nervous wreck.

Ten minutes before the test started, I bailed out of my first period junior class to check on my AP kids.  I was afraid they'd be nervous or scared or lost or alone.  You know, babies in the wilderness or something. I rushed down there, imagining all sorts of absurd possibilities, and there they all were, the whole freaking gang of nine of them, just sitting at their tables, waiting for the test to start.  They looked strangely chipper for being about to embark on a 3 hour test that consists of 55 multiple choice questions and three essays.  It broke my heart the way I imagine it would when a mom sends her boy off to college.  All grown up now.  Don't need their teacher anymore.

"Any last words you have for them, Mrs. Larsen?" The counselor asked.

Yes, actually, I thought.  Tons.
Carpe diem!
Read the prompt thoroughly!
Return with honor!
Pace yourselves!
Remember who you are!
No matter what happens I'll always love you!
You're all winners!

But I didn't say any of that because none of that really means anything when you're staring a three hour test in the face.

Instead I said, "I'm just so glad no one slept in." And I found my way back upstairs.

All morning I thought about those kids.  Teaching AP Lit this year has been an extremely rewarding and humbling experience.  I did not feel at all prepared or qualified to teach it. The AP Lit class at my school has always been small, and when I agreed to teach it last spring I had no idea what a struggling program it was.  In August I looked at my roll and was shocked to see only eight kids in the class.  During the course of the year we lost one kid and picked up two and by the time we arrived to today, May 8, we were nine.

All nine of the kids in the class took the test.  I don't know that all nine will pass.  But they all took it.  And that's something I'm extremely proud of.  At an AP conference I went to in October the presenter said how important it is to encourage students to take the test, regardless of whether you think they will pass or not.  He said that on a college application a student who has taken an AP class, and taken the test and failed it shows much more character and resilience than a student who took the class but never took the test.  A student who failed the test shows tenacity, shows a willingness to fight, to see the thing through even in the face of failure.  A student who takes the class but not the test shows someone who gave up.

And that's why no matter if they pass or fail, I'm just so darn proud of them for going through with it.  For paying the $92, for waking up early, for stressing all through March and April for their test and arriving here to May 8, to tackle the thing head on.  I'm especially proud of my girl who gets so nervous on her practice essays that half the time she doesn't write them at all.  I'm especially proud of my boy who took and failed two AP tests last year, but is here again this year, giving it another go.  None of these kids come from very wealthy or privileged families and the fact that all nine of them were in there this morning, smiling and staring back at me almost made me want to just sit right there and cry.

I normally teach the AP class from 11:30-1:00.  Their test today was scheduled to go until about noon.  I sat in my room, during the regular scheduled AP time and didn't know what to do with myself.  I had commanded them all to check in with me right after the test to tell me how it went.  So I looked at the clock and looked at the door and tried to keep my mind occupied by online shopping.  (I also broke my May goal of not making unnecessary purchases.  And so it goes.)

At about 11:45 the six girls poked their heads in. (The three boys, interestingly enough, had hightailed it out of the school.  Can't say I blame them.)  They said it was easier than they thought!  Multiple choice was a piece of cake.  They sailed through it.  The essays were a breeze!

I breathed a sigh of relief in that moment that I didn't know I had been keeping for the past four hours.  I wanted to cry again.  Gosh I just felt so stinkin proud of them.  Manhandling that test like the true champions they are.  We talked for about 20 minutes and they told me every single thing they could remember about the test before they begged me to let them go get some lunch already.  They filed out and as they left I felt happy but also sad.  So sad.

Next year I am not teaching AP Literature.  My school cut the class.  There weren't enough students enrolled- 15 were signed up to take it and my principal said he needed at least 20-25 students per class to carry it for next year.  When I asked him if I could go part time next year he said that the AP Lit class would likely be affected, that with less class periods being taught he would have to "trim the fat."  AP Literature= fat.  AP Lit competes with both AP Language and English 1010 for senior English credits, both classes that are taught by fabulous teachers.  AP Lit just isn't strong enough to stand on its own two legs.

I can't help feel a little bit like a failure for not being able to keep the AP Lit program running.  I am passionate about literature and believe strongly in the power of the class- the power of stories, of novels, the study of people from all different cultures, times, places.  But I couldn't keep it going.  Colleges are giving less and less credit for AP Lit now as literature gets pushed out of states' curriculum for nonfiction reading and argumentative writing.  I guess literature isn't practical enough.  I understand but I don't understand too.

Naturally I wonder if I weren't going part time if I would have been able to convince my principal to keep the class.  If I could have saved it.  If it was something I did wrong, some way that I didn't teach it good enough, that I didn't give enough, that I didn't try hard enough to recruit students to take the class for next year.  It was hard to not feel guilty as I looked at my nine worn out AP students late this morning, tired, but so proud for their efforts.  One girl said, "I heard you're not teaching this class next year?  Why not?"  I tried to explain it to them, and as I tried I realized that I didn't even really know except for schools get money and you can only do what money will let you.  Plain and simple, not enough students signed up for the class.

I had felt kind of okay about the death of AP Literature at my school until today.  But when those girls came back up to tell me about the test and I could see the physical relief in their shoulders and the look of prideful accomplishment in their eyes, I knew I had to keep fighting for the class.  I knew that it has value and worth and that it is important to offer at the school.  I knew that I was capable of teaching it.  It might not happen for next year, but gosh, I'm going to find a way to make sure that this is not a permanent death for AP Literature.

Just a short nap.

Let's do this, third trimester.

29 weeks.  6 1/2 months.

Dress:  F21, Cardigan: Gap, Undertee: H&M, Necklace: Mia Earrings (Use code lifeofbon20 for 20% off), shoes: Gap

There's a mad shadow on the wall and somehow a basket filled to the brim with shoes made it into these "fashion" pictures, but these days I'm just not being too picky about what the pictures of me wearing clothes look like.  Oh, and ignore the heavy black leggings I'm wearing underneath my sheer, bright sundress.  Students get to see way too much of my legs if I try to sport that dress otherwise. Pervs.

Someone somewhere decided that they were going to divide a pregnancy up into three stages.  My guess is that person was a man.  Trimesters just don't make sense.  To start with, a pregnancy is 40 weeks and 40 weeks does not divide evenly into three.  Around the world people are confused.  When does the first trimester end?  When does the third trimester begin? 26 weeks?  No, 28!  How about 26 and 2/3 weeks?  (And how do you get 2/3 of a week... I mean, how many days is that?!?)

Yes.  It was definitely a man who invented pregnancy trimesters.  That, or the 14 year old boys that write the pregnancy websites.

I've done a little bit of thought.  Pregnancy should really be divided up into quarters.  40 divides by 4 a heckuva lot easier than it does by 3, I'll tell you that much.

Quarter 1:  Through 10 weeks:  This is the "I can't get out of bed and I feel sick every single day" quarter.  It's a real gem, quarter one.
Quarter 2:  11-20 weeks: This is also known as the "You look fat, but not pregnant stage."  It's a very ambiguous time.
Quarter 3: 21-30 weeks:  The "pregnancy is fun" stage!  You look definitely pregnant! But still cute!  You feel great.  Your husband gives you lots of massages!
Quarter 4: 31-40 weeks:  The miserable stage....?!  I don't know.  I've only heard rumors.

See?  My system makes a lot more sense.

In other news, a student misspelled his own name on his paper today.  It's May 7, 2014 and I am officially giving up for the rest of the year.

56 ways you know you went to BYU...

1.  You got stoked every time you were off campus and you could get a "real" coke- you know, one with caffeine.

2.  Your significant other stopped kissing you at midnight because they had to go home.  If they didn't, your roommates would surely rat you out.

3.  You often waited in line for over an hour... to take a test.

4.  If you are a boy, you weren't allowed to take said test because you forgot to shave your face that morning.

5.  If you are a girl, you weren't allowed to take a test because you were wearing leggings.

6.  You had a crush on your EQP or RSP.

7.  You know what EQP and RSP mean.

8.  Your Book of Mormon class was one of the hardest classes you ever took.

9.  On Friday night you camped out in line three or four hours to see a Divine Comedy show.  And loved every minute of it.

10.  Your favorite sport was ultimate frisbee.  A close second was crab soccer.

11.  The biggest scandals reported in the "Campus Beat" crime section of the newspaper involved freshman premies throwing water balloons off of their dorm building.

12.  You know what a premie is.

13.  You know someone who got engaged and married in four months.

14.  You got engaged and married in four months.

15. Every year you had a new set of friends because the old ones got married.

16. All the guys you knew sold security or bug control in the summer and impressed the girls with their tales of making $100k in just four months.

17. You didn't think twice when a kid added a scripture reference to his comment in Chemistry class.

18. Landlords could charge an arm and a leg for the housing you lived in because it was "BYU approved."

19. You were embarrassed to say your age if you were over 22 and single.

20. You took American Heritage twice.  Okay fine.  Three times.

21. Half of the time you went to the library to study and the other half of the time it was to find a date.

22. You know who B-Money is.

23. You never saw a girl's thighs or shoulders on campus.

24. You know what the term "V.L" means.

25. You hiked "the Y" with a bunch of single and over ambitious people your age and hated every second of it.  But you pretended you liked it.

26. When you hear the word marriage, you think of it as an option for a possible major.

27. You pull an all nighter... to study.

28. It wasn't uncommon to have a girl in class with her baby.

29. You bailed on FHE and watched The Bachelor instead, but then got a guilt trip from your roommate about it.

30. You made the mistake of trying to go to a store or restaurant on campus on a Tuesday at 11:00 am and hated yourself for it.

31. You attended more bridal showers than birthday parties.

32. After trying to flirt with them for half an hour, you notice the good looking person sitting next to you in the WILK has a wedding ring on.

33. You spent time kissing your significant other at the bells on campus.  Or when it got real hot and steamy, squaw peak.

34. You saw a lot of mom jeans and braided belts.

35. Every morning you cursed the stairs on 800 north that went up to campus.

36. You thought nothing of starting class with a prayer.

37. You followed someone walking to their car so that you could get their parking spot.  Or better yet, you gave them a ride.  Good Samaritan!

38. You know and understand the term "NCMO."  Maybe a little too well.

39. You were one of the brightest students in your high school and now you can't score above a 70% on anything.

40. You love all your fellow men.  Unless they go to the U.  Then they need to stay the hell away from you.

41. You laughed at the above point, but then felt guilty because it has the word "hell" in it.

42. You occasionally saw members of the Renaissance club wearing robes and wielding swords on the lawn and thought nothing of it.

43. You often saw boys trying to seduce girls by playing their guitar and singing for them.

44. You believed (and still believe) that Jimmer is a verb.

45. You went to a "creamery" to do your grocery shopping.

46. You called you professor "Brother Davis" instead of "Mr. Davis."

47. You tried not to stare when you saw a black person on campus.

48. Nearby apartment complexes offered a "marriage guarantee."

49. Every spring you got ready for your interview to see if you were following all the rules and could still go to BYU for the next year.

50. You had your car towed on numerous occasions.  Once it was towed when you only ran in somewhere for 15 minutes.

51. The only people who lived in the same building as you were your same gender.

52. You went to a lot of parties on weekends, but there wasn't ever any alcohol there.

53. People napping in the hallways was common.  Couples napping and cuddling in the hallways was also common.

54. Your roommate told you they scored an 85% on the test that you scored an 83% on, and you suddenly felt insanely jealous and competitive.

55. You attended the festival of colors and then immediately changed your facebook profile picture to a shot with you covered in chalk.

56. You didn't consider yourself in a legit relationship until you had properly DTRed it.

(If you went to BYU go, go to BYU, or can relate to any of this post, please share!)

Terror and Trust: Going off the pill

Pictures taken the night we found out we were expecting a baby.

I started blogging because I like stories.  I like to listen to stories and tell stories and read stories.

So here's a story.

In June of last year, Greg and I were enjoying a few days at my family's cabin.  The day before we had found out that we had been scammed out of $1200.  After two days at the cabin we would drive straight to Boise to board a plane to go to Hawaii.  I was supposed to be excited, but mostly I was stressed.  Losing $1200 will do that to even the most calm of people.

The few days in the mountains were a necessary reprieve for us.  We left the heat, stress, the craziness of the city where it belonged and fled to the cabin.  We had lost $1200, yes, but it seemed to matter less at the cabin.  There were long, late breakfasts and afternoons of tennis.  Campfires and card games.  Naps and barbeques.  The world seemed to slow down for a few days so we could catch our breath and re examine what was really important.

All of my siblings but one were there. (We missed you, Mindy!)  All of my siblings except for my little sister have kids.  There were children everywhere.  In the garage and in the loft.  On the fourwheelers and on the swingset.  Running on the tennis court and crying for dinner.

Greg loves children and he wore himself out playing with my nieces and nephews.  He worked tirelessly to win their affection.  He played and joked and told stories to beat the band.

Our last night at the cabin, Greg and I sat on the swinging chair on the front deck.  It was almost dinner time.  Inside there was the usual commotion of preparing a meal and hungry children.  Outside the weather was perfect.  There was a slight breeze and the heat of the day was wearing off.  The sun was lowering in the sky.

"Bonnie," said Greg as we swung, "I want my own kids."

"I know you do, sweetie," I replied.  "You will make a great father someday."

"Bon, I'm not talking about someday."

I was taken aback.  "What does that mean?"

"I'm talking about now.  I'm talking about trying now.  Not waiting any longer."

I resisted.  "You said we wouldn't have kids until we've been married three or four years."

"We've been married two and a half.  If we start trying now by the time we have a kid it will be three to four years."

"Now?"

"Now, Bonnie.  I'm tired of playing with someone else's kids. I want my own.  I want to be the parent."

I searched for reasons not to.  Selfish reasons came to my head- we hadn't been back to visit his mission in Russia yet, we didn't have enough money saved yet, I didn't want to be tied down yet, I didn't want to get fat yet.

"Bonnie!  Greg!  Come in for dinner!"  My brother shouted out to us.

"Greg," I tried to protest, "I'm just so scared.  I'm not ready."

"And that's fine," he said.  "You don't have to be ready yet.  But know that I am."

"How can you be ready?  Our life is a mess.  We have nothing figured out."

"Maybe this will help us figure it out."

"I feel like that's a terrible reason to have a baby."

"Maybe.  Maybe not."

I sat in silence for a minute, letting the proposal sink in.  I had thought we would wait at least another year to start trying.  Suddenly every "someday" in my life felt immediate, pressing, urgent.

"Just think about it,"  Greg said.  "I don't expect your decision right away, I just want to plant the idea in your head.  Just know that I'm ready whenever you are."

"Bonnie!  Greg!  Come on!  We're all waiting for you!"  My mom was yelling for us this time.

We left the conversation there, to settle in with the swing and sagebrush and setting sun.

We went inside.  Someone said a prayer on the food.  Greg squeezed my hand three times, our secret code.  I. Love. You.

For the next few days I let the idea float around in my head.  Could I be ready now to have a baby?  Could I be ready in nine months?  Eleven?  A year?

We spent one more day at the cabin and I didn't say a word about it.  On Saturday we made a 6 1/2 hour drive up to Boise.  That night we went out to dinner.  Neither of us mentioned it, but I could tell by the look on Greg's face that it was constantly on his mind.  He had a certain sparkle in his eye, a certain mischief.

Sunday morning our flight was delayed.  Greg wanted to watch ESPN in our hotel room.  I was antsy as can be.  I knew with a six hour flight coming up that the last thing I could do was sit in a room.  So I went for a walk.  Toured the great city of Boise.

I let the thought fly around up there along with the other thoughts that are constantly swirling around like what kind of gas mileage are we getting and what are we eating for dinner?   I tried to come up with some substantial, good reasons to keep waiting.  But I really couldn't come up with much.  My 27th birthday was a week away... even if we started trying now I'd be 28 by the time I had my first child.  A few of my siblings have had trouble getting pregnant.  What if we couldn't get pregnant?  What if it were a three year process and then I was 31 by the time I had my first child and it took four years to get pregnant with another.  I was possibly limiting the number of children I'd be able to have, and for what reason?  Because 27 seemed too young to start trying?  Because I liked my schedule of teaching, blogging, and eating limitless amounts of guacamole?

And so I decided.  Just like that.  I just didn't have any reason not to, and it may be a weird reason to decide to get pregnant, but for me it was enough.  I don't know that I would have ever been the type of person to get 100% stoked and high on life thinking about babies.  I was never going to be so ready for kids that I was doing cartwheels.  I'm just not the type.  But when I thought about it that Sunday morning, strolling the streets of Boise, I felt peace.  And that was enough.

On our plane ride to Hawaii I whispered to Greg that I was willing to start trying.  He didn't stop smiling the rest of the way over there.

Now, almost a full year later, the doctor tells me that there is indeed a baby growing inside of me and that in approximately 12 weeks this baby will force herself out of me, with or without my consent.  I can not keep that baby in, no matter what I do.

I admit that the thought terrifies me.  I am one of the few pregnant people I know who wishes that pregnancy could go longer than 40 weeks.  I enjoy playing tennis whenever I want, reading on my balcony alone, indulging in long hot bubble baths.  I love teaching, I love snuggling in bed with my husband, I love sleeping in on Saturdays.  In three months that will all be gone, given up and thrown to the wind.

I don't think I'm ready to have a baby.  I don't have a crib set up and I know nothing about breastfeeding and the only birth plan I have is EPIDURAL NOW.  Sometimes I almost feel guilty for this, I look at other moms and how excited they are to have their children and wonder if I'm missing some womanly link.  Why aren't I as anxious as they are to meet their baby right this second?  Why do I want to hang on to my non-mother life just a little longer?  At lunch the other day a teacher started telling me that I can take castor oil and have my baby come two weeks early.  I opened my eyes wide and thought to myself, "Why in the world would I want her two weeks early?!  I'm going to have her for the rest of my life!"

Going off of birth control was honestly the most terrifying decision I have ever made.  I think back to that conversation on the swing though, the earnestness in Greg's eyes, his pleading.  I remember his excitement on the plane, how he kissed me hard and said, "WHAT?!" when I told him I was willing to try.  I remember that morning walk in Boise and the peace.  The absolute peace.

And the truth is that I do know I'll love it, despite the fear.  Fear has been the precursor to every good decision I have ever made in my life.  It preceded my moving to college, my mission, my marriage, my teaching career.  I don't know if Heavenly Father has ever showered me more abundantly with blessings than when I have been trembling with fear.

So I suppose I'll sit here, shaking in my boots and scared to death, and say... bring it on.

But please.  Let her come at least a week late.

---

Today I've got my friend Jessica who wants to tell you about a product that she is passionate about, Plexus.  Plexus was originally developed to help diabetics regulate glucose levels, but when users started losing weight and cholesterol levels dropped, it became marketed as a weight loss supplement. Plexus Slim helps keep blood sugar, cholesterol, and lipids at healthy levels. Plexus reduces appetite, cravings for carbs, sugar, and junk food, and reduces binge eating.  It’s so simple no shakes or special food needed. Just take one packet of Plexus Slim (kind of like a crystal light single-serving packet), mix with water, drink in the morning, and go on about your day! There is also an optional once (or twice) a day accelerator capsule that you can take for that extra boost of energy and a kick-start to your weight loss.  Plexus is so confident that you will fall in love with their product that they offer a 60-DAY MONEY BACK GUARANTEE, no questions asked!  For those of you who are interested and want to experience the benefits of Plexus Slim, I have a 3-day trial of Plexus Slim giveaway! Whoever is chosen will receive the choice of a Slim Trial or a Slim and Accelerator Trial!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

April + May goals

I took this picture all by myself.

I've come a long way with my photography skills.

Be proud.

I know it's cliche, but freak, I can't believe April is over.  April and May are always the two months that speed by the fastest for me.  One second it's April Fool Days and the next moment I'm chaperoning graduation.  I think it's because I wait and wait and wait for spring and then when it's finally here, I'm just so dang excited that before I even realize what has happened it's gone already.

Today it's time to analyze some April goals.  This year, instead of making New Year's resolutions I set one main goal for each month.  The idea is that by focusing on one thing, I would be more successful.  The idea is more or less stolen from The Happiness Project. (Full post here.)  

Here's what I wrote about April's goals:

APRIL:  FOCUS ON FAITH
I try to make God a part of my daily life, but sometimes it all just gets so hustley and bustley that I feel like He about dang near gets crowded out completely.  In April I want to spend more time contemplating the spiritual and developing deeper connections with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

Sub goals:
- 30 minutes of "quiet time" a day- time to read scriptures, ponder, and write down spiritual impressions.  Tell Greg my plan so he is not trying to distract me while I am working on this.
- Attend the temple every week in April.
- Deeper focus during prayers.
- Be patient and loving.  Pray for help throughout the day when I feel like I am lacking.

How I did:

In the overall category, I felt like I did well.  I spent more time "contemplating the spiritual" and I felt God helping me in so many ways.  This month I kind of felt like God just put all the pieces of my life together for me.  Not that he made everything perfect, but that He showed me again that He is there and I can stop stressing now.  He's in control.  So yah.  I consider the month a success.

As far as sub goals go, I was about half and half.  I did go to the temple every week in April.  It was pretty amazing for me to see that increased spirituality.  I feel closer to God in the temple than any other place and I needed that extra assurance and love from Him this month.  (See this post on temples.)  I did better with more focused prayers and with being more patient and loving.  (I adopted a motto from The Happiness Project:  "Act the way you want to feel."  I repeated it to myself when I felt frustrated or annoyed with a situation or a person and it seriously helped so much.)

The only thing I didn't do well on was the thirty minutes of "quiet time" a day.  I really didn't make it a priority and if I'm being honest I probably got anywhere from 5-10 minutes of quiet time a day.  Not enough.  I started the New Testament and read the book of Matthew and in to Mark as well as listened to lots of LDS general conference talks while I walked my dog, but it didn't have quite the same feel as sitting down and pondering the scriptures.  Something to work on for next time.  

And now, on to next month!

MAY:  SAVE
Greg and I will likely have some big expenses coming up (June's goal is to go to Europe! July's goal is to push a baby out of me!) so I want May to be a month of absolute loyalty to my bank account.  No spending other than what is absolutely necessary- gas, groceries, etc.  It's only for a month.  I can do it.

Confession:  I bought a maternity swimsuit on Saturday and already broke my "absolutely necessary" rule.  But come on, "absolutely necessary" is all so relative anyway, isn't it?  I only bought the top, I told myself I already had bottoms that would work, and I did get it 10% off because there was some make up on it.  I bought it at Target so it only ended up being $23.... given I am planning on pretty much living in the pool the next few months I'd say it was absolutely necessary.

But no more spending for the rest of the month!  I am a big enough dork that I strangely really get into it when I make myself not spend like this.  I can be a real freaking miser when I want to be.

Update on other goals:

January:  Grow my blog

February: Write a book

March: Be a better wife

I am working extra hard on my blog and have seen growth every month... I'm hoping to hit a major milestone in May and get 100,000 pageviews for the month.  In April I worked on my book less as I took over my classes again and went out of state twice.  There just wasn't any time!  But I attended a fabulous writer's conference and my new goal is to just write 15 minutes a day.  If I can do that then I can keep my momentum and keep the book alive. I am still working hard on the being a better wife thing... I try to be super supportive of Greg and always speak highly of him in public.  I also gave him a hot stone massage last week for no reason other than to show him I love him...  He was very doubtful when I pulled out the burning hot rocks, but then he loved it so that's a win!

I would love to hear about any goals you are working on.  Share with me so that I don't feel like the only loser who doesn't quite follow through on all of mine!

Oh, P.S. totally irrelevant to any goal "topic" but still something that I am working on- I have set a new rule for myself that I can't be on my phone after 10:00 pm on weeknights.  I have been annoyed lately with how late I've been going to bed and how much time I have wasted on my phone.  I go to bed around 10:30 or so, but then I realized I just fart around on my phone for an hour.  It takes away from scripture reading time or snuggling time with Greg or even just reading my favorite book.  So no more phone for me after 10:00.  I'll let you know how it goes!

I'm also working on responding to emails within 48 hours... we'll see how that goes.

The 26 secrets to life

26 SECRETS OF LIFE

1.  If you don't have time to take a shower, you can put on deodorant, spray some perfume and spray dry shampoo in your hair.  This can work for up to four days.  After that you're just gross.

2.  If you don't have time to wash your clothes, you can run a fabric softener sheet all over them.  VOILA!  Your clothes smell like they just came out of the dryer.

3.  When your house is clean you feel less stressed.

4.  Everybody has done something they are less than proud of.  Judge lightly.  Unless they keep doing it over and over and over.  Then you can judge however you feel like.

5.  Once you become an adult you can eat whatever you want and nobody gets mad at you, it's so great!  But your body feels like crap when you do that so do it sparingly.

6.  Remember people's birthdays.

7.  To be a good conversationalist (or a good friend!) ask questions. Remember what people have told you (i.e. "I'm nervous for a test coming up) and ask them about it next time you see them.

8.  Ice cream fixes most problems.

9.  Talk slowly when you are in an argument.

10.  Don't make fun of people if they dance funny.  It's just rude.

11.  There will always be one cousin/aunt/co-worker/neighbor who offends you.  Start expecting it and you won't feel offended every time.  Or better yet, tell yourself everytime they say something rude you get to buy a new pair of shoes.  You'll start looking forward to the insults!

12.  Exercise can suck while you're doing it, but it feels good after.

13.  Nobody's life is really like the movies.

14.  Plans change.  That's okay.  Abandon that which no longer serves you.  Be willing to be flexible and see other paths than the one you originally planned on.

15.  If you can't remember somebody's name just ask them.  And then think about their name for seven seconds after they tell it to you.  You won't forget again.

16.  If you don't do the dishes tonight, they're still there tomorrow.  They don't do themselves.

17.  People like you if you like them.

18.  Everybody vomits at some point in their life.  It's to keep us humble and totally grossed out by the food that we eat.

19.  People don't notice your mistakes as much as you think.  (Stolen from The Happiness Project.)

20.  If you don't feel like cooking because you are stressed and overwhelmed, pizzas are only $10.

21.  If you don't take the garbage out it will smell.  Inevitably.

22.  Don't invest too much time, energy, and passion into things you have no absolutely no control over.  Like professional sports teams or how tall you are.

23.  If you can do something in less than 60 seconds, do it now and not later.  This means hanging up your shirt, returning a text, loading your plate.

24.  Give people the benefit of the doubt.

25.  Don't flake on people.  If you make plans, stick to them.  You can cancel/ rearrange once and after that it's just rude.

26.  When you realize you know nothing about life, start making up the secrets of life to dish out to strangers and suddenly you will start to realize you know more than you think you do.

WHAT'S YOUR LIFE SECRET?  The best life secrets will be highlighted on Monday's post with a link to your bloggy blog!

Excerpts of post originally published May 2013.