Put your dreams away for now, I won’t see you for some time…
I am lost in my mind, I get lost in my mind…
Mama once told me “you’re already home where you feel loved”
I am lost in my mind, I get lost in my mind…
Oh my brother, your wisdom is older than me. Oh my brother, don’t you worry about me!
Don’t you worry, don’t you worry, don’t worry about me…
all you need is love … love is all you need
I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Again. I’m making a serious effort to understand myself and the way I form my thoughts and the channels that I follow… I’m very conscious of time these days. I’m very aware of the years. I’ve arrived at this place called mid-life. My indentured servitude spans nearly 30 years. I have two young children. It’s up to me to shape them, form them and prepare them for life. And how can I do that, if I don’t have it figured out myself?! There’s a whole new generation of young people in my life, looking to me for guidance, and what can I give them? I’m fumbling along under a facade waving the fake it till you make it flag and hoping that nobody notices that I really don’t have it all going on. (To be fair to myself, I do actually have almost everything going on –I’m just trying to wrangle this emotional thangggggg…..)
I’ve been thinking about human behaviors. I’ve been observing the way insecurity manifests in people and myself. I’ve been thinking about self destructive thoughts a lot lately, and wondering where they come from, why they’re there, how to obliterate them, etc… It occurs to me that they are entirely manufactured! Not that that is any big news. I’ve known that all along, but somehow I am beginning to let it sink in, that any negative thoughts originate within myself. So if they’re coming from me, I can change my mind, and turn that ship around. Easily enough said.
Certain thought streams tend to short circuit to emotionally unattractive destinations. I intend to repair my mother board so that my thought streams lead to healthy destinations.
One of the show stoppers is that dangerous zone of caring what others think. Why so much concern? Why ANY concern? Judgment… It’s such a slippery slope! The reality of the matter is that I don’t know what another person thinks or feels. Those thoughts are entirely theirs. Am I spending my time passing judgment on the people in my sphere? Or do I simply love them? Ummm. I simply love them. So, uhhhh, hello? Stands to reason, doesn’t it, in the most simplistic way, that not too many, if any for that matter, are spending time passing judgment on me. Why would I bother to waste any brain space on wondering or dreading what others might think of me? Good grief! And even if I were to play the devil’s advocate, what kind of ugliness might someone dredge up on me? Her. Yeah her. She goes to work every day. Yeah. Imagine that. She pays her bills. Amazing. She lives within her means. Unbelievable. She takes care of her family. Whoa. She saves for a rainy day. What the what? She tries to make people smile. Crazy. Oh sure, she gets emo once in a while. She’s a sensitive creature with an empathetic nature, so of course the travails of others can take their toll if she’s not careful, but she’s wicked smart and kind of funny, so hey. She’s all right. Mmmmm hmmmmm, yes ma’am. She’s all right.
Seriously. It’s ridiculous to waste time and life energy on wondering what others think, and worse yet, assuming what they think. That’s a one-man-band, honey. It’s ALL IN YOUR HEAD!!!! SMH…
Okay. Sure. I have issues. Daddy issues. I’ve written about it before. WHY DIDN’T HE CARE ABOUT ME? WHY DIDN’T I MATTER TO HIM? etc etc etc. The thing is, I did matter to him. I just didn’t recognize it. Where he could display his love, affection and admiration to and for my sisters, somehow he was unable to convey it to me. Maybe, all along, I’ve felt irrelevant only because I’m not the charming vivacious spitfires that my sisters are. Maybe it was difficult for him to find a way to reach me. Who knows?! But the fact is that I’ve carried an invalid assumption along with me for most of my life, that I somehow just don’t quite measure up to what I should. And don’t you see? That’s the comparison game! Comparing myself to my sisters! We are apples and oranges (as well as peas in a pod). Oh how I love my sisters!!! They are amazing people! And we are beautiful in our differences and in our similarities. As beautiful and amazing as they are, I am as well! I just wasn’t tuned in to the same bat channel. So I didn’t get the message. That is SO tragic!!! Fifty years old and only now just dawning.
Anyway.
One way or another, this post was meant to be about love, and how you’re home where you feel loved. All this blah blah blah about the great “why am I the way I am?” question, but the crux of the matter and the bottom line is that happiness is that place where we feel home, where we are home.
I feel home.
This.
This is what life and love are all about. This is everything. Now is now. I’m living it. Now! I laugh, I smile, I hug my children. I listen. I act silly. I cook. I eat. I work. I take care of business. I keep up my home. I do laundry. I do dishes. I love.
I am happy.
