18 Jokes From Nostalgic Comedians That Still Hit Hard
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Vote up the jokes that have stood the test of time.
No matter the profession, every aspiring professional has their start. Comedians are no different, and many spend years doing stand-up at clubs and making guest appearances on TV shows before finding their way into fame and the comedic Hollywood spotlight in the film industry.
Even though some comedians' jokes can be really old, they still pack the punch they did years ago. From relatable quips about family life to punchlines that reveal a deeper truth about culture and society, this list features chuckles from nostalgic comedians that stood the test of time.
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- Sgt. Thomas Benoit
- Wikimedia Commons
- Public domain
Robin Williams brought up a valid point concerning the final treatment of prisoners on death row:
Before the lethal injection, they do an alcohol swab. Which is so nice. What the f--- are you doing? We don't want you to get that last-second infection!
A timeless classic?- 1The Fisher King4,767 Votes
- 2Good Morning, Vietnam3,339 Votes
- 3Mrs. Doubtfire4,226 Votes
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Fans loved Mitch Hedberg's joke so much that it was printed on an actual doughnut shop receipt years after his 2005 passing. As part of his stand-up routine, he had mused:
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, “Don’t even act like I didn’t get that doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here… It’s in my file at home… Under D.”
A timeless classic?
1I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.137 Votes- 2I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.98 Votes
- 3You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.65 Votes
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After taking a trip to Disney World with his kids in 2019, Jim Gaffigan quipped in a 2020 stand-up appearance that he now understands why dads were always in a bad mood:
Last summer we did our first big family vacation. Well, I should clarify, we went to Disney. Now, if you haven't been to Disney as an adult, just imagine you're standing in line at the DMV… That's it. Actually, it was Orlando in July, so it was kind of like standing in line on the surface of the sun.
Why would we do this to ourselves? Remember when you were a kid, you'd go on vacation, you'd be like, “Why is dad always in a bad mood?”
Now I understand. “How can I spend an enormous amount of money, be uncomfortable, and listen to my children complain and whine? Disney! Oh, good!”
A timeless classic?
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In a 1993 stand-up during his “You Might Be a Redneck If…” craze, Jeff Foxworthy joked about how his family prepares for Christmas gift-giving:
My family, they don't go to hotels much. They stole everything from this place. When you get out of the shower you are using toilet paper to dry off with because they have the towels in the Piggly Wiggly bag.
One day one of the maids went to lunch and left her cart in the hall. Lord, they were on that like buzzards on a mule carcass. Picked it clean. I asked my brother, “What are you going to do with 180 shower caps?” He said, “Christmas presents.” Then his wife got mad: “Well, thanks for spoiling it for everybody else.”
A timeless classic?- Photo:
- Harry Langdon
- Wikimedia Commons
- Public domain
Joan Rivers had a tongue-in-cheek theory about the correlation between wealth and fulfillment in life:
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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Jerry Seinfeld once pointed out that the survey of people's greatest fears seemed unbalanced:
According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
A timeless classic?
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Wanda Sykes mentioned a good point when it comes to wedding nuptials:
They say marriage is a contract. No, it’s not. Contracts come with warranties. When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer. Your husband starts acting up, you can’t take him back to his mama’s house. “He’s broke. I dunno. He just stopped working. He’s just laying around making a funny noise.”
You can’t do that. Until death do you part, man. See, that’s Biblical times. Moses wrote that. That’s in the Old Testament. They had no problem saying “til death do you part” back then, because they didn’t live that long. They had plagues, you know? Soon as that guy got on your nerves, here come some locusts to eat his *ss up for you.
A timeless classic?
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Chris Rock enjoyed making fun of employers who only pay workers the minimum wage:
I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what it means when somebody pays you minimum wage? You know what they're trying to tell you. It's like, “Hey, if I could pay you less, I would. But it's against the law.” A lot of people want to get rid of minimum wage. You know what would happen if there's no minimum wage? Nobody would get paid money. You'd be like: “What did you make this week?” “That can of SPAM and a toenail clip.”
A timeless classic?- 1The Longest Yard128 Votes
- 2Madagascar102 Votes
- 3Down to Earth77 Votes
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Over the span of their careers, Steve Martin appeared on Johnny Carson's show more than 60 times. During one visit to the late-night stage in 1989, Martin read through a few of his diary entries from his previous shows, holding nothing back for the famed talk show host:
December 8, 1980 for a Tonight Show. Good show, went well, lots of laughter. Ed, very funny. Johnny seems sluggish…
April 2, 1985. Great shot. I felt great. Audience was great. Wall-to-wall laughs. Everything seemed to work. Ed's the funniest I've ever seen him. Johnny seems sluggish…
November 12, 1985. Very funny appearance. Did longer than usual because things were going so well. Doc exciting, colorful and vibrant. Ed was hilarious. Johnny just didn't seem to be there. In fact, he wasn't there. It was Jay Leno…
October 2, 1986. Sensational appearance. I was really on a roll. One of my best shots. Audience was really hot. You? [looking at Carson] Sluggish.
September 24, 1987. I was hysterical. Lots of ad-libbing that played all sensationally. Johnny was terrifically funny.
There's a note here: if you can call sluggish funny.December 5, 1987. Oh, I was bad. Real bad. But compared to Johnny and Ed, I was funny.
A timeless classic?
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During one of his first stand-up routines in the early 1990s, Jim Carrey made wisecracks concerning Southern Californians' inability to comprehend the Canadian climate:
Is there anybody here from Canada? I used to get really upset when I told people where I came from down in Los Angeles because I always got the same response: “Canada. Wow! Must've been cold.”
Now I just go along with them. “Yes. Canada. It was a frozen, hostile wasteland and there was much work to be done. If we were to survive the elements, after boring a hole through the ice to find food, my good friend Nantuk and I would build an igloo to protect ourselves from the polar bears and flying hockey pucks. Then, we would drink a lot of beer. And when Nantuk was ready, he would tell me the story of the great moose, who said to the little squirrel: 'Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!'"
A timeless classic?- 1Dumb and Dumber1,340 Votes
- 2The Mask1,248 Votes
- 3The Truman Show1,250 Votes
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During his filmed stand-up classic, Delirious, Eddie Murphy got nostalgic about one of his favorite things growing up:
“The ice cream man is coming! The ice cream man is coming! MOM! Throw down some money! The ice cream man is coming!” Then your mother comes to the window and be throwin' change, saying: “Go get your father a toasted almond bar, and get your brother an Icee, and get yourself a vanilla cone, and bring me back my change.”
And you catch all that sh*t and run down the street, top speed. Chasing the ice cream truck going: “Ice cream!” Ice cream man always drove an extra block though. And I know he seen us and sh*t. But I think he just be in the car with his friend saying: “Watch how fast I make these motherf*ckers run.” You be behind him going 50 yelling, “Ice cream!”
He'd stop, you'd be all out of wind, saying: “Ice cream man?… Can I have this? I want this over here. A toasted almond bar for my father, and give me an Icee over here, and a vanilla cone. Thank you, ice cream man! Thank you!”
And you'd get your ice cream, I get my ice cream, and I remember it. I didn't eat it. I'd sing for a little while, you know? You know how kids are, I'd be going, “I have some ice cream! And I'm gonna eat it all!" And ice cream be running all down your arm and sh*t.
A timeless classic?- 1Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp), 'Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl'1,291 Votes
- 2Genie (Robin Williams), 'Aladdin'907 Votes
- 3Axel Foley (Eddie Murphy), 'Beverly Hills Cop'586 Votes
During one of his stand-up routines, Bill Hicks relived a trippy experience he had with his friends:
I used to do drugs. I had no luck with drugs, man. One time me and three friends dropped acid and drove around in my dad's car. He has one of those talking cars, we're tripping, and the car goes, “The door is ajar.”
We pulled over and thought about that for 12 hours. “How can a door be a jar?” “Why would they put a jar on a car?” “Oh man, the freeway's melting!” “Put it in the jar.” This went on for hours. We got pulled over tripping. There's a dream come true. I'll match that to any drunk story you go. Pulled over tripping… The cop is tapping on this window. We're staring at him in this mirror over here. “How tall are you?”
A timeless classic?- Photo:
- US mission to the European Union
- Wikimedia Commons
- Public domain
Even in 1977, Jay Leno was dishing out his jokes with a bit of truth. In one of his earliest TV performances, the former Tonight Show host quipped:
Newsmen always say things like: “Americans were shocked today when they learned…” Let's face it. Nothing shocks us anymore. They should just tell the truth. “World came to an end today; most Americans couldn't give a damn about the whole thing. Give me a hamburger and some gasoline."
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- Reagan White House Photographs
- Wikimedia Commons
- Public domain
Before former actor Ronald Regan took office as 40th President of the United States, Phyllis Diller had some sound advice for him:
If you ever get to be president, and I think you may, and there's a depression - try not to have it at a bad time, like when everybody's out of work.
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During her first televised performance, Ellen DeGeneres shared how she lost her grandmother:
I've been keeping in shape lately, you know? You have to. I'm getting older. I'm 27… That whole fitness thing runs in my family, though, I think. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
A timeless classic?- Photo:
- ABC Television
- Wikimedia Commons
- Public domain
Billy Crystal once tried to guess what Jesus would've had on his wishlist if he were celebrating Easter:
Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.
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Typical of Margaret Cho's style of self-deprecating humor, the comedian laughed with the audience about a write-up she once had in New York:
I got a write-up in the Village Voice. The writer really liked my show, and he was very complimentary. But he described me this way: “Funny, sexy, zaftig, Margaret Cho.”
What is zaftig?! Isn't that German for big fat pig? I guess I should be glad. You know, zaftig is kind of a nice word. He could've said funny, sexy, obese, Margaret Cho. Zaftig definitely is better, but I could not stop hearing that word for days after. Zaftig. Everywhere I went. Zaftig, zaftig, zaftig.
Even restaurants! “Would you like something to start? A zaftig perhaps?” “A what?!” “A soft drink.” “Oh!”
[Editor's note: the German word saftig (zaftig in Yiddish) literally means “juicy," as in a piece of fruit or meat. However, it's also come to describe a plump or voluptuous woman].
A timeless classic?
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Before he became a famous comedian, Adam Sandler joked about not having enough money to pay a cab driver in a morbid (but “Sandman”-style funny) way:
I just came here from New York, and my last day in New York was kind of weird. I had a cab driver acting peculiar. We were driving along, me and the cab driver, and he killed a dog on the way. He didn't hit the dog with the car, he got out of the car and stabbed the dog...
The first thing I thought was, “No tip. I'm not gonna tip this guy.” Not because he killed a dog, just because 30 cents clicked in the meter while he was doing it. I don't get that kind of bread right now. I don't have that kind of money. Not yet. I will someday, I'm sure. But right now, I don't.
A timeless classic?- 1Katherine Murphy778 Votes
- 2Roxanne Chase-Feder623 Votes
- 3Donna Newman757 Votes
