Christmas

Well, we made it through our first Christmas without Noah. He was greatly missed. It was nice to see Theo (Noah's younger brother) open his gifts with excitement. Steven and I agreed that the gifts we received, although they were all great, just didn't seem like a big deal now. Imagine what heaven is like for Christmas. Do you think that material things even compare to the glory and celebration there? That's where my son is. Of course I was sad today because he wasn't here to enjoy all of the gifts I had bought him.  It will never be the same without him.  He's not sad, though. There are no tears in heaven. I posted this thought on facebook the other day, "I wonder what Christmas is like in Heaven." A few of my favorite responses were:

• "I'm sure Noah will have a lot to show us when we get there."

• "Whatever it is Noah can enjoy it with his Heavenly enhanced peripheral vision." (He had recently discovered that he could use his peripheral vision to see people next to him. He thought this was a special superhero power. :) )

• "It's a bit brighter and happier this year because Noah is there with his wonderful smile."

• "Biggest birthday party ever...and now they have lots of balloons." (At his Life Celebration we released lots and lots of orange and blue balloons at the end. Those are his favorite colors.)

Sometimes I go into his room at night to read a book to him. I don't know if he can hear me, but it helps me. Last night I had the intention of going in there and reading The Night Before Christmas, but as soon as I opened the door and looked at the books another one caught my eye. Just In Case You Ever Wonder by Max Lucado. I had read it to Noah several times. It's written from the perspective of a parent to the child, teaching him about how God made him special and how much he is loved. The most important part to me was at the very end:

"And God wants me to make sure you know about heaven. It's a wonderful place. There are no tears there. No monsters. No mean people. You never have to say, 'good-bye,' or 'good night,' or 'I'm hungry.' You never get cold or sick or afraid. In heaven you are so close to God that He will hug you, just like I hug you. It's going to be wonderful. I will be there, too. I promise. We will be there together, forever. Remember that... just in case you ever wonder."

I don't think it was a coincidence that I picked that book instead. It's so amazing how God uses things in our lives to help us. What an awesome God.

My sweet Noah,

Today we celebrated Christmas. We missed you being here. I bet you are having so much fun celebrating WITH Jesus. I LOVED the snowman napkin holder you made me at Home Depot with Daddy. You did a great job! I'm so proud of you. I remember when you told me a few months ago that you were going to buy me some mixing bowls for Christmas. I love those, too. Thank you. 

I love you so much Noah. 

Merry Christmas,

Mom

This picture was taken last Christmas. He brings me great joy.

Heaven

It has been four years since I've updated this blog, but I feel I owe it to Noah to write more about his story.
Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

Three weeks and one day ago, November 29th, 2012, our son Noah John went to sleep on earth and woke up in the presence of Jesus. It is very painful to type those words and admit that I will no longer look into those beautiful brown eyes for as long as I am here on earth. We do not know why he didn't wake up, yet. We won't know for a few more months.

If I could write a letter to my Noah, here's a bit of what I would say:

My joyful and sweet son,

Always always remember this; Mommy will love you forever. When I say forever, I mean even in Heaven when I will see your face again. You brought, and will always bring, me great joy. You touched SO many lives while you were here for 5 short years. Mom, Dad, Theo, Grandma, Grandpa, aunts, uncles, and LOTS of friends miss you so much. We all wish we could see just how much fun you are having in Heaven. What is Jesus like? What are you doing? Are you telling your quacker box joke? Are you drawing pictures? I have kept all of your drawings you made for me and will cherish them forever. My favorite one is the card you made me a couple of months ago when I was sick. You wrote "I love you Mom" and "have a happy day!" It's hanging on the refrigerator and I see it every day. I will try to have a happy day, just thinking about how happy you made me.

Some things I will remember about you:
The sound you of you saying, "mommy!" when I walked in the door, followed by a great big hug.

Your jokes and carefree spirit.

Your love for babies and other kids. You were a great friend to your peers.

Your love to draw and create things.

Your love to pray. You always prayed for others.

Your creative imagination. You were happy to play with anything.

There are many things that I will remember about you. I will continue to write them down so I can look back on them and never forget.

I love you so much my son, Mommy

I have good days and bad days. I know it has only been 3 weeks. Sometimes I just ask, God, "why?" Why did He think that we could handle this? Why did he save our son when he was born, after the doctors told us he would not live, just to take him away 5 years later? I will continue to ask why and hopefully receive some peace about it. Those 5 years that God gave us were full of love and so much joy because of Noah. If God could only give us 5 years, I will be thankful for those. I will continue to seek joy. This doesn't mean I will not be sad. My pastor said it best when he said, "Joy is not the absence of pain, it is the presence of God." Anne Graham Lotz says, "God is bigger than our suffering. We can have HOPE as we place our trust in Him-in His faithfulness and in His ability to work out in our lives His purposes that will be for our ultimate good and His eternal glory." I will hold on to this hope.