i have never been big on new years resolutions. to be honest i am not a fan of resolutions in general and attaching them to an arbitrary day with no other significance than that is the first day of the year in the West just seems, well... dumb.
i mean, why not pick any other day to resolve to eat less fast food, quit smoking, or stop beating your kids? what is wrong with mid-March? that is when the earliest "New Year" was celebrated in Mesopotamia c. 2000 B.C.E.. that is the Vernal Equinox. or how about sometime around the fall as the Egyptians, Phoenicians, and Persians did, or the Winter Solstice as the Greeks did?
the old Roman calendar used 10 months and March 1st was New Years day. it wasn't until 153 B.C.E. that the Romans first used Jan 1st as the first day of the year. that was when the two Roman Consuls began their one year term. even then the day was not widely adopted. not until Julius Caesar gave us the Julian calendar, in 46 B.C.E. with 12 months based on the sun (the old calendar used the moon and was always needing adjustment) was Jan 1st officially the first day of the year.
just to make it interesting the Church abolished the celebration of the new year on Jan 1st because it was too pagan. they couldn't really decide on the right day. Dec 25th, March 25th (Feast of Annunciation), March 1st, and Easter all took turns as the first day of the year.
in 1582 the west adopted the Gregorian calendar. well, everyone in the west who was Catholic. the Protestants, esp in Brittan and it's colonies - just out of spite really - held out until 1752.
anyway, what are your resolutions?
i have a few:
1. drink less pop. i don't know how much less, just less.
2. drink less booze. this one will be easy. if i abstain for a total of a week all year i will be successful.
3. join AND ATTEND a gym. what i do there is another story.
4. do something new. ha ha. i think i am going to grow tomatos this spring.
what about you? what are your resolutions?
12.31.2007
12.24.2007
Was Your Vagina Drunk? A Defense of "Hip Sentimentality"
our apartment(1) recently purchased the third movie in what i am calling the Jud Apatow trilogy. we are now the proud owners of The 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, and Superbad.
i don't go and see flicks in the theatre(2). instead i wait until they are on DVD and then Netflix them(3). the first flick, 40 Yr Old, flew under my radar until i was at a party and a female someone was getting all Christo-femi-i'm a liberal-fundi on me and saying how they walked out of the theater during Knocked Up. i knew instinctively that i would enjoy the flick. why?
"Apatow clearly does not understand woman. His characters talk like boys in a locker room."
that is almost an exact paraphrase. Knocked Up was still in theaters so I would have to wait for the DVD to be on Netflix. so i put 40 Yr Old in my que in Netflix and waited for it to arrive. i became an instant fan of Apatow and Rogen and crew. by the time i saw Knocked Up i couldn't wait to see Superbad and actually sold off a Kidney to pay the $87 for a movie ticket to see it on the big screen.
critic John Powers used the phrase "hip sentimentality" to describe Knocked up. i don't think it is a stretch to apply that label to 40 Yr Old, although it might be a bit of a stretch if we are talking about Superbad. what he meant by that label was that these movies and others like them are crude and "edgy"(4) yet are "soft at the center" while being "deeply obscene."
let me run with that for another paragraph or two. yes the movies are filled with crude sex jokes you wouldn't repeat in front of family (well, not in front of yours, but my family wouldn't bat an eye). but at the center, there is indeed a sentimental anti-postmodern, dare i say, ga-vomint .... family, er uh, value. in 40 Yr Old just listen for the meta-meaning. here we have a man who has grown into a man child because he has abstained from sex, in contrast with his oversexed friends. when he does meet the woman of his dreams he almost looses her because he won't have sex with her until they are married. he resists his crude friends attempts to get him to "run through 20 or 30 hood rats." in the end, married sex is what fulfills him.
then look at Superbad, albeit the weakest link in my little argument. but even here in this updating of the old Porkies flicks of my brothers generation the story trajectory isn't really about high school geeks trying to get some so much as the nature of male identity and growing up into manhood. one could make the argument that it isn't about their pursuit of being "that guy"(5), but rather they learn that women are real people, ends in themselves, not a means to an end - ie; getting laid. if that isn't the Kantian Golden Mean i don't know what is.
and then of course you have Knocked up in which while abortion is discussed, the characters choose to keep the baby and make a go at a two parent house hold. it is strange the criticism i have heard from folks about this flick. the one side doesn't like it that the female lead doesn't get an abortion and that a woman like her would never "hook up" with a guy like Rogen's character(6). the other side is so hung up by their Manichean presuppositions that they can't see the real beauty of this love story for all the cock and pussy jokes.
Apatow and crew are slipping in old school family values - the core ones that actually matter - into mainstream media. and he does so by coating the bitter pill of responsibility, family, and fidelity with the sugary coating of vulgarity, Tn'A, and gay jokes.
and even if all this is just bullshit, which it might be, Apatow writes dialogue that for the most part matches how i and my friends talk. big shocker... men talk like this when they aren't shackled by the emasculatory restrictions of domestication and church. that realism alone is worth watching. so ladies, if you find that these flicks offend your sensibilities you need to grow up. this is how most men talk. sure there are some among us who don't talk like this but they are rare. i can think of a few certainly. but the rest of us act and talk just like this, you will be tempted to say that your particular man friend isn't like this, but do you really know what he is like when he isn't around you?
that is my micro brewed meditation.
1. i own 40 and Knocked Up and Jon just got the two disc Superbad. hint, just get the single unrated disc, the double disc doesn't have all that much more to offer for the extra $10.
2. yes, i used the Canadian spelling for my two Canadian readers. bite me eh.
3. if you don't have Netflix then i have to ask why? come on, get out of the stone age folks.
4. his term.
5. the one that the girl wakes up and says, "i was so drunk, i can't believe i slept with that guy."
6. bullshit. i know a lot of "losers" who "hooked up" in exactly this fashion. and oh, btw, if she killed the fetus the movie would have been about 24 minutes long. and isn't this the kind of shakespearian-romanto-mythical story line everyone loves? the frog turns into a prince kind of deal? how come when it is a hot well to do man and a woman from the other side of the proverbial tracks no one says "oh, the Richard Gere character would never fall for a hooker even if she did look like Julia Roberts?" they don't say it cause it is woman who are saying it or men trying to impress the women in the room with how progressive they are.
**** i can't wait for the first comment about the title of the post. it was from one of the movies btw.
i don't go and see flicks in the theatre(2). instead i wait until they are on DVD and then Netflix them(3). the first flick, 40 Yr Old, flew under my radar until i was at a party and a female someone was getting all Christo-femi-i'm a liberal-fundi on me and saying how they walked out of the theater during Knocked Up. i knew instinctively that i would enjoy the flick. why?
"Apatow clearly does not understand woman. His characters talk like boys in a locker room."
that is almost an exact paraphrase. Knocked Up was still in theaters so I would have to wait for the DVD to be on Netflix. so i put 40 Yr Old in my que in Netflix and waited for it to arrive. i became an instant fan of Apatow and Rogen and crew. by the time i saw Knocked Up i couldn't wait to see Superbad and actually sold off a Kidney to pay the $87 for a movie ticket to see it on the big screen.
critic John Powers used the phrase "hip sentimentality" to describe Knocked up. i don't think it is a stretch to apply that label to 40 Yr Old, although it might be a bit of a stretch if we are talking about Superbad. what he meant by that label was that these movies and others like them are crude and "edgy"(4) yet are "soft at the center" while being "deeply obscene."
let me run with that for another paragraph or two. yes the movies are filled with crude sex jokes you wouldn't repeat in front of family (well, not in front of yours, but my family wouldn't bat an eye). but at the center, there is indeed a sentimental anti-postmodern, dare i say, ga-vomint .... family, er uh, value. in 40 Yr Old just listen for the meta-meaning. here we have a man who has grown into a man child because he has abstained from sex, in contrast with his oversexed friends. when he does meet the woman of his dreams he almost looses her because he won't have sex with her until they are married. he resists his crude friends attempts to get him to "run through 20 or 30 hood rats." in the end, married sex is what fulfills him.
then look at Superbad, albeit the weakest link in my little argument. but even here in this updating of the old Porkies flicks of my brothers generation the story trajectory isn't really about high school geeks trying to get some so much as the nature of male identity and growing up into manhood. one could make the argument that it isn't about their pursuit of being "that guy"(5), but rather they learn that women are real people, ends in themselves, not a means to an end - ie; getting laid. if that isn't the Kantian Golden Mean i don't know what is.
and then of course you have Knocked up in which while abortion is discussed, the characters choose to keep the baby and make a go at a two parent house hold. it is strange the criticism i have heard from folks about this flick. the one side doesn't like it that the female lead doesn't get an abortion and that a woman like her would never "hook up" with a guy like Rogen's character(6). the other side is so hung up by their Manichean presuppositions that they can't see the real beauty of this love story for all the cock and pussy jokes.
Apatow and crew are slipping in old school family values - the core ones that actually matter - into mainstream media. and he does so by coating the bitter pill of responsibility, family, and fidelity with the sugary coating of vulgarity, Tn'A, and gay jokes.
and even if all this is just bullshit, which it might be, Apatow writes dialogue that for the most part matches how i and my friends talk. big shocker... men talk like this when they aren't shackled by the emasculatory restrictions of domestication and church. that realism alone is worth watching. so ladies, if you find that these flicks offend your sensibilities you need to grow up. this is how most men talk. sure there are some among us who don't talk like this but they are rare. i can think of a few certainly. but the rest of us act and talk just like this, you will be tempted to say that your particular man friend isn't like this, but do you really know what he is like when he isn't around you?
that is my micro brewed meditation.
1. i own 40 and Knocked Up and Jon just got the two disc Superbad. hint, just get the single unrated disc, the double disc doesn't have all that much more to offer for the extra $10.
2. yes, i used the Canadian spelling for my two Canadian readers. bite me eh.
3. if you don't have Netflix then i have to ask why? come on, get out of the stone age folks.
4. his term.
5. the one that the girl wakes up and says, "i was so drunk, i can't believe i slept with that guy."
6. bullshit. i know a lot of "losers" who "hooked up" in exactly this fashion. and oh, btw, if she killed the fetus the movie would have been about 24 minutes long. and isn't this the kind of shakespearian-romanto-mythical story line everyone loves? the frog turns into a prince kind of deal? how come when it is a hot well to do man and a woman from the other side of the proverbial tracks no one says "oh, the Richard Gere character would never fall for a hooker even if she did look like Julia Roberts?" they don't say it cause it is woman who are saying it or men trying to impress the women in the room with how progressive they are.
**** i can't wait for the first comment about the title of the post. it was from one of the movies btw.
12.09.2007
What I Am Reading
Books Bought This Month:
- Philip Pullman's trilogy - The Golden Compass, The Subtle Knife, and The Amber Spyglass
- South Park & Philosophy, Richard Hanley Ed.
- A Long Way Down, Nick Hornby
- The Myth of Sisyphus, Albert Camus
- Their Eyes Were Watching God, Zora Neale Hurston
Books Read This Month:
- Family Guy & Philosophy(1)
- A Crack in the Edge of the World, Simon Winchester
- The Fabric of the Cosmos, Brian Greene
- Zen & the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Robert M. Pirsig
- The Ancestor's Tale, Richard Dawkins
- Moon Handbook on Glacier National Park(2)
Dawkins was first made famous for his book, The Selfish Gene, but more recently the controversial God Delusion. Ancestor's Tale is a large tome, that apparently Dawkins had trouble finishing and brought in some extra hands for the task. While the book is a little slow at points. I would recommend to the skittish to pick through the chapters that seem most appealing. But you will want to read at least the first 85 pages. The book starts with modern man - Homo Sapiens Sapiens and works backwards until our last Rendezvous with the Eubacteria (also a good chapter to read). You are likely to get bogged down in sections dealing with how we trace our ancestry through our genes and/or parts that get a little over any one's head who hasn't just finished at least a BS in biology or anthropology or the like. But don't let that scare you off. Frick, go to your big box book store, yank the book off the shelf, get a coffee at the in store coffee shop, sit down and knock out the first 85 pages. And yes, Dawkins thinks Christians are ignorant and blah blah blah. But Christians think he is going to burn in hell so all that is a wash.
Now, if you want to talk about a book that bored the hell out of me Fabric is the one. I really wanted to like this book. And Greene has a reputation via The Elegant Universe for making current thought in physics relevant and interesting. But after the first few chapters I found my mind wandering. This happens every time I pick up a book or turn to something on cable that is about Quantum Physics or String Theory or Space/Time and strings and super strings. I know it is really hip and cool to talk about this stuff especially if you aren't a physicist but an arm chair meta-physicist, but I just can't do it. And just between you and I... I think everyone else who isn't a physicist doesn't get it either. But it is hip and cool so they pretend. I am no dope or anything and I don't quite get it, and maybe I am just an ego maniac but when I hear folks babble on about this stuff, when meta-physicists play at physics I first gag, then chuckle. Sometimes I point and laugh.
Winchesters book was very readable up until the middle part where it bogged down a little, then it got better, a lot better. I pick up a book like this because I like history, I like histories written from an interdisciplinary approach, and I like histories that look at specific events in history. This book is all of those. Oh, it is about the 1906 earthquake in San Francisco btw. For those of you who live "back east"(3) as they say here you may not care about the book at all, but you should.
I picked up Zen because my buddy Lee recommended it. All he said was that it was about a teacher who went nuts trying to understand the meaning of Quality. Well of course any story about someone going nuts because they try to understand something appeals to me. You will find it a bit slow of course at first but soon you won't be able to put it down. Pirsig was a prof teaching Rhetoric and he was challenged by a cleaning lady to teach Quality. This lead him to loose his mind and given that the events took place back in the day when Electro Shock Therapy was all the rage he went through multiple rounds and came out of it a completely different person. The story is about a motorcycle trip he and his son took that leads them back to the place where he lost his mind. As they get closer to the school and the mountains he hiked his old personality begins to break into the present. I will leave it at that. It is a classic, everyone references it, most I suspect haven't actually read it based on what they say. So go out and read it and then feel smug when you pick up on the references.
Finally, about Family Guy. If we are friends you would know I love the show. Honestly, if we are friends you probably like the show yourself. Of the many illuminating chapters; Quagmire: Virtue and Perversity, and Francis Griffin and the Church of the Holy Fonz: and Religious Exclusivism and "Real" Religion, or Kierkegaard and the Norm (MacDonald) of Death, and others - there are two chapters that really stood out for me; The Other Children: The Importance of Meg and Chris, and He Thinks He's People: How Brian Made Personhood for the Dogs. The worst part is Part III where the eds. go into a long and ill advised dialogue about the nature of what is funny. Skip this part. That, and I did find it more than mildly annoying when the authors tried their hand at Family Guy-esq humor. They just came off as any college prof or high school teacher would when they try to be "down" with the kids - that is, they weren't funny or cool. You just feel sad, and more than a little embarrassed for them.
1. Yeah Yeah, I know. But I find these little books very fun to read and informative, if not a little misguided. But maybe that is their charm?
2. This one I am rereading. I read it last year just before I went Montana for a week and I am going again this year. So I am rereading it.
3. And by "back east" the natives mean any place east of Reno.
- Philip Pullman's trilogy - The Golden Compass, The Subtle Knife, and The Amber Spyglass
- South Park & Philosophy, Richard Hanley Ed.
- A Long Way Down, Nick Hornby
- The Myth of Sisyphus, Albert Camus
- Their Eyes Were Watching God, Zora Neale Hurston
Books Read This Month:
- Family Guy & Philosophy(1)
- A Crack in the Edge of the World, Simon Winchester
- The Fabric of the Cosmos, Brian Greene
- Zen & the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Robert M. Pirsig
- The Ancestor's Tale, Richard Dawkins
- Moon Handbook on Glacier National Park(2)
Dawkins was first made famous for his book, The Selfish Gene, but more recently the controversial God Delusion. Ancestor's Tale is a large tome, that apparently Dawkins had trouble finishing and brought in some extra hands for the task. While the book is a little slow at points. I would recommend to the skittish to pick through the chapters that seem most appealing. But you will want to read at least the first 85 pages. The book starts with modern man - Homo Sapiens Sapiens and works backwards until our last Rendezvous with the Eubacteria (also a good chapter to read). You are likely to get bogged down in sections dealing with how we trace our ancestry through our genes and/or parts that get a little over any one's head who hasn't just finished at least a BS in biology or anthropology or the like. But don't let that scare you off. Frick, go to your big box book store, yank the book off the shelf, get a coffee at the in store coffee shop, sit down and knock out the first 85 pages. And yes, Dawkins thinks Christians are ignorant and blah blah blah. But Christians think he is going to burn in hell so all that is a wash.
Now, if you want to talk about a book that bored the hell out of me Fabric is the one. I really wanted to like this book. And Greene has a reputation via The Elegant Universe for making current thought in physics relevant and interesting. But after the first few chapters I found my mind wandering. This happens every time I pick up a book or turn to something on cable that is about Quantum Physics or String Theory or Space/Time and strings and super strings. I know it is really hip and cool to talk about this stuff especially if you aren't a physicist but an arm chair meta-physicist, but I just can't do it. And just between you and I... I think everyone else who isn't a physicist doesn't get it either. But it is hip and cool so they pretend. I am no dope or anything and I don't quite get it, and maybe I am just an ego maniac but when I hear folks babble on about this stuff, when meta-physicists play at physics I first gag, then chuckle. Sometimes I point and laugh.
Winchesters book was very readable up until the middle part where it bogged down a little, then it got better, a lot better. I pick up a book like this because I like history, I like histories written from an interdisciplinary approach, and I like histories that look at specific events in history. This book is all of those. Oh, it is about the 1906 earthquake in San Francisco btw. For those of you who live "back east"(3) as they say here you may not care about the book at all, but you should.
I picked up Zen because my buddy Lee recommended it. All he said was that it was about a teacher who went nuts trying to understand the meaning of Quality. Well of course any story about someone going nuts because they try to understand something appeals to me. You will find it a bit slow of course at first but soon you won't be able to put it down. Pirsig was a prof teaching Rhetoric and he was challenged by a cleaning lady to teach Quality. This lead him to loose his mind and given that the events took place back in the day when Electro Shock Therapy was all the rage he went through multiple rounds and came out of it a completely different person. The story is about a motorcycle trip he and his son took that leads them back to the place where he lost his mind. As they get closer to the school and the mountains he hiked his old personality begins to break into the present. I will leave it at that. It is a classic, everyone references it, most I suspect haven't actually read it based on what they say. So go out and read it and then feel smug when you pick up on the references.
Finally, about Family Guy. If we are friends you would know I love the show. Honestly, if we are friends you probably like the show yourself. Of the many illuminating chapters; Quagmire: Virtue and Perversity, and Francis Griffin and the Church of the Holy Fonz: and Religious Exclusivism and "Real" Religion, or Kierkegaard and the Norm (MacDonald) of Death, and others - there are two chapters that really stood out for me; The Other Children: The Importance of Meg and Chris, and He Thinks He's People: How Brian Made Personhood for the Dogs. The worst part is Part III where the eds. go into a long and ill advised dialogue about the nature of what is funny. Skip this part. That, and I did find it more than mildly annoying when the authors tried their hand at Family Guy-esq humor. They just came off as any college prof or high school teacher would when they try to be "down" with the kids - that is, they weren't funny or cool. You just feel sad, and more than a little embarrassed for them.
1. Yeah Yeah, I know. But I find these little books very fun to read and informative, if not a little misguided. But maybe that is their charm?
2. This one I am rereading. I read it last year just before I went Montana for a week and I am going again this year. So I am rereading it.
3. And by "back east" the natives mean any place east of Reno.
12.07.2007
An Open Letter: Part 2
Caveat: i have received a few emails and comments on this and other blogs from folks asking me (or accusing me?), well to put it bluntly, about the state of my soul. this post and a few to follow are an attempt to offer an answer.
_______________________________
where i left off LAST TIME i was saying that, essentially my troubling experience with Christianity was my lack of experience. by experience i don't mean in the practical sense. but rather in an existential sense. this trouble (1) was two fold; i did not have a love for god nor did i sense a love from him/her, AND rather than having heard the "still small voice" of the Spirit assuring me of my belonging and belief - the only two things i ever really wanted from god (2) - that still small voice kept telling me, no matter what attempts i made to mute it, it was trying to tell me that i didn't really believe, i didn't really belong(3).
those attempts to quiet that voice and to ease the ache of the absence of god in my life or soul, or spirit (4) involved the the "- oholisms" if you will, the classics; too much drink, too much work, so on. and i attempted to find a way to god in The Book and any books i could find about The Book and the god of The Book. it was not rare for folks to assume i had been to seminary or beyond. and with no little pride i would let it slip that i was self taught. i sought god in prayer and fasting and sacrifice and solitude. i sought him in community and thought i might have found him but i was wrong.
that about catches us up i think. in 2002 i left for Canada to serve at a little bible college. the details aren't important. it is enough to say that place was the lone good experience i had in Christian ministry. i have written some about that place and my experience there so i won't get into it here.
one thing about that time and that place; i was encouraged to explore and embrace my doubts and short comings and questions and passions. whereas every other experience among Christians that sort of thing only got me reprimanded, labeled, and even fired.
it is true that Christians kill their wounded.
the ironic thing is that i think it was while there that i began to open up doors that eventually would lead me to where i am now. so maybe all those asses in sheep's clothes who told me to shut up, who held me down, who where afraid of my thoughts and questions were on to something. maybe they were right to do what they did, maybe the fundies are right to attack anyone who questions - anyone who opens doors, or peaks behind the curtain lest we lead everyone to hell.
another truism: careful what doors you open, lest you fall through one of them.
skip ahead a few years to about 3 months ago. for some reason, i couldn't tell you why, i stopped drinking. i am not an addict so quiting isn't hard for me. i don't drink because i need to, i drink because it stops my brain, and also because i am bored(5). well sometimes drinking gets boring so i stop. i guess that is why i stopped that last time.
something happened when i stopped. i had several days of absolute clarity of mind. after a couple days of unguarded un-inebriated thought i think i left a door open or something because that "still small voice" made a very audible and cogent argument. for the first time i listened to it. i heard, listened, and sat to think on it. the next think to do was to either get a drink and drown it out, or be honest with myself and embrace what i knew to be true.
i decided to embrace what i knew to be true, and after all, it wasn't like there was anyone(5) from the other side of the argument to make a case for remaining a Christian. now i can see that there never was.
1. i use the word trouble here because all the other words are too loaded. if i say "struggle" then i would have to deal with the connotations that word carries with in Christian circles. to struggle is a familiar cliche in Christian circles, i trust that the reader will be familiar with the connotations and i wish to avoid those.
2. it still pains me to think back on so many hours and nights spent pleading with god to grant these two simple desires. are we not taught that if we seek the lord he will give us the desires of our hearts? what prayer is more pure than that? how cruel must god be to deny this simple desire? espescially when he seems to command us to love him and abide in his love and to make certain our belief. when in numerous places we are told these are graces given to Christians? yes i am aware of Mother T's darkness. but doesn't that just as easily make a case for unbelief? that someone so devout and sacrificial would be denied god's grace seems to make god either cruel, impotent, or worse - a being malevolent who plays head games with those who seek him. i would rather believe in no god than a god like that.
3. again language entraps me. i am certain that the Christian meta-narrative will be read into this last statement. "Perhaps" someone might comment, "that voice was that of Satin tempting you away." i know some who would make that assertion with nothing but good intentions and still others will do so out of malice or fear. all i can say is i don't think that is the case but when you are dealing with metaphysics you can't really argue with folks interpretations because you have left the realm of reason. so i will let it be. for now.
4. i wish i could express this better with out invoking the gnostic dualisms inherent in the dichotomy present in Christian economy of self but i can't.
5. big shocker i know. yeah i am really really smart. i think about a lot of things all at the same time all the time. that is what a lot of us do, we drink because it gets us down to "normal."
6. like say, i dono, an Almighty standing right there to help me "fight the good fight" or "abide in faith" or provide grace to believe.
4. i wish i could express this better with out invoking the gnostic dualisms inherent in the dichotomy present in Christian economy of self but i can't.
5. big shocker i know. yeah i am really really smart. i think about a lot of things all at the same time all the time. that is what a lot of us do, we drink because it gets us down to "normal."
6. like say, i dono, an Almighty standing right there to help me "fight the good fight" or "abide in faith" or provide grace to believe.
12.02.2007
On This Day 12.02
i have, in my possession a four by eight slip of paper issued to me by the Office of Vital Statistics in Topeka Kansas. in heavy block letters from a type writer it states that on December 2, 1973 at 2:44am i was a live birth. 12 months earlier the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that abortions were legal in the historic Roe v. Wade decision. i couldn't help but think of this when i listened to a commentator on NPR reflect on his birth in the 50's. he was complaining how as a boomer he had to compete with over 5 million others for jobs and schools and girls. which i suppose would be tough. of course, one wonders if after Roe there hadn't been around 40,000,000 abortions of my generation and the next if the boomers wouldn't have been called something else since our numbers would have likely surpassed theirs had not so many of us been prevented from receiving "Certificates of Live Birth." one wonders.
today is Sunday, December 2, 2007. this is the 336th day of the year, with 29 days remaining in 2007. today is also the feast day of St. Chromatius of Aquilea, St.Silvanus of Constantinople, St. Nonnus and St. Bibiana or Viviana (apparently they aren't "of" any place). Advent also begins today.
in 1823 President James Monroe outlined the "Monroe Doctrine" opposing European expansion in the Western Hemisphere. today is also Pan American Health Day, Lao People's Democratic Republic National Day, as well as independence day for the UAE who were ruled by the Brits until 1971. with all that oil laying about i hope they are careful with the sparklers and bottle rockets.
in 1804 Napoleon was crowned the first emperor of France and short men all around the world rejoiced. a year latter on this day he defeated the Austrians and Russians. an event, that if you subscribe to the all things are connected meta-narrative you must conclude that that event led to the political career of our beloved Governator.
speaking of foreboding doom, in 1816 the first U.S. savings bank, the Philadelphia Savings Fund Society, opened. latter in the next century we would see the savings and loan scandals that rocked the economy here in the U.S.
in 1901 King Camp Gillette patented a safety razor with a double edged disposable blade. it is doubtful he foresaw the proliferation of modifications to his invention - 2 blade, then 4, what are we up to now? 12? 27? they all have really cool names and cost more than some small countries entire GDP.
La Guardia Airport opened on this day in 1939. three years latter in 42 the first "self sustaining nuclear chain reaction was achieved, at the University of Chicago (the first man made one, the sun and all the stars had been running quite fine all by themselves for a bizillion years). twelve years latter in 54 Joseph McCarthy was condemned and silenced by the U.S. Senate and in 61 Fidel Castro declared himself a Marxist-Leninist who would lead Cuba to Communism. also the EPA started on this day in 1970.
in 1980 Denali National Park and Preserve in Alaska was established when Denali National Monument and Mount McKinley National Park were combined. As were Alaska's Glacier Bay National Monument, Katmai National Monument, Kenai Fjords National Park, Kobuk Valley National Park, Lake Clark National Park and Wrangell-Saint Elias National Park and Preserve.
a Dentist Barney Clark received the first permanent artificial heart on this day in 1982. the heart was developed by Dr. Robert K. Jarvik. Jarvik is the weird looking dude you see on TV pimping anti-cholesterol pills.
other live births of note:
French painter, leader of Pointillism Georges Seurat (silent s and silent t) was born in 1859. he used little dots of pure color, a refinement of the work of the impressionists. he would die of pneumonia at 31.
General Alexander Haig was also born today in 1924. he would go on to serve as Nixon's chief of staff during Watergate. he had the coolest title in the world - "Supreme Allied Commander Europe of NATO. he also served as Reagan's Secretary of State.
Versace was born today in 1946, as well as Lucy Liu (1968), Monica Seles (1973), and Nelly Furtado (1978)
Ringling brother Charles was born in 1863. and bringing together "art" and circus freak entertainment - 118 years latter Briney Spears was born.
in the obits:
1814 - Marquis de Sade, French aristocrat and writer of violent porn.
1859 - John Brown, Kansas anti-hero, terrorist, and militant abolitionist was executed for his raid on Harper's Ferry.
1993 - Pablo Escobar, Colombian drug lord.
today is Sunday, December 2, 2007. this is the 336th day of the year, with 29 days remaining in 2007. today is also the feast day of St. Chromatius of Aquilea, St.Silvanus of Constantinople, St. Nonnus and St. Bibiana or Viviana (apparently they aren't "of" any place). Advent also begins today.
in 1823 President James Monroe outlined the "Monroe Doctrine" opposing European expansion in the Western Hemisphere. today is also Pan American Health Day, Lao People's Democratic Republic National Day, as well as independence day for the UAE who were ruled by the Brits until 1971. with all that oil laying about i hope they are careful with the sparklers and bottle rockets.
in 1804 Napoleon was crowned the first emperor of France and short men all around the world rejoiced. a year latter on this day he defeated the Austrians and Russians. an event, that if you subscribe to the all things are connected meta-narrative you must conclude that that event led to the political career of our beloved Governator.
speaking of foreboding doom, in 1816 the first U.S. savings bank, the Philadelphia Savings Fund Society, opened. latter in the next century we would see the savings and loan scandals that rocked the economy here in the U.S.
in 1901 King Camp Gillette patented a safety razor with a double edged disposable blade. it is doubtful he foresaw the proliferation of modifications to his invention - 2 blade, then 4, what are we up to now? 12? 27? they all have really cool names and cost more than some small countries entire GDP.
La Guardia Airport opened on this day in 1939. three years latter in 42 the first "self sustaining nuclear chain reaction was achieved, at the University of Chicago (the first man made one, the sun and all the stars had been running quite fine all by themselves for a bizillion years). twelve years latter in 54 Joseph McCarthy was condemned and silenced by the U.S. Senate and in 61 Fidel Castro declared himself a Marxist-Leninist who would lead Cuba to Communism. also the EPA started on this day in 1970.
in 1980 Denali National Park and Preserve in Alaska was established when Denali National Monument and Mount McKinley National Park were combined. As were Alaska's Glacier Bay National Monument, Katmai National Monument, Kenai Fjords National Park, Kobuk Valley National Park, Lake Clark National Park and Wrangell-Saint Elias National Park and Preserve.
a Dentist Barney Clark received the first permanent artificial heart on this day in 1982. the heart was developed by Dr. Robert K. Jarvik. Jarvik is the weird looking dude you see on TV pimping anti-cholesterol pills.
other live births of note:
French painter, leader of Pointillism Georges Seurat (silent s and silent t) was born in 1859. he used little dots of pure color, a refinement of the work of the impressionists. he would die of pneumonia at 31.
General Alexander Haig was also born today in 1924. he would go on to serve as Nixon's chief of staff during Watergate. he had the coolest title in the world - "Supreme Allied Commander Europe of NATO. he also served as Reagan's Secretary of State.
Versace was born today in 1946, as well as Lucy Liu (1968), Monica Seles (1973), and Nelly Furtado (1978)
Ringling brother Charles was born in 1863. and bringing together "art" and circus freak entertainment - 118 years latter Briney Spears was born.
in the obits:
1814 - Marquis de Sade, French aristocrat and writer of violent porn.
1859 - John Brown, Kansas anti-hero, terrorist, and militant abolitionist was executed for his raid on Harper's Ferry.
1993 - Pablo Escobar, Colombian drug lord.
11.30.2007
An Open Letter
Caveat: i have received a few emails and comments on this and other blogs from folks asking me (or accusing me?), well to put it bluntly, about the state of my soul. this post and a few to follow are an attempt to offer an answer.
when i was just shy of 18 my older brother stood in the door way of our house and told me i should go to church "It'ld be good for ya." i had been to church before, i mean, i grew up in rural Kansas for crying out loud - you can't grow up in rural Kansas and not attend church at least a couple times in your life. i went because Dan Scharenberg would invite me when we were kids. when i hit puberty i went a few times because cute girls went to church. i also would make an appearance from time to time at a little baptist church - those times being the monthly potluck.
all those times however it didn't "stick" so to speak. i had no idea what it was about nor did i care. i went because of the girls and the food and i played along because there was something to be gained.
but i worshiped my older brother so when he told me to go i went. a few years latter i found myself standing on the bed of a hay truck on the solstice and i had what many would call a conversion experience. i didn't pray any prayers or hear the voice of god or anything like that. i can't really explain it. oh i had prayed the "sinner's prayer" a few years earlier, and i even got baptised. but i really didn't know what i was doing or why - except that i liked the people (because they liked me) and also, i was kind of a bad person (i thought) and being young and impressionable i believed it when i was told that i was going to hell and that if i just prayed this prayer god wouldn't send me to hell forever and ever and ever.
fire insurance. that is what it was, i know that for sure, at first. the "conversion"(1) in the hay field i think was more of that, but also a conscious commitment to this strange and seemingly ubiquitous thing called Christianity. that fall i was off to KU where i would meet some really amazing people - James and Cade and others who are among my most loved friends. i would get involved in student ministries, find myself an amazing church where i would get my start in youth ministry, and where i would discover my philosophical/theological passions.
but it was in that hay field that i would make a choice that would determine the next 14 years of my life - for better or for worse. i was, i think it is safe to say, "groomed"(2) for ministry. i was told i have certain gifts and what that meant and how i was to use them and so on. i began a decade and a half of serious self study of the bible and church history and Christian (orthodox little "o" and Reformed btw) doctrine as well as philosophy and other related fields. I began immediately to shape my life goals around this "calling." (3)
but all this study was also about something else. there is something about the human psyche that when we know something but don't want to know it we are able, for a time, to suppress the knowing so that it is only a still small voice in the back of our minds. to do this we occupy ourselves with any number of amusements and bulwarks. some folks over eat, others over work, still others take a more direct route and they numb their brains with booze and/or drugs. i now see that all my efforts to understand Christianity, to master it's many legion minutia, and ultimately my efforts to comprehend and therefore Know the God of Christianity - these efforts were really a coping mechanism. they were an effort to gain two things; to love god and know his love, and to be rid of that nagging voice that told me i wasn't really a Christian.
and like a person who shoots up to forget i had to find new sources of numbness when i built up a tolerance for the old ones. i would pursue a path within Christianity in hopes that it would finally quiet the voice in my head. that voice that kept trying to tell me that i didn't really believe all this stuff. and as i have said, along with that nagging voice i had begun to notice that there was one commonality that all "true" Christians I had known or read about had but which had managed to elude me - the experience of god(4). when i had found that i had trod that path until i knew it by heart and had discovered that it held no answers but instead lead to no where i would try another path. intellectualism failed so i tried to revive the Puritans, when that didn't work i moved on to Edwardian Christianity, and then ancient Christianity, and then mysticism and on and on and on (5)
no matter how hard i searched i could not find god, no matter how hard i tried i could not quiet that voice that kept telling me that i was faking it, that i didn't really believe any of this.
but i carried on. i carried on for more than a decade. so really, when it comes down to it i was just playing the same old game i had always played with myself when it came to the faith - this time i wasn't going to church for the girls(6) or the food, i was faking it because this time i wanted it to be true, i had found a home if you will - but it was still a charade. i didn't really believe, and i still didn't love god or know of anything i would call his love.
by the time i found myself doing "professional" ministry i had also developed a good strong drinking habit. i think it was the cognitive dissonance of pretending to be a Christian and preaching it while all the time knowing that i was really just a fraud. i couldn't make Christianity work. or maybe that isn't right. Christianity had failed me. i dono how to put it.
(This post is getting quite long so I will continue this in a couple of days, thanks for your patience)
1. Conversion is the wrong word. It implies that i converted from one consciously held belief system/ideology to another. But I didn't have a previous system or belief. So conversion is the wrong word but i can't think of a better one right now so it stands.
2. I hate it when people use that word in that way. But again the language fails me and I am stuck with it.
3. You could say I drank the cool-aid. I threw away my secular CD's, quit drinking, listened exclusively to Christian music, Christian radio, read only Christian books - I was quite the Religious-Right-Dobsonian Disciple.
4. By this I mean a few things. I never once felt that god loved me, nor did i ever have any love for god. I would hear others speak of their relationship with god and i would have to fake my way through the conversation because while I could understand theoretically what they were talking about I never had the experience, or feeling, or what ever you want to call it. Not once, not ever. And I also mean the experience that is reported by others of answered prayers, or even sensing that I was doing anything more than praying to an invisible friend. I had, I suppose "experiences" in which I would be moved emotionally by worship or a sermon or what have you. But I could not have distinguished those things from similar things I had "experienced" at ball games or concerts or while watching an "inspiring" film.
5. That isn't entirely true. I have to admit that it didn't hurt to have girls think you were this uber christian dude. And while we are at it, I think I stayed around so long also because the potlucks are so damn good.
6. I am ashamed to admit that I at first fell into a very American-eh-vangelicalism... you know, the whole 6 ways to know god-have a happy life-raise godly kids-know what Republican to vote for-middle class American religion-eh-vangelicalism.
_______________________________
when i was just shy of 18 my older brother stood in the door way of our house and told me i should go to church "It'ld be good for ya." i had been to church before, i mean, i grew up in rural Kansas for crying out loud - you can't grow up in rural Kansas and not attend church at least a couple times in your life. i went because Dan Scharenberg would invite me when we were kids. when i hit puberty i went a few times because cute girls went to church. i also would make an appearance from time to time at a little baptist church - those times being the monthly potluck.
all those times however it didn't "stick" so to speak. i had no idea what it was about nor did i care. i went because of the girls and the food and i played along because there was something to be gained.
but i worshiped my older brother so when he told me to go i went. a few years latter i found myself standing on the bed of a hay truck on the solstice and i had what many would call a conversion experience. i didn't pray any prayers or hear the voice of god or anything like that. i can't really explain it. oh i had prayed the "sinner's prayer" a few years earlier, and i even got baptised. but i really didn't know what i was doing or why - except that i liked the people (because they liked me) and also, i was kind of a bad person (i thought) and being young and impressionable i believed it when i was told that i was going to hell and that if i just prayed this prayer god wouldn't send me to hell forever and ever and ever.
fire insurance. that is what it was, i know that for sure, at first. the "conversion"(1) in the hay field i think was more of that, but also a conscious commitment to this strange and seemingly ubiquitous thing called Christianity. that fall i was off to KU where i would meet some really amazing people - James and Cade and others who are among my most loved friends. i would get involved in student ministries, find myself an amazing church where i would get my start in youth ministry, and where i would discover my philosophical/theological passions.
but it was in that hay field that i would make a choice that would determine the next 14 years of my life - for better or for worse. i was, i think it is safe to say, "groomed"(2) for ministry. i was told i have certain gifts and what that meant and how i was to use them and so on. i began a decade and a half of serious self study of the bible and church history and Christian (orthodox little "o" and Reformed btw) doctrine as well as philosophy and other related fields. I began immediately to shape my life goals around this "calling." (3)
but all this study was also about something else. there is something about the human psyche that when we know something but don't want to know it we are able, for a time, to suppress the knowing so that it is only a still small voice in the back of our minds. to do this we occupy ourselves with any number of amusements and bulwarks. some folks over eat, others over work, still others take a more direct route and they numb their brains with booze and/or drugs. i now see that all my efforts to understand Christianity, to master it's many legion minutia, and ultimately my efforts to comprehend and therefore Know the God of Christianity - these efforts were really a coping mechanism. they were an effort to gain two things; to love god and know his love, and to be rid of that nagging voice that told me i wasn't really a Christian.
and like a person who shoots up to forget i had to find new sources of numbness when i built up a tolerance for the old ones. i would pursue a path within Christianity in hopes that it would finally quiet the voice in my head. that voice that kept trying to tell me that i didn't really believe all this stuff. and as i have said, along with that nagging voice i had begun to notice that there was one commonality that all "true" Christians I had known or read about had but which had managed to elude me - the experience of god(4). when i had found that i had trod that path until i knew it by heart and had discovered that it held no answers but instead lead to no where i would try another path. intellectualism failed so i tried to revive the Puritans, when that didn't work i moved on to Edwardian Christianity, and then ancient Christianity, and then mysticism and on and on and on (5)
no matter how hard i searched i could not find god, no matter how hard i tried i could not quiet that voice that kept telling me that i was faking it, that i didn't really believe any of this.
but i carried on. i carried on for more than a decade. so really, when it comes down to it i was just playing the same old game i had always played with myself when it came to the faith - this time i wasn't going to church for the girls(6) or the food, i was faking it because this time i wanted it to be true, i had found a home if you will - but it was still a charade. i didn't really believe, and i still didn't love god or know of anything i would call his love.
by the time i found myself doing "professional" ministry i had also developed a good strong drinking habit. i think it was the cognitive dissonance of pretending to be a Christian and preaching it while all the time knowing that i was really just a fraud. i couldn't make Christianity work. or maybe that isn't right. Christianity had failed me. i dono how to put it.
(This post is getting quite long so I will continue this in a couple of days, thanks for your patience)
____________________________
1. Conversion is the wrong word. It implies that i converted from one consciously held belief system/ideology to another. But I didn't have a previous system or belief. So conversion is the wrong word but i can't think of a better one right now so it stands.
2. I hate it when people use that word in that way. But again the language fails me and I am stuck with it.
3. You could say I drank the cool-aid. I threw away my secular CD's, quit drinking, listened exclusively to Christian music, Christian radio, read only Christian books - I was quite the Religious-Right-Dobsonian Disciple.
4. By this I mean a few things. I never once felt that god loved me, nor did i ever have any love for god. I would hear others speak of their relationship with god and i would have to fake my way through the conversation because while I could understand theoretically what they were talking about I never had the experience, or feeling, or what ever you want to call it. Not once, not ever. And I also mean the experience that is reported by others of answered prayers, or even sensing that I was doing anything more than praying to an invisible friend. I had, I suppose "experiences" in which I would be moved emotionally by worship or a sermon or what have you. But I could not have distinguished those things from similar things I had "experienced" at ball games or concerts or while watching an "inspiring" film.
5. That isn't entirely true. I have to admit that it didn't hurt to have girls think you were this uber christian dude. And while we are at it, I think I stayed around so long also because the potlucks are so damn good.
6. I am ashamed to admit that I at first fell into a very American-eh-vangelicalism... you know, the whole 6 ways to know god-have a happy life-raise godly kids-know what Republican to vote for-middle class American religion-eh-vangelicalism.
11.24.2007
Rock Chalk
11.10.2007
Technology is so advanced...
awesome. i don't check my online bank statements often (i am paperless) so i was surprised when today i checked and actually looked at what was being charged on my bank card to learn that i am paying for AOL.
i don't have AOL. I haven't for a couple years now.
i am mike's outrage. i am now officially a victim of ID theft.
some ass is using my debit card number to pay for their AOL and some other services. they are small amounts and i don't check my online statements all that often so they have gotten away with this for almost a year now.
$20 here, $30 there. the lady at the bank said this is how they get away with it. the amounts are small enough not to catch your attention. it is my fault for not daily checking my statements.
man i feel dumb.
AOL was not helpful at all (no, really?). after an hour of going through the automated phone service -
CompuVoice 3000: "Welcome to AOL, how can we help you... Please state the reason for your call...." lists a dozen things that ARE NOT why i called. i have just entered into familiar territory -customer service hell.
Me: "uh, help?"
CompuVoice 3000: "Please state the reason for your call...." this time the option of "none of the above is listed.
Me: "none of the above."
CompuVoice 3000: "Please enter or say your account number"
Me: .... "uh, i don't have one???"
CompuVoice 3000: "I am sorry, what was that?"
Me Getting Frustrated: "I don't have one..."
CompuVoice 3000: "Ok, if you have your account number or log in information we can direct your call"
Angry Me: "fuck me, uh operator please."
CompuVoice 3000: "What was that? Please repeat."
Totally Loosing it with a non entity me: "I SAID FUCK!"
CompuVoice 3000: "I am sorry, did you say you wanted to upgrade your service?"
Stunned Me: "Operator... Operator.... OPERATOR .... OP-ERRRAAAAATOOORRRR!"
an hour or so latter....
CompuVoice: "Ok, lets start again. Please state the reason for your call."
i finally got a young lady in India who barely spoke english. she at first didn't want to even cancel the account because MY NAME DIDN'T MATCH WHAT WAS ON THE ACCOUNT even though it was my name on the card. then she wouldn't tell me who's name is on the account for, wait for it.... security purposes!
wow. i have now entered into some surreal alternate reality. i am down the rabbit hole, through the looking glass and looking for either the red pill or the blue pill. anything that will get me home.
i called my bank and they said this is pretty common and they were shocked that AOL wouldn't give me the name of the person using my card. so now i have to cancel my debit card and wait five days for a new one with new numbers. that means no access to my money except by going to the bank directly. technology is so advanced. they may or may not be able to reimburse me for the amounts i have lost (upwards of a couple hundred by now). understandable i guess because if i would have been paying attention i would have caught this right away.
so ready for the end of the world.
i don't have AOL. I haven't for a couple years now.
i am mike's outrage. i am now officially a victim of ID theft.
some ass is using my debit card number to pay for their AOL and some other services. they are small amounts and i don't check my online statements all that often so they have gotten away with this for almost a year now.
$20 here, $30 there. the lady at the bank said this is how they get away with it. the amounts are small enough not to catch your attention. it is my fault for not daily checking my statements.
man i feel dumb.
AOL was not helpful at all (no, really?). after an hour of going through the automated phone service -
CompuVoice 3000: "Welcome to AOL, how can we help you... Please state the reason for your call...." lists a dozen things that ARE NOT why i called. i have just entered into familiar territory -customer service hell.
Me: "uh, help?"
CompuVoice 3000: "Please state the reason for your call...." this time the option of "none of the above is listed.
Me: "none of the above."
CompuVoice 3000: "Please enter or say your account number"
Me: .... "uh, i don't have one???"
CompuVoice 3000: "I am sorry, what was that?"
Me Getting Frustrated: "I don't have one..."
CompuVoice 3000: "Ok, if you have your account number or log in information we can direct your call"
Angry Me: "fuck me, uh operator please."
CompuVoice 3000: "What was that? Please repeat."
Totally Loosing it with a non entity me: "I SAID FUCK!"
CompuVoice 3000: "I am sorry, did you say you wanted to upgrade your service?"
Stunned Me: "Operator... Operator.... OPERATOR .... OP-ERRRAAAAATOOORRRR!"
an hour or so latter....
CompuVoice: "Ok, lets start again. Please state the reason for your call."
i finally got a young lady in India who barely spoke english. she at first didn't want to even cancel the account because MY NAME DIDN'T MATCH WHAT WAS ON THE ACCOUNT even though it was my name on the card. then she wouldn't tell me who's name is on the account for, wait for it.... security purposes!
wow. i have now entered into some surreal alternate reality. i am down the rabbit hole, through the looking glass and looking for either the red pill or the blue pill. anything that will get me home.
i called my bank and they said this is pretty common and they were shocked that AOL wouldn't give me the name of the person using my card. so now i have to cancel my debit card and wait five days for a new one with new numbers. that means no access to my money except by going to the bank directly. technology is so advanced. they may or may not be able to reimburse me for the amounts i have lost (upwards of a couple hundred by now). understandable i guess because if i would have been paying attention i would have caught this right away.
so ready for the end of the world.
10.24.2007
hey look, i blogged again.
a woman is rescued from a car just moments before a train hits it and we say god was looking out for her. a christian camp is spared from the flames of a forest fire and folks bless god and talk about how god must have had his angels surrounding the camp. cancer that was there 2 weeks ago is now completely gone, not a trace of cancer, answered prayers we suspect. the mortgage is due and there is no money to cover it, but a check arrives for just the exact amount that is due - god is good to his children.
so why is it that when the woman isn't rescued we don't give credit to god? and what about the many homes that weren't spared in the fire: where were the angels, were they all busy protecting the camp? when the tumors grow and can't be treated; where the prayers not loud enough, were the right words not used, was there not enough faith? when the bills keep coming but there is no check in the mail, is god not good to all of his children, or is this a way of designating who really are is children and who aren't?
the way i see it, and this is just me i guess, but the way i see it if we are going to give god credit for the good then we should be consistent and give him credit for the bad as well. or if your god is not so omnipotent or omniscient then you have to at least put one in the "E- error" column as often as you put marks in the assist column (1).
these are questions that have been answered, at least technically, by earnest folks from all points of view. but somehow none of them have been answered satisfactorily, the way i see it. sure, "god works all things for the good of those who love him." aside from the obvious problems this little bible-bit creates(2), does anyone really find this satisfactory? i mean, not when you aren't forced by circumstance to ask the questions, but when it counts, when you really need a reason to believe in the benevolence of god.
what options are you left with, really?
i would be really impressed if the same folks who want to bless god for every big and little good thing would also be willing to stand up and bluntly declare, when the shit hits the fan, with equal fervor that "yup, god really fucked us that time(3)."
1. i am fully aware that i am mixing my sports metaphors.
2. if god works all things for the good of those who love him, i am inclined to ask why an omnipotent, omniscient benevolent god couldn't have stayed late and found a way to work the good without the bad stuff. oh yes, the good is our character development, or the strengthening of our faith, or whatever - you pick one. so, then taking the strengthening of faith angle, god wants us to have a stronger faith so he makes/lets (pick your poison) bad things come to us that "tests our faith" and the testing makes it stronger. we want to doubt, but we muster up the strength to have faith anyway. to me that sounds like a giant transcendent head fuck. but that is just me. this makes god out to be a big manipulator.
3. can't wait for the comments from the faithful anonymous.
so why is it that when the woman isn't rescued we don't give credit to god? and what about the many homes that weren't spared in the fire: where were the angels, were they all busy protecting the camp? when the tumors grow and can't be treated; where the prayers not loud enough, were the right words not used, was there not enough faith? when the bills keep coming but there is no check in the mail, is god not good to all of his children, or is this a way of designating who really are is children and who aren't?
the way i see it, and this is just me i guess, but the way i see it if we are going to give god credit for the good then we should be consistent and give him credit for the bad as well. or if your god is not so omnipotent or omniscient then you have to at least put one in the "E- error" column as often as you put marks in the assist column (1).
these are questions that have been answered, at least technically, by earnest folks from all points of view. but somehow none of them have been answered satisfactorily, the way i see it. sure, "god works all things for the good of those who love him." aside from the obvious problems this little bible-bit creates(2), does anyone really find this satisfactory? i mean, not when you aren't forced by circumstance to ask the questions, but when it counts, when you really need a reason to believe in the benevolence of god.
what options are you left with, really?
i would be really impressed if the same folks who want to bless god for every big and little good thing would also be willing to stand up and bluntly declare, when the shit hits the fan, with equal fervor that "yup, god really fucked us that time(3)."
1. i am fully aware that i am mixing my sports metaphors.
2. if god works all things for the good of those who love him, i am inclined to ask why an omnipotent, omniscient benevolent god couldn't have stayed late and found a way to work the good without the bad stuff. oh yes, the good is our character development, or the strengthening of our faith, or whatever - you pick one. so, then taking the strengthening of faith angle, god wants us to have a stronger faith so he makes/lets (pick your poison) bad things come to us that "tests our faith" and the testing makes it stronger. we want to doubt, but we muster up the strength to have faith anyway. to me that sounds like a giant transcendent head fuck. but that is just me. this makes god out to be a big manipulator.
3. can't wait for the comments from the faithful anonymous.
10.01.2007
A Graduation, A Wedding, A Tasing, and Brokeass
there is a good chance that with in the next week or so i will be seen on CNN or YouTube getting tasered, (or is it "tased?").
given my outstanding experiences flying with our nations out dated, over worked, we-got-your-money-so-screw-off-you-can't-do-anything-about-it system (see left sidebar) you would think that i would never fly again. but this month i am flying twice with in a 7 day period.
first my nephew is graduating from boot camp on the 5th in S.C. and i am flying out there to see him. i could not be more proud of him. he was way too smart for school so he struggled and dropped out (i should have done that). the empire's public schools really suck(1). like many poor kids (rural or urban) his options were limited. so he did what many poor kids do, he joined the military. he scored really high on his entrance exams and entered in at E3, then they made him squad leader. anyway, i am really proud of him. the kid is sharp as a tack - he takes after his uncle that way. yeah yeah, i am not a fan of the military industrial complex, but you now the line - support the troops not the warlords.
then on the 10th my little brother is getting married for the second time. this time he is doing it right - he is getting married in Vegas. my family really does weddings right. lots of booze, a big party, a fist fight or two, you know, traditional(2). i probably won't be home for Christmas this year cause of money so it will be good to see him. did i say it was in Vegas? yeah, sweet i know.
aside from the obvious - i am sure to get screwed by on one of these flights and miss one of these important events - in which case i WILL STRANGLE SOMEONE.
aside from potential homicide - aggravated VERY AGGRAVATED right? - i am also just about broke now after booking flights and hotels and cars and blah blah blah. really, i kid you not i am going to be about $500 short this month. i am thinking of selling crack(3).
but i love my family and i am a rad brother/uncle so i will endure what ever the airlines throw at me... but... but if i miss one of these two things because of the airlines........
watch for me on CNN, i will be the irate man they are tasing... "don't tase me dude... DON'T TASE ME DUDE!" if you request it in the comments i will give you a shout out as they drag my tased ass off the plane.
1. no offence if you are a teacher. you all don't get payed enough.
2. maybe one day i will tell some stories. probably not, at least not on the blog, but if you buy me a beer i will tell you a few that will have your sides splitting.
3. anybody want to buy some crack from me?
given my outstanding experiences flying with our nations out dated, over worked, we-got-your-money-so-screw-off-you-can't-do-anything-about-it system (see left sidebar) you would think that i would never fly again. but this month i am flying twice with in a 7 day period.
first my nephew is graduating from boot camp on the 5th in S.C. and i am flying out there to see him. i could not be more proud of him. he was way too smart for school so he struggled and dropped out (i should have done that). the empire's public schools really suck(1). like many poor kids (rural or urban) his options were limited. so he did what many poor kids do, he joined the military. he scored really high on his entrance exams and entered in at E3, then they made him squad leader. anyway, i am really proud of him. the kid is sharp as a tack - he takes after his uncle that way. yeah yeah, i am not a fan of the military industrial complex, but you now the line - support the troops not the warlords.
then on the 10th my little brother is getting married for the second time. this time he is doing it right - he is getting married in Vegas. my family really does weddings right. lots of booze, a big party, a fist fight or two, you know, traditional(2). i probably won't be home for Christmas this year cause of money so it will be good to see him. did i say it was in Vegas? yeah, sweet i know.
aside from the obvious - i am sure to get screwed by on one of these flights and miss one of these important events - in which case i WILL STRANGLE SOMEONE.
aside from potential homicide - aggravated VERY AGGRAVATED right? - i am also just about broke now after booking flights and hotels and cars and blah blah blah. really, i kid you not i am going to be about $500 short this month. i am thinking of selling crack(3).
but i love my family and i am a rad brother/uncle so i will endure what ever the airlines throw at me... but... but if i miss one of these two things because of the airlines........
watch for me on CNN, i will be the irate man they are tasing... "don't tase me dude... DON'T TASE ME DUDE!" if you request it in the comments i will give you a shout out as they drag my tased ass off the plane.
1. no offence if you are a teacher. you all don't get payed enough.
2. maybe one day i will tell some stories. probably not, at least not on the blog, but if you buy me a beer i will tell you a few that will have your sides splitting.
3. anybody want to buy some crack from me?
9.30.2007
marriage
the appeal of marriage, to me at least, is in the creation of a little binary solar system. two little stars caught in each others orbit - destined to circle one another forever.
it is the ideal of two people consumed with each other. a world, a solar system, a universe all it's own. two people meet each other in a bar, at church, in home room, on the side of the road and half a century later they are recounting the story of their love. we have all experienced this - if only in the movies. there is a requisite amount of awe when listening to the retelling of this minuscule cosmology.
what a beautiful way to create meaning and purpose in an otherwise empty and absurd existence. for these two all that matters is the other. every one else be damned. all others are only passing comets, or stellar bodies caught in the gravity of the two - satellites.
when they are together, who gives a fuck about fame or fortune or the opinions of others. all that matters is the two together.
i shared this thought - desire - with a close friend and she reminded me that this isn't really a christian concept of marriage. after all, for the christian the neglect of "the others" in our lives is considered a sin of omission. the christian is not ever to forget her/his duty to love thy neighbor. what is more, a psychologist might consider this a co-dependent relationship. apparently it is not "healthy" to dissolve individuality and independence.
but given only these two options - emotional health or consumption with the one other - i choose co-dependence.
i imagine this, i hope for it knowing fully that it will likely never happen for me. but the thought of it still gives me comfort so long as the possibility exists.
it is the ideal of two people consumed with each other. a world, a solar system, a universe all it's own. two people meet each other in a bar, at church, in home room, on the side of the road and half a century later they are recounting the story of their love. we have all experienced this - if only in the movies. there is a requisite amount of awe when listening to the retelling of this minuscule cosmology.
what a beautiful way to create meaning and purpose in an otherwise empty and absurd existence. for these two all that matters is the other. every one else be damned. all others are only passing comets, or stellar bodies caught in the gravity of the two - satellites.
when they are together, who gives a fuck about fame or fortune or the opinions of others. all that matters is the two together.
i shared this thought - desire - with a close friend and she reminded me that this isn't really a christian concept of marriage. after all, for the christian the neglect of "the others" in our lives is considered a sin of omission. the christian is not ever to forget her/his duty to love thy neighbor. what is more, a psychologist might consider this a co-dependent relationship. apparently it is not "healthy" to dissolve individuality and independence.
but given only these two options - emotional health or consumption with the one other - i choose co-dependence.
i imagine this, i hope for it knowing fully that it will likely never happen for me. but the thought of it still gives me comfort so long as the possibility exists.
9.21.2007
Our Crappy Local Paper, and My Current #1 Pet Peeve
the illustrious Santa Cruz sentinel's front page story below the fold was this:
Henfling's Tavern dog a victim of 'gang execution-style killing'
yeah. "Gang Execution Style Killing" you read that right.
but wait, it gets better. here is a quote: "This Person literally took a handgun and shot her right between the eyes..." emphasis mine.
"literally?" as if there would be another way of shooting the dog right between the eyes? could someone have killed the dog by figuratively shooting the dog?
or perhaps metaphorically? or rhetorically?
i hate it when folks use the word literally as an intensifier. people come close and listen carefully... LITERALLY DOES NOT MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS!
i really don't know what irritated me more about this article, the use of the word literally or the fact that it MADE THE FRONT PAGE!
frick dude.
Henfling's Tavern dog a victim of 'gang execution-style killing'
yeah. "Gang Execution Style Killing" you read that right.
but wait, it gets better. here is a quote: "This Person literally took a handgun and shot her right between the eyes..." emphasis mine.
"literally?" as if there would be another way of shooting the dog right between the eyes? could someone have killed the dog by figuratively shooting the dog?
or perhaps metaphorically? or rhetorically?
i hate it when folks use the word literally as an intensifier. people come close and listen carefully... LITERALLY DOES NOT MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS!
i really don't know what irritated me more about this article, the use of the word literally or the fact that it MADE THE FRONT PAGE!
frick dude.
9.18.2007
Fun at Work
+ (plus)
= (equals)
Field Dressing: Paper Towel and Packing Tape. I prefer Duct Tape. Also, ABS Glue works well.
$490 Latter....
It is only six stitches. Minus the $80 for the TD shot (Tetnis + Diphtheria *) that is $68.33 per stitch!
I walked into the clinic and asked the lady at the front desk if this needed stitches. She jumped back and said "SHIT! Sorry. Um yeah." The doctor said I basically fileted my thumb. Cool huh?
* apperantly there have been some "Outbreaks" of Diphtheria. Better call Butch and Sundance and see if they can trek the cases of Diphtheria medicine through the snow to the village! ... any one? ok. so you don't get the reference.
9.17.2007
Ok, fine. You asked if you could view the poetry blog (one of the buttons on the left) so it is now open to the public again. Frick. It isn't like that steaming pile is going to be published anyway.
Really it was only a couple of people but it is more of a hassle to give people permission than to just make it public.
So there. You can quit bitching. You know who you are.
Really it was only a couple of people but it is more of a hassle to give people permission than to just make it public.
So there. You can quit bitching. You know who you are.
9.14.2007
i don't believe in god.
at least not all the time. it is more of a daily kind of thing. i mostly waver between being mad at the god i believe in and being mad at god for not existing. so at least i am consistent.
i was trying to explain this to someone the other day and they had a hard time understanding. they knew that i preached a while back and it didn't add up that someone who doesn't believe in god would preach. "why would you preach if you don't believe it?" they kept asking.
all i could say was that on that day i believed. "that is messed up, i don't get it." was their reply.
but i don't see what is so hard to "get" really. on the day i preached i believed what i was preaching. on other days i don't believe. it really couldn't be more simple.
he couldn't understand how i could preach if i weren't "right with god."
i asked him if he would ever preach. he said he wouldn't. cause preachers are "on a different page."
for this person if you are preaching you are on a "different page" they "live it" (their words). apparently for this guy people who preach and pastors, and other minister types are somehow supposed to be some how more spiritual or what ever than the rest of us.
does anyone else see how dangerously misguided this kind of thinking is?
there was a time when i thought like this. when i served in ministry it drove me crazy. i never felt like i measured up, i was never "right with god." in the end it just drove me to a lot of self loathing and heavy drinking.
why do we do this? why do we expect women and men who preach or pastor or what ever to be any different than you or me?
at least not all the time. it is more of a daily kind of thing. i mostly waver between being mad at the god i believe in and being mad at god for not existing. so at least i am consistent.
i was trying to explain this to someone the other day and they had a hard time understanding. they knew that i preached a while back and it didn't add up that someone who doesn't believe in god would preach. "why would you preach if you don't believe it?" they kept asking.
all i could say was that on that day i believed. "that is messed up, i don't get it." was their reply.
but i don't see what is so hard to "get" really. on the day i preached i believed what i was preaching. on other days i don't believe. it really couldn't be more simple.
he couldn't understand how i could preach if i weren't "right with god."
i asked him if he would ever preach. he said he wouldn't. cause preachers are "on a different page."
for this person if you are preaching you are on a "different page" they "live it" (their words). apparently for this guy people who preach and pastors, and other minister types are somehow supposed to be some how more spiritual or what ever than the rest of us.
does anyone else see how dangerously misguided this kind of thinking is?
there was a time when i thought like this. when i served in ministry it drove me crazy. i never felt like i measured up, i was never "right with god." in the end it just drove me to a lot of self loathing and heavy drinking.
why do we do this? why do we expect women and men who preach or pastor or what ever to be any different than you or me?
Changes
as you can see i have changed a lot of things on the blog. i am just trying it out for now, if i don't like it i can still go back to my classic blog (thanks Chuck for all your hard work).
it was just time to change things up a bit as the nature of the blog has changed.
let me know what you think.
btw: if your blog isn't linked don't worry i am still adding links and what not.
it was just time to change things up a bit as the nature of the blog has changed.
let me know what you think.
btw: if your blog isn't linked don't worry i am still adding links and what not.
9.09.2007
Book Review: Ron Currie Jr.'s God is Dead.
join me now for a little mental experiment.
what would you do if you learned that there was no god? i mean, if you absolutely knew for certain with out a doubt that there is no god, how would you feel? react?
would you go on living pretty much how you live now?(1) would you fall into despair? would you search out another ideology to guide your life or invent your own?
me? nihilism seems to be the only other route. if i were younger and had most of my life decisions still to make i would pursue a kind of Epicurean-Nietzsche-ian Ubermench life style in which i sought to create my own meaning by seeking my own desires regardless of how they effected others. but sadly i have made most of those decisions and my life is pretty much set in motion and there isn't much i can do about it.(2)
according to novelist Ron Currie when the world learns of God's death at the hands of the Janjaweed (through a talking ferrell dog who ate the late deity's body) everyone goes ape shit. then they begin worshiping children. and eventually we all find atheistic ideologies to give our lives to (and for). anything to give life meaning right?
his novel (found HERE) is really nine loosely connected stories that grow out of the first title chapter/story - God is Dead - in which god comes to earth in the form of aDarfur refugee woman who is in search of her brother and, ostensibly, to apologize to the boy presumably for the genocide. still with me? good.
and yes, it is a satire and he uses the absurd, the dark, and the humorous (sometimes at the same time) to tell his stories - that, btw, rather ironically begin with a bible verse.
i don't want to ruin the book for you so i won't say much more about the plot except to say that the myriad of reactions to the news that god was found dead lead some characters to kill each other in mass suicides, others, parents of what they believe to be exceptional children, to replace their worship and faith in god with worship and faith in their over adored children (a situation the government has a solution for), and still others choose sides in a war between the Evolutionary Psychologists and the
i know, sounds like a great read huh. but really it is. i couldn't put the book down. it is imaginative, very funny, mostly dark, and always thought provoking i highly recommend the book.
1. if you answer yes to this i would like to know why? i would have to agree with St. Paul that if there is no resurrection then all is for nothing and we are wasting our time so lets get drunk, eat until we puke and have a good time cause life is short.
2. no, i will not be like those pathetic men (or women) in their thirties who make fools of themselves trying to relive their lost post adolescence years by dressing like teenagers and chasing tail.
3. sorry for the lame link on this one but it does get around to explaining what it is.
God is Dead
Ron Currie Jr
what would you do if you learned that there was no god? i mean, if you absolutely knew for certain with out a doubt that there is no god, how would you feel? react?
would you go on living pretty much how you live now?(1) would you fall into despair? would you search out another ideology to guide your life or invent your own?
me? nihilism seems to be the only other route. if i were younger and had most of my life decisions still to make i would pursue a kind of Epicurean-Nietzsche-ian Ubermench life style in which i sought to create my own meaning by seeking my own desires regardless of how they effected others. but sadly i have made most of those decisions and my life is pretty much set in motion and there isn't much i can do about it.(2)
according to novelist Ron Currie when the world learns of God's death at the hands of the Janjaweed (through a talking ferrell dog who ate the late deity's body) everyone goes ape shit. then they begin worshiping children. and eventually we all find atheistic ideologies to give our lives to (and for). anything to give life meaning right?
his novel (found HERE) is really nine loosely connected stories that grow out of the first title chapter/story - God is Dead - in which god comes to earth in the form of aDarfur refugee woman who is in search of her brother and, ostensibly, to apologize to the boy presumably for the genocide. still with me? good.
and yes, it is a satire and he uses the absurd, the dark, and the humorous (sometimes at the same time) to tell his stories - that, btw, rather ironically begin with a bible verse.
i don't want to ruin the book for you so i won't say much more about the plot except to say that the myriad of reactions to the news that god was found dead lead some characters to kill each other in mass suicides, others, parents of what they believe to be exceptional children, to replace their worship and faith in god with worship and faith in their over adored children (a situation the government has a solution for), and still others choose sides in a war between the Evolutionary Psychologists and the
i know, sounds like a great read huh. but really it is. i couldn't put the book down. it is imaginative, very funny, mostly dark, and always thought provoking i highly recommend the book.
1. if you answer yes to this i would like to know why? i would have to agree with St. Paul that if there is no resurrection then all is for nothing and we are wasting our time so lets get drunk, eat until we puke and have a good time cause life is short.
2. no, i will not be like those pathetic men (or women) in their thirties who make fools of themselves trying to relive their lost post adolescence years by dressing like teenagers and chasing tail.
3. sorry for the lame link on this one but it does get around to explaining what it is.
God is Dead
Ron Currie Jr
9.06.2007
Saving Faith: Who Knows When the Sun Will Shine?
I am, I think, predisposed to what the puritans referred to as "despondency." today we just call it depression and they have a pill you can take - I have my own means for dealing with it(1)I have no explanation for what brings these episodes on. that isn't true. I have come to expect it every fall and look forward to its departure sometime around early/middle summer(2). ever since I started following Christ my relationship with him has been gathered up in the silent fury of these storms in my heart. being a farm kid my mood is often rapt up in earthy and inexplicable things like the rise and setting of the sun, the movement of the silver moon above, the freeze of falls first frost, the thaw of spring, the ozone smell of rain in the dust, and being a Kansas Farm Kid, the bluster of the south wind.
the memory of my first summer at Horse Ranch is one that is clouded in such a despondency. mostly I remember how hard it was to live in community and how much rage boiled just below the surface of my chest that I would latter learn to work through. The brightest point I recall from that summer was a late night trip to the coast. The breeze was cool and damp and thick with the smell of the ocean and it seemed to come from no where in particular and to where it blew no one could tell. Growing up in Kansas, before I came out here, I had been to an ocean once before on a trip to South Carolina. This summer I had been to the ocean a few times, but I hadn't seen it. I hadn't taken it in as a living, breathing, universe full of life and chaos and power. I felt drawn into it as if, had I the will, I could drop off the cliff and slip into the ocean and disappear and forget and be forgotten and dream only of - of I didn't then and I don't now know what - but even now recalling it a great peace comes over me.
I got up and walked along the cliff's edge until I felt that I was alone enough to be with my thoughts. I laid down in the scrub and closed my eyes. The breeze washed over me, and the sounds of the crashing waves filled my ears and the smell of the sea air filled my nose and the feeling of the great forgetfulness of the ocean came back into my soul and for the first time in my life I could feel what, ever since then, I have interpreted as the presence of God.
and now, here I write this I find myself in the midst of another aching despondency. summer has come and all but gone and still I am in the dark. I grope, as Paul told the Athenians, for my God who being not far from any of us still seems impossible to find. And as easy at it might seem to lay down this faith and seek another - more walkable path with a less lofty goal - I remain, I work to abide, I still seek to find my life in Christ. i hold out hope tonight for the wind to blow out the stale air, to rustle the leaves and to hear the Vox Dei in the music of the wind chimes outside my window.
In this light the Spiritual Disciplines are really simply a way of speaking to ourselves, preaching to our own hearts, preaching hope to ourselves, in what ever earthly or spiritual form that preaching may take.
we shouldn't be too hasty to dismiss the means of grace that lay with in our reach because they don't fit into our definition of what is "Spiritual" or "Disciplined." what moves you to faith? out here on the coast some would say that it is a head high South West swell. others find god in the Redwoods and Firs that soar into the sky and block out the sun. I have been moved to prayer by the dark and grotesque and beautiful short stories of Flannery O'Connor - i dare you to read "The River" and not recognize a familiar longing. (3) or maybe for you it is in such "un-spiritual" things as film or music. what ever it is, don't dismiss them as any less useful than the traditional paths like prayer and bible intake. sometimes just because you aren't reading The Bible doesn't mean you aren't reading A Bible, and we all know that sometimes the best prayers are not the ones with words.
maybe the traditional means, the received wisdom on the Spiritual Disciplines work for you. good. but don't dismiss out of hand for others what to you seems more profane and carnal than spiritual. don't exclude thepossibility that what is very un-disciplined, the wild and uncontrollable things, are as equally valid means of grace because you have a limited understanding of what is "Spiritual" and "Disciplined."
I hold out hope tonight for the wind to blow out the stale air, to rustle the leaves and maybe, if I listen quietly I'll hear the Vox Dei in the music of the wind chimes outside my window.
1. a pint of Jameson a day keeps the noon time demon away...
2.I think Bill Mallonee tapped into this vein when he produced his 96 Album V.O.L. along with Skin, a tune about Van Gough's struggle with depression that eventually killed him, and Struggleville - "heard a sneer outside the garden, salutation so well heeled 'final stop no points beyond struggleville -welcome all you suckers to struggleville'" track #7 Who Knows When the Sunrise Will Be? is the most poetic and heart aching but slightly more hopeful rendering:
i'm a chemistry of flesh and water, of blood and guts, a savage disorder
i made the wrong move, oh what a bother
ever since then i've been looking for my father
when this darkness rolls in i can't read my id
who knows when the sunrise will be
martin luther said to one of his brothers, except for one instance no one can die for another
the devil makes me fearful about my survival
one's gone before to assure your arrival
sometimes the darkness rolls in and just takes hold of me
who knows when the sunrise will be
see i feel like barabas with his sentence reversed
i've got my handgun of conceit but at least it's registered
and i checked out my best western motel
i saw a man on the hill in place of my hell
when the darkness rolls in it chokes the life out of me
who knows when the sunrise will be
you can count on your charm revel in your wealth
improve your appearance hope in your health
houses of cards tumble and reputations fail
marriages crumble and interest rates sail
and there are no more heroes and there are no rules of thumb
criminals are pardoned 'cause there's no place to put 'em
and babies are torn 'cause nobody wants them
and whales canonized by some government program
blind men sad men dreamers with wishes
paralytics lunatics and the back street fringes
all find a place
in Your home at Your table
You make them well
'cause You're willing and able still in the darkness
there's a candle you will see who knows when the sunrise will be
3. look HERE and HERE
spiritual disciplines
the memory of my first summer at Horse Ranch is one that is clouded in such a despondency. mostly I remember how hard it was to live in community and how much rage boiled just below the surface of my chest that I would latter learn to work through. The brightest point I recall from that summer was a late night trip to the coast. The breeze was cool and damp and thick with the smell of the ocean and it seemed to come from no where in particular and to where it blew no one could tell. Growing up in Kansas, before I came out here, I had been to an ocean once before on a trip to South Carolina. This summer I had been to the ocean a few times, but I hadn't seen it. I hadn't taken it in as a living, breathing, universe full of life and chaos and power. I felt drawn into it as if, had I the will, I could drop off the cliff and slip into the ocean and disappear and forget and be forgotten and dream only of - of I didn't then and I don't now know what - but even now recalling it a great peace comes over me.
I got up and walked along the cliff's edge until I felt that I was alone enough to be with my thoughts. I laid down in the scrub and closed my eyes. The breeze washed over me, and the sounds of the crashing waves filled my ears and the smell of the sea air filled my nose and the feeling of the great forgetfulness of the ocean came back into my soul and for the first time in my life I could feel what, ever since then, I have interpreted as the presence of God.
and now, here I write this I find myself in the midst of another aching despondency. summer has come and all but gone and still I am in the dark. I grope, as Paul told the Athenians, for my God who being not far from any of us still seems impossible to find. And as easy at it might seem to lay down this faith and seek another - more walkable path with a less lofty goal - I remain, I work to abide, I still seek to find my life in Christ. i hold out hope tonight for the wind to blow out the stale air, to rustle the leaves and to hear the Vox Dei in the music of the wind chimes outside my window.
In this light the Spiritual Disciplines are really simply a way of speaking to ourselves, preaching to our own hearts, preaching hope to ourselves, in what ever earthly or spiritual form that preaching may take.
we shouldn't be too hasty to dismiss the means of grace that lay with in our reach because they don't fit into our definition of what is "Spiritual" or "Disciplined." what moves you to faith? out here on the coast some would say that it is a head high South West swell. others find god in the Redwoods and Firs that soar into the sky and block out the sun. I have been moved to prayer by the dark and grotesque and beautiful short stories of Flannery O'Connor - i dare you to read "The River" and not recognize a familiar longing. (3) or maybe for you it is in such "un-spiritual" things as film or music. what ever it is, don't dismiss them as any less useful than the traditional paths like prayer and bible intake. sometimes just because you aren't reading The Bible doesn't mean you aren't reading A Bible, and we all know that sometimes the best prayers are not the ones with words.
maybe the traditional means, the received wisdom on the Spiritual Disciplines work for you. good. but don't dismiss out of hand for others what to you seems more profane and carnal than spiritual. don't exclude thepossibility that what is very un-disciplined, the wild and uncontrollable things, are as equally valid means of grace because you have a limited understanding of what is "Spiritual" and "Disciplined."
I hold out hope tonight for the wind to blow out the stale air, to rustle the leaves and maybe, if I listen quietly I'll hear the Vox Dei in the music of the wind chimes outside my window.
1. a pint of Jameson a day keeps the noon time demon away...
2.I think Bill Mallonee tapped into this vein when he produced his 96 Album V.O.L. along with Skin, a tune about Van Gough's struggle with depression that eventually killed him, and Struggleville - "heard a sneer outside the garden, salutation so well heeled 'final stop no points beyond struggleville -welcome all you suckers to struggleville'" track #7 Who Knows When the Sunrise Will Be? is the most poetic and heart aching but slightly more hopeful rendering:
i'm a chemistry of flesh and water, of blood and guts, a savage disorder
i made the wrong move, oh what a bother
ever since then i've been looking for my father
when this darkness rolls in i can't read my id
who knows when the sunrise will be
martin luther said to one of his brothers, except for one instance no one can die for another
the devil makes me fearful about my survival
one's gone before to assure your arrival
sometimes the darkness rolls in and just takes hold of me
who knows when the sunrise will be
see i feel like barabas with his sentence reversed
i've got my handgun of conceit but at least it's registered
and i checked out my best western motel
i saw a man on the hill in place of my hell
when the darkness rolls in it chokes the life out of me
who knows when the sunrise will be
you can count on your charm revel in your wealth
improve your appearance hope in your health
houses of cards tumble and reputations fail
marriages crumble and interest rates sail
and there are no more heroes and there are no rules of thumb
criminals are pardoned 'cause there's no place to put 'em
and babies are torn 'cause nobody wants them
and whales canonized by some government program
blind men sad men dreamers with wishes
paralytics lunatics and the back street fringes
all find a place
in Your home at Your table
You make them well
'cause You're willing and able still in the darkness
there's a candle you will see who knows when the sunrise will be
3. look HERE and HERE
spiritual disciplines
9.03.2007
Saving Faith: Deconstructing the Disciplines
PART 2
the SD are about Abiding w/ a God who claims to not be "far from any of us" (as Paul is quoted as saying in Acts.) but we have, i believe, turned them into yet another burden to lay on the backs of the unsuspecting. I don't think we have done this with malice, but rather, out of our sloppy use of language.
Deconstructing the Disciplines:
I think my biggest struggle with the Spiritual Disciplines is the language. Let me explain what I mean, starting with that word "Spiritual."
"Spiritual" that word, as we use it and understand it today is something completely foreign to Biblical Christianity. today when we talk about our "spiritual life" and "spiritual things" what we are really doing is setting up a false dichotomy of the higher spiritual things, and the lower carnal/fleshly/material things that make up our everyday existence.
if you get anything out of reading this post - and that is a dubious possibility - let it be this; historical Christian orthodoxy rooted in a Hebraic world view makes no distinction between "spiritual" things and "worldly/material things." and the New Testament goes even further breaking down the wall between the Sacred and the Profane. if you are a Christian all things are "Spiritual" and "Sacred." when Abe's God wanted to put his mark on his people he did so in a very material, unmistakably physical way - he had every male cut off his foreskin. and when the priests made sacrifices it was real blood sprinkled on the mercy seat. and of course, when God chose to come to earth he did so as a real flesh and blood baby who cried and pooed and peed and spit up and got colicky on cold nights just as every human baby ever born had done before and has since. and he wasn't born in the sanctuarybtw, but in a filthy manger.
I labor this point because I find it to be the source of so much misunderstanding and misdirection in Christian thinking. this dichotomy between the "spiritual" and the non-spiritual has been such a stumbling block to so many, my self included, that if I could I would purge the word from every-ones lips. when the Bible speaks about the Spiritual and the Carnal/Fleshly it is not referring to a disembodied soul that is pure and must rise above the sinful material body. it isn't making a distinction between "more spiritual" Christian music, movies, books, radio stations, politicians, T-shirts, or exercise programs. for the Christian, ALL THINGS are holy, all things are sacred, all things are spiritual therefore rendering null any distinction between the Spiritual and the earthy. Biblically , to think with the "Flesh" vs. the "Spirit" is to exclude the possibility of divine revelation external to ourselves and our ability to reason and rationalize our way to truth. Biblically the Carnal person is one who thinks that all that exists is what can be measured by science. Conversely the Spiritual person is one who takes into account not only what we can learn from science but also that which is beyond the scope of reason and scientific study.
and then there is the second word, "Disciplines." again, another word that in our mouths has taken on so many negative connotations that it causes many to give up the faith prematurely. when I think of "Discipline" I think of my grade school principals big wooden paddle. or I think of my nephew who is in boot camp learning to be a disciplined solider. don't get me wrong, I don't deny that those elements do exist in Biblical Christianity. they do. but I do not think they are appropriate when we talk about the SD.
so, the SD are not a way to lift our "higher/untainted" soul out of our "lower/sinful" bodies to god. they are not an escape from this world into a "higher - BETTER" reality. they are not a strict and militaristic regimen that if we work hard enough at them some how we can reach some "higher/holier" state of grace. they are simply tools that we have at our disposal to aid us in communion with God, or as Christ prayed for us, that we would Abide with him.
a SD is anything - anything at all that helps you maintain your faith for just one more day, one more moment. they don't work by bringing God down to earth, or moving him to action because you have worked so hard and so long and done them all perfectly.
Acts 17:27 says that God is not far from any of us. oh God how I wish I could believe that, how I hope it is really true. and if it is there is nothing we can do to bring him any nearer. if there is any distance between us and God it is in our hearts and that is where the SD do their work. there is a dearth of books out there that have lists of the SD, each one reflecting the authors own personality, I suppose, in which disciplines he or she has chosen to illuminate. but honestly, I find that there are many practices that despite not making any list in a book are none the less at least equally if not better ways of communing with Christ.
Gnosticism
dualism
neo-platonism
spiritual disciplines
the SD are about Abiding w/ a God who claims to not be "far from any of us" (as Paul is quoted as saying in Acts.) but we have, i believe, turned them into yet another burden to lay on the backs of the unsuspecting. I don't think we have done this with malice, but rather, out of our sloppy use of language.
Deconstructing the Disciplines:
I think my biggest struggle with the Spiritual Disciplines is the language. Let me explain what I mean, starting with that word "Spiritual."
"Spiritual" that word, as we use it and understand it today is something completely foreign to Biblical Christianity. today when we talk about our "spiritual life" and "spiritual things" what we are really doing is setting up a false dichotomy of the higher spiritual things, and the lower carnal/fleshly/material things that make up our everyday existence.
if you get anything out of reading this post - and that is a dubious possibility - let it be this; historical Christian orthodoxy rooted in a Hebraic world view makes no distinction between "spiritual" things and "worldly/material things." and the New Testament goes even further breaking down the wall between the Sacred and the Profane. if you are a Christian all things are "Spiritual" and "Sacred." when Abe's God wanted to put his mark on his people he did so in a very material, unmistakably physical way - he had every male cut off his foreskin. and when the priests made sacrifices it was real blood sprinkled on the mercy seat. and of course, when God chose to come to earth he did so as a real flesh and blood baby who cried and pooed and peed and spit up and got colicky on cold nights just as every human baby ever born had done before and has since. and he wasn't born in the sanctuarybtw, but in a filthy manger.
I labor this point because I find it to be the source of so much misunderstanding and misdirection in Christian thinking. this dichotomy between the "spiritual" and the non-spiritual has been such a stumbling block to so many, my self included, that if I could I would purge the word from every-ones lips. when the Bible speaks about the Spiritual and the Carnal/Fleshly it is not referring to a disembodied soul that is pure and must rise above the sinful material body. it isn't making a distinction between "more spiritual" Christian music, movies, books, radio stations, politicians, T-shirts, or exercise programs. for the Christian, ALL THINGS are holy, all things are sacred, all things are spiritual therefore rendering null any distinction between the Spiritual and the earthy. Biblically , to think with the "Flesh" vs. the "Spirit" is to exclude the possibility of divine revelation external to ourselves and our ability to reason and rationalize our way to truth. Biblically the Carnal person is one who thinks that all that exists is what can be measured by science. Conversely the Spiritual person is one who takes into account not only what we can learn from science but also that which is beyond the scope of reason and scientific study.
and then there is the second word, "Disciplines." again, another word that in our mouths has taken on so many negative connotations that it causes many to give up the faith prematurely. when I think of "Discipline" I think of my grade school principals big wooden paddle. or I think of my nephew who is in boot camp learning to be a disciplined solider. don't get me wrong, I don't deny that those elements do exist in Biblical Christianity. they do. but I do not think they are appropriate when we talk about the SD.
so, the SD are not a way to lift our "higher/untainted" soul out of our "lower/sinful" bodies to god. they are not an escape from this world into a "higher - BETTER" reality. they are not a strict and militaristic regimen that if we work hard enough at them some how we can reach some "higher/holier" state of grace. they are simply tools that we have at our disposal to aid us in communion with God, or as Christ prayed for us, that we would Abide with him.
a SD is anything - anything at all that helps you maintain your faith for just one more day, one more moment. they don't work by bringing God down to earth, or moving him to action because you have worked so hard and so long and done them all perfectly.
Acts 17:27 says that God is not far from any of us. oh God how I wish I could believe that, how I hope it is really true. and if it is there is nothing we can do to bring him any nearer. if there is any distance between us and God it is in our hearts and that is where the SD do their work. there is a dearth of books out there that have lists of the SD, each one reflecting the authors own personality, I suppose, in which disciplines he or she has chosen to illuminate. but honestly, I find that there are many practices that despite not making any list in a book are none the less at least equally if not better ways of communing with Christ.
Gnosticism
dualism
neo-platonism
spiritual disciplines
9.02.2007
Saving Faith: The Spiritual Disciplines
any discussion of the spiritual disciplines (SD throughout this post for brevity) has to begin first not with the "What?" but the "Why?" why do we need the SDs ? what purpose do they serve? to answer that i look to John 15. here is the relevant passage v.4-9.
i prefer the way The Message reads, emphasis mine:
John 15: Living In Jesus:
there are a couple of things that must be addressed here. first there is the command to "Live in [Christ]. Make your home in [him] just as [he does] in you." then there is the image of the Vine, the Branches grafted in, and the requirement that we "produce fruit" lest we be thrown like "deadwood" into the fire. i won't go into complicated exegesis here, biblical commentators have already done a fine job of complicating this passage. there is some debate as to what "bearing fruit" might mean. 1) it refers to conversions/missions, 2) it refers to growth in Christian morals/ethics, OR 3) the fruit is something larger that incorporates both 1) and 2) but something bigger. in my reading the image of the Branches getting their life from being joined to the Vine is there to provide a word image of Christ's command that we live in him and make our home in his love. of course this passage is rich and pregnant but i want to stick with the main command, namely, to "live in his love" or as other translations have it, to Abide in Christ, to continue on in the faith.
when I had just begun to mess around with this Christian thing I had a roommate who was convinced that this command to bear fruit exclusively meant that he (and me if I knew what was good for me) had to go out and convert every body through what ever means possible - and here is the kicker - OR else be thrown out and burned - which he took to mean that if you didn't convert anyone before you died you would go to hell.
as a new convert I suspended my natural tendency to non-conformity and by and large my ability to think for myself. the results were predictably regrettable. I tossed out my "secular" music, all the dials on my stereo were preset to Christian stations. I listened to a lot of AM radio, voted Republican, and here is the worst part... I stopped drinking beer! the more immediate result was that he planted a thought that began to fester. I am an introvert by nature and God in his wisdom had not deemed it necessary to change that in me. so for a long time I fumbled about withhamfisted attempts at evangelism out of fear that if I didn't bear fruit in the form of many conversions I was bound for the fires of hell.
thankfully I soon made other Christian friends who still listened to "Rock and or Roll" (theun -holy kind) and who didn't buy into the party line, and... (GASP!) drank micro brewed beers. more importantly they had a bigger, more graceful understanding of God. but I have to confess that even today, after serving in various pastoral ministries for over a decade (which of course meant that I did sit beside folks as they began their life with Christ) I still have night mares in which Jesus sends me to hell because I haven't filled my quota of "fruit."
when i used to work at Mission Springs Wednesdays were "decision night" - some of us secretly referred to it as "Hell Fire and Brimstone" night. the speaker would cajole and guilt and emotionally manipulate the kids into making a "decision" for Jesus. after some somber tear filled Jesus-pop-diddies the campers would be sent out and if they wanted to decide for Jesus they would go to the group of preselected staff to pray the Jesus prayer. this happened every week, every summer. some campers had been coming to Mission Springs for years and every year they would "make a decision." there were a few campers who came for multiple weeks during the summer and yes, some of them made multiple decisions each summer. other than leading them in the Jesus prayer we were to fill out these little cards to note which campers had made "decisions." then we were to turn the cards into the camp directors. the camp could then use the number of conversions to justify the camps existence. i know because i was a camp director for two years.
in my night mare Jesus is big and sits on a huge thrown - picture the Lincoln memorial - in front of him is a scale with a weight on one side and the "decision cards" on the other. afterpilling up my cards they fail to tip the scales and he looks down at me, shakes his head, then he reaches over and pulls a lever and I fall through a trap door into hell.
by the time I was a director I had grown sick of the practice. I still had to turn in the cards so out of protest (after my discomfort with the practice went ignored) i would add extra cards to the deck so that we would have 1) the same number of "decisions" every week, and 2) every week there would be more "decisions" than there were kids in camp.
folks, the fruit that Jesus is talking about here is not "Souls Saved." not exclusively. nor is he exclusively speaking of Christian ethics although that too is a small part of it. those things, as hard as they may be, are easy compared to what Jesus is really getting at. the extended metaphor of the Vine and the Branches here presents us with an image of fruit that symbolizes that which is at the heart of all of the Christian faith - including missions and ethics - namely union with God in Christ.
the great puritan divine John Owen wrote a dense opus on this idea, choosing to use the more organic and relational term Communion with God. the NIV uses the word Abide. after Owen's phrase I prefer how Peterson refers to it as an organic and intimate relation. as simple as this notion that we have an intimate relationship with God in Christ may seem, I find it to be the hardest part of the faith. so often I am haunted by the notion that when I pray I am only talking to my invisible friend.
I suppose that is takes a person of a certain disposition to make something this simple into something nearly impossible. I have, I guess, always made things more difficult than they need to be. I am, with out a doubt, a very hard person to be friends with. I just don't do relationships very well. that isn't true. I do some relationships really well, but it is a lot of work for me. I have a huge ego, I am emotionally crippled, and I can be real ass hole. you see, in my cosmology I am the center of the universe. granting that it is tough for me to be in relationships with normal human beings, just imagine how much harder it is for me to be in a relationship with a being who is invisible, intangible, and completely other. for me, if John 15 was just talking about evangelism and ethics I think I might have a better chance. I have worked in ministry for long enough to be around when someone begins their life in Christ. I could check that box off, I think, night mares aside. and as far as ethics goes, well, at least externally I could check off 6 of the 10 commandments. the other four, well, I could hope that I would be graded on a curve. but communion with God? frick dude. that one is a lot tougher. and Jesus is saying that we are to "continue to abide" (that is how it really should read). or to put it another way, faith isn't a one time decision, it is something we are to actively maintain.
I don't know about you but having faith has always been a struggle for me. everything I know, everything I see, all my experience points away from the existence of God, let alone the Christian God. and that is what the SD are about. they are a means of grace, a way of maintaining faith. the SD are simply tools at hand to aid us in Abiding in Christ - the means by which we are to "Make our home in the Love of Christ."
Saving Faith
Spiritual Disciplines
i prefer the way The Message reads, emphasis mine:
John 15: Living In Jesus:
4"LIVE IN ME. MAKE YOUR HOME IN ME JUST AS I DO IN YOU. In the same way that a branch can't bear grapes by itself but only by being joined to the vine, you can't bear fruit unless you are joined with me. 5-8 "I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples... (and in 9) Make yourselves at home in my love."
there are a couple of things that must be addressed here. first there is the command to "Live in [Christ]. Make your home in [him] just as [he does] in you." then there is the image of the Vine, the Branches grafted in, and the requirement that we "produce fruit" lest we be thrown like "deadwood" into the fire. i won't go into complicated exegesis here, biblical commentators have already done a fine job of complicating this passage. there is some debate as to what "bearing fruit" might mean. 1) it refers to conversions/missions, 2) it refers to growth in Christian morals/ethics, OR 3) the fruit is something larger that incorporates both 1) and 2) but something bigger. in my reading the image of the Branches getting their life from being joined to the Vine is there to provide a word image of Christ's command that we live in him and make our home in his love. of course this passage is rich and pregnant but i want to stick with the main command, namely, to "live in his love" or as other translations have it, to Abide in Christ, to continue on in the faith.
when I had just begun to mess around with this Christian thing I had a roommate who was convinced that this command to bear fruit exclusively meant that he (and me if I knew what was good for me) had to go out and convert every body through what ever means possible - and here is the kicker - OR else be thrown out and burned - which he took to mean that if you didn't convert anyone before you died you would go to hell.
as a new convert I suspended my natural tendency to non-conformity and by and large my ability to think for myself. the results were predictably regrettable. I tossed out my "secular" music, all the dials on my stereo were preset to Christian stations. I listened to a lot of AM radio, voted Republican, and here is the worst part... I stopped drinking beer! the more immediate result was that he planted a thought that began to fester. I am an introvert by nature and God in his wisdom had not deemed it necessary to change that in me. so for a long time I fumbled about withhamfisted attempts at evangelism out of fear that if I didn't bear fruit in the form of many conversions I was bound for the fires of hell.
thankfully I soon made other Christian friends who still listened to "Rock and or Roll" (theun -holy kind) and who didn't buy into the party line, and... (GASP!) drank micro brewed beers. more importantly they had a bigger, more graceful understanding of God. but I have to confess that even today, after serving in various pastoral ministries for over a decade (which of course meant that I did sit beside folks as they began their life with Christ) I still have night mares in which Jesus sends me to hell because I haven't filled my quota of "fruit."
when i used to work at Mission Springs Wednesdays were "decision night" - some of us secretly referred to it as "Hell Fire and Brimstone" night. the speaker would cajole and guilt and emotionally manipulate the kids into making a "decision" for Jesus. after some somber tear filled Jesus-pop-diddies the campers would be sent out and if they wanted to decide for Jesus they would go to the group of preselected staff to pray the Jesus prayer. this happened every week, every summer. some campers had been coming to Mission Springs for years and every year they would "make a decision." there were a few campers who came for multiple weeks during the summer and yes, some of them made multiple decisions each summer. other than leading them in the Jesus prayer we were to fill out these little cards to note which campers had made "decisions." then we were to turn the cards into the camp directors. the camp could then use the number of conversions to justify the camps existence. i know because i was a camp director for two years.
in my night mare Jesus is big and sits on a huge thrown - picture the Lincoln memorial - in front of him is a scale with a weight on one side and the "decision cards" on the other. afterpilling up my cards they fail to tip the scales and he looks down at me, shakes his head, then he reaches over and pulls a lever and I fall through a trap door into hell.
by the time I was a director I had grown sick of the practice. I still had to turn in the cards so out of protest (after my discomfort with the practice went ignored) i would add extra cards to the deck so that we would have 1) the same number of "decisions" every week, and 2) every week there would be more "decisions" than there were kids in camp.
folks, the fruit that Jesus is talking about here is not "Souls Saved." not exclusively. nor is he exclusively speaking of Christian ethics although that too is a small part of it. those things, as hard as they may be, are easy compared to what Jesus is really getting at. the extended metaphor of the Vine and the Branches here presents us with an image of fruit that symbolizes that which is at the heart of all of the Christian faith - including missions and ethics - namely union with God in Christ.
the great puritan divine John Owen wrote a dense opus on this idea, choosing to use the more organic and relational term Communion with God. the NIV uses the word Abide. after Owen's phrase I prefer how Peterson refers to it as an organic and intimate relation. as simple as this notion that we have an intimate relationship with God in Christ may seem, I find it to be the hardest part of the faith. so often I am haunted by the notion that when I pray I am only talking to my invisible friend.
I suppose that is takes a person of a certain disposition to make something this simple into something nearly impossible. I have, I guess, always made things more difficult than they need to be. I am, with out a doubt, a very hard person to be friends with. I just don't do relationships very well. that isn't true. I do some relationships really well, but it is a lot of work for me. I have a huge ego, I am emotionally crippled, and I can be real ass hole. you see, in my cosmology I am the center of the universe. granting that it is tough for me to be in relationships with normal human beings, just imagine how much harder it is for me to be in a relationship with a being who is invisible, intangible, and completely other. for me, if John 15 was just talking about evangelism and ethics I think I might have a better chance. I have worked in ministry for long enough to be around when someone begins their life in Christ. I could check that box off, I think, night mares aside. and as far as ethics goes, well, at least externally I could check off 6 of the 10 commandments. the other four, well, I could hope that I would be graded on a curve. but communion with God? frick dude. that one is a lot tougher. and Jesus is saying that we are to "continue to abide" (that is how it really should read). or to put it another way, faith isn't a one time decision, it is something we are to actively maintain.
I don't know about you but having faith has always been a struggle for me. everything I know, everything I see, all my experience points away from the existence of God, let alone the Christian God. and that is what the SD are about. they are a means of grace, a way of maintaining faith. the SD are simply tools at hand to aid us in Abiding in Christ - the means by which we are to "Make our home in the Love of Christ."
Saving Faith
Spiritual Disciplines
8.31.2007
2 Years, 2 Months and 446 posts latter...
two years, two months and 446 posts latter(1).
crazy.
it's crazy because i only started this thing cause JAMES and CADE were doing it and it seemed like just one more way to carry on conversations we were already having about books, music, movies and god stuff - and to help me work out some of the things in my head. i look back at that first post and wince at the bad writing and the rambling. interesting that much of my posting has really just been much of the same stuff i wrote in that first post. i am not sure if i have worked out any of that early stuff.
it's crazy because a lot in my life has changed since then. my friends and i were remodeling houses for cash (2) and living in basements and on friends couches. we had a lot of fun. we still do. but at the time it was fun to see peoples faces when they found out how we were living.
one of the places we all crashed was in these folks basement. four grown men and all their crap crammed into an 800 sf basement. none of us had a real bed, just mattresses on the flour. i think someone had a dresser. we even had a fridge that kept our beer cold most of the time. oh the beer. there were beer bottles everywhere. we had a sink, no shower, and a working toilet that sat in the corner. we built a little plywood box around it with eye holes so you could watch TV while you took care of business. none of us had any real money so this place which was free btw was perfect. of course, if you brought a girl around you could see them mentally putting a check in the "con" column.
now our little group of construction workers is a real company. we still don't have a lot of money but we can all afford to rent a place. Matt got married. i got tired of spending my weekends and hard earned cash fixing up my beater truck(s) and broke down and got a new one. Rob w/1 B went to Cuba and is finishing his degree.
living as i did, in basements, my car, various short term rentals at Mission Springs - and the previous decade of moving from place to place doing a lot of different things just cause i could - i got into a habit of not owning much in the way of furniture or completely unpacking. i have definitely settled down a bit, not that i couldn't pick up and leave if the right opportunity came along, but it is nice to have a permanent address, and a consistent and descent pay check. i have even joined the council at church - how is that for "upstanding?"
as far as this blog goes... i haven't posted much lately. i am not sure why. when i was posting consistently i averaged about 100 hits a day. which ain't bad considering i am a no body and i write a bunch of non sense. i do wish folks would comment cause discussion is what i am interested in. i have found that what folks really like are the humorous posts. which is ok i guess. i mean, who really gives a crap about the philosophical musings of a construction worker?
lately i have thought about deleting the blog. i just haven't had anything worth reading to write about. but i dono. there might be a few things i guess.
any way, that my friends is a rambling post if there ever where such a thing.
1. and at least one blog stalker latter...
2. yes big brother i reported it all...
crazy.
it's crazy because i only started this thing cause JAMES and CADE were doing it and it seemed like just one more way to carry on conversations we were already having about books, music, movies and god stuff - and to help me work out some of the things in my head. i look back at that first post and wince at the bad writing and the rambling. interesting that much of my posting has really just been much of the same stuff i wrote in that first post. i am not sure if i have worked out any of that early stuff.
it's crazy because a lot in my life has changed since then. my friends and i were remodeling houses for cash (2) and living in basements and on friends couches. we had a lot of fun. we still do. but at the time it was fun to see peoples faces when they found out how we were living.
one of the places we all crashed was in these folks basement. four grown men and all their crap crammed into an 800 sf basement. none of us had a real bed, just mattresses on the flour. i think someone had a dresser. we even had a fridge that kept our beer cold most of the time. oh the beer. there were beer bottles everywhere. we had a sink, no shower, and a working toilet that sat in the corner. we built a little plywood box around it with eye holes so you could watch TV while you took care of business. none of us had any real money so this place which was free btw was perfect. of course, if you brought a girl around you could see them mentally putting a check in the "con" column.
now our little group of construction workers is a real company. we still don't have a lot of money but we can all afford to rent a place. Matt got married. i got tired of spending my weekends and hard earned cash fixing up my beater truck(s) and broke down and got a new one. Rob w/1 B went to Cuba and is finishing his degree.
living as i did, in basements, my car, various short term rentals at Mission Springs - and the previous decade of moving from place to place doing a lot of different things just cause i could - i got into a habit of not owning much in the way of furniture or completely unpacking. i have definitely settled down a bit, not that i couldn't pick up and leave if the right opportunity came along, but it is nice to have a permanent address, and a consistent and descent pay check. i have even joined the council at church - how is that for "upstanding?"
as far as this blog goes... i haven't posted much lately. i am not sure why. when i was posting consistently i averaged about 100 hits a day. which ain't bad considering i am a no body and i write a bunch of non sense. i do wish folks would comment cause discussion is what i am interested in. i have found that what folks really like are the humorous posts. which is ok i guess. i mean, who really gives a crap about the philosophical musings of a construction worker?
lately i have thought about deleting the blog. i just haven't had anything worth reading to write about. but i dono. there might be a few things i guess.
any way, that my friends is a rambling post if there ever where such a thing.
1. and at least one blog stalker latter...
2. yes big brother i reported it all...
8.14.2007
Editors Note
not that anyone cares but for the 2 or 3 of you who from time to time check out my poetry blog you might (should) find that you no longer can access it. i have set it to invite only because i suspect that folks are stealing my stuff. every time a new school semester comes around i get a surge in hits from key words like "rhyme scheme" and so on. most the time these are just searches for definitions but some tend to linger.
a charitable attitude would say that folks are just staying to read. but i am not in a charitable mood about my poetry being used w/out attribution and reason would dictate that some of the stuff is being plagiarized.
that being said, if you want to read the poems you can email me (my email is in the side bar) and i will give you access. and if you want to use the poems just ask and let me know what you are using them for.
a charitable attitude would say that folks are just staying to read. but i am not in a charitable mood about my poetry being used w/out attribution and reason would dictate that some of the stuff is being plagiarized.
that being said, if you want to read the poems you can email me (my email is in the side bar) and i will give you access. and if you want to use the poems just ask and let me know what you are using them for.
8.09.2007
CD's I Am Willing To Pay For
i can't believe how good THIS GUY is (Ray LaMontagne). yeah, yeah, it is cool to be retro right now (Micheal Buble, etal) but you know what? i like retro. i like the old standards, and the new stuff that sounds like the old R&B/soul standards. i like Buble, and i like Amy Winehouse's Back to Black, and i like LaMontagne's "trouble" so sue me.
what can i say? i have a soft spot for what some call "Vag Rock." if it is on Scrubs or any other Zach Braff work i pretty much like it. which is weird cause i see myself as more of a tough, rugged Kansas Oaky come California construction worker. you would think i would be into Skynard and the like (and i am) but i am also into the "Vag Rock" and i am not ashamed.... "hi, my name is mike and i have been a closet sensitive male for 33 years" ... "hi mike."
i first heard LaMontagne's "Hold You In My Arms" on the... (wait for it) "The Last Kiss" sound track - yes i liked the movie so much that i got the sound track. i dono. there has been just a few really good 30 something existential crisis flicks of late that, well, have been - (gavomit) "moved me." man. that hurt to type. so i checked out his WEB SITE and immediately went out and picked up the "Trouble" CD. if anything you will want this CD for when you and your special other get "romantic."
of course if you are "bumping uglies" you might want to put in some of this girls stuff...
Amy Winehouse (link) Back to Black almost nails it on the head. i have always been a sucker for tattooed, probably crazy, certainly trouble chicks who can sing/are musical in some way. give her a listen and i dare you to not buy her CD. what is it about R&B/soul that is perfect for... er... amorous mood music?
and of course there is Queen - Greatest Hits that i also picked up at Street Light. if you call yourself a music fan and don't have at least some bit of respect for Queen... well, you just don't know what the F*** you are talking about. Queen is a standard in the trades (from drywall guys to brick layers) and always a good start to a long hot day of framing in the sun.
finally there is the latest Against Me! release "New Wave." it isn't as good as "Americans Abroad" but it is damn good and a damn good place to start if you are unfamiliar with this punk band.
what can i say? i have a soft spot for what some call "Vag Rock." if it is on Scrubs or any other Zach Braff work i pretty much like it. which is weird cause i see myself as more of a tough, rugged Kansas Oaky come California construction worker. you would think i would be into Skynard and the like (and i am) but i am also into the "Vag Rock" and i am not ashamed.... "hi, my name is mike and i have been a closet sensitive male for 33 years" ... "hi mike."
i first heard LaMontagne's "Hold You In My Arms" on the... (wait for it) "The Last Kiss" sound track - yes i liked the movie so much that i got the sound track. i dono. there has been just a few really good 30 something existential crisis flicks of late that, well, have been - (gavomit) "moved me." man. that hurt to type. so i checked out his WEB SITE and immediately went out and picked up the "Trouble" CD. if anything you will want this CD for when you and your special other get "romantic."
of course if you are "bumping uglies" you might want to put in some of this girls stuff...
Amy Winehouse (link) Back to Black almost nails it on the head. i have always been a sucker for tattooed, probably crazy, certainly trouble chicks who can sing/are musical in some way. give her a listen and i dare you to not buy her CD. what is it about R&B/soul that is perfect for... er... amorous mood music?
and of course there is Queen - Greatest Hits that i also picked up at Street Light. if you call yourself a music fan and don't have at least some bit of respect for Queen... well, you just don't know what the F*** you are talking about. Queen is a standard in the trades (from drywall guys to brick layers) and always a good start to a long hot day of framing in the sun.
finally there is the latest Against Me! release "New Wave." it isn't as good as "Americans Abroad" but it is damn good and a damn good place to start if you are unfamiliar with this punk band.
8.07.2007
#756
and there you have it. say what you want about the man not being friendly to the media or fans. decide for yourself about the juice.
at 8:51 he hit #756 right into history.
glad i was home to see it.
i am also glad it was at home... all those jack holes who boo him on the road don't deserve that million dollar ball.
at 8:51 he hit #756 right into history.
glad i was home to see it.
i am also glad it was at home... all those jack holes who boo him on the road don't deserve that million dollar ball.
8.02.2007
Just A Couple of Things
One: I rarely get sick. I have more than once stood hip deep in human poo and not gotten at all sick. I don't even get hang overs (that can be both a blessing and a curse). But last night I must have ate something that was from China cause as soon as I got up this morning I puked my guts out.
Two: Puking is not fun. I don't like it. I don't think I am in any danger of becoming bulimic.
Three: I am still working on this one but I wonder... is it possible for someone to be an Agnostic-Naturalistic-Disbelieving-Follower of Christ?
Four: Once again my Gramma was right. Whiskey is a cure for just about what ever you are suffering from... even food poisoning.
Five: Even if I am 100% certain that the enchilada combo at Taqueria Vallarta was the cause of my recent poisoning I will still nuke it and finish it off as soon as I stop puking. (yes, I did and it was great - except for the stinking guacamole - I hate guac and always request no guac yet it always shows up on my plate.)
Two: Puking is not fun. I don't like it. I don't think I am in any danger of becoming bulimic.
Three: I am still working on this one but I wonder... is it possible for someone to be an Agnostic-Naturalistic-Disbelieving-Follower of Christ?
Four: Once again my Gramma was right. Whiskey is a cure for just about what ever you are suffering from... even food poisoning.
Five: Even if I am 100% certain that the enchilada combo at Taqueria Vallarta was the cause of my recent poisoning I will still nuke it and finish it off as soon as I stop puking. (yes, I did and it was great - except for the stinking guacamole - I hate guac and always request no guac yet it always shows up on my plate.)
7.31.2007
Spiritual Disciplines
something i have been pondering recently is the Spiritual Disciplines. i have a handful of books about them, i have practiced many different forms, and encouraged others to do so. but for about the last year i have been in a weird place in my faith and am deconstructing and reprocessing a lot of stuff.
in the midst of that i find that some things, well, somethings bug me for some reason. like Spiritual Disciplines for example. as i said above i have had a good bit of experience with them, some of it positive and some of not so positive.
as it stands right now i am feeling a good deal of ambivalence. they just seem like one more burden, one more thing i should be doing, or could be doing but i don't.
so here is the question i have for you. what are your thoughts about the Spiritual Disciplines? if you had to preach about them, or explain them to someone what would you say?
in the midst of that i find that some things, well, somethings bug me for some reason. like Spiritual Disciplines for example. as i said above i have had a good bit of experience with them, some of it positive and some of not so positive.
as it stands right now i am feeling a good deal of ambivalence. they just seem like one more burden, one more thing i should be doing, or could be doing but i don't.
so here is the question i have for you. what are your thoughts about the Spiritual Disciplines? if you had to preach about them, or explain them to someone what would you say?
7.30.2007
An Update From My Roommate
here is the update from his blog that he posted from Texas while in the care of Agent B:
So, here I am. A place I never really thought I'd be. The one and only Abilene, TX! Compared to the other parts of Texas I've seen over the last few weeks, this place is...well, fair. I'm hanging out with Agent B and friends enjoying the sights and winding down from my most recent adventure.
We crossed back into Texas from Cuba (by way of Mexico) on July 28th without incident unfortunately. As some of you may have read on Mike's blog we had the computers that we had with us seized when we crossed into Mexico. The US Department of Homeland Security (DHS) had to make sure that they weren't duel use computers - meaning that they needed to determine whether or not they could possibly be used to assist the Cuban military in a violent assault on the peaceful people of the wonderful US of A. Hopefully you caught the sarcasm. DHS had been patrolling our 'basecamp' in McAllen for a number of days before we crossed into Mexico, so they had to get something out of all the work they put in, making sure that our support to a 'terrorist state' didn't go unpunished.
Now, more than ever I am absolutely sick of the American Empire. Hopefully I'll be able to get some quality writing time in on the train ride home over the next few days, so I can share with you all my experience and the experience of the Cuban people.
For now, from the Fair Mother City I wish you all well. (although I'm currently in the company of one third of my viewers so, mike and james, that's for you) BUH BYE!!
So, here I am. A place I never really thought I'd be. The one and only Abilene, TX! Compared to the other parts of Texas I've seen over the last few weeks, this place is...well, fair. I'm hanging out with Agent B and friends enjoying the sights and winding down from my most recent adventure.
We crossed back into Texas from Cuba (by way of Mexico) on July 28th without incident unfortunately. As some of you may have read on Mike's blog we had the computers that we had with us seized when we crossed into Mexico. The US Department of Homeland Security (DHS) had to make sure that they weren't duel use computers - meaning that they needed to determine whether or not they could possibly be used to assist the Cuban military in a violent assault on the peaceful people of the wonderful US of A. Hopefully you caught the sarcasm. DHS had been patrolling our 'basecamp' in McAllen for a number of days before we crossed into Mexico, so they had to get something out of all the work they put in, making sure that our support to a 'terrorist state' didn't go unpunished.
Now, more than ever I am absolutely sick of the American Empire. Hopefully I'll be able to get some quality writing time in on the train ride home over the next few days, so I can share with you all my experience and the experience of the Cuban people.
For now, from the Fair Mother City I wish you all well. (although I'm currently in the company of one third of my viewers so, mike and james, that's for you) BUH BYE!!
7.22.2007
3 Reasons to Read Wendell Berry's "Andy Catlett, Early Travels"
in this latest novel in the ongoing series about Port William Berry adds to the community's history through this quickly read story as told by a young boy. Berry gets a little more preachy in this one. of course, all of his novels and poetry are only narratives that illustrate the precepts he lays down in his essays on agrarianism, conservationism, and community. but don't let the few moments when the narrative becomes a vehicle for his homily. it is a wonderful novel, not as good as Hannah Culter, or That Distant Land, or even his collections of essays such as The Art of the Common Place, but it is indeed a good read and if you have read much of his other work it will only enrich it, and if you haven't - well, if you have a soul it should create in you a hunger for his other works.
1) "I think often now of that old economy... For many years now that way of living has been scorned, and over the last forty or fifty years it has nearly disappeared. Even so, there was nothing wrong with it. It was an economy directly founded on the land, on the power of the sun, on thrift and skill, and on the people's competence to take care of themselves. ... Now that we have come to the end of the era of cheap petroleum, which fostered so great a forgetfulness, I see that we could have continued that thrifty old life fairly comfortably - could even have improved it. Now we will have to return to it, or to a life necessarily as careful, and we will do so only uncomfortably and with much distress.
Increasingly over the last maybe forty years, the thought has come to me that the old world in which our people lived by the work of their hands, close to weather and earth, plants and animals, was the true world; and that the new world of cheap energy and ever cheaper money, honored greed, and dreams of liberation from every restraint, is mostly theater. this new world seems a jumble of scenery and props never quite believable, an economy of fantasies and moods, in which it is hard to remember either the timely world of nature of the eternal world of the prophets and poets. And I fear, I believe I know, that the doom of the older world I knew as a boy will finally afflict the new one that replaced it."
2) "When he had steady work, Maze was a sober man. When he didn't, usually in winter when the ground was too wet or too hard-frozen to dig, idleness and the long nights would wear on his nerves, and then he would drink..."
3)... "Sir Tristam was the second knight I had read about who had gone mad for love of a woman. This seemed to me to be happening too often, even if the women were queens... (the young Andy Catlett is reading A Boys King Arthur at this point in the novel) ... I didn't think I would ever fall in love with an actual queen, but it did trouble me to wonder if ever I would be driven out of my mind by love for a woman. Because I would soon write my age in two numerals, I was afraid something like that might happen to me pretty soon. But by now life has pretty much had its way with me, and I can say with relief that I have never gone mad for love. Not completely."
i am tempted to add a fourth, that being simply that it is a work of Wendell Berry which should be enough.
Wendell Berry
Andy Catlett
1) "I think often now of that old economy... For many years now that way of living has been scorned, and over the last forty or fifty years it has nearly disappeared. Even so, there was nothing wrong with it. It was an economy directly founded on the land, on the power of the sun, on thrift and skill, and on the people's competence to take care of themselves. ... Now that we have come to the end of the era of cheap petroleum, which fostered so great a forgetfulness, I see that we could have continued that thrifty old life fairly comfortably - could even have improved it. Now we will have to return to it, or to a life necessarily as careful, and we will do so only uncomfortably and with much distress.
Increasingly over the last maybe forty years, the thought has come to me that the old world in which our people lived by the work of their hands, close to weather and earth, plants and animals, was the true world; and that the new world of cheap energy and ever cheaper money, honored greed, and dreams of liberation from every restraint, is mostly theater. this new world seems a jumble of scenery and props never quite believable, an economy of fantasies and moods, in which it is hard to remember either the timely world of nature of the eternal world of the prophets and poets. And I fear, I believe I know, that the doom of the older world I knew as a boy will finally afflict the new one that replaced it."
2) "When he had steady work, Maze was a sober man. When he didn't, usually in winter when the ground was too wet or too hard-frozen to dig, idleness and the long nights would wear on his nerves, and then he would drink..."
3)... "Sir Tristam was the second knight I had read about who had gone mad for love of a woman. This seemed to me to be happening too often, even if the women were queens... (the young Andy Catlett is reading A Boys King Arthur at this point in the novel) ... I didn't think I would ever fall in love with an actual queen, but it did trouble me to wonder if ever I would be driven out of my mind by love for a woman. Because I would soon write my age in two numerals, I was afraid something like that might happen to me pretty soon. But by now life has pretty much had its way with me, and I can say with relief that I have never gone mad for love. Not completely."
i am tempted to add a fourth, that being simply that it is a work of Wendell Berry which should be enough.
Wendell Berry
Andy Catlett
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