Monday, April 01, 2024

Best Martial-Art Styles For The 21st Century

In my last post I discussed martial-art ads from the 1960s that were featured in comic books. Most of these "styles" could be best described as, well, comical. But it has recently come to my attention that there are new systems of combat that have recently emerged that should pique the interest of my readership. And not to insult the intelligence of anyone because of what today symbolizes, readers take note—this is not as joke. These styles are as legit as they come. They can be used in practical self-defense settings, and even have an exciting sportive adjunct. Here we go:

 

Power Slap


 

After a coin toss to decide who goes first, the first striker has a time limit of 60 seconds to deliver an open-handed slap to the opponent. Slaps must be below the eye but above the chin, without leading with the palm such that all hand to face contact takes place at the same time. Those being slapped may not flinch, raise their shoulder or tuck in their chins. After being slapped, the slapped competitor then has 60 seconds to recover and get back into position before it's their turn to slap. Fights which don't end in a knock out and go three rounds go to the judges' decision...

 

Car Jitsu


 

  • Two competitors are seating in the driver and passenger seats of a car. Before the match starts, they must both be buckled in.
  • Once the match begins, both competitors must unbuckle themselves and attempt to submit their opponent inside the vehicle.
  • Each round lasts for three minutes.
  • Both competitors are allowed to utilize any part of the vehicle’s interior to their advantage, including seat belts, steering wheel, window seals, etc.
  • Just like in traditional Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu matches, competitors are rewarded points by judges for taking advantageous positions and mounts while moving around the vehicle’s interior.
  • A winner is declared to whichever competitor is victorious in two out of three rounds.
  • If both competitors win one round each, the final four-minute round takes place in the back seat.

 

Gun Fu


 

I saved the best for last. No rules for this one. A bit dated, but highly effective.

 

Happy Monday!

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Monday, December 18, 2023

Learn Forbidden Martial Arts

A while back I penned a post about martial-art ads that appeared in the back of comic books, a popular grift that took place during the 1960s and 70s. This is an update sourced from the original author that is far more comprehensive and entertaining than the first. This latest installment includes ads offering home courses for karate and jiu-jitsu, but also an array of fictitious martial-art styles whose only existence and purpose was to literally make a quick buck. A sampling:
  • Yubiwaza
  • Ketsugo
  • Poison Hand
  • Aicondo

To be fair, there were some ads that featured karate hawked by legit instructors who ran schools, such as John Keehan (Count Dante"The Deadliest Man Alive"), and Wallace Reumann, a Chito-ryu practitioner who trained under Hank Slominskithe latter who gave Elvis Presley his first black belt in 1960. Reumann's karate ads (which included a menacing "life like karate practice dummy" to whoop ass on) pushed the boundaries of appealing to the burgeoning masculinity and wariness of young men with doozies like this:

What would you do if you were insulted by a bully?...or if 3 or 4 hoodlums passed remarks about your girl?...or if you were suddenly mugged from behind?...or if someone came at you with a baseball bat?

If you're like millions of other Americans, you'd be absolutely helpless—and you'd be ashamed, humiliated, robbed, beaten, kicked—and pitiful in the eyes of your girl or friends.

To balance things out, this ad for Yubiwaza features a diminutive woman who turns the tables with this remarkable claim:


 I miss the days when you could get your money's worth for 99¢!

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Monday, April 01, 2019

Won't Get Fooled Again


I like a good laugh just like the next person, and for the last few years I've been running a gag blog post every April Fools' Day. In a weird twist of fate (and a bit to my chagrin) a few of my most popular posts are the ones tagged 'humor' and I don't think people are looking for laughs. My blog is subtitled Martial Arts, Philosophy and The Art of Living but most people aren't putting that into their search engines. Viewers want to know how to register their hands as deadly weapons, where they can learn Iron Crotch Kung Fu, and have info on some guy from Italy who holds black belts in 22 styles. You get the idea. Not really humor, but extreme and even bizarre stuff is what often piques people's interest in the martial arts. 'Body hardening workouts' and 'How to karate chop bricks' as search phrases find their way to my blog more often than inquiries into the loftier aims of martial arts, such as character, spirit, or even self-defense.

This site actually started life as part of a monthly newsletter for students at a karate school I used to train and teach at nearly twenty years ago. When the school closed I found another, but my days of writing a column were gone, so my wife suggested starting a blog to export my articles to. At the time I had a couple of dozen, and I wanted to keep future material philosophical in nature; writing posts on the traditions and history of combat systems, including references to authors that were experts in Japanese Martial Arts, such as Donn Draeger and Black Belt magazine contributor Dave Lowry.  After about a year of blogging, I acquired a modest online following.

To expand my newfound readership and to keep things interesting I began to lighten things up with the Top Ten Most Annoying Things in the Martial Arts and The Way of Spock. Later I uploaded videos from Enter The Dojo, a comedic web series starring Master Ken, a delusional instructor who hawks his self-proclaimed street lethal fighting system. In time I began to revise my humor into reservations I had for arts like The Drunken Style and dubious claims such as the ability to knock people out without touching them.

Several years ago I found and posted a video that featured someone performing so-called ki enhanced throws and takedowns on his students that looked suspicious, to put it mildly. The demonstrator came from a martial art I was familiar with. I had previously attended a one-day workshop in this style given by an active member of the NYPD that showcased brutally effective techniques, minus any of the woo nonsense in the video, and I mentioned that in my article. My point was that the video I put up was a grossly inaccurate and unfair representation of an otherwise legit style that was being peddled by a conman. Soon, my article in its entirety ended up on a very popular martial arts forum (with a link back to my blog) where many of the commenters were actually sympathetic to the "master" in the clip. Some of them claimed to have trained under him.

The comment section on this forum became a train wreck of believers versus realists. Rage ensued on both sides. The critical thinkers there had my back, but soon I began to receive threatening emails from wack jobs, including the chief instructor of a school. Somebody else derided my style (as if that mattered), and another promised God would retaliate for my flagrant disrespect. No, I argued, you cannot drop five people simultaneously with the flick of the wrist. Apparently I was the bad guy for pointing this out. It amazes me how certain "martial artists" don't like to have their fantasy bubbles burst.

The clip below features a similar demo with a different guy from the one I originally posted, now long removed by the owner. If you've never seen this before, brace yourself for a display in breathtaking stupidity:


Bear in mind that this is intended to be taken at face value. It's ridiculous, of course, so most of us can't help but laugh at this. Humor can be a way to cope with inanity, but in the form of satire (e.g., Master Ken) can be an antidote for credulity. I see it as providing a public service. So today if you can, goof on someone to enlighten them —  but do so with the best intentions. Happy April Fools' Day!

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Sunday, March 31, 2019

Pre-faded Black Belts For Sale


Whenever you see a worn and frayed black belt on a martial artist, you're looking at the symbol of maturity and experience. Well, what if you're a newbie black belt holder, but you just want to give the impression of someone who's been at it for many years?

Fear no more, you no longer have to bleach your black belt or tie it to the rear bumper of your car for a week to get that cool effect. An online company now has Vintage Black Belts that you can order to your preference. That's right, pre-faded, worn out looking black belts for the martial arts enthusiast who doesn't have decades to reach the level of a grandmaster — but just wants to look like one. It's like cauliflower ears or calloused knuckles for the fashion-conscious.

From the website (via translation):

Black belts that are seen in old conditions / often used / so that the parts turn white.
There are aging rates of 25%, 50%, 70%, 90% and 100%.

So these are martial arts belts that have been artificially aged in incremental stages of wear and tear. Apparently there is a market for this. Amazing.

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Sunday, April 01, 2018

Extreme Training For Advanced Students

I'm not a big believer in warm-up routines in the dojo. On the street, you won't have time to stretch or do jumping jacks when some thug is trying to boost your wallet. Performing basics are another waste of time, and won't put you outside of your comfort zone. Here's a short list of reality-based practices you can try out to test your mettle. They won't enhance your technical fighting skill, but you may permanently lose certain bodily functions or your life. I must warn you, these are specifically designed for practitioners with at least three years of dedicated, hardcore training, so proceed with caution.


Fire Walking


This will develop your ability to deal with fear. And extremely high temperatures. Drink plenty of water before attempting this one.



Iron Crotch Kung Fu


Muay Thai fighters wear steel groin guards in their matches. The cheap ones start at 20 USD. But with the Iron Crotch regimen, you can save your money for better things, like pain killers.



Sub-Zero Workouts


Becoming one with nature is essential for any aspiring martial artist. This is a great way to cool down after your fire walking routine.


Good luck and have fun!

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Saturday, April 01, 2017

Trump To Establish Executive Department For Martial Arts


In a stunning decision that comes from seemingly nowhere, President Trump has announced, via executive order, the creation of a Ministry of Martial Arts that will take its rightful place in the US Cabinet. Among other injunctions, martial arts curricula will become mandatory for all able bodied youngsters who attend public or private schools, including those who are homeschooled.

"I just learned that another great Republican, the great Theodore Roosevelt, earned a brown belt in judo. Teddy was scrawny and sickly as a child, but he built himself up. So in this spirit I will make it compulsory for today's youth to learn the martial art of their choice — with the best ones to compete at the highest level. We don't win like we used to and I don't care for losers, but all that will change, let me tell you," said the president. "We'll take so many trophies and gold medals it will make your head spin!"

Candidates to head this new executive office include Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal. "I don't recall Norris endorsing me during the campaign, so I'm thinking about giving Steven a call," Trump said. "He'll get confirmed easily, but I think he'll pass on the title 'Secretary.' That sounds weak."

Sensei Seagal was not available for comment as he's recently taken citizenship in Russia.

Hmmm...

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Friday, April 01, 2016

Serious Question From A Reader

Yesterday I received an email from someone who follows my blog. In it, he asks a question that has been posed to me in various guises through the years. Here's part of it, followed by my reply:

So I rented this movie the other night about Ip Man, the wing chun master. You know who he was? BRUCE LEE'S @#$%ING KUNG FU TEACHER!! Ip Man was badder than Donald Trump. Anyway there's a part in the movie where he uses his wing chun kungfu to demolish 10 black belt fighters all at once! How badass is that! It looked pretty real but I wanted to know if this is even possible. Cause I want to do that $#!t to some people I know. They have it coming, don't worry, and these punks ain't no black belts anyway. Let me know as soon as possible. Thanx, Timmy


Yes Timmy, it is possible to beat 10 Black Belts® like that, or anyone else for that matter. Actually, I do it all the time. You see, in karate and many other systems of martial arts we have solo exercises handed down through antiquity that used to be taught in secret, known as kata ― which is Japanese for "The Dance of Death." Check out this diagram of an old time karate master demonstrating a kata:


And that's all you need to know about facing multiple assailants in a crisis. Because it's common knowledge in the martial arts community that kata was created to beat the daylights out of numerous thugs simultaneously. Now go get some kata DVDs and study them at home Timmy, and get back to me when you get out of the hospital beat the hell out of those damn troublemakers. Good luck!

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Wednesday, April 01, 2015

Ultimate Martial-Arts Book Review

I've been asked a number of times, "Is it possible to learn martial arts from a book?" Many scoff at such an idea, and until recently so did I. Then I chanced upon a literary treasure trove of martial arts so profound that it left me breathless. The Invisible Fist of the Ninja is unparalleled at imparting the secret techniques and wisdom of martial arts' ultimate system: Ninjitsu! How can ninja techniques that have been shrouded in secrecy for centuries suddenly be available for common laypeople? I have no idea. Now available online, this amazing work is destined to become a classic. Some excerpts:

Attacker attempts to grab you. Simply show him your bruised and calloused hands from years of ninja training. Game Over!


I wish I had thought up this next one. So simple it has to work:

Attacker attempts to punch you. Crouch down like a frog, and presto — you're invisible!


As the reader advances in deadly ninja skill, rank is signified not with silly colored belts but by progressively scarier masks that arrive automatically in the mail. Please look away if this frightens you.



DISCLAIMER: Invisible Fist is not for the squeamish or the undisciplined. Proceed with caution if you must. Only the most serious and dedicated of martial-art practitioners should study this work. You have been warned!

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Saturday, April 19, 2014

Self-Defense We'd Like To See

Master Ken's quick tutorial on how to counter a two-handed wrist grab.

Wait for it...



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Tuesday, April 01, 2014

Leaving My Style

I have decided to embark on a new path. It is with a heavy heart that I will no longer be associated in any way with Isshinryu karate. You read that right. This is no joke, I assure you. In the coming weeks I'll be traveling to Italy to begin my tutelage under the world renowned grandmaster Gilberto Pauciullo. I'm sure you've all heard of him -- who hasn't? Professor Pauciullo holds the distinction of earning more black belts and honorary certificates than anyone in martial arts history. He has attained 10th dan black-belt rankings in twenty-two styles; five in jiu-jitsu, one in mexed [sic] martial arts (MMA from Mexico?), one in plain ol' self-defense, and others that I have to admit I've never even heard of.

Why waste my time with one style when I can have pretty much all of them?















Check out this (abridged) list of the master's achievements:

10th Dan – Katory Yama RyuJu-Jutsu
10th Dan – Okonawa [sic] Go JuRyu
10th Dan – Street Rapid Defense System
10th Dan – WOSD/Kapap System
10th Dan – Self-Defense
10th Dan – Agni Kempo
10th Dan – I.F.Knife Fighting System
10th Dan – Ju-Boxing Full Contact
10th Dan – Shin KakutoJutsu-Hanshi
10th Dan – Gung Chi Pai Gung Fu System
10th Dan – Ju-Hitsu AJJIF
10th Dan – Ju-Jitsu IJJF
10th Dan – Ju-Jitsu ACJJ
10th Dan – Ju-Jitsu UAJJ
10th Dan – Martial Arts Police Method
10th Dan – Makoto Ryu Ju-Jitsu
10th Dan – Bu-JutsuSigung
10th Dan – Mexed Martial Arts
10th Dan – SERCSU [?]
10th Dan – Dim Mak
10th Dan – Nefusen Submission Ju-Jitsu
10th Dan – Vietnamese Combat Martial Arts
9th Dan – Ken Jitsu
9th Dan – Tatsu Seiki Kikou-Do
9th Dan – Kamishin Kai Ju-Jitsu
9th Dan – Chinese Kempo
9th Dan – Kokusai Sin JutsuKempo Kai
8th Dan – Judo
8th Dan – Kimuchino Aikido
7th Dan – A.O.S. Tai Chi System
7th Dan – Ashihara Bu-Do kai
7th Dan – Ting Ho Dao
6th Dan – SeishinryokuGoju Kick Boxing
6th Dan – Kendo
4th Dan – FULUNGJJ [??]
2nd Dan – Sakibo

I never knew the Police Department had their own martial art, complete with a kyu/dan ranking system. (To say nothing of the Japanese rank of dan being used in Chinese and Vietnamese arts.) Pauciullo also claims 11th duan (?) in something called Man Seer Kung Pai Kung Fu, a style he created in his spare time before he became too busy collecting black belts. I heard he was invited to enter the UFC but declined because, obviously, the techniques he uses are just too lethal. I have my work cut out for me. When I come back from overseas I'll be describing my training experiences in future posts. Wish me luck!

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Monday, October 14, 2013

Karate Skills Demolishes Two Opponents

Somebody's having a bad day.

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Monday, April 01, 2013

How To Register Your Hands As Deadly Weapons

Yesterday I received an email from a novice practitioner. I've included my reply.

Mr. Vesia, I've been following your blog and I have a question. Is it true that black belts must have their hands registered as lethal weapons? My instructor says his are, but I thought this was hogwash. I recently got bumped up to camouflage belt and I was just wondering. Does having a black belt mean I have to invoke the right to bear arms? Especially with the possibility of new gun laws and restrictions I want a backup plan, know what I mean? Thanks, Andy

Yes Andy it's true, at least in the US, newly promoted black belts have 90 days to have their hands registered lest you want to have the FBI breaking down your door. This is serious stuff that needs to be taken care of when the time comes. You have a few options to commit to this. One is with the International Lethal Defense Combat Organization that will send you a certificate attesting to your deadliness for $25.

Are there those who doubt your martial arts skills in karate, kung-fu, boxing, grappling, or street fighting, yet you are too well trained to physically display your skills and injure them?
Then join The International Lethal Defense Combat Organization, and receive a free personalized, frameable document which testifies that your hands are registered with the International Lethal Defense Combat Organization.


Here's an ad from a different outfit in case you're on a tight budget:


And there you have it. Congrats on your camo belt promotion, Andy. When you get your black belt in 3 or 4 months at the McDojo you train at write me again. Good luck!

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Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Return of The Dojo

Season 2 of Enter The Dojo kicks off as Master Ken discusses how the A-bomb ended the Civil War, tips on outsmarting your mirror image, and his promotion to 11th degree black belt. And then things get really weird.



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Thursday, September 13, 2012

Martial Arts "Products" We Could Do Without


This particular item reminded me of a post I saw over at Wim Demeere's blog about one of the Gracies bragging on Twitter how he turned the tables on a couple of muggers in New York. Maybe this shirt is just sending the wrong message.

Wear these jeans and you too can kick like Chuck Norris. Norris did a number of these ads for Century Martial Arts, this one from 1989. Action Jeans: the only thing tougher than Chuck Norris.

Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt beverage, as if we don't have enough energy drinks on the market already. I'm not even sure if this stuff is still around. I actually tried it once a while back. Not bad. But if Seagal were really smart he would try to get this off the ground:

(Click on image to expand)

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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

My Kind of Demo

Master Ken talks about the use of a special technique he created for multiple attackers.

Now because of how dangerous The Hurticane is I can't really show it to you at 100 percent. But thanks to modern technology I will do a combat scenario for you right now.

Behold:

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Saturday, March 10, 2012

Reality Check For The Streetfighter


Somebody sent me this amusing but rather sensible list of 6 Painful Things Nobody Tells You About Fighting that's worth checking out (two pages).

Topics include the perils of punching to the head, high kicking, dealing with drunkenness (yours and the other guy's), and the personality traits of the select few who live to instigate violent altercations and their consequences.

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Saturday, November 05, 2011

The Way of Spock


Striking Thought's post on Captain Kirk's fighting prowess immediately conjured up images of his first officer's skill in Vulcan kyushu waza. Kirk was a hack compared to Mr. Spock.

Actually, there may be some real science to the Vulcan nerve pinch, applied exclusively to the base of the neck. The neck is home to the apex of the (cervical) spine which enters the medulla and a ganglia of neurons, synapses and baroreceptors which are responsible for blood flow to the brain via the carotid artery.*

A shuto to the side of the neck, delivered properly, will cause unconsciousness, but high level exponents can perform a variant of this rather neat trick with little effort. I've been assured by colleagues that Seiyu Oyata of Ryu-te karate has developed a variety of hand strikes that specifically target the carotid sinus on the neck that has put the lights out on enough uke to quiet naysayers and skeptics. (On a side note: Oyata is the real deal as his services for demonstrating bunkai [forms applications] were in high demand in my area at one time. High ranking people from various Okinawan karate styles turned out in droves at his workshops and then modified his tutorials to fit their syllabi. Alas, nobody could duplicate his deft touch-to-the-neck KO move.)

Now if I can just figure out this mind-meld thing Spock does I'm in business.


*Lawrence A. Kane and Kris Wilder 2005. The Way of Kata: A Comprehensive Guide to Deciphering Martial Applications. YMMA Publication Center.

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Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Master Ken Needs Your Help

Master Ken wants people in the martial arts community to spread the word about his reality show which chronicles the most lethal martial art known to man: Ameri-Do-Te.

Actually he needs money to keep his series going.

I first saw one of these Enter The Dojo episodes at TDA Training. Aside from the fact that this parody of the martial arts has great comedic potential, it's at times a little close to home. Through the years I've met my share of Master Kens, and believe me, these characters in real life are not funny at all. I bristle to think how many "instructors" are woefully incompetent, think they're killing machines, and then devise their own systems of self-defense complete with contracts, camouflage belts and disdain for other styles.

Master Ken: Short on moolah. Long on chutzpah.


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Saturday, March 14, 2009

Hai Karate!


Striking Thoughts' recent mention of Scotty Karate ale immediately brought back memories of another product hawking the karate monicker: Hai Karate aftershave and cologne. Touting to possess aphrodisiac-like qualities, wearers were advised to use caution when out and about and self-defense instructions on how to fend off frenzied women were included. Maybe this stuff had pheromones in it. Hai Karate debuted in the 60s, and I actually recall having a bottle or two of this around as a kid.

Isshinryu karateka please take note that the image of brandishing shuto hands that appeared on the package belonged to none other than Hanshi Ed McGrath. On the gift box set he's shown full view performing a flying side kick.

Check out this TV ad from 1967. Anybody from my generation remember this?

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Friday, November 28, 2008

Top Ten Most Annoying Things in the Martial Arts


We all know the virtues of the martial arts and ways. But whether you're a newcomer or a longtime devotee there are undoubtedly some aspects of martial arts culture that gets under your skin. In the tradition of the Late Show with David Letterman I've compiled a "Top Ten" list of what I've found to be most annoying in the martial arts:

10. Learn-at-home DVD martial arts courses. Can't get to the dojo? No problem. Earn your black belt in the comfort of your living room. Really.

9. Extreme or Tricking martial arts. These are strictly demonstration arts devised as crowd pleasers. Competitors perform quasi-martial art routines based on acrobatics interspersed with enough karate shouts to give you a headache that'll last a week.

8. Far-fetched breaking routines. Breaking slabs of wood with a shuto (blade-hand) or kick can be a viable way to measure striking efficiency. Sometimes it gets to be a bit much. A friend of mine used to set bricks on fire before busting them apart with a hammer fist at demos. Nice. Once, I watched a competitor on TV attempt this same trick, but somehow some of the lighter fluid ended up on the floor, igniting the mats and setting the entire venue ablaze. Also, is being able to break a fifty inch-thick chunk of ice with your forehead indicative of any combative skill? Talk about headaches. Still, playing with ice is safer than fire.

7. Training uniforms that are so patched up they resemble a billboard. Some of these jiu-jitsu guys look more like race car drivers.

6. Camouflage belts. When colored belts were introduced in judo over a century ago, there were just white, brown, and black. Much later, more incremental colors were added to appease the masses. Not a bad idea. I can tolerate yellow, orange, etc., but camouflage? Come on.

5. The "my style and only my style is the ultimate fighting system" mantra. Please shut up already.

4. Gossip in the dojo. I don't care what Jane or anyone else does with their life. It's none of my business or yours. Few things are more damaging and hurtful (and cowardly) than malicious trash talk behind someone's back. Definitely shut up.

3. People who think they can develop as martial artists without hard work. Real martial arts are both an intellectual and physical pursuit. Deal with it.

2. Cheesy martial arts flicks, especially the American-made variety from the 80s. Check out this trailer from something called Gymkata:




1. Any pseudo-mystical, esoteric or metaphysical claims attributed to the martial arts. The following is one Jack Hogan of Ryukyu kempo putting the whammy on one of his students:





And there you have it. Granted, some of these items are more amusing than annoying. Did I leave anything out? Let me know.

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