Taking time to step up on the parenting front... My thinking on Shared Parental Leave

My wife and I have decided to take advantage of my company's shared parental leave policy - I will take 3 months out to do nothing but be a parent to our 3 year old girl and 8 month old boy. Here's what's going through my mind - and I’m not alone...

Since I can remember, I've always been part of 'the machine' - school, university, summer jobs, work. I’ve always had clear aims / annual objectives, supported by structures designed to succeed - sound familiar? For the first time, I'm going to be flying solo for months without written objectives / financial measures but a tonne of responsibility - it's a little scary, but I'm excited.

What's scary? LOTS

• Social life - Our son was born in March. I had 2 weeks off where I spent a lot of time taking our daughter to activities by myself. Latest UK data suggests 40% of new dads don't take any paternity leave - and most of those that do only take 2 weeks - given these stats, it wasn't a surprise that I was almost always the only man in the room but what did surprise me was the occasional icy stare in what should be a warm environment. For the first time, I felt very, very lonely - I was an outsider - will I be alone for 3 months?
• Development - I have been a parent for 3 years now so I know how to keep my children alive but I've never been solely responsible for their development 5 days a week - we have had an excellent nursery to provide structure and my wife has been a rockstar during maternity leave. I spend every minute I can with my family but I am seen by my daughter as more of the 'tickle monster' than a tutor / guide for her. How am I going to transition from 'weekend fun dad' into ‘weekday teacher dad’?
• Insecurity - the clue is in the title but shared parental leave requires parental leave to be shared - my wife is going to work and I'm going to be at home. Everyone has their own biases and the data suggests men are still the breadwinners in the eyes of most of society - How will I react to being at home when my my wife is at work?

What's exciting? LOTS MORE  

• Social life - I'm going to meet different people and have a tonne of fun, getting to know my children on a deeper level and hopefully build a foundation that sets us up long into adult life. It will force me to go out of my comfort zone and I bet it will create a better relationship with my wife once I truly understand what she has experienced in the last few months
• Development - habits are hard to break so I’m sure I’ll be setting SMART goals for my unlucky offspring; be it addition, writing or walking. But I know this experience will develop me as well - the result will be a lot more empathy and self-awareness than I currently have (have you tried empathising with a 3 year old), in addition to enhancing what I’m already well aware of through parenting experience to date - the art of prioritisation
• Insecurity - how many times have you been told to challenge yourself? I’ll come out of the three months, having ‘risen to the challenge’ - integrating into different social circles, learning new skills. I don’t know of a better way of removing insecurity than achieving goals and proving your own self wrong. This will set me up to be a better parent, husband and leader

The gender balance problem is not just an office problem…

I am well aware that I am very lucky - the UK is one of the more developed countries in the world and, as a society, we have the headspace to worry about things like gender balance. If it is a problem we believe is worth prioritising, let's take it seriously - the solution to this is a complex one but a big chunk of it must be to do with the fact that (for the time being at least), women carry children and babies can't survive without support.

As long as there continues to be a gender skew in those taking parental leave, there will continue to be a skew toward women taking significant periods of time out of work - human biology means the time out coincides with the earlier, more developmental years of a career where people make larger leaps in skills and experience - therefore where the gap in experience with peers can be created - this is a huge part of the problem. If we change the culture around parental leave, we change the gender balance for the better but this needs to be in the office environment and on the high street; we need to remove any stigma about dads being dads.

My Objective

My aim in writing this and 'walking the walk' in taking parental leave is to contribute in some form to a movement that makes it easier for dads to be dads; in and out of the office. Hopefully I can set an example or contribute to a conversation between a boss, a partner or a parent that will help to improve the 2% participation rate in shared parental leave to something much bigger. 

IT IS A GOOD THING TO CARE FOR YOUR CHILDREN

Taking SPL benefits the children, parents and society as a whole. For this to work, though, we need the world around dads to be supportive - in and out of the office - and for the right incentive structures to be in place. I know my professional network is supportive - let’s find out about the world outside… and in the worst case scenario, I'll spend some quality time with the family.

The out of office is on - into the deep end…