From the course: Having Difficult Conversations

Learn what to do and not to do in a difficult conversation

From the course: Having Difficult Conversations

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Learn what to do and not to do in a difficult conversation

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- The executive director of a nonprofit was disturbed by the decision his board of directors had recently made. So what did he do? He made a passionate and compelling case... By email. When the board president got the email, she interpreted it as threatening, and she forwarded the email to the other eight board members. And in turn, they joined in the discussion via email, offering their own strong opinions and arguments. What started out as a simple email became highly charged, and the more people added to the thread, the higher the intensity. You and I can avoid a lot of the drama and difficult conversations if we can just understand what to do and what not to do. First, control your emotions and never initiate a conversation when you're overly emotional. It's okay to feel emotions; your emotions tell you that a conversation needs to happen, but you've got to time it right. Once you calm down, you're in a better position to initiate and engage in a difficult conversation. So if you find yourself upset, wait until you've had some time to think about your desired end result. Second, talk face-to-face, and don't use electronic or digital communication to engage in a difficult conversation. I realize that writing can be a lot easier than talking when we're upset. The urge can be pretty strong to hide behind a email when emotions are hot. That's all right, but resist the urge to send that email, text, or chat. Instead, try writing or journaling about your emotions. Digital communication is never appropriate for discussing performance issues, arguing, pointing out someone's flaws, or defending yourself. And if someone triggers you with their email, don't take the bait. Don't forward the email to others, and don't seek other opinions, and don't defend yourself. Just don't respond. Ask for a face-to-face meeting. If that's not possible, ask for a phone meeting. Third, seek understanding and avoid finger-pointing. The go-to response when you're angry is to blame the other person, and blame often comes from our assumptions. But assuming wrong intentions and blaming the other person will only make them defensive. You can't really bully your way into collaboration. Wait until you have an opportunity to hear this person's point of view before you make them the enemy. And fourth, stay focused and don't get distracted. You've probably been engaged in a conversation that took a wrong turn. Chances are you got distracted; you forgot your objective. When we get distracted, we argue about the past and non-relevant issues. The way to stay present is to keep your end result in mind so that you avoid any temptation to get off track. So going back to the example between the executive director and the board president, things could have gone a lot smoother for the executive director if he'd asked for a meeting instead of using email to state his case. And when the president read the email, she should have picked up the phone instead of forwarding the email and involving so many opinions. When we use good judgment in highly charged situations, we can turn chaos and drama into collaboration.

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