Disrupting thoughts and emotional intelligence

- As you know, your emotions can affect your thoughts, and ultimately, your behavior, but how exactly can you disrupt this process? A useful model is the ABCDE model taken from cognitive behavioral coaching methodology. This model takes you through the step by step process you can follow to change the way that you deal with challenges and emotions, to get the best out of every situation you find yourself in. Let's walk through the model, and then we can apply this to your circumstances. A is the activating event, the situation that you find yourself in. B refers your beliefs and thoughts about the event, including your emotional responses. C relates to the consequences. What was the outcome when you responded to the event? D is a disrupting thought. How could you replace your beliefs and feelings about the event with more useful beliefs that will help you to achieve a better result? E refers to the effect or consequences of challenging your thoughts. What was the outcome of changing your beliefs, feelings, and potentially your emotions about the situation? Let's bring this to life with an example. Maybe you've had an unproductive conversation with a team member. Maybe the same thing has happened numerous times before. Ask yourself, what was the activating event? You want to be as objective as possible, which I know can be tricky, because you are subjectively involved in the event. How would you describe the event if you were a reporter writing about the situation with no prior knowledge or history about the facts? So it shouldn't be Dave was rude and made the interaction awkward, because there's judgment involved in that statement. You could reframe this to Dave said the words, X, Y, Z, and I replied with the following words, and detail them. Next, consider your beliefs about the event. Did you believe that Dave was rude? Did that make you react in a specific way? Did you feel the demands being made on you were unreasonable? This is where you are exploring your subjective experience of the situation. Then consider the consequences. Did your beliefs cause emotions for you, such as anger, frustration, or guilt? Did you react in a way that you wish you hadn't, or in a way that wasn't productive, or damaged the relationship? Now, before you react further to the event, consider how you could disrupt this thinking. Was Dave being rude or was he being direct? What's going on in Dave's world? Is he under pressure to hit a deadline or a target? Or consider if there are things going on that you don't know about. Maybe Dave has an emotional or complex situation he's dealing with at home, or a sick child that's kept him up all night. Maybe the point Dave made was valid, and it's hurting your ego to accept that. So how can you disrupt your beliefs? Maybe you could tell yourself, Dave isn't making a judgment about you and your work. He's making a statement. Even if the message isn't delivered in the way you'd like it to be. Maybe you could change your beliefs by thinking Dave is entitled to his beliefs about you, your work, your team, but that doesn't mean they're correct, and it doesn't mean you have to react negatively. Perhaps if Dave has a point, you could tell yourself that, and use that as fuel to make changes to your behavior in the future. Then reflect on the effects of challenging your thoughts. Does it reduce your emotional response or stress? Does it mean you are not responding in a way that damages the relationship further? This is a great exercise to do periodically, and it may help you to identify common emotional hijackers and triggers. When you next find yourself in a difficult or uncomfortable situation at work, before you respond, I encourage you to pause and work through your ABCDE.