Conflict as opportunity: Debate vs. dialogue

- Conflict can be scary, particularly when it comes to culturally sensitive topics. This fear often leads people to completely avoid these kinds of conversations. What I found is that this is mainly an issue of mindset and skillset. Before we change what we do in these conversations, skillset, we have to change how we think about these conversations, mindset. Here's what you need to know. These conversations are opportunities. The problem is that we often look at these conversations as a source of past and potential future trauma rather than opportunities for progress, connection, and mutual understanding. Your perspective impacts the way that you engage. Your mind is creative. Whatever you go into these conversations expecting, your mind will help you to find it. This is hard for people to understand because they often conflate conflict with combat, but combat is an altercation where the goal is to inflict more damage than you sustain. If you view conflict as combat, then not only will you be trying to inflict damage in these conversations, but you will also be scared of being hurt. On the other hand, if you see conflict as an opportunity, you'll be looking for opportunities, which can motivate you to push past your discomfort. Making this shift in how we see difficult conversations means developing an opportunity-based mindset. With this mindset, you analyze a situation and look for the opportunities it provides. Conflict provides us with the opportunity to create positive change and solve problems, connect with and learn about others and ourselves, promote equity, improve our skills, abilities, and poise in difficult conversations. When we see conflict as an opportunity, it allows us to navigate difficult conversations without the threats of inevitable pain. If we respect that our conversation partner currently sees the situation one way, while we see the situation another way, we can take advantage of the conflict to learn about the other person's challenges and goals and share our own. If you start with this foundation, you position yourself to work with the other person to create an outcome that's acceptable to both parties. One of the easiest ways to generate positive momentum in these conversations is by finding points of agreement. As we discussed in the video on respect, people want to be heard and validated. Starting with respect will help you to see each other as collaborators rather than combatants, which creates positive momentum for a productive conversation. So here's a challenge for you. In your next difficult conversation, find opportunities to start your response with, "I agree with you," and then expand on the parts of what they said that you can agree with. Doing this will decrease defensiveness and increase psychological safety.