You're coaching a senior executive. How can you deliver feedback without triggering defensiveness?

“Fear can be created quickly; trust can’t.”- Ed Catmull Trust is the foundation for effective feedback. It begins with a relationship grounded in respect and confidentiality. Create a safe space where they feel valued and understood as a human being; acknowledged when sharing their feelings, thoughts and perspectives, while being vulnerable. Demonstrate genuine interest in their goals and challenges, and consistently show reliability. Active listening, empathy and your authentic presence, makes them more receptive to feedback. Reinforce through your being and doing that your role is to support and enhance their success, not to critique or undermine their efforts.

I find it useful to get permission from the client before offering feedback. I have also found that using myself as the vehicle for feedback reduces opportunity for defensiveness when giving feedback during coaching. I will offer feedback with the understanding that this is what I noticed and/or felt, it may or may not mean anything to the client; however, I will invite the client's thoughts on what sense they make of my observation or feeling and where they may have seen the same reaction from those they engage with. Doing so leaves the client with the power to determine which way to go with the feedback - because, after all, it is how I felt or what I noticed.

Building trust is crucial in any relationship, particularly when coaching senior stakeholders. As the focus is often on their leadership style and messaging, it's important to take the time to understand them and establish trust. This helps them see that your guidance is for their benefit and that you are genuinely invested in their growth as an executive coach. Engage in open dialogue, actively listen, and allow them to use you as a sounding board. This approach helps them introspect and analyze, fostering a productive coaching relationship.

Trust is the pillar for a long lasting relationship but not to easy to build. We can definitely try. For instance, I stand for honesty and transparency. "My client once told me, the truth hurts but he likes the way I share it with him". I was politely brutal to him, so as he could face his challenges which he did and succeeded in his real estate project. He is so grateful and that created a trust between us. People wants to succeed, understand Thier problem and derive a SMART solution and be bold about it. Once they succeed, they will never let you go. Let's be innovative.

I've coached for 9 years and worked with C-Suit executives many times. Here's what I learned: Defensiveness is a natural result of judgement and defensiveness. However, when you voice your concerns from the place of being an advocate vs a judge, it's usually very well taken. Here's what I mean by being an advocate: When you coach someone, your top priority needs to be helping him get to the outcome he desires. It means you meet him where he is, with his situation, needs, and challenges thoroughly considered when communicating about missing pieces and action plans. When you come from the mindset of an advocate, there's tremendous rapport and trust that promote plenty of freedom in the communication process. Rapport is everything.

It is important to speak from a place of love and kindness. This means I honestly say what I have to say, even if it is tough, with the intention of uplifting instead of tearing down. I-message or I-statement can help to communicate concerns, feelings, and needs without sounding threatening.

Using empathy involves truly understanding the executive’s perspective and feelings in their context. Put yourself in their shoes first! Approach the conversation with a focus on partnership and improvement, rather than criticism. Start by acknowledging their efforts and the challenges to show that you appreciate their hard work and are not dismissing their contributions. Use phrases that express understanding, such as “I can see how much effort you’ve put into this”. Use of "I" statements help focus on your observations rather than making accusations. Instead of -"You are interrupting others," say "I've noticed that there have been interruptions". With empathy, you create a supportive environment that minimizes defensiveness.

In my humble opinion, showing humanity and kindness is always a way forward independent of the position the person occupies. Love is key in these situations. A good coach is a curious coach. A coach who is genuinely interested in a client and despite factualness and neutrality essential for coaching does his/her best to make the client request and the client figure the most important thing in the session. Sensitivity, ability to listen is a bridge to client’s trust, relaxation and an ecological partnership between him and the coach. And in that environment chances of self-defence diminish dramatically.

Empathy in executive coaching not only fosters a supportive environment but also enhances the coach-executive relationship, making feedback more actionable. By genuinely understanding an executive's challenges and acknowledging their achievements, coaches can deliver feedback that is both constructive and motivating. This empathetic approach can significantly reduce defensiveness, leading to more effective and positive behavioral changes.

Empathy is essential, yet I believe we must also consider vulnerability. When we show empathy, we invite executives to share their true selves. This creates a safe space for growth. Spiritual Intelligence encourages us to connect beyond mere words. It's about recognizing the soul behind the role. By nurturing this connection, feedback becomes a shared journey rather than an evaluation, enabling deeper understanding and transformation. What if we viewed feedback as an opportunity for mutual growth? This shift can elevate our coaching relationships and foster a more “Authentic” dialogue.

It’s important to focus on specific behaviors rather than making general or personal comments. Describe the actions or behaviors you have observed and their impact, without attributing them to the executive’s character or intentions. Provide specific examples of the behavior you're addressing. So, instead of saying "You're not assertive," say "During the recent meeting, it didn't appear like you advocated strongly for your team's proposal." Such specificity helps the executive understand the feedback clearly and avoid misunderstandings. This approach helps the executive see the feedback as constructive and actionable.

Share stories from other cases. Highlight the consequences of behaviours, then ask (with genuine curiosity) if this would apply to them. For instance. "I remember the case of Robert (not his real name), who resisted delegating because he did not find communication to be a priority. Some of his best people left as they saw little opportunity for advancement. This led to a weakened team. I wonder if this scenario may be applicable in your case."

Only give those advice which will produce a positive outcome in reality. Explain why and how your advice will change the specific outcomes, and the logic of trajectory will convince the client to change behaviours.

Balanced feedback is crucial in executive coaching as it fosters a growth-oriented mindset. Highlighting strengths alongside areas for improvement not only mitigates defensiveness but also leverages the executive's existing capabilities to drive further development. This dual focus ensures that feedback is perceived as supportive and constructive, thereby enhancing the executive's engagement and commitment to personal and organizational goals.

I would add that feedback and solutions can be self generated by the coachee by skilful asking of questions to raise awareness. A coach gains data by noticing how they react to what a client says and by offering this non-judgementally it can be a catalyst for the coachee to gain new awareness. For example- “I noticed when you said x I felt a tightening in my chest. What did you notice within you when you said that?

A really great executive coach isn't telling the executive what to do or how to act. That is consulting which is different than coaching. When you are coaching an executive, it's in service to them for you to be open and honest and push them to recognize themselves. You are not there to be a friend, but to provide an avenue through which they learn about themselves and their behavior and how to adjust their aim as needed.

Regular follow-ups are crucial in executive coaching as they foster a culture of continuous improvement and accountability. By consistently revisiting goals and progress, you not only reinforce positive behaviors but also create a safe space for the executive to discuss ongoing challenges. This iterative process ensures that feedback is not just heard but acted upon, leading to sustained growth and development.