Good days, bad moments, and scary-accurate horoscopes

My days go pretty well. I'm past feeling burdened by every thought, sight, body movement, and interpersonal interaction. I've moved into a phase of feeling mostly like myself while still experiencing moments of ouchiness each day. (Surprise!)

Do you check your horoscope? I do, maybe two or three times a week. Today was one of those weird times when the babble actually seemed to fit. I checked it — as a quick way to shake off a bad moment — just after seeing a client email with the subject "How does January 23 sound for you?"

January 23 was the baby's due date.

The client, of course, was proposing a work deadline. One that I'll have no trouble meeting. So, I countered that bad moment by clicking on some fluff.

My Leo reading said:

"Sometimes it's hard for you to keep up the dance of daily life while you are processing your feelings. Nevertheless, you can do it, even if you are hurting inside. Keep in mind that your emotions are raw and tender now; they wouldn't survive in their present form if they were on public display. Don't judge yourself negatively; you'll know when to share your heart."

I thought that was pretty applicable! I am keeping up that dance. From the outside, all looks normal with me. (I think. I hope!) And I feel fairly normal — for good, long stretches of every day — from the inside. But inside is definitely where I'm keeping what remains of those raw, tender emotions. I've reached a point at which I don't feel better letting them out. Talking about them doesn't help, but hanging on a bit and nursing them does.

All in all, I'd say time is doing its thing.

Finally, the HMT is born!

Thought all the POAS'ers out there would like this little audio bit from the Onion:

"Procter & Gamble Introduces Home Menstruation Test"

DH just flew into the family room to see why I was crying. It took a triple take for him to realize I was laughing, all the way out loud.

Mother's Day turned 100 this year?

How did I miss that one? This year marked its 100th birthday. I realize this is old news. I spent that day in a bad state, then a slightly better one, all but certain that the IVF hadn't worked. But I find it odd that I would have missed news of such a milestone. I must have practiced lots of selective hearing around that time.

If I didn't know that tidbit before, I know it today. Now, this is not a rant about Mother's Day. It just happens to factor into my little anecdote.

You see I received some floral deliveries on Wednesday. (I aged this week!) One arrangement came from someone with whom I've had a difficult time communicating since the miscarriage. Said Someone (SS) found a bizarre way to make my experience all about SS. Quite a feat, that.

Anyway, SS's flowers withered, so I pitched 'em this morning and set about washing the decorative vase. My heart stopped when I noticed something I hadn't before — a painted-on seal that said something like* "Mother's Day 2008 — 100 Years of Celebrating Moms."

My thoughts ran like this:

• Did SS select this from the Mother's Day menu and just not notice?
• Did SS mean to communicate that I am in some way a mother?
• Well, I was pregnant on Mother's Day 2008 . . . is the Universe warning me to remember it because that's the only one I'll ever get?
• Why am I feeling sooo annoyed with SS when I'm sure SS had no idea about the seal?
• And why am I angry with myself for even having that got-kicked-in-the-gut feeling after feeling fairly decent all week?

I am thoroughly satisfied that this was just an unusual coincidence. Yet I can't quite get over feeling annoyed that the item came from SS. Probably, I'm annoyed that I can't justifiably be annoyed with SS about it. SS is totally innocent of malice here, but I'm still hanging on to some negative feelings about an earlier scenario we'll call "Your Miscarriage Is a Particular Hardship for Me — and, By the Way, I've Felt Much Worse Than You're Feeling Right Now."

Or, maybe the real source of my "annoyance" has nothing to do with SS or the vase and everything to do with losing a baby.

Hard to say. Just riding it out and writing it out . . .



*I threw that sucker into the trash, so I can't double-check.

9.82

My IVF nurse just called with my most recent HCG reading. It's 9.82 — low enough that the clinic doesn't need to check it again. I think it's hilarious that I'd hoped for a single-digit report today and, for the first time ever when giving me a beta reading, they tacked on some decimals.

No matter. I am free from the needles! All post-D&C bleeding stopped last Wednesday (this was also the day on which I regained a nice semblance of hormonal sanity), and the no-bleeding thing has been a huge relief.

This Thursday I'll see Dr. K for a cycle debriefing. It's a "complimentary" consult, but I plan to get more than my money's worth. I've started a list of questions, the answers to which should help (we hope) narrow the focus of our decision-making discussions at home.

The nurse asked if we knew what decision we're leaning toward. Funny!

I didn't tell her that recent very serious considerations have included my getting an elective hysterectomy and rescuing a few more dogs (that was my insane self talking early on, and really meaning it); ditching the careers and opening a coffee shop on Norman Island (Travel Channel trance-a-thon, anyone?); somehow ramping up the careers, selling the house and cars, and moving into a tiny no-kids-allowed condo in the city; and — brace yourself for the big swing — draining our retirement savings and pursuing ART until something sticks or we are homeless.

Luckily none of those options sound brilliant anymore. Calm, practical heads all around.

Still, I have no idea what we'll do.

Now is later

Here's something I haven't blogged about:

DH and I recently suffered a big blow in our lives separate from the miscarriage. Call it a personal family crisis. The kind that comes out of nowhere and cuts you off at the knees. But we didn't miss a day, and we are still here. Still committed to each other, certain that we love each other as much or more than ever, and positive that the last 18 years have been as great and as real and as worth it as they come.

Hope nobody minds that I won't be mentioning details. I realize bringing up a "big blow" without describing it opens the doors of speculation. But I can't help that, and probably whatever you're thinking is wrong, and worse. I just needed to (cryptically) post about it to free me from the feeling that I'm not addressing something that's occupying just as much of my energy as healing from the miscarriage right now.

I will say with complete confidence that, thank god, both DH and I are IN this life we created together, together. All the way. For better. For worse. So we will work through this spate of all-around life crap. It's hard, though.

We've been seeing a counselor that deals with IF and related marital issues. Some of her input has been helpful, lots of it hasn't. We'll see which way that table turns, but the act of talking with a third party has been beneficial in itself and may be the most valuable thing. We do talk at home on our own, too, but the therapist definitely asks questions that we aren't likely to voice ourselves. Our main concerns are (1) making sure we deal with our current grief/pain in a healthy way, and (2) making quick work (as quick as is reasonable) of figuring out what we're going to "be" as a family. Will we continue TTC on our own for a specified time? Will we pursue other ART options? Adopt? Live child free? We've made those decisions before, obviously — several times — but we have to do so again with nothing but a cold, hard, objective look at where we are NOW. What's done is done. What's failed has failed. What we can't achieve we can't achieve. I need a goal that we can attain . . . and one that we can both live with when we get it.

Of course I've gotten tons of advice from family — it's all related only to what we should/shouldn't feel, do, or say about the miscarriage and continuing or stopping the quest to start a family. (We don't discuss our personal marriage biz with the fam. We didn't used to discuss our family-planning efforts, either, but cluing people into the IVF kinda opened that can of worms.) Gotta love 'em anyway and screen more calls.

This brings up my urge to present a video moment. Haven't slapped one up in a while. Do you remember English Beat's "Save It for Later?" It's a current favorite on my iPod. I love the song but have never known or cared what it was about. Still not sure that I do, even after reading the lyrics. Hit play to take a gander.



I've been drawn to the snippet "Sooner or later / Your legs give way, you hit the ground / Save it for later." Mainly because I feel like I hit the ground twice in the past couple of months and have engaged in lots of saving "it" for later . . . for when I could handle it.

As my post title hints, now is later in my world. I've turned a corner and I'm standing, walking forward even. Funny how that always happens in life — if you're lucky, that is, which I know I am.

If I'm really lucky, I'll get to the next few laters after this one, too. Fingers crossed and heart open.



**********

So what do the lyrics actually mean? Songfacts.com will tell you!

English Beat singer/guitarist Dave Wakeling says of this song: "It was about being lost, about not really knowing your role in the world, trying to find your place in the world. So, you couldn't find your own way in the world, and you'd have all sorts of people telling you this, that, and the other, and advising you, and it didn't actually seem like they knew any better. So it was like keep your advice to yourself. Save it — for later."

Cool! Guess I could just feel some of that even though I still don't see it in the words or get the same sense from the video interpretation. Ha!

Limbo Land

Haven't had much to say recently. Actually, that's not true — I've had too much to say, so I've kept a proper lid on it!

I'm hanging in, still waiting for the post D&C bleeding to completely stop. My HCG levels aren't falling at the rate the RE likes to see, so I'm getting an ultrasound early next week to see what's what.

Limbo Land.

I've really had it up to here (picture my hand gesturing far above my head) with walking through those clinic doors. But it looks like I have at least three more visits to go.

All things considered, I'm doing okay. I think. I can and do still burst into tears out of nowhere (and just about anywhere), but I have more and more moments of feeling fine in between the tears. I'm not typically much for the crying, but letting it happen as it wants to seems best. I've gotten pretty good at keeping it discreet!

I'm guessing that I'll start making quicker progress when the bloodletting stops and I don't have to see a (several-times') daily reminder of the lost dream.

Today's headlines

These news-feed gems caught my eye today:

"Grandma, 70, Gives Birth to Twins, Wanted Male Heir"

"Pregnant Man Gives Birth"

"Having Kids Makes You Happy (FALSE)"

"Hollywood Actress Pregnant with Second Child Just 10 Months After Giving Birth"

The best news is that I successfully resisted the click!

Safe and happy 4th to all.