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| Still love him. |
So to sweeten the deal, I'm adding a contest. Send in a link to the very worst erotica you can find. You can comment below or use ye olde email (jillhamilton001@gmail.com). Deadline is January 22, so you have plenty of time to look around, then set fire to your search history. Winner will be the entry I deem the best worst erotica, as determined by a ridiculously unfair and unfathomable system based on funniness, personal taste and the ancient Mayan calendar.
The lucky winner will, one day in the very near future, walk out to their mailbox and be shocked to find a discreetly packaged Cadet Dildo courtesy of Good Vibrations lurking within. It might be a vibrating version of the Cadet or not. We still haven't worked out the details on that part, but it will for sure look like a dick (in one of three colors!) and I think that is an important feature of a pretend penis. That's $42-80 of penis-shaped silicone that's pretty damn perfect for all your pegging needs!
In the meantime, I'm also pleased to inform you that dear sullen Morrissey was the recipient (winner, perhaps is too strong a word here) of this year's Literary Review's Bad Sex in Fiction Award. The judges were particularly swayed by this passage from Morrissey's List of the Lost which certainly lends credence to his assertion that he's asexual.
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| Yes, we ARE happy to see you |
"At this, Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball
of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit
and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster
coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled
across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous
salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way
into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone"
Anyway, here's the too weird/not weird enough article. And don't forget to enter the contest. That dildo could soon inside you or inside an orifice of someone you love! Or at least someone you like well enough to feel comfortable sticking a fake penis (in one of three colors) in one of their holes.
Fuck, I've missed you.
xoxoxxo
jill
******
7 Least Appealing Objects of Desire in
Erotica
We are truly in a golden age of
erotica. Maybe not quality-wise, necessarily, but in quantity—we've
got it covered. Anyone or anything that is even vaguely fuckable has
fanfic or a cheapo Amazon book featuring their heaving bosom and/or
throbbing manhood and/or whatever spiky thing they have in their
loins. Within seconds you can access smut featuring Santa
Claus, Dobby
the House Elf or a pterodactyl
“who might have carnal pleasures in mind.” (Sure, some of it's
meant to be funny/parody
stuff, but, well....there's sure a lot of it. There's clearly
something else going on here*--like how vehemently anti-gay
politicians seem to spend a whole lot of time talking about gay
dudes.)
Here then are erotica's 7 Least Appealing
Objects of Desire.
--Not Obviously Sexy Celebrities!
Celebrities who rarely make anyone's
freebie
list finally get to throb with desire in stories like The
Audition in which a hopeful contestant walks into Pat Sajak's (!)
office and “is shocked to see Pat Sajak with his pants on the
ground and one hell of a hard-on.” As one would be. Other erotic
fodder includes the “Happy
Days” cast, Ray
Romano, Beavis
and Butthead, and Mowgli
and the Village Girl from “Jungle Book” (who, apparently,
also have balloon fetishes. Because Mowgli/Village Girl erotica
wasn't quite specific enough.)
Best/worst sentence (from The
Audition): “Pat uses each hole well, like the proverbial
gopher popping in and out of Vanna and Lila’s boxes.”
