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Destination: Infestation (2007)
VIEWS ON FILM review of Destination: Infestation
What I learned from 2007's Destination: Infestation, is that it's a thread of Snakes on a Plane from one year earlier. Just call it "Ants on a Plane" as YouTube would say. It's just too bad ants aren't quite as scary as snakes. I mean maybe they are but the film sure doesn't project it as such. "Captain we have a situation in the cabin". You don't say.
Anyway here's the gist with "Destination": a plane flying to the states from Columbia, gets invested with bullet ants whose sting will probably kill ya or make you feel some serious pain. It's up to a confident Sky Marshall and an entomologist to hopefully save the day.
So yeah, here's the problem with Destination: Infestation, it tries to update a certain 2006 vehicle only to come off as a less tighter version of something like Outbreak (complete with a probable, Operation Clean Sweep ending). I mean I blame the clunky editing, the annoying, cliched established characters, and the killer ants themselves. They may sound nasty and look clear-sighted but that's about it. "They're everywhere". Are they though? Are you sure?
"Destination" is directed by George Mendeluk, a dude who needed a better sifter of final content to secure his creature feature, direct-to-video vision. I mean here you have scenes between the ant attacks that slow to a creep, deflating the dramatic momentum like filler or dailies from the cutting room floor. Uh, that's not good for a movie merely 89 minutes long. Then there's the personas of Destination: Infestation who exhibit campy acting and vexing dispositions. It's never a good thing when you root for the evil insects to end these personas instead of the other way around. Finally there's those ants, those wishy-washy ants, only showing up when they feel the need to alpha dog the situation. Come on guys, do you want to harm the humans, forgather for kicks and giggles, or just chew up the fiber optic wires of the craft? Make up your darn minds. And um, no water breaks and/or timeouts in between. For reals.
All in all, Destination: Infestation stars Jessalyn Gilsig, Antonio Sabato Jr., and Serge Houde, actors you don't hear much of anymore. They probably should have fired their agents after this swipe but it's obvious they remained loyal as salivated mongrels. "Destination" bad sign.
Apollo 13: Survival (2024)
VIEWS ON FILM review of Apollo 13: Survival
If you liked 2019's Apollo 11 (and I did), then you're probably gonna feel the same about 2024's Apollo 13: Survival (and I do). "Survival" is one of those movies where if you were alive at the time or you're some zealous history buff, you're gonna know the outcome. Probability as a minus? Uh, not really. If that was the case then a certain Tom Hanks vehicle from "The Good Decade " wouldn't command box office clout and become a critical darling. "We have commit, and we have lift-off." Yeah you do.
Directed by Peter Middleton, a guy who thinks in cuts (even though he didn't shoot the actuality of what's on screen) and distributed by Netflix, Apollo 13: Survival chronicles the Apollo 13 crew mission circa 1970, where three astronauts (Jim Lovell, Jack Swigert, Fred Haise) failed to get to the Moon and had to error-free swing around Earth's satellite to get back home safely.
"Survival", well it's a documentary in which you wonder why it took so long to tell its story and how did all this pristine, archived restoration suddenly suffice after decades in the vault. I mean I got to tell ya, this is an impressive print, mildly grainy and whimsical and mindfully longing for the past.
Middleton in his third feature forgoes any reenactments or self-imposed flowery, using nothing but found footage and voice-only interviews from the immediate folk that were there. Yup, his film plays out like pure non-fiction, providing a stirring musical score by James Spinney and ripe, cosmos cinematography that is eerie beauty to the hilt. I mean with every dangerous situation those three rocket jocks faced, "Survival" just becomes even more riveting. Again you as the viewer know everything is gonna be copasetic via windup but that's beside the point. Apollo 13: Survival is a docu that would rather heighten the cinematic days of yore as opposed to just reinventing the Space Race hoop. "Shuttle of life."
Midnight Run (1988)
VIEWS ON FILM review of Midnight Run
"It is truly in your best interest to just relax". So quips Robert De Niro's Jack Walsh in 1988's Midnight Run, a rather overrated piece of action-thronged swipe. Yeah 95% on Rotten doesn't lie but it would be in my best interest as a critic to not lie to myself.
So yeah, Midnight Run was directed by then box office champ Martin Brest, coming off the huge success of one Beverly Hills Cop. With "Run", Brest gives the film a dangerous vitality and a frantic pace, a little too frantic for him to handle considering that his work usually moves at a snail's lick. I mean with Martin it's all about the cinematic journey, the means to a long end. That's why Midnight Run has tons of locales (including a Niles, MI train station located 20 miles from where I grew up) and milieus, a sort of crisscross-whiffed Americana. "What do think this is a class trip?" You said it Bob not me.
A Mexican standoff here, a helicopter/car chase there, crime boss high noon-s everywhere, Midnight Run is like 1987's Planes, Trains and Automobiles for bounty hunters. The only problem is that the flick doesn't have much heart, or characters you get to really know, or an actual, composite story. It's basically a well-acted pic with De Niro's Walsh pursuing a mob accountant (Jonathan Mardukas played by Charles Grodin) in hopes of getting him back to LA to collect $100,000 from a bail bondsman.
Clocking in at just over two hours, Midnight Run provides plenty of gun-drawing battles, fade in, fade out personas, and jocular payoffs only to evaporate right after the closing credits come up. I mean all the witty banter between De Niro/Grodin and humor me scenes of public place, 80s chain smoking aren't gonna get me closer to recommending it. Tip and "run".
Hell Camp: Teen Nightmare (2023)
VIEWS ON FILM review of Hell Camp: Teen Nightmare
"There was a deep concern that the youth of America was taking a wrong turn." According to 2023's Hell Camp: Teen Nightmare, that refers to the 1980s and all its big mane glory. That's funny. I always thought it was the 70s in which kids were at their most ungovernable. Netflix, it seems you've stumped me again.
With interviews that feel earned from people who were there (angry minors, law enforcement, attorneys) and grainy archives that give off the whiff of creeped out remembrance, "Hell Camp" is a documentary that never hits a false note, and that's despite its need to push the bourn of bad taste. I mean young-un-s forced to hike in 100-degree, Utah heat without the use of toilet paper and/or access to water is pretty bad. "You know, what do you do?" That's a good question. I mean what do you do.
Unbearable hotness and historical contexts begot, Hell Camp: Teen Nightmare is a haunting vehicle about a haunting guy (the late Steve Cartisano), whose stock footage probing lingers long after the closing credits come up. So yeah, Steve made a ton of moolah running a therapy wilderness camp, where troubled teens were kidnapped, taken to a faraway place, and made to do manual labor (amongst other things that were indecorous).
TV director Liza Williams, well she looks like a seasoned pro in regards to "Hell Camp", interspersing late, "decade of decadence" clips with present day accounts, all the while pandering to the rhythms of Tom Ryan's heady musical score. Watching Hell Camp: Teen Nightmare, you realize that Williams is trying like all hell to achieve an end (pun intended). I mean this is a true story that needed to be told and you painfully wonder why it took 30 darn years to tell it. Atheists "nightmare".
Reagan (2024)
VIEWS ON FILM review of Reagan
Somewhere between Oliver Stone's W and Adam McKay's 2018 vehicle Vice, lies Reagan, a biopic that's not as dialogue-driven as the former and less spoof-like than the latter. Reagan, well it's about Ronald Reagan (duh), the 40th prez of the United States and a former actor to boot. Told in one 135-minute flashback sequence through the eyes and ears of fictional KGB agent Viktor Petrovich (played by Jon Voight, acting like Jon Voight but with a Russian accent), Reagan chronicles Ronny's life chronologically, from his childhood to his stint in Tinseltown to his presidency to his horse riding retirement. "Get in the game, run for office". Oh you betcha.
Reagan is directed by Sean McNamara, a thirty-year-plus veteran of stuff anywhere between fantasy comedies (Casper Meets Wendy) to biographical dramas (Soul Surfer) to last year's On a Wing and a Prayer. I mean you could say a lot about Sean's films but you could never reveal that they're boring. McNamara injects Reagan with a lot of energy and a sense of urgency as he whisks you from one historical set piece to the next. Instead of piling on the schmaltz and possible sentimental sludge, helmer McNamara fashions Reagan into a rather hard-nosed drama (pun intended) with a little dry jocularity, some biting satire, and some goofy self-deprecation. Check out the insertion of the music video "Land of Confusion" and you'll see what I mean.
Now you're probably wondering who plays Ronald Reagan and well, I'm gonna tell ya. It's Dennis Quaid don't you know and this might be one of the best performances of his career (along with '79's bicycle flick, Breaking Away). Quaid looks like Ron from the profile side and on occasion, gets the mannerisms and facial expressions just right. Heck, he winks to audience but in a good way, as most of his line readings of speeches and soliloquies crackle while running wild. He is supported effectively by a cast of knowns (Voight mentioned earlier, Robert Davi, Kevin Dillon, C. Thomas Howell) playing anyone from film exec Jack Warner to Leonid Brezhnev to Republican Caspar Weinberger. In the hands of another filmmaker, Reagan might come off as a snoozing slog, maybe a wiki page entry with bad, paint-drying sensibilities. With Sean McNamara however, you have capable, lightning-quick editing, solid, crisp cinematography, and stylish, montage clips of good old Dutch getting his trouper on. A win for this "Gipper".
Killer Bees (2002)
VIEWS ON FILM review of Killer Bees
"We have a suspect". So says a coroner talking about some nasty insects that sting and kill. They frequently inhabit the small town of Sumas in 2002's Killer Bees.
Watching "Bees", you realize it's a B-movie (pun intended), featuring the perfect casting of C. Thomas Howell who is the king of late night cable endeavors and you guessed it, B-movies (also pun intended). Howell plays Sheriff Lyndon Harris, a good-natured cat who tries to warn the citizens of Washington's honey haven (and their toupee Mayor) from the nectar-feeding danger that's coming. I mean it's like you're watching Jaws on the low, with said Sheriff acting like the leisurely version of chief Brody. "I've been stung once, but it ain't gonna happen again". Yeah you tell 'em Ponyboy.
Made as a TV flick, with probably a shoestring budget and what looks like Syfy Channel special effects, Killer Bees doesn't take itself seriously until it has to. That basically means it's burlesque shenanigans mixed with almost horrific bee-attacking sequences that literally blur the lines of bad taste. One minute you're squirming, the next minute you're chuckling and snorting. Yup, the quirky characters in "Bees" include a deputy Dewey type, a bully, "Buddy" Repperton type, and Doug Abrahams channeling his inner Larry Vaughn, poo-poohing the nastiness of the killer bees and what they'll do to a bunch of harmless denizens at a local fair. "We can't shut down because of one man's craze bee foray". Yeah you keep telling yourself that pal.
So yeah, I can't quite recommend Killer Bees. Why you ask? Because it's one of those, "in the cards" films where the protagonists barely get harmed by the pollen-crazed creatures and the antagonists (and goofy dolts) get killed and/or urticated on a dime. Bottom line: Killer Bees may kind of feel like a pseudo, drive-in classic with a little Velveeta in tote. But hey, this ain't 70s cinema people, and the heralded, "Master of Horror" is surely not behind this wheel. Mixed "bees" kneed.
The Perfect Assistant (2008)
VIEWS ON FILM review of The Perfect Assistant
2008's The Perfect Assistant is probably the most reserved Lifetime flick that ever came down the pike. I mean I'm not saying it's ineffective but director Douglas Jackson would rather douse you in the art of character study and take his time as opposed to just rolling out the thriller schlock. "There's a lot of stuff here that doesn't make sense". Sure it does. Look closer silly wabbit!
Starring Josie Davis, Rachel Hunter, and Chris Potter, "Perfect Assistant" starts from I suppose, the middle and builds tension inch by careful inch. So yeah, it's not a violent Lifetime endeavor nor does it go over the top but its quiet tone and "I'm God's lonely man" (or in this case woman) air gives you the delicate willies.
Josie Davis, a veteran of TV and film, plays "Perfect Assistant's" lead in Rachel Partson, an administrative PA who becomes obsessed with her boss to the point where she'll do anything (including murder and manipulation) to eventually marry him one day.
Davis, well she creates the Rachel persona from the ground up, so when the final confrontation occurs as she's toting a gat at a restaurant, you feel her dejection and cray cray heartache. Josie's Rachel is easy on the eyes but a sad sack, a girl who talks to herself, lives with an irksome roommate, and readily thumbs her way into everyone's beeswax. So OK, you don't see Rachel doing a lot of offing in "Perfect Assistant" but it's what you don't discern or imagine she did in the past that will make your blood curdle. I mean at one point in the pic she says that both of her parents are dead. You wonder if good old "Rach" had a hand in that partaking. Ugh.
In hindsight, The Perfect Assistant is not trashy, Lifetime Network flare nor does it possess any type of style or modus operandi. Its strength lies in putting Davis in almost every frame, as her creeper plight alone feels like an eldritch, first-person narrative. Cared "assistant".
Gone in 60 Seconds (1974)
VIEWS ON FILM review of Gone in 60 Seconds
"Sometimes when you steal a car you get more than you bargain for". Oh fo sho. I mean sometimes you get a movie out of the whole shebang. And uh, sometimes you get a car chase that's its own separate entity, clocking in at about 40 minutes. Crazy town.
So yeah, 1974's Gone in 60 Seconds is the original Gone in 60 Seconds, only to be later remade into a more commercialized, Nic Cage vehicle of the same title (pun intended). "Gone", well it takes place in Long Beach, California, amidst the Southern Cali smog and seedy, Southern Cali underbelly. The gist: a drug lord pays a car thief and his merry men to steal 48 cars in 5 days. Seems easy right? Wrong. The fuzz is on the prowl and they'll do whatever it takes to thwart the mighty operation. "I should have read my horoscope this morning". Yeah you should have pal, before trying to lift that Ford Mustang named "Eleanor".
Starring H. B. Halicki, Marion Busia, and George Cole (never heard of these guys, have you?), Gone in 60 Seconds is the ultimate "Me' Decade" pic, a supposed drive-in mainstay warts and all. Possibly the inspiration for the Beastie Boys music vid "Sabotage" (possibly), "Gone" is 70s Cheese Whiz I tell you, with director Halicki giving us something the late William Friedkin would've done had he made The French Connection into a low budget porn flick minus a little "ooh la la".
Gene Hackman thrillers and processed sauces aside, "Gone" has got poor dubbing with a little tongue-in-cheek added. It also has goofball, wooden acting that seems rather appropriate for all the automobile theft shenanigans going down. Then there's "Gone's" choppy editing with zooms and car crash continuity errors gone aplenty. Finally, Gone in 60 Seconds has a modernized musical score from Ronald Halicki and Philip Kachaturian that sort of supplies a breezy, wound up intensity. Heck, it all seems to come together despite a few defects (har har), giving the audience member a screw loose classic speaker systems everywhere still probably salivate over. "Seconds" in command!
Trap (2024)
VIEWS ON FILM review of Trap
"I feel out of control". So says Josh Hartnett's Cooper, the would-be psycho killer from 2024's Trap. Hartnett, well he plays Coop a little over the top, almost to the point of self-parody. One I guess basically flew over the Cooper's nest. Natch.
So yeah, Trap is another M. Night Shyamalan concoction, full of endless closeups, hobbledehoy rules, eye-rolling self-cameos, and pseudo, Spielbergian moments. I mean ever since Night brought the house down a la The Sixth Sense, he's made about 13 more films with maybe two of them worth embracing (Signs, Split). Shyamalan, well he constantly seems like a mixture of Steven Spielberg and Alfred Hitchcock. The problem is that Spielberg and Hitchcock are everyone's favorite sons while Night is the misbegotten stepchild, looking for some starved attention.
Shot with a budget of $30 million, saddled with a neutered, PG-13 rating, and featuring a supporting role played by Hayley Mills (yes that Hayley Mills from The Parent Trap), Trap is like the first flick from Shyamalan I can remember that didn't have his true, signature twist at the end. I mean the movie is all so cut and dried as it's devoid of any real apprehension, intrigue, or mystery. What's on screen, well it's the antithesis of everything the "Master of Suspense", and it's about as predictable as six months of total darkness in Alaska.
Trap's gist: a serial murderer goes with his daughter to a concert where a poor man's Rihanna is singing (that would be Lady Raven, played by M. Night's daughter Seleka Shyamalan). Guess what, the concert is a setup to try and find the bad guy as he eventually exits an arena of I guess 19-20 thousand people. Security and cops and backdoor limos and blocked entrances oh my! M. Night Shyamalan tries to hit a home run with Trap's "there for the taking" picture painting but ends up fouling off into the stands. Adding four or five extra endings in which Cooper escapes is not innovative, it's just Night's desperate way of filling his weakened, 105-minute running time. Boob "trapped".
Alien: Romulus (2024)
VIEWS ON FILM review of Alien: Romulus
Alien: Romulus is a nasty, eye candy-filled movie, a pile of grossness you can't look away from. Its story, well it's an interquel I tell you, a gap between Alien and '86's Aliens. You have these young space colonists, somewhat misfits if you will, venture to an unknown spacecraft looking for stasis chambers to get them to another, better planet. I bet you can't guess what happens next. I'm kidding. I mean why do we go to these Alien franchised flicks in the first place? We go to see those unpleasant facehuggers and xenomorphs get their proverbial kill on. "Should be in and out in thirty minutes." Uh-huh, yeah whatever.
Now is Alien: Romulus a chartered, Alien greatest hits collection like the other critics have been saying? Well yeah, everything minus an actual, working space crew aboard the big-arse vessel. I mean let's look at the evidence shall we: there's a chestburster homage to the original installment from 1979 (check). There's an underwater alien homage to Alien: Resurrection (check on). There's that Engineer persona homage to good old Prometheus (check mark). Finally, there's a POV, tracking shot homage to Alien 3 (checkmate). "Whatever comes, we'll face it together". You ain't kidding boss. You ain't kidding.
John Hurt hurting and albino humanoids aside, Alien Romulus is clearly not archetypal but it's got a lot of energy and keyed up suspense to boot. Starring the likes of unknowns Cailee Spaeny, David Jonsson, and Spike Fearn, "Romulus" is sci-fi potluck, somewhat disjointed, somewhat ceaseless, but never boring. I mean it might lack James Cameron's knack for fixed in the mind characters and it may hinder Ridley Scott's reveling in having the viewer feel a million miles a way from home ("in space, no one can hear you scream"). Oh well. "Romulus" is worth a watch anyway, and it actually has that grainy, dirtied-up look and feel of something that was released in the early-to-mid-80s (revert back to first paragraph). Resident "alien".
Avgrunden (2023)
VIEWS ON FILM review of The Abyss
"We have to evacuate". Yeah you do. Sinkholes, earthquakes, tremors, and extended breaks oh my! The late Charlton Heston called and well, he says he wants his open chest hair back.
Anyway 2023's The Abyss has nothing to do with a certain sci-fi flick from 1989. Bible. I mean they share the same title but one movie is underwater fodder with stop frame animation while the other is an art film disaster pic, slow-burned, slowly build-ed up, and slogged about. "Just stay calm". Yeah whatever. I'm calm and more stultified than anything else. Ugh.
So yeah, what do drawn-out sequences of fault line collapses, parodied sandbox descending-s, and laughable rock fracture clips do for you? Not much on my end and that's why I can't embrace The Abyss and its penchant for reveling in the self-fulfilling prophecies of people getting into life-threatening situations via a small, sinking Scandinavian town. "Heck, I can't swim, so you know what, I stay out of the darn pool". Words to live by boss. Words to live by.
"Abyss", well it stars Tuva Novotny, Peter Franzen, and Kardo Razzazi, unknown actors who exhibit stiff line readings, a pouting demeanor, and the unfortunate snag of being poorly dubbed. I mean you want them to survive (kind of) but at the same time, they come off as cliched, periled characters, making bad acumen and saying stuff like "we've got to get out of here" or "we've got to go". And then, well The Abyss concludes a la a nice neat bow, with the town of Kiruna, Sweden no longer going under and everybody seemingly pulling through (except for one doltish daddy). It's like the producers and TV/video monger Richard Holm ran out of wiggle room and decided to cave in, giving "Abyss" its Waterloo, Hallmark ending. Mixed "chasm".
One Fast Move (2024)
VIEWS ON FILM review of One Fast Move
"I wanna race". Yeah of course you do. So does Carroll Shelby and his merry men.
Anyway One Fast Move is "one" promising film until it sort of deflates at the end (no pun intended). I mean where is the come-to-Jesus moment? And what's with the wishy-washy actions of the female love interest forgiving her roughneck man so quickly? And uh, why not go back and check up on injured dad instead of finishing a time trial that's one of many via the future? These are questions mind you and with One Fast Move, they shouldn't really exist, at least not in the last ten minutes. "When can I get my bike back". Um, easy there big guy.
A motorcycle contest here, a make whoopee scene there, a Harry & Son moment between actors KJ Apa and Eric Dane, One Fast Move is about fathers and lads and girlfriends and deadly, corner drag racing. Yeah it's kind of like Days of Thunder but with a stern chip on its shoulder. Tom Cruise called and well, he says he wants his Alpinestars gloves and Persol 200 sunglasses back. Natch.
Cole Trickle pics and premium fuel intakes aside, One Fast Move isn't a bad flick, just a mixed, regretful one. I mean the script is feasible, a concoction of stuff good old Harry Hogge would say ("rubbing son, is racing"). And then there's the fast-paced, POV racing sequences (shot intermittently), the solid moments of goodly emoting, and some raw performances from the troupers (Dane kind of kills it as alcoholic, estranged daddy Dean Miller). The only problem is that One Fast Move's journey is much more heightened than its destination of blase, checkered flag ticks. It's like crossing the cinematic finish line with only two people giving you the proverbial rally. Not so "fast".
The Good Nurse (2022)
VIEWS ON FILM review of The Good Nurse
"He's been killing people, without ever touching them". Uh, that doesn't sound creepy at all. Anyone reminded of a voodoo doll, or an effigy? Ugh.
Anyway 2022's The Good Nurse has been designated by its wiki page as a thriller. I mean I wouldn't go that far considering a thriller has to you know, thrill. "Nurse's" story, well it's a true one, played out in par for the course, mundane fashion. It's something about a caregiver who was accused of killing a ton of hospital patients without any known motive (what?). Eddie Redmayne stars as said caregiver Charlie Cullen and gives a rather numbing, unsettled performance. Jessica Chastain, well she matches him as protagonist Amy Loughren, a colleague nurse who tries to whistle-blow Charlie for his deadly shenanigans in the good old infirmary. "Yeah, her death, it was sudden". Right O chap. Right O.
Distributed by Netflix with random musical score interludes by Biosphere (never heard of these guys before, have you?), The Good Nurse has Danish helmer Tobias Lindholm letting every scene play out in frame as opposed to just freewheeling and/or hotdogging with the camera. His look is darkly-lit, his shots mostly wide-s and/or close-ups, his characters cold and indifferent. Yeah Lindholm can direct but seems hellbent on not beguiling his audience. His "Nurse" feels like David Fincher fare but sadly minus any enigma or uh, power to rivet.
Take heed though because The Good Nurse has solid acting and a decent psychobabble, medicine man script, even if sometimes you the viewer feel the need to throw things at the screen via the flick's glacial pace and overt, lack of suspense. I mean if you wanna be sent away with your knees knocking well "Nurse" probably won't get the job done. I don't know, maybe the similar-themed Coma from 1978 will. Common "good".
Tarot (2024)
VIEWS ON FILM review of Tarot
2024's Tarot is operative as a horror film. I mean it's not scary enough to be a classic but it's not too systematic to travel into self-parody either. Tarot's story, well it's as old as dirt. Don't mess with someone else's fortune telling and don't venture where you don't belong. If you do you'll get the hose again (har har). But seriously folks, I went into Tarot with the lowest of expectations, a snicker if you will. Sometimes that can be a rather effective, cinematic half-pie. Natch.
Made on a budget of $8 million and being rather successful at the box office (I never even knew it got released), Tarot reminds you of stuff like Final Destination, Scream, and even A Nightmare on Elm Street. Yeah helmers Spenser Cohen and Anna Halberg were obviously doing their homework and well, even copying off of other people's notepads (it's manifest).
Tarot's motifs are as follows: a group of seven friends have to figure out who among them is the would-be killer (check). That same group of friends also have to realize that maybe an otherwise snarky demon might be doing the actual killing (check it). The same group of buds get picked off one by one in rather cowinkdink fashion (check the technique). Finally, there are different ways in which these seven millennials are prone to biting that proverbial dust (Czechoslovakia!). "Paging Jimmy Wong, Jimmy Wong".
Early 2000s death knells aside, Tarot stars Harriet Slater, Adain Bradley, and Jacob Batalon, actors who are typical horror flick tropes, making typically bad, horror flick decisions (don't ever climb a ladder into an attic after hearing weird sounds in said attic, ever!). The film, well it's well-directed, well-paced, and the storytelling of confidants unleashing an evil entity via some old-arse playing, stiff papers is in a word, adequate. Howbeit, although Tarot's ending will probably have you doing the old SMH take heed, there have been worse journeys. Drawing "card".
Old Dads (2023)
VIEWS ON FILM review of Old Dads
2023's Old Dads is a real car accident of a movie, a sometimes mischance you can't look away from. I mean you could call it comedy (that's its M. O.) but there's also some embittered, dramatic scarring to deal with. The runtime is 104 minutes, the humor is as dry as sandpaper, and the setting is suburbia LA. "Change happens faster than when you were young". Oh fo sho.
Directed by veteran funnyman Bill Burr and released by Netflix in October of last year, Old Dads is about what it says it is, a raw character study of three best buds who become fathers later in life than expected. Burr (he plays Jack Kelly) is the Greek chorus dad, the anchor of all things middle aging. He's loose-lipped and angry and perturbed, possibly on the verge of self-reproach. The other dads that hang with him (Bobby Cannavale as Connor Brody, Bokeem Woodbine as Mike Richards) are quite the hoot as well, man-children with zero filter and testy dispositions in tote. "But I'd do anything for my kid". Again fo sho.
Old Dads, well it paints the three daddy-o-s as coarse goofs while their attractive wives kind of lounge in the background, getting their SMH's on. The film, yeah it's basically a series of intense confrontations between husbands and wives and girlfriends and just about anybody with two legs and a heartbeat. Burr is obviously in his element here, sort of playing himself as helmer and trouper while fashioning a one up, acting showcase for tidy effect. His direction is adequate if not disjointed, but what counts is how plain-spoken and blunt his Old Dads is. I mean just imagine a PTA meeting where everyone is inebriated and ready to go after the ill-protected. This thin-skinned critic found the whole ordeal rather fascinating. Not so same "old" same "old".
Twisters (2024)
VIEWS ON FILM review of Twisters
2024's Twisters is one of those movies that's put out at the perfect time, for the warmest season crowd, to make a ton of money at the almighty box office. In other words, it has succeeded (second week worldwide total stands at over $220 mil). So um, why am I hesitating in recommending Twisters? And why are sequels always prone to make you long for the originals? And uh, where's Van Halen's "Humans Being" when you need it? These are questions and I plan on answering them. "If you feel it, chase it." Uh, not quite there big guy.
Anyway, the trailer for Twisters got me really pumped so yeah, I took the bait. And that's considering the litter of summer-themed flicks is real slim pickings this year. I know I know, good trailer bad movie, I should know better. I mean Twisters isn't awful but it lacks the feverish pace and popcorn feel of the first Twister from '96. And hey, the special effects aren't a stepping stone here either. 28 years ago those F5 tornadoes looked scarier than all get out. With Twisters, every destructive vortex is headed for a path of doom but also comes with a collective sigh. It's like Amblin Entertainment forgot to advance its technology via the past three decades. "Some times the old ways are better than the new". Yep-a-dep-a-rooni.
Filmed mainly in Oklahoma (makes sense), using what looks like one set location for the majority of the tornado chases (yup, it's that obvious), and getting the audience to believe that "Auntie Em, it's a twister!" moments happen every darn day (uh, not!), Twisters is an uneven mix of hard-hitting drama, corny, techy script readings, and impractical action sequences set to some bad country music (revert back to first paragraph).
Twisters, well it stars Daisy Edgar-Jones as Kate Carter and Glen Powell as Tyler Owens, two cyclone wranglers who collide and form some pseudo, platonic relationship. One gives a solid performance (that would be Edgar-Jones) while the other becomes a distraction in his own movie, like the Marlboro Man who happens to just wander on set while offering up some sort of sneering advice. If that doesn't seem outre to you then you haven't viewed Twisters yet. "Funnel clouded".
Skywalkers: A Love Story (2024)
VIEWS ON FILM review of Skywalkers: A Love Story
Skywalkers: A Love Story is one of those movies where you say to yourself, "how the heck did they film that?" I mean was the director even there? Or was it found footage? Or did the subjects involved just have cameras attached to their noggins? Seriously this is pretty jaw-dropping stuff, something about a couple of lovebirds (Angela Nikolau, Ivan Beerkus) who form a romantic relationship scaling the roofs of the highest skyscrapers in the world. "Now we were more than just daredevils". Ah, you don't say.
So yeah, why am I about to not fully recommend "Skywalkers" even after that animated first paragraph? Well for one, what Angela and Ivan did was illegal and no matter how talented they may be at rooftopping, they were putting their lives at risk and well, breaking the law. And again speaking of Angela and Ivan, well they aren't the most likable participants in a documentary. Entitled, preoccupied with themselves, nearly defiant, yada yada yada. Those are the words I would use to describe these borderline, whiny millennials. I mean you want them to ditch the attitude, get a real job, and not tick off the boys in blue (another word for the rooftop po-po).
So what's left for Skywalkers: A Love Story? Well it has beautiful cinematography, shiny production values, a Richard Linklater approach to its shooting schedule (that means it was filmed over a period of more than five years), and good old Netflix on its side (that was a joke people). Basically you have a well-made docu that like the more superior Fall (from 2022), presents itself as a cinematic car accident. I mean even if you are afraid of heights (and I am), you just can't look away from the sheer drops you are witnessing. It's just too bad you hesitate in rooting for the people doing the swarming up. "Love" in a mist.
Spieleabend (2024)
VIEWS ON FILM review of Blame the Game
TV slash occasional movie helmer Marco Petry directs 2024's Blame the Game. And in regard to "Game", Marco includes some off dubbing and a few locales that appear to be somewhere in urban Germany. "Dude, it's just a game night, what could go wrong?" Are we talking about the film here or some ill at ease, entertainment potluck?
Anyway Blame the Game (originally titled Spieleabend) sort of reminded me of a 2018 flick with Jason Batemen and Rachel McAdams called Game Night. I stress the "sort of reminded" part. "Game" lacks Game Night's element of agog and deadpan sense of dry humor. I mean Bateman and McAdams trying to avoid kidnappers and gangsters is a heck of a lot more interesting than a bunch of cliched millennials sitting around playing good old Trivial Pursuit.
So yeah, with Blame the Game director Petry fashions something with gags and characterizations straight from the annals of the early to mid-2000s. A man and a woman have a courting process (check). Their dogs become friendly with each other (check it). The same man and woman engage in the horizontal hokey pokey (check please). The same woman invites the man to a game night where he is judged and frowned upon by the woman's D-bag friends (including the ex, gut check). Finally, forced chaos and tension ensue with the addition of a dolt-like, next door neighbor persona who just happens to love hunting wild boar (checkmate).
I mean think about it, "Game" is all so trite and hackneyed, and the only thing that saves it from being a total turkey is the somewhat pseudo chemistry of the leads in German actor Dennis Mojen (he plays Jan) and actress Janina Uhse (she plays the fetching Pia). They are rather appealing but sadly they're surrounding by a pedestrian, blowhard of a movie, where there just has to be scenes with some blotto fool running from a lion in an exhibit and some weirdo, compeer character caught inverted in a fishing net (never viewed that swipe before). No-hit "game".
Cemitério (2024)
VIEWS ON FILM review of Boneyard
Starring Mel Gibson (sort of), Curtis Jackson, and Brian Van Holt, 2024's Boneyard is one of those video on demand movies, where you watch it and realize it will never see the light of day via a high-end theater. That's not to say that it's awful but it does have Mel attached, and ever since the media caught whiff of Gibson's nasty phone calls to his bae more than a decade ago, well it's been streaming city for Mr. Riggs and his mighty mettle.
Anyway Boneyard is directed by unknown Asif Akbar, a dude who's ambitious from the get-go but forgot to hire a capable editor and/or script supervisor to sift through this litter of a crime thriller. I mean Boneyard has a ton of subplots, lots of main and side characters that wander in, trite unnecessary camera angles, middling acting, and an ending that leaves the viewer sort of scratching their collective heads. Gibson's persona (FBI agent Petrovick), well he's barely in Boneyard, as he enters the film periodically like some long-lost puppy who's scheduled for feeding time.
Note to producers: if you're gonna put "mad Mel" on a poster front and center, well you might wanna include him in a few more scenes and not fashion his kooky dick guise as purely actor filler. "You were looking for the boogeyman, instead focus on the regular guy just hiding in plain sight". We hear you Mel. Believe me we hear you.
Top billing, under-utilized trouper insertions aside, Boneyard's gist is as follows: a police officer and a member of the FBI try to find a psycho killer who loves to bury his skeletal remains in the realms of some remote, New Mexico desert. By the way, I got that description from Boneyard's vehicle wiki page. Otherwise I wouldn't fully be able to discern what the heck I was watching on the almighty Prime. Scrap "yard".
A Family Affair (2024)
VIEWS ON FILM review of A Family Affair
2024's A Family Affair makes a little sense as a title. I mean if the word "family" is wholly defined as "like family" then yeah, why not.
Anyway I've seen many romcoms in my day, and they all seem dated and passe because they use tropes of stuff that came before them. With A Family Affair, you have a younger dude (Zac Efron as movie star Chris Cole) getting with an older woman (Nicole Kidman as writer Brooke Harwood). And Cole's assistant (Joey King as Zara Ford), well she just happens to be the offspring of Brooke. And oh yeah, the whole shebang is connected to the ins and outs of glib "Hollyweird". I mean if I wanted to see 2017's Home Again with Reese Witherspoon again, I'd see 2017's Home Again with Reese Witherspoon (again). Yeesh!
So yeah, A Family Affair is not so much a romantic comedy as it is a bipolar, dramatis personae study of three people who'd probably be better off avoiding each other. I mean you've got the self-absorbed star trouper (Efron, who's perfectly cast here), the easily exploited author (Kidman's Brooke), and the whiny, underling daughter (King's Zara). They all have issues and well, with Carrie Solomon's cringe-inducing script inserted their scenes are a pretty rough watch. Oh I almost forgot, seeing Kidman and Efron's characters smooch in front of the statutory, Gary Marshall-prompted backdrop was like was watching some mortified, spin-the-bottle swipe. Again yeesh!
Now for kicks-and-giggles, did I hate A Family Affair? No. I mean movies are pretty hard to make and well, hate seems like too strong of a word to label anything. But did I dislike A Family Affair? Oh you darn Tootin. When two personas are wishy-washy about regularly hooking up and the twentysomething third wheel is even more wishy-washy about letting them consummate their passing ships interconnection, well that makes for a very injudicious viewing experience. Not all in this "family".
On the Line (2022)
VIEWS ON FILM review of On the Line
2022's On the Line is directed by mostly TV guy, Romuald Boulanger. As a film about a shock jock who gets tormented by a psycho caller looking to kill his whole family, "Line" shows that Boulanger had a vision and that vision was to make an inferior version of 2021's The Guilty coupled with a better version of Oliver Stone's Talk Radio. Oh and helmer Boulanger also thought he'd throw in an ending to On the Line that was similar to David Fincher's thriller The Game. Uh, did you get all that?
Anyway "Line" takes place LA, with pretty much one set location and claustrophobic mischief to boot. Yeah it's a compact flick, starting off lean and mean with a solidly tense musical score from Clement Perin and first hour tightness that would make Antoine Fuqua sort of golf clap in the background. On the Line's star, well it's Mel Gibson as radio monger Elvis Cooney and for the most part, Mel's performance is fairly hyper and disciplined (in a good way). Gibson, well you don't see him much in theaters anymore but he's still appearing in any ready-made streaming service (take your pick). He's you know, hanging around cause the dude's got "alligator blood". Natch.
So yeah, On the Line has decent acting, clean editing, and director Boulanger with limited holdings, trying to somewhat keep you guessing (until he doesn't). Now do I plan on recommending "Line?" Uh, not quite. The film would work better if it was more straightforward, a sort of stagecraft showcase for Gibson in the whole, "mild-mannered family man goes rogue in order to protect his brood" genre. Instead, On the Line adds root out twist upon root out twist near the end, trying to readily get its M. Night on. I mean it's like the Elvis character and any sense of dramatic momentum has left the building (pun intended). Dropped "line".
Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F (2024)
VIEWS ON FILM review of Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F
Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F is about as lustrous a sequel as I've seen in many a moon. I mean the film looks like a million bucks ($150 million to be exact). 90210, well it appears like it got a makeover, shiny and gleaming with the vivid sun just beating down. So yeah, here's "Axel F's" gist: Axel Foley's daughter's life is in danger, Axel's bud Billy Rosewood has been kidnapped, and there's drug cartel/dirty cop stuff going on too. Yup, just another reason for Detroit's favorite dick to find his way back to the "Garden Spot of World". "This isn't my first time in Beverly Hills". You don't say.
So OK, where would I rank "Axel F" in the Beverly Hills Cop canon? Well, it's a heck of a lot better than Beverly Hills Cop III (yup, I've seen that abomination). Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F brings in yet a third new director for the fourth flick in the franchise, Australian Mark Molloy. Molloy, well he's sloppy staging shootout sequences but happily bleeds nostalgia like a gash wound, using songs from the first two installments while bringing back all the old characters and similar plotlines (Axel gets arrested again, Axel manipulates various situations, Axel revels in citywide damage). "Axel F", well it sometimes gives you the warm fuzz fuzzies from what went down almost 40 years ago. It's just a little more modernized, not quite as funny, and not quite as biting.
All in all, Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F is not as bad as I expected it to be (go back to second paragraph). And star Eddie Murphy, well he's more over the top than ever (actually I did expect that). The film definitely feels like a Beverly Hills Cop endeavor but its shortcomings are that it parodies the whole Beverly Hills Cop shtick rather than encircling it. Beverly Hills Cop I and II had a certain trenchancy to them, a grand style and some ripeness. "Axel F" just feels more like the lampooned, Kidz Bop version. "Cop" minus a half.
A Quiet Place: Day One (2024)
VIEWS ON FILM review of A Quiet Place: Day One
2024's A Quiet Place: Day One is lean and mean, a prequel to the original to the sequel. It's a blueprint vehicle mind you, made to be an obligatory prelude to something else, something maybe more elaborate and pulsing in the repugnant alien department. The runtime is short, there's danger readily around the corner, and with "Day One" I was getting some serious post-COVID vibes. "Shh". Oh you know it brother.
Directed by the unseasoned yet polished Michael Sarnoski and starring Lupita Nyong'o of 12 Years a Slave fame, A Quiet Place: Day One is about just what it says it is. I mean it's day one of the invasion in NYC where if you make a peep, those pesky, spider-like critters will get cha. Speaking of said critters, well they really snap to it, stampeding, howling, and climbing up city walls with total aplomb. "Day One's" CGI, yeah it's obviously evident yet very well done, as the images of bloodthirsty Death Angels look cloaked into the screen, keeping it real.
A Quiet Place: Day One, well it's hardly original, borrowing its depopulated look from World War Z and its morbidly nasty concept from The Descent (another flick about creepy crawlers who rely on faint sound to hunt humans). Oh well. Helmer Sarnoski gives "Day One" that compact, efficacious treatment anyway, doing the best he can to make you feel all "end of the world"-ish as you jump from your seat on his paltry budget of $67 mil.
Yup, there's about three scenes in "Day One" that have ample buildup and provide barbarous, monster payoffs (pun intended). I mean the actors featured (Nyong'o, Joseph Quinn, Alex Wolff) don't exactly give Laurence Olivier-like performances but whatever, it's nearly a silent film after all, with three-dimensional conceptualizations of post-apocalyptic dread that are literally on the come up. Pride of "place".
Tom Cruise: The Last Movie Star (2023)
VIEWS ON FILM review of Tom Cruise: The Last Movie Star
2023's Tom Cruise: The Last Movie Star is not so much a documentary as it is an A&E Biography special sort of lapsing into syndication. I mean I'm not saying that's a bad thing but why announce it as an actual release when it could easily qualify as boob tube filler via 6 PM on a Tuesday.
With "The Last Movie Star", you have a timeline of Cruise's permanence of a career, the highs and the mid-lows all sort of pasted together and on the fly. I mean why is he so able to easily play Ethan Hunt over the span of nearly thirty years? And why would he fire his manager who just happens to be his own sister by blood? And uh, what's up with his fascination with Scientology and his yearn to plunge into the almighty meltdown (Oprah's couch ring a bell?)?
Yeah Tommy boy is a pretty interesting guy, and Tom Cruise: The Last Movie Star is pretty juicy stuff. The production values, well they ain't much and the propped up interviews, well they're from people I've never heard of (except for critic Richard Roeper, but no captions regardless). The particulars regarding Cruise's metier journey however, are raw and honest. And the archives of him in Top Gun, Days of Thunder, and/or Risky Business mode, are evocative and longing for the past of glorious 80s/90s pop cinema.
Tom Cruise: The Last Movie Star, well it puts "the cruiser" in equal parts negative and positive lighting. And while we see him show up periodically in the flick, he's mysteriously not there in probing to defend himself via his own delineation. Oh well. At 75 breezy minutes, "The Last Movie Star" is worth at least one watch if you're a Cruise fanboy or someone who didn't know every tidbit about his meteoric rise in the meaty cesspool of "Hollyweird". Operatic "star".
The Bikeriders (2023)
VIEWS ON FILM review of The Bikeriders
2023's The Bikeriders is one of those down-and-dirty movies. I mean the musty smell of a bar, the scented drag of a ciggy, and the gasoline intake from a large chopper cloak you as you walk out of the theater. The pseudo true story of "Bikeriders", well it's about the lives of a motorcycle club called the Vandals and what went down with them from 1965 to 1973. The setting is Middle America, the inspiration akin to '53's The Wild One. "This is our family forever." Oh fo-sho.
So yeah, "Bikeriders" doesn't have much of a story arc just as Goodfellas didn't have much of a story arc (critics have been comparing the two films lately). Goodfellas, well it hits you a little harder and resonates more from an emotive, Mob standpoint. The Bikeriders, well it's paltry and bare bones, never having a true reason for being while never creating any memorable and/or likable characters. I mean sure star Austin Butler has a smoldering screen presence and sure, co-star Tom Hardy disappears into his role like vapor. But come on now, these guys just ride bikes, peel off, grunt, and act stout, never making The Bikeriders more than merely trivial stuff. De Niro and Ray Liotta they surely ain't.
Scorsese earthy crime dramas begot, "Bikeriders" is based on a book of the same name and helmed by a guy known for ditching the funny (Arkansas native Jeff Nichols). Nichols, well his direction is more style here than anything else. I mean he knows where to put the camera, his sense of time and place is rich, and his actors are loyal to him (just ask Michael Shannon). But with The Bikeriders, he mostly missteps, giving the audience member a rinse, repeat of grubby men smoking, drinking, knifing, getting into sudden bursts of graphic violence, and occasionally burning rubber on their Harleys (I stress the word occasionally). Yup, it just goes on and on with no end in sight, as the thin diegesis of "Bikeriders" runs out of propane wiggle room real fast. Free "rider" problem.