Random Thursday...

I will NOT be riding Greyhound buses in Canada anytime soon!

We need to do some serious gardening in this country because the weeds are out of control!

I was wondering why our electoral process reminded me of American Idol.

I want THIS man running the presidential debates from now on.

Is there a better place to play with remote controlled cars in the clubhouse?

Everyday should be casual Friday!

If only "We the People" could actually fix this mess!

Is calling your wife a cunt considered abuse?

Don't worry, we'd NEVER use it for nefarious purposes!

Next your gonna tell me that there were 6000 year old dinosaurs there too!

Oh shit, who let Zell Miller out of his cage?!?

Headline of the DAY!

We're still fighting a war HERE?

Leaving California--See ye in a week

Partially due to the fact that Gov. Kill 'em All wants to pay college professors less than the state's minimum wage, I took a job in Tallahassee, Florida (go Noles!)... I am leaving in the morning, and all that stands in front of me, my wife, my dog, and my cat, are 6 red states and gas I can't afford! Having lived in Mass and Cali, I am glad my vote will be more useful this year, assuming its counted and that my Obama sticker doesn't get me arrested in Texas.

Anyhow--Bradda, Kreplech, Dick, et al will do a great job holding down the fort. So I'll be back on Tuesday. Till then...

PS- WTF is up with this Manny shit?!?!?!?!?

Which One Are You?

I've been called every one except lardass. I'm sure I'll fill that gap soon.

Is This Man Related To Bush?

OK, I'm still laughing over this video I got from BoingBoing. A dude at a Fresno Casino tried to bet weed at the card table. The kicker is after he put the bag in the bet circle on the table. He then decides he's bet TOO much pot so he splits the bag up and puts a few buds out for a bet! File this under rampant stupidity.

Where's the Right-Wing Love?

This is an open call for all of the illiterate electorate's new blog friends and some old ones too! I was thinking of how angry I used to get back in'04 when I would be out and about and would see those wretched "Bush/Cheney'04" bumper stickers everywhere. It took all my might not to smash their windshields and then leave a note saying, "Nadar was Here!". So, it got me to thinking. When I ride my bike through the streets of West L.A., I have yet to see ANY McCain bumper stickers. Not one! Is the lunatic fringe not proud of their man-fossil? I see Obama swag everywhere!

So I came up with a little project. If you see any McCain stickers, take a picture of them. Note where you were and maybe what kind of car or truck(I'm betting mostly trucks!) it was on. After a week or so we can all put a post with the pics and the notes and see what the tally is. I got a feeling the number will be low but that's mainly because right-wingers tend to hide like vampires out here in La-La Land. Maybe this can be part of the Shit From Shinola campaign?

So the challenge is there I.E.! Please visit our friends(listed in no particular order) to see how it pans out: Just Ain't Right, Journey's With Jood, My Saturday Evening Post, Watergate Summer, PoliTits, DistributorCapNY, franiam, lennui-melodieux, Liberality, Pulp Friction, The Unconventional Conventionist, Zaius Nation, Okjimm's Eggroll Emporium, Monkey Muck, Impeachment and Other Dreams, Jonestown, Earthbound Misfit, Dusty' Right to be Left of Center, The Dean's Office, Omnipotent Poobah.

Oh, who am I kidding, GO visit these blogs because they'll give you six-pack abs and a better sense of humor. You might just learn something too! Also if you drop them a comment, you just might here back from them(Gasp!).

John McCain's Fairy Tale Economic Plan

John McCain now says he will never raise taxes, even if we need to do so. Therefore, his plan is, in essence, to keep taxes on the wealthy low, keep troops in Iraq, increase troop levels in Afghanistan, all the while balancing the budget in four years.

This will all be very difficult since, should he win, he will inherit a $482,000,000,000.00 budget deficit.

Thus I ask...how? How is any of this possible? He is going to respond that he will get rid of pork, which would be impossible, for any piece of legislation that helps one area of the country can be referred to as pork. Furthermore, how is he possibly going to reform the entire legislative process?

I wonder--is this man delusional, a liar, or a pandering fool?

While it sucks paying them, taxes are necessary. For starters, they pay McCain's salary (though pointing this out may hurt my overall argument), they pay for the wars he loves, and they kind of, you know, keep the country running. When you don't have them, country must borrow cash which it will in turn owe to other countries, which has to be paid at I higher rate, which tends to ruin a country.

This guy is such a has been and if he is elected, we will get four more years of the government we deserve.

Scary Picture of The Day...

From C&L comes this button. Don't worry, it was supposed to be Idaho Senate Democratic candidate Larry LaRocco but someone over at Tigereye Design got the wrong picture. What do you think would be a good campaign slogan for this ticket?

"No Barack, it's tap toe three times for change. Two toe taps gets you something completely different!"

Ted Stevens Is Going To HangOut With Blade...

"I'm going to jail, wait...aren't you coming too?"

So Ted "the internets are a series of tubes" Stevens was indicted today on seven charges of failing to disclose payments from VECO Corp. and using the money to build a bridge to nowhe...no that was a real bill he proposed, he used the money to build a fat bachelor pad. Who doesn't want a bad ass Viking gas grill? Hopefully the judge will throw the book at him just like they did when they sent Wesley Snipes away for 3 years. He's probably wondering if they still use the iron maiden or if they'll just burn him. I'm just saying he's old!

WTF Late Night Video...

When it comes to riding a bike in a major metropolitan city one would think the police would be way down the list of worries. Well, think again. I would like to thank PoliTits for guiding me to Earthbound Misfit's blog where I saw this:



I have been riding a bike as my primary form of transportation for over 4 years while living in Boston and now Los Angeles and I have never seen anything like that. I've been hit(broke a collar bone), had beers thrown at me, and had countless city buses nearly run me down but a policeman slamming me off my bike? I understand that critical mass is technically illegal due to bikes taking over major streets while they ride through but it doesn't give the cops the right to just smash people off their bikes! Sickening...

Update: The cop who railed the guy off the bike was a rookie with only 3 weeks on the job. Since the video was released he has been stripped of his badge and put on desk duty until a full review of the incident can take place. In his report he said he told the rider to stop and that he used his bike as a weapon against the officer. 3rd Degree Assault! Wow.

New MoveOn Obama Ad:

In case you didn't see this, I thought I would pass it along:

Do ye think this will be effective?

Church Goers Shot for Being Liberal

It turns out that the lunatic that ran into a church in Tennessee yesterday targeted the congregants because of the congregation's liberal views. According to the AP:

An unemployed man accused of opening fire with a shotgun and killing two people at a Unitarian Universalist church apparently targeted the congregation out of hatred for its support of liberal social policies, police said Monday.

Knoxville Police Chief Sterling Owen IV said a signed, four-page letter written by Jim D. Adkisson, 58, was found in his small SUV in the church parking lot after gunfire interrupted a children's performance based on the musical "Annie" Sunday morning. Seven people also were injured in the melee.

"It appears that what brought him to this horrible event was his lack of being able to obtain a job, his frustration over that and his stated hatred of the liberal movement," Owen said at a news conference. (for more click here)

Its amazing that the conservative policies he killed to protect are largely to blame for the economy that has left him unemployed. Whats most frightening is that I am sure he is not alone, and that this will not be the last time this happens.

It Is What It Is...

I just read a dual interview that NewsWeek did with both the candidates and McCain continues to raise the bar on presidential candidate stupidity. I mean, in all honesty, is this guy the WORST candidate our country has ever seen? How the fuck does he still have nearly half the country thinking he'd be just dandy as our next President? Instead of wanting to have a beer with the guy, I want to take him to the pound to be put down. I find myself feeling sorry for the old bastard but of course I snap out of it. Here's a few gems from the McCain interview:

NW: You've advocated for lifting a ban on offshore drilling. Why is drilling there preferable to drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge?
JM: Because the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge is the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. I believe that offshore drilling is clearly called for. I think we need to do it, and we have to do it.

Huh? Answering because it is what it is, well it's just silly. Saying we need to do things without giving any rational reasoning is just plain GWB territory. "We do it because we think it should be done." Brilliant.

NW: On torture, why should the CIA be treated differently from the armed services regarding the use of harsh interrogation tactics?
JM: Because they play a special role in the United States of America and our ability to combat terrorists. But we have made it very clear that there is nothing they can do that would violate the Geneva Conventions, the Detainee Treatment Act, which prohibits torture. We could never torture anyone, but some people misconstrue that who don't understand what the Detainee Treatment Act and the Geneva Conventions are all about.

The CIA is "special"? Do they have magical powers Johnny? This whole answer is a lie and he knows it because GWB attached a signing statement to the DTA that makes it a moot point when it comes to torture. For McCain to claim that "we could never torture" is ludicrous and anyone who hasn't been living in a cave knows that we have tortured detainees. For those who have been living in a cave(OBL), don't worry, our government has no intention of finding you.

NW: How do you plan to win the votes of women? What policies can you point to that will help you win their support?
JM: Job creation is one of their No. 1 issues, and education and equal opportunity. I have not only a very clear record, but I have a very clear vision to restore our economy, to create jobs and particularly small businesses and to protect America for their sons and husbands and friends and cousins and [family] members, men and women, who are serving in the military.

After spending the night in a steamy tepee and eating peyote, McCain has emerged with a VISION people! A clear vision that will save us all...weeeee. How about breaking down this vision for us in real life solutions? Nah, that sounds hard. For the record he did state that his spirit guide is a three-toed sloth. Nice!

NW: Are you worried being pro-life will drive them away?
JM: The majority of women in America, in my view, respect the rights of the unborn.

Last time I check gramps, only 24% of American women believe that abortion should not be permitted. Not really a majority pops. Does this fossil really have a legitimate chance of being our next leader? I shudder at the thought.

An email I just got:

IRAQ VETERANS AGAINST THE WAR PRESENT THE TRUTH ABOUT WHAT
RECRUITERS PROMISE

• “I can promise you won’t go to Iraq or Afghanistan because of your assigned Military Occupational Specialty/Duty Station/branch of service/reserve or guard status/because I say so.”
Recruiters can promise this, but their word means nothing to the people who will actually decide
what the military does with you. Personnel from the Navy and Air Force are being pulled as
“Individual Mobilization Augmentees” to run convoys in Iraq after a two-week crash course. The
Marine Corps has even sent band members to Iraq for combat missions.

• “You can choose active duty or reserves and an enlistment period of two years, four years, or more, depending on the commitment you want to make.”
Every contract is for a period of eight years including time in the inactive reserves. The contract you sign is unilateral, meaning it only binds you, not the military. You can choose what that contract says, but it does not stop the military from putting you on stop-loss or involuntarily extending you. At least 120,000 military personnel have been affected by these policies since 9/11.

• “If you’re enlisted in the Delayed Entry Program (DEP) you can’t get out of serving.”
Recruiters will tell you that you will go to jail if you don’t go, but that’s just another lie. For more
information, go to www.girights.org or call 1.800.394.9544.

• “If you don’t like it, you can get out at any time with a ‘failure to adapt’ discharge.”
There are a variety of unpleasant ways to get out of the military, but “not liking it” is not one of
them. If you refuse to train, the drill sergeants will use any means available to keep you in. If the
command finally decides that discharge is the only option, the process may take months to complete.

• “You will get plenty of money to get a college degree when you get out of the military, as well as
numerous chances to get ahead on your education while still on active duty.”
On average, the Montgomery GI Bill will only cover 1/2 the cost of a public college and 1/5 the cost of a private college. In order to get that money for college after you get off active duty, you have to contribute money to the fund from the day they start paying you. So many servicemen are disqualified from getting that money that the military makes money from the program.

• 28% of women report being raped while in the service. Many rapes go unreported.

• 5.6% of people who enter the GI Montgomery Bill use all the money available to them.

• 75% of Blacks and 67% of Latinos report experiencing racial prejudice in the service.

• Veterans aged 20 to 24 are unemployed at almost twice the rate of their peers who didn’t enlist.

• US war veterans are twice as likely to kill themselves as ordinary civilians.

• Only 12% males and 6% of females vets surveyed made any use of skill learned in the military.

• Vets are 3-5 times more likely to be homeless than non-veteran peers.
“Before you become a weapon of your democracy, ready to fight and kill and die in the
name of the United States of America, you need to have the utmost faith in that democracy.”
– Adam Kokesh, Iraq Veterans Against the War, USMC, Fallujah, Feb-Sep 2004

www.notyoursoldier.org www.warresisters.org www.afsc.org/youthmil

www.beforeyouenlist.org/

IVAW􀀁 PO Box 8296􀀁Philadelphia, PA 19101
Tel: 215.241.7123􀀁Fax: 215.241.7177

Sunday Night Video and Question:

The new Gallup daily poll shows Sen. Obama up by 9 points over Sen. McCain. The moe is only +/-2% and thus this seems like a highly reliable poll. Never put much stock in a poll with a moe of more than 3.5% percent. Even if this poll's error is on the high side, and Obama "only" leads by 7%. Even worse for McCain, polls show that Obama could lose Pennsylvania, Florida and Ohio and still win the Electoral College. Thus I wanted to ask our readers, what does McCain, barring a horrific act of political violence or an Obama fuck up, have to do or have to have happen to gain the lead?

While your thinking that over, please watch this demonstration:

The Predictions of Supersymmetric Particle Models: Sentiments on Dark Matter in the 21st Century and the 2008 NFL Season ~ Part III

At some point, even the most loyal of NFL fans has been so incredulously awestruck at how poorly a play is run that without thought they utter the same exact six word phrase. Most commonly it can be heard in sportsbars and living rooms when an offensive coordinator tries to run a razzle-dazzle trick play that drastically backfires (ask any Saints fan about the double reverse that ended in a turnover and cost them a game last year). It can also be heard when fans are so irate at how poorly a play is executed that they actually feel betrayed that they are subject to view it (ask any Jets fan about.. just ask any Jets fan).

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING?

It's an important question. There are a lot of people who are quite upset about these dark matter experiments and are working to get them shut down.
Now I know some might get jittery when CRAL professor Pierre Salati starts throwing around words like "atomique reculer" when thinking about what ultimately surrounds these tiny galaxies they are creating. One man's galactical ant-farm is another's doomsday prophecy, I suppose. It's understandable that one might worry about how miscalculations on what we admittedly know very little about might have cataclysmic ramifications, namely the creation of a black hole which sucks up the entire planet and ends all life as we know it.


But, c'mon... is that really feasible? I mean, is it? What are the odds of that happening? Would it be like the Atlanta Falcons winning the Super Bowl, because I'm good with that.



AFC Sud
Jacquesonville Jaguars 13-3 It doesn't take the keen perception of Inspector Clouseau to see that this is the year the division anoints a new champignon. This team struck paydirt last year by adding new offensive coordinator Dirk Koetter and WRs coach Todd Monken (who I believe will be able to"fix" Troy Williamson). Reggie Nelson and Justin Durant are expected to have big years as this team will attack from all sides under new defensive coordinator Gregg Williams. DT John Henderson is looking to erase last year's sub-par performance and will get help from rookie DEs Quentin Groves and Derrick Harvey taken #8 overall. RBs Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew are showing no signs of slowing.

Indianapoulez Chevaux 12-4 This squad comes into '08 like they just left the Combat of the Thirty. Peyton Manning is coming off knee surgery as is WR Marvin Harrison who missed 11 games last year. DE Dwight Freeney tries to return from the dreaded Lisfranc injury. SS Bob Sanders is one of the most dominant players in the game today, but he still has never played a full season. Tony Dungy is not doing much to avoid looking like a canard boiteaux in his final season. They lost some key players in free agency and really only added RB Dominic Rhodes. Only two of their DBs (Sanders is one) has been in the league longer than 3 years. This is still an elite team, just not a terribly deep one. It's time for WR Anthony Gonzalez and FS Antoine Bethea to assume larger roles for this club.

Heuseton Cézannes 8-8 Last year’s 8-8 record is deceiving in that their final win was in Week 17 against a team that benched several starters. The lifeblood of the offense is Andre Johnson who will be coming back from a knee injury . When at 100%, he's like the Concorde. Kubiak brought in Alex Gibbs to try to recreate the zone blocking scheme that made Denver so successful. I'm not sold on the personnel getting it done. Amobi Okoye and SuperMario should be very disruptive lined up next to each other this year and DeMeco Ryans is more ferocious than the Beast of Gévaudan. Owen Daniels and Kevin Walter are underrated targets for QB Matt Schaub who needs to stay healthy and prove he's the guy to command this bateau.

Tenneussé Titans 7-9 My Vieux Boulogne pick for 2008. I do not see how (finally) getting Vince Young someone to get his footwoork down is going to help with the receivers he has. Every divisional opponent has a LB that can run with TE Alge Crumpler, the best of very few free agency additions. Rookie RB Chris Johnson is a homerun threat who will steal carries from LenDale White. DT Albert Haynesworth is playing this season to get out of town as the top free agency target for 2009. This defense is what's been winning games, but retread offensive coordinator, Mike Heimerdinger doesn't have the pieces he needs to run a high powered offense (not that's he's proven he'd know what to do with it). This one is going to resemble a LeCar, sure it's efficient on gas, but it'll get creamed once it runs into something bigger than it.

Yeshiva Student Steals Obama's Prayer

As per tradition, visitors to Jerusalem's Western Wall place notes to G-d inside the many cracks in the wall. Hell, you can even email it to someone in the Old City and they will do it for you. That's why the video below is so upsetting:

When is Sexism Funny?

I am having a hard time watching TV lately due to this fixation I have with figuring out commercials and their message. My better half and I have been noticing lately how many ads are sexist and not in a covert way. They almost relish in mocking women for being controlling, nagging beasts of burden. Dr. Zauis posted about a certain Free Credit Report commercial and it got the ball rolling.

Here are just a few of the examples of mainstream commercials that have been driving me crazy:

Snickers: So you came home really late after an all-night party doing God knows what and your wife wakes up. What do you do? Take a bite from a Snickers bar and lie your ass off that's what! Don't get me started on the blogging one. Holy shit is that a creepy commercial. "Wanna go to my place?" Ummm, no and especially not to blog!

Coors Light: What do you do when you want to go to your friend's house to have a few(10) cold ones? Hatch an elaborate plan to trick your girl into thinking something really bad has happened to your friend and your special lady friend will have to understand. Bonus points if you call her midway through your binge drinking fest to mock said woman, "I think we need to vent some more....hahahaha". By the way, do we need fucking bottles that turn blue to let us know the bottle is cold? Are we this retarded?

AT&T: These rollover minutes commercials seem innocent enough until you watch the body language. It's basically just a Mom nagging the shit out of her family for not using rollover minutes and finally the Dad just huffs and rolls his eyes and all the "men" of the family have a bonding moment, "Mom is such a bitch huh? Choose AT&T"

I'm sure there are many, many more instances and I encourage our dear readers to include examples in the thread below. These are just a few that run nonstop in my area. Oh and on a completely unrelated note, I encourage all to check out "Super High Me". Doug Benson is a stand-up comedian who had a joke about Spurlock's movie and how he'd smoke pot for 30 days straight and a filmmaker in the crowd one night took him up on the offer. Whether you dabble in the sticky or not, this was a pretty funny and moving film. The idea that a state can vote to allow a plant to be available for patients who need it and the federal government saying fuck that and shutting the clinics down is just outrageous. It's wild to watch a state policeman who has sworn to uphold the state's laws sit by and watch DEA agents close a LEGAL marijuana clinic in his state. Are state's rights even real?

Bombs in India

Two summers ago I had the good fortune of visiting India. This is something that everyone should do at least twice in their lifetime, and I hope to make another visit if ever the dollar rebounds and foreign travel becomes feasible for the middle class again.

India comes at you with a lot at once. I found it to be impossible to process everything as it was happening. I had to focus on something and try my best to not be distracted, which was a goal I came far short of meeting.

I mention this because one thing I noticed was that political acts of violence occur far more regularly in India than we hear about in the West. I truly believe that India, the worlds largest democracy, being more populated than all of North, Central and South America combined by over 100,000,000 people might be, in the years to come, the most important ally the United States has in the world. They are neighbors with China, they seem to like us, when something goes wrong with my computer or credit card they always try to help me out, and they are probably the most likely spot where democratic and radical-Islamic principles will clash in a major way. I was digging around many news sources this morning and I did not come across this story that almost 30 people died in an attack this morning involving eight bombs. Something similar occurred yesterday as well.

I was in India on 7/11/06 when trains began exploding in Bombay. I recall heightened security, but also a sense of normalcy. The country kept moving forward and did not find in necessary to destroy Iraq in retaliation. It was then that I realized that this sort of thing occurs far more frequently than I read or hear about.

Its strange, if a similar attack occurred in Tel Aviv (which is by far one of my favorite cities in the world) the story would be all over the airwaves, which is strange, because India has rural communities that are more populated then the entire State of Israel. I should note that I am not suggesting that these situations are not important or tragic when they occur in Israel, or anywhere else for that matter. But if the ideals and institutions of democratic government are going to survive for another hundred years on this planet, we are going to need India. And if we need India we must love India, and I love you India. I love you very much...

The Right is Desperate...

...and understandably so. After all, they did just nominate an absentminded sell out to be their party's nominee. Add to that that they (and the ill-bred citizenry that empowered them) have deal with the fact that their antics are responsible for the toilet bowl overflowing and nearly drowning the USA in crap and you have a very challenging political environment.

So it is no surprise that the right wing-nut talk radio circuit (who correctly identify McCain as a political opportunist that has no problem trading his core for power) went crazy that Obama did not visit wounded troops during his visit to Germany. Unfortunately for them, you can only hide from the facts for so long, and the facts are that partisan politics are prohibited from the hospital, per Pentagon policy. Thus, Obama did, and in many ways could not visit the wounded troops.

I guess having to run a campaign while someone as overtly incompetent as George W. Bush is wearing your colors behind the wheel is difficult enough. Hell, they can't even scare most of us anymore, because what we are already seeing is so perceptibly frightening. So, to my friends on the Right, I offer you the sentiments of the following video as a thank you for creating such a foul national environment that we might actually come together and elect a competent and decent person in the White House to come in and mop up your mess:

• MTV
• Music Videos
• MTV Shows
• Entertainment News

His Holiness and the Dud: 7 Things McCain Can Do To Win My Vote Today

Today, Sen. McCain will meet with a man that is roughly the same age as he is-- His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama. I am sure they will address the media and when they do, if McCain does the following 7 things, I will vote for him in the fall:

1) Call on all Americans to take on my approach to watching the 2008 Olympics-- only watch the games from a public place. In so doing, he must mention this blog at least twice and thank us for taking him down as the Turd of the Hour.

2) Call for the immediate release of the Panchen Lama.

3) Call on China to withdraw from Tibet within 4 days and for their thuggish government to forgive all of our debts.

4) Publicly convert to Tibetan style Buddhism-- and renounce Zen Buddhism.

5) Pick the Miami Dolphins to win the A.F.C. East, the A.F.C. Central, and the N.F.C. West.

6) Announce that he will help me move next week.

7) Announce that everything he has said and done since 2000 has been a horrific joke, and that even he will vote for Sen. Obama.

Horrific Live Blogging

Yesterday I did the unthinkable--I watched, and blogged, a random hour of Fox News. I have not been able to sleep since and I am starting to think that I may never enjoy a good nights rest again. But I thought it was important to report behind enemy lines. I would like to try a similar feat sometime in the future, but I was wondering if anyone out there had any requests. I was thinking of doing the Rush or Hannity show, but that might be too much--I am too young to make a widow of my wife. Then I thought about listening to a McCain campaign conference call on XM's POTUS 130, but that may be the only thing that cures my otherwise incurable insomnia.

So the floor is yours. Please use this as a thread and let me know of anything you would like to learn more about but not want to experience yourself.

Foreign Policy Expert McCain Forgets Afghanistan War Exists

I know this has been mentioned but I wanted to post this McCain clip here...When is it finally going to be accepted that this guy is a forgetfull boob that is years past his prime?

If the Founders could put a cap on someone's age to be president on the youthfull end of the continuim, why can't we use the amendement process to do the same thing with the elderly? Why is agisim a one way street? Why is ok to discriminate against someone that is 34 but not 72???

Presidential Campaign With DivaJood...

It has been awhile since I have posted and I apologize to the 3 people who read this blog(Hi Mom!). However, I have been summoned to join a presidential campaign and I have gladly accepted.

DivaJood has asked me to be Secretary of the Fence for her campaign. A one Randal Graves is going to be running said campaign and I am sure he will do one hell of a job. He has created a platform that I think works on so many levels it has to be read. Thank God we get metal for campaign music instead of Tom Petty's "I Won't Back Down" over and over(cringe).

This is going to be a tough fight to say the least as we are going up against Dr. Zauis and GG, two heavy hitters in the community of blogs. We'll have to come up with someway to make "Happy Underpants" seem unpatriotic or something. I have hired CBS News to cover the campaign and if DivaJood makes any mistakes they will promptly edit them out and show a picture of a butterfly instead. More to come from what will surely be one hell of a ride...

Die Deutschen schreien "Ja, wir können!"

The L.A. Times is reporting that 200, 000 folks showed up in Berlin for the Obama experience. It was a great speech, and if he pulls this thing out in November, it should go down as an historic one. I don't want to summarize it, for any snippier or summary would cheapen the experience. So please check out the video and/or transcripts by clicking the appropriate link.

A few observations outside the words of the actual address stand out for me, and I think they should be noted:

For starters, is there anywhere in the world that John McCain could draw that kind of crowd? The enthusiasm gap between the two is colossal. According to the latest NBC/WSJ Poll, 44 percent of Obama voters say they are excited about their candidate, but only 14 percent feel that way about McCain. Another 33% of Obama's supporters are satisfied with him as a choice, while the overwhelming majority of McCain's supporters are against Obama and not for McCain. I predict this gap will widen when people hear the words and see the images of this speech. This is what the world wants, and well, we the other 95% of our species one after these last 8 years.

Obama is the anti-Bush. He is articulate, brilliant, dynamic, charismatic, seemingly competent, and inspiring. I am flabbergasted that an American leader could enthuse a crowd half the size of the original Woodstock Festival to wave thousands American flags in the heart of a major Western European capital while George W. Bush was still in office. But that's Obama's magic-- he is the pendulum swinging the other way.

I wonder how many of those 200,000 people even understood what he was saying, and I wonder how many of those that didn't really cared. The global order, for anguish or glory, is currently being led by the U.S. in the three primary metrics that matter-- cash, might, and cultural influence. Yet we are weaker in all three of these areas and I think many in the world understand that we are all worse for it. How else can you explain so many chanting "Yes we can!" in Berlin for a man that might not ever be President of the United States of America.

Lastly, I couldn't help but think of the absurdity of wanting to build a wall on the border with Mexico while watching all those hopeful people in Berlin.

Did Obama Try Placing Jerusalem on Ebay???

At 5:20 am local time, Sen. Obama visited the holiest site for the Jewish people, the Western Wall in Jerusalem. For those of you that have never been, this is one of the most intense and spectacular places one can visit, even for someone like me, who is a devout religious skeptic. On the other side of the wall rests the Al Aqsa Mosque, which is regarded by most as the third holiest site in Islam. The close geographic proximity of most things in Jerusalem plays a large role in the protracted and exhaustive nature of the Israeli-Arab condition.

While Obama was in prayer at the wall this morning someone screamed at him that Jerusalem is not for sale, and he was right, for I went on Ebay and could not find the city up for auction. Surely Obama, as tech savvy as he is, would have put the city up for sale on Ebay if he had the ability and/or requisite deed to do so.

As a Jew I can say that there is much irrationality and paranoia in "my" people's community. Historically speaking, much of this paranoia is well founded. However, when it comes to Obama, the small minority within our small minority that holds these views as reached, and exceeded, the point of bigotry, obsession, and foolishness.

Then again, like the saying goes, if you put two Jews in a room--you get three opinions.

I know who might have written this....

An Hour in Hell: My Sixty Minutes Watching Fox News (Warts and All)

(Stuart Varney- Fox News: Turd 4 Life)

* Warning: I am a trained Professional-- do not try this at home *

So I know some of you reactionary robots will use your open minds and tolerance to lambaste me about trying to watch one hour of Fox News. If you are one of such people, please go somewhere else where you can be around other forbearing folk that pride themselves on their diversity, imagination and ability to all think and speak the same way.

I am doing this to better understand that horrible noise hole that we in San Diego call channel 37.
I am doing this "live" so there will be no time for spell check or rewrites. I apologize in advance.

Its almost One...I'm taking a deep breath....here it goes:

1PM: 7/23/08: Oh Shit! Its Your World with Neil Cavuto! Some British guy named Stuart is filling in, so I think I dodged a bullet. I think if Neil was on I would have had to turn the TV off already. Some unknown female journalist is reporting from South Texas regarding Hurricane Dolly. Apparently the storm is packing 95MPH wind and she has no idea how to cover it. She keeps mentioning that it is wet and windy and is showing a picture of a palm tree blowing. Murdock could have just had her on a phone and taken a palm tree and a blow dryer in the studio and had the same coverage. Stuart asked if there has been any damage and if it feels windy. I know they don't hurricanes in Britian, but this guy should not ask questions like "how wet is it?" The little red "ALERT: title is predicting the RIO GRANDE levies could break. I think Stuart could turn into a wind turbine..I mean, he could.

Some Luke Skywalker with a hangover looking dude is now playing meteorologist and saying that the storm is indeed still there. He has his sleeves rolled up, so he might mean business. I am going to keep an eye on this one.

TO ISRAEL and Major Garrett-- For starters, wouldn't it be great if he joined the Army and became a Major? Or wouldn't it be great if he left Fox News and became a reporter? The byline is "DEVELOPING- Obama: Nuclear Iran Would Pose a "Grave Threat" , however, the Major is simply reporting on the fact that this is the "one year anniversary" of the Youtube debate where Obama said he would talk to Iran. He is wondering if Obama, who laid a reef at the Holocaust memorial, is thinking about Iran and how they want to bring a new holocaust onto the Jewish people. (By the way, I am not making any of this shit up. When I sat down to to this, I thought I would make a bunch of crap up, but they are doing it for me). They are showing Obama with his skull cap an hands crossed looking serious. Apparently the Israelis think Obama's approach is going to show posturing and weakness on the part of the Americans if he wins. I can't tell if he is being serious or if this is really a parody of some kind that I don't know about. McCain camp is saying that Obama is naive. I am now terrified Obama might win.....OK, I just poured some cold water on my head, I'm back...

Now Stuart is introducing a clip of Katie Curic and CBS talking about "how off Obama is" on his opinions about the surge. He is knocking her around saying the troops should have gone to Afghanistan. Now they are bringing on Lanny Davis ( a Clinton supporter), who spent the entire spring bashing Obama for his opinion, which seems to be that Obama is a dangerous nut that is going to get us all killed within three hours of being sworn in. The DEVELOPING byline is "Was Obama Being Wrong on the Surge Hurting Him?" I am really scared now. I just dumped my head in the toilet to try and break this horrible spell. It didn't work, but I did find my shades, so not all is lost. Oh shit, as Lanny is spreading his version of an opinion they are showing a giant hurricane about that is about to eat Texas. Stuart just asked Lanny how any American Jew could possibly support Obama. Lanny looks like he is no stranger to tefillin or Obama hating. He said that Obama and McCain is about the same and that Obama will probably do the same as Kerry and Gore did. Wow, that is the first thing that made sense. Good, a commercial for Scottrade and word that Ron Paul is coming up.

I can't believe that this really exists. I am not even sure what this ad is trying to sell. I am lost....where the fuck am I? Why did I decide to do this? Umm...the same Scottrade commercial is on again.

Shit, Stuart is back. I was hoping he would get lost and they would have no host. Ron Paul is on discussing his vote against the housing bill. He is arguing that we are making bad mistakes bailing out banks and homeowners. If we all die that is what the market place dictates so it is ok. If we are all homeless then that is what the marketplace dictates and so be it. He is saying we have to save the dollar and always allow individuals make choices about their lives, unless they are women that want to have abortions, and then the government should step in.

Now we are onto a teaser for "ILLEGAL OUTRAGE" and a terrifying ad for Shep Smith's show. That was a 2 min segment. I wish they were all this quick and easy.

I wanted to keep this organized by writing the time of each post but time does not exist in the Fox Universe. I am sweating, which apparently could be a symptom of serious heart disease according to an ad they just played for a pill. In addition to blogging about this, I am now on hold with my doctors office.

Damn it, hes back. Apparently some "illegal aliens" killed a guy in San Francisco. This woman is crying and talking about how San Francisco is a sanctuary city. There are two stiffs in suits on talking about San Francisco becoming the new capital of Mexico by 2012, and how Obama is going to leave the U.S. and become there president of Mexico. Stuart is yelling at someone trying to defend San Francisco's policy. The phrase "hearts and prayers" keeps being thrown around. He just said it again. This guy is saying the thousands of Americans are being killed by "illegals" who are needlessly slaughtering American citizens. We are seriously fucked folks. I live in San Diego and there is an entire country of them down there just waiting to kill us. I now know it. I made a doctors appointment for tomorrow morning. I keep hearing blood on their hands and slaughtering Americans and open borders policies. I have been to Mexico dozens of times and can't believe I made it out of there alive. I did not realize everyone there was trying to kill me.

FUCK! It's about to get worse. Apparently Bill Kristol from the Weekly Standard is about to come on. I really hope he means Billy Crystal. I could really use any rendition of "You Look Marvelous" right now. This is terrible. I can't believe I did this. I live near the beach and choose to do this?

The best thing about Fox News, from what I can tell, is that they have lots and lots of commercials. Ads are so much more realistic than the "news" that comes out of this putrid station. There is a pet groomer ad. I like dogs, and I love things you can buy on TV for 19.99. I am calling 1-800-973-6056 to order the Pedi Paws pet grooming kit. It looks awesome! I didn't even know my dog shed until I saw this ad. I'm glad I saw this, for I had no idea it was going on.

And...ANOTHER SCOTTRADE AD! Or should I say, the same one again.

They are back to Hurricane Dolly and apparently it is, as Stuart says "rough conditions" out there. I never thought a hurricane could produce such weather. He just said that the rain is a big deal. Apparently other gulf cities dodged Dolly but may not be so lucky next time. (I remind you, I am not making this up). So Stuart then asks "Why are Democrats tapping emergency oil supplies?" He then has on a Rep. Maurice Hinchey (D-NY) and asks him right off the bat "it seems like you Democrats will do anything except for drilling." Stuart wants to drill everywhere all the time and apparently wants to kill this guy with his smirk. It may be killing me right now. He keeps asking questions and is not letting the congressman speak. He is also disregarding the congressman's replies, who keeps pointing out that the oil corps are sitting on land where they can drill and not doing so. Stuart seems to have some kind of magical logic repellent on, because he keeps yelling "BUT WHY DO YOU HATE DRILLING SO MUCH?" Now might be a good time for me to mention how much I miss my dear friend Neil Cavuto. He is now screaming "why not tell the oil companies drill anywhere you like." The congressman is throwing out great facts and keeps telling Stuart he is not listening to him, which of course is true. I really wish I a meter on my skull that could measure the reduction of my IQ in real time. I don't know if I am going to make it as he now has Rep. John Boehner (R-OH) and his orange lotion tan on to discuss how wrong the Democrats are. Stuart keeps refereeing to his previous guest as the "Democrats" that were just on. He seems to agree with everything Boehner is saying. They both want to drill at all places at all times, irregardless of whether or not there is oil to be found. They are now making a date to rub fake sun lotion on each other and any underage Mexican boy they can find in a San Francisco bath house when Neil gets back next week. Maybe they will get married why they are out there. I think Stuart is trying to toss his salad through the telescreen.

ANOTHER BREAK- ANOTHER SCOTTRADE COMMERCIAL!

Back to the storm. He keeps pressing that the levies are about to break, even though the expert that is on is saying that this is not going to happen and that he wishes Stuart would stop saying that. But Stuart is saying, "so you are saying this won't happen? What are you going to tell the Fox News audience when it does?" And that's it, another commercial break, which so far has produced not a single Scottra......nope, here it is....another Scottrade ad. Unreal. I think I am going to check that site out when I am through with this. I really feel like making a few transactions right now!

And we are back for what I pray is the last segment---I can't take this anymore!

Apparently LA govoner Jindal says he won't be the VP nomination for McCain. This is terrible news. Not because I like Jindal, because I heard an alleged report that he might have eaten a live chickens head out of Ozzy's mouth--I kind of like him for that-- but because this served as the transition for Bill Kristol. With all the other terrible things going on this hour I forgot about the bastard. He is wearing a dark suit, red tie and a bright pretty smile. This is his "Gi" and he is most dangerous in such garbs. I won't be able to take it.

He is speculating that McCain is passing him over and allowed the Gov to do this so he didn't look pass over. He also said that he reported last week that he would be the nominee. He said he might pick Romney. I got a fortune cookie that said that last night. How is this news? My 2 year old nephew mentioned this to me this morning. He just called the Gov of Alaska good looking. I think he has a boner...or is that a toothpick in his pocket? He keeps coming back to Romney. Stuart wonders if he has any fire!?! He said "20 second- what is the quality of the McCain campaign?" Kristol says McCain's campaign has been mixed but is doing better than anyone could have thought and that Obama's trip is going horribly. Again, I am not making this up.


Speaking of which--ANOTHER FUCKING SCOTTRADE AD! Does Murdock own this company?

Now he is leaving us with the news that Dolly is making landfall. I know this because Stuart just said "Dolly says Hello to Landfall" and he is now saying that this storm shows us that this will be a horrific season for hurricanes. A guy from ACCU Weather is telling him that this won't be that bad of a season but Stuart does not buy it. He also says this has nothing to do with global warming or Al Gore.

OK, its over and I just put a hammer through my TV set. I learned two things:

I) Stuart does not like his guests opinions getting in the way of his facts.

II) This was a terrible idea and I will never do it again. I am sorry for even trying. I feel like I just fought Mike Tyson in his prime. I am done. Good night.

Obama Your Yamika

Did Fox News really say: Is Obama wearing a Jew cap as part of a terrorist ploy???

** UPDATE ** Shep Smith of Fox News has reportedly stated that Sen. Obama has allegedly been handing out supposed copies of the Koran in the streets of Jerusalem!

- In disgust, I am going to live blog an hour of Fox News starting at 1:20 PST today (I will record the full hour abd skip commercials.

New Vanity Fair Cover and a Few Other Stories

I think that Cindy looks more alive in this sketch than any photo I have ever seen taken of her. I think both this and the New Yorker covers portray the stupidity of the American presidential process.


- Where is McGoat when we need him?

- In honor of this cover, here is a great op-ed on McCain and his cronies being turds.

- Is Sen. Obama the "person on the planet that receives the most media attention" ? According to this story from Haaretz, the Israeli daily, that is the case.

In case you did not read about this earlier, a Palestinian in Jerusalem went on a mini rampage in very close proximity to the King David Hotel that Obama will be calling home during his visit.

Was it an accident or a terror inducing act???

Congress Trying to Crack Down on Oil Speculators

To those of you that think that the Democrats being in charge of the Congress is no different than the Republiturds, I offer this story:

The Senate voted Tuesday to move ahead with a Democratic plan to curb
speculation in oil markets that has been blamed for some of the recent run-up in
oil prices. The 94-0 vote clears a procedural hurdle for the legislation,
which would require the Commodity Futures Trading Commission, or CFTC, to set limits on trading in oil markets by investors and speculators.
Despite the big tally, however, the rival parties are bitterly divided on how to address high gasoline prices and an underlying stalemate remains in place.

The rapid increases in oil prices have coincided with big rises in trading on oil future markets and investment in oil by pension and hedge funds. Democrats say much of the recent increases in oil prices are due to speculation and investment by people who have no intention of taking possession of the commodities.

"The demand for 'paper barrels' ... has begun to swamp the price signals that are generated by the more traditional hedgers and the large producers and the consumers of petroleum products in tune to the real time dynamics of supply and demand," said Energy Committee Chairman Jeff Bingaman, D-N.M.

Republicans said the bill would have little if any effect and said Congress should instead lift a ban on offshore drilling along the Atlantic and Pacific coasts and the eastern Gulf of Mexico.

The actualization of this proposal would be huge. Much of the reason behind the rapid increase in oil is due to speculators (or investors, if you will). If the Dollar was strong, or we were not in debt and threatening to destroy Iran, investors (or speculators, if you will) might find it more advantageous to put their money somewhere (like stocks) besides resource invenstents like oil and gold, which has also seen a meteoric rise in recent years.

Now I ask, what would the Senate be debating today if the Republitards were in charge? The answer of course is drilling, and lots of it. I heard Al Gore refer to this policy as a "hair of the dog" approach, i.e., drinking your way out of a hangover, and right. A policy of domestic drilling might help, albeit 7-10 years from now, with our dependence on foreign oil. However, that does not address the fundamental problem of being hooked on oil, regardless of it nation of origin. That is the root, and that is why it is so fundamentally important for us to aim our efforts and cash into renewable energy.

The Democratic Party is far from perfect, and in some ways their horrors outweigh their virtues. Yet they are so clearly better than the other choice. One could argue that that in of itself is another fundamental problem, i.e., the duopolistic two party model. There is truth to that, but I am not sure how we could govern if we had to form temporary coalitions with more and more fragmented smaller parties. How would our legislative bodies caucus if we did away with parties all together?

I don't know, but I do think we have to work to get as many Dems in the Congress as possible, and of course, we need the White House too.

But damn, this has gotten serious, here is something silly to chew on:

This is the illiterate Electorate: An Open Note

As some of you may have noticed, there is a disgruntled memeber of the i.E. family. This blog, as I understood it, was never designed to be a straight news site, and I never had any illusions that we were going to overtake CNN, or that people would follow any us around like King Jaffe Joffer throwing rose petals at our feet because they so loved our work. This site was designed to be exactly what it is.

I often think of that kid from A Christmas Story and how he longed for his teachers praise when wrote his essay on the Red Ryder BB gun, and how he had such visions of an actualized self-concept through another's praise of his written work. His world was shattered when he go the C+, and he ended up shooting his eye out.

So what is the moral of this story?

Pictured above you will find Statler and Waldorf from the Muppet Show. We here have our own Statler and Waldorf, and he is one of this blogs founding fathers, who for reasons I will probably never understand, has decided to initiate a Jihad against me and this blog. I have reached out to this gentlemen on numerous occasions and he has continually rejected my overtures.

Some of this started, I think, when I posted a link to T. Boone Pickens and his plan to get the U.S. off of oil under our "Get off the Couch" section. Do I think that virtually everything the man has ever done before is condemnable? Yes. Do I think its cool that an old Republican oil guy is trying to get the country off of oil? Yes. Would I rather stay on oil and condemn the bastard or work to promote his plan and get off of oil?

I'll let you figure that out for yourself. I recognize that I don't have the power to get us off of oil, or to make or break this billionaire ares plan. In terms of the power structure, I am very small. But I think the Internet in general, and the Obama fundraising machine in particular, demonstrate the power of many small people united by a common purpose.

The expression "politics makes strange bed fellows" has origins, and this must be understood at all times. Furthermore, I should point out that we also have a link to Cheech and Chong singing a song about protecting whales and slaughtering seals.

So I mention this so that you, our dear reader, has a better idea of whats going on, and to please take it in stride, for this is the illiterate Electorate afterall.

Shalom

Monday Music: The Talking Heads

Crosseyed and Painless:

A few things....

- Sen. Obama is not the most liberal member of the U.S. Senate. By any metric, Russ Feingold, for starters, is far more liberal. There are others, and I will be researching this more in days to come. Those that say he is the most liberal are substituting thought with these words.

- I will finally come around and say that Michael Savage is a bastard. I always liked his stream of consciousness style of radio, even though I disagreed with most of his points. But he has gone off the deep end by stating that 99% of autistic children are brats. I will not defend him again, as I have done with other writers from this blog in the past. I don't think he should be fired, because I believe in the right to offend people, but I will never listen to his show again.

- Glenn Beck is a turd. This is not news to most of you, but I have never really watched or listened to the guy. He is filling in for Larry King and just said that Obama is the most liberal member of the entire U.S. Congress. I think that speaks for itself. If Ted Turner were dead, he would be turning in his grave.

He just said, in reference to oil drilling, that his head is going to explode. I hope he is right.

- I am in the process of booking a trip to Turkey for New Years Eve, if you've been, please drop me some suggestions and advice.

First U.S. War Crimes Trial Starts at Guantanamo: The Right Headline--The Wrong Plaintiff

When I first saw that headline I was very happy, for I thought that someone from this administration was going to be put on trail for war crimes committed at the base on Guantanamo Bay. Alas, it was not to be. Instead, Osama Bin Ladden's driver is being put on trail.

Instead of catching Osama, we instead put his driver on trial.

Another frightening tidbit of information about Guantanamo surfaced today, and that is Attorney General Mukasey asking, in essence, that Congress allow the U.S. to keep Gitmo open until then end of the War on Terror. I was actually surprised by his moderation, for I thought he was going to say we should wait until we win our War on Death.

Hillary Clinton and the News

It turns out that Sen. Obama is vetting Sen. Clinton after all, in a move that means she has not been ruled out for the VP slot. According the the NYT:

Democrats said they thought it was less likely now than it was a month ago that Mr. Obama would choose Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton of New York as his running mate, though they said she remained in consideration and that she was being vetted.

Many, myself included, would hate to see her selected. She is polarizing, patronizing, and as "insider" as it gets. Not to mention that there is, as Mitt Romney (turd) pointed out, the problem of Bill Clinton in the White House with lots of free time. In sum, this could be a classic case of one kitchen and multiple chefs (I tried to rework the cliche).

However, many, myself included here as well, think she would be a great pick. She has passionate supporters, is brilliant, and much experience. Not to mention that she would be a great president if something happened to Obama, and that should be the most important question presidential candidate asks. Too often the politics of the never ending path to the presidency lose sight of that.

One complaint that I think is valid (and that I have opined on this corner of the Internets on more than one occasion) is that she is a Machiavellian beast that would eat her own feet if it resulted in more power. This little tidbit portrays this uncomfortable tendency, and that is her having registered HRC2012.com following her concession to Sen. Obama.

Sure, she might be securing it for her Senate run in four years, but come on, does that really seem plausible? 16 months of running for President and she decides to turn her attention to a safe Senate seat that is not to be before the people of New York for four years?

That does not seem likely.

So what does this mean? Well, maybe nothing. But it does seem like another glimpse of her lust for power, and her lack of faith in the possibility of a President Obama.

The Predictions of Supersymmetric Particle Models: Sentiments on Dark Matter in the 21st Century and the 2008 NFL Season ~ Part II

(Ed Note- This was sent by Dick Tremaine from a phone booth in New Caledonia.)

Lyon, France is a pretty happening town. Loads of shit happens there. Go way back and you got the Gauls, the Franks, I'm sure Charlemagne was up in there at some point. It was a 19th Century player in the cinema market. It's a fashion hub. It spawned big chemical, pharmaceutical and biotech companies. It's on the river. The food's awesome.

It is also curiously close to the Swiss border.

CERN is headquartered in Geneve, Switzerland some 70 miles away. It's name is derived from the acronym for the French Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire (a. k. a. ~ the European Organization for Nuclear Research). They have created one of these testbeds deep beneath the ground to observe their trials in search of dark matter. This is the French/Swiss border, 100 metres underground in a tunnel at CERN.

To the science community, this is the Super Bowl of all Super Bowls. The players are much smaller, they usually lead quieter lives. But for those around the globe chasing down this elusive scientific explanation this is an unending season of excitement and expecting the unexpected . For CERN, this is an example. Some hypothesize that messing with dark matter in such ways could ultimately bring about the end of the world, but we'll get to that later. Boston University has been working with MIT and Bradeis on similar experiments. China just spent $6.7 billion (with a "B") on a state of the art atom smasher 31 km long. England, Italy, Japan, Russia; they've all got 'em. There's caverns in Canada (which will host 8 NFL games over the next 5 years), abandoned iron mines in Minnesota and a defunct Gold mine in South Dakota six times deeper than the Empire State Building is tall.

In recent years, the CRAL has been working with the IPNL (Institut de Physique Nucléaire de Lyon) on the Edelweiss projects. They have been "tweaking their lineup" of silicon and super-frozen germanium crystals based on research and analysis just like coaches who make roster adjustments which are based on analysis of practices and game tape, coachability, potential and the intangibles. Deciphering the intangibles is the key to success for physicists and coaches alike. Just as there is no perfect way to build a championship team, Juan Collar, a particle physicist at the University of Chicago and part of a team called COUPP, points out, "There's no perfect dark matter experiment or detector. All of them have their quirks and limitations."

AFC Nord
Pittsberg Fabricants d'Acier 9-7 I am expecting LaMarr Woodley and Lawrence Timmons to have solid second seasons for this already potent defense. Big Ben publicly hinted that he'd like a big WR and he gets it in rookie Limas Sweed. Inexplicably, RB Rashard Mendenhall fell into their laps in the late 1st Round. Talentwise, he could be the steal of the draft. If these two 'click' early with this offense, look out! Unfortunately, they have a schedule that is more brutal than one of Jacques Chirac's dairy farts.

Cincinnati Tigres 8-8 This defense ranked in the bottom six 4 of the last 5 seasons. I am of the opinion that Chad Johnson's very public frustration stems from this. Marvin Lewis is quickly becoming to defense what Brian Billick is to offense. TE Ben Utecht should help the offense, but they lost more than they gained with a very conservative free agency strategy. And they haven't done much better at keeping guys with checkered pasts off their roster. Maybe they can lure Zinedine Zidane out of retirement.

Cleveterre Marrons 7-9 I am taking the over in just about every game they play this season. WR Braylon Edwards made his stamp on the league by hauling in 16 TDs last season. This team boasts two of the most exciting players in the league in return man, Joshua Cribbs and TE Kellen Winslow who creates headaches for defensive coordinators (when healthy). They beefed up the DL through offseason trades, but giving up Leigh Bodden was a mistake. A crippling injury to CB Daven Holley leads me to believe any team with a halfway decent passing attack is going to be as successful as the Viet Minh were at Dien Bien Phu.

Baltimeure Corbeaux 4-12 They didn't have Jonathan Ogden most of last year and it showed. Now that he's retired, they have a three way race at QB to compliment an underachieving WR corps. Defensively, they have the potential to be one of the league's best with guys like Ed Reed, Ray Lewis and Terrell Suggs giving opposing teams fits. New head coach, John Harbaugh, has the level of competiton so high in "non-contact" OTAs that fights are breaking out. It's okay to call it a rebuilding year for a team likely be starting a rookie QB. The picture on the helmet might look intimidating (to small woodland creatures), but in reality, they will be about as threatening as a sparrow.