by: Dr. Boogie

When I think of horror icons, I think of all the big names: Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, Leatherface, the Leprechaun. What, you've never heard of the Leprechaun? Why, he's more than just your average leprechaun. All leprechauns have a pot of gold that they consider sacred, but only this Leprechaun is willing to kill for it.

His wordplay wasn't quite as good as Freddy's, and his staying power didn't quite match that of Jason, and he sure doesn't deal in gore like Leatherface, but this little fellow has more going for him than meets the eye. He finds inventive new ways to torment his victims apart from killing them in vaguely ironic ways with chainsaws while they're engaged in premarital relations.

"Try as they will, and try as they might, who steals me gold won't live through the night!"

Behold, the Leprechaun, as he counts his gold, which will from here on be known as "me gold" (a reference to Lord of the Rings character, Gollum, whose real name was "Smeagol"). Not only does he possess considerable wealth; we also see in this scene that he has the power to close doors with a wave of his hand. Both items will come into play later on in the film, but for now, it's...

A tale of redemption, and the recovery of life's most precious treasures that were once thought lost. Also, there is a lot of maniacal giggling. What's say we introduce our first protagonist.

Meet Dan O'Grady. The first two characters you meet in this film are a murderous leprechaun, and an Irish fellow who is first seen draining a bottle of booze. I think that's almost every Irish stereotype covered within the first two minutes.

Anyway, Dan has just returned to the States after attending his mother's funeral in Ireland. While he was abroad, he managed to catch himself a leprechaun (THE Leprechaun) and forced him to turn over his "pot o' gold", which Dan then smuggled back to the states in an urn that used to contain his mother's ashes. Mrs. O'Grady is beside herself with nagging skepticism at the whole affair.

While brewing some tea to sober up her husband, she starts hearing a young boy singing. It's an odd thing to hear, especially when it seems to be coming from your husband's suitcase. When she gets close, the child switches to pleading for the bag to be opened so he can breathe. She opens the latches on the suitcase and...

"Do you like the gold buckles on me shoes?"

Out jumps the Leprechaun. He wants his gold back, and he's not afraid to mention that many, many times over the next 90 minutes or so. Mrs. O'Grady is terrified. So terrified, in fact, that she stumbles backwards and falls down the basement stairs.

Ok, partial credit to the Leprechaun for that kill, but it was mostly due to her own clumsiness. That's why Dan married her: her clumsiness offset his drunkenness.

Meanwhile, Dan hears his wife calling to him, but he's curious as to why she's asking about the gold's location all of a sudden.

Dan's wife is dead, but he'll be damned if he'll give up the gold he won, fair and square. Luckily (ha, "luckily"), he knows how you deal with an unruly leprechaun:

A little something green, coupled with something a little more gun-colored. The Leprechaun seems pretty scared of the four-leaf clover, less so of the gun. Even so, the bullets eventually drive the Leprechaun into the basement, where he taunts Dan even more with his voice mimicry:

"Give him the gold, Dan. He's a nice little leprechaun."

Dan shoots the Leprechaun a few more times, and this time, the Leprechaun doesn't get back up. Dan tosses the little fellow into a large wooden crate and nails it shut, making sure to keep the clover on top of the crate. With the crate sealed, he douses it with gasoline and prepares to set his whole basement ablaze. The Leprechaun, awake once more, taunts Dan throughout the process, casually mentioning that Dan could give himself a stroke if he keeps exerting himself. And wouldn't you know it, he does.

"Burn in hell you little green bastard."

Dan, it's one thing to command someone to burn, but making good on such a promise is a leaf of a different clover. Too bad you had to stroke off before you could fry that malevolent Leprechaun.

Ten years later, there is apparently a glut of country songs that deal with the topic of four-leaf clovers. Forget the country music and arid landscape. It's time to meet our next couple characters: dopey guy in a loud shirt, and his whiny idiot daughter.

That's JD and Tory Redding (Jennifer Aniston), respectively. JD is the new owner of Dan O'Grady's crap shack, and his daughter is along for the ride. She immediately indicts herself as a bimbo with her first few lines. She complains about spending her summer away from LA, in scenic New Mexico. JD, however, is quick to remind her that they're in North Dakota, not New Mexico. I know, I often confuse the two myself.

Why, look right there. It's one of those famous North Dakotan Tarantulas. It's all just too much to bear for poor, put-upon Tory. She decides that if her dad won't reconsider, she'll just have to make reservations for herself at a hotel.

While she's on the phone, she walks right into Nathan, one of the housepainters brought in to spruce up this crummy house. He spills some paint thinner in the collision, and Tory offers to pay him for his trouble. Yes, she would rather fork over $40 cash than reduce herself to giving the apology that Nathan requests. People from LA are rich jerks, are you getting that yet? No? Okay then, we'll revisit that topic later.

Following their initial meeting, the pair exchange insipid dialogue wherein Tory does more whining and Nathan talks about girls being afraid of bugs. Well, Tory won't stand for that. Apologies, no, but when her masculinity is called into question by a stranger, she insists that she be allowed to stay at the house with her dad. LA people are spiteful, too.

Meanwhile, Ozzie (Mark Holton) and Alex, the other two guys in the "3 Guys That Paint" housepainting company, are shooting the breeze. Ozzie, the guy wearing the overalls and what is literally a painter's shirt, is spinning a yarn about some UFO that he saw. Alex, the Master to Ozzie's Blaster, has had enough of his dumb friend's blathering, and slingshots some gum into his face. Good for him.

Back in the house, Tory has prepared some juice for her and Nathan. She's warmed up to him quite quickly, you see. Unfortunately, Nathan hits her in the face with a tarp because he didn't see or hear her walking around in the basement. Would you hire someone to paint your house if they didn't notice someone standing less than ten feet away and shouting their name? JD would.

In the commotion, the juice spills into the Leprechaun's crate, rousing him from his ten-year-long nap. Nathan actually wants to take a look in the crate, but Tory would rather impugn all housepainters the world over with her careless remarks. Oh yes, painting houses for a living and driving a dented pickup truck sure is strange, Tory. Bitch.

Anyway, they're pulled away from dooming themselves when Ozzie causes a commotion. It seems Alex wasn't holding the ladder properly, and that somehow caused Ozzie to drag a paint roller across his face and shoulders. Ozzie needs to clean off his face. Good thing "3 Guys That Plumb" came by earlier to fix the pipes.

While inside, Ozzie hears the same kind of singing that lead poor Mrs. O'Grady to fall down a flight of stairs. But Ozzie's in the basement already, so there's no fear of that. He determines that the singing is coming from a dusty crate. Better dust that crate off a little.

Oh Ozzie, you stupid, wide man.

"Hey tubby, got a light for an old leprechaun's pipe?"

The Leprechaun makes his dramatic entrance, bursting out of the crate with the kind of strength you'd expect from a dwarf who's been crated for the past decade. He taunts Ozzie and giant ant-like creature that happens to be on his arm.

And after claiming to be "a shoemaker by trade", he offers to shine Ozzie's Converse sneakers, but only if he'll tell him where his gold is. When that doesn't get him a proper response, the Leprechaun threatens to bite off Ozzie's ear, AND make a boot out of it! That much at least gets a response out of Ozzie. The response is him screaming and running for the door.

In response, the Leprechaun uses his hoary powers to shoot a bolt of crackling green energy to... shut the door. Ozzie opens the door back up and runs away, leaving the Leprechaun to grouse about how his powers are weak from a distinct lack of gold.

There's still more madness to Leprechaun!
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