I learned a lot from this year's Game Developer's Conference, including how to get into an argument with your USB memory stick. But by far the biggest issue, clearly defined in this panel, has to do with where the game industry is going. Developers are scared. They don't like how the cards are falling, and neither do I. It boils down to this:

  • Next-Gen games require huge teams
  • So they cost too much to make
  • So publishers don't want to take risks

    So where will the innovation come from? Well, one solution is to find new ways to distribute games, rather than boxes on retail shelves. After all, in the retail model, if a game isn't a best seller right out of the gate, it hits the bargain bin immediately. And for little independent games? Well, there's no way to get any attention at all.

    If we could only change this distribution model, innovative, crazy new games (like my future blockbuster Towel Boy) would be able to prosper despite the harsh business climate.

    So for once, I'm using my talents for good and, in this week's column, I'm going to present Innovative new game distribution methods to help independent games get recognized!

    Innovative Distribution Method One:
    Give Me Five Dollars or Guido Will Punch You In the Nuts

    How many times has this happened to you? You spend a whopping $40 to $50 dollars, only to get a game home and discover that it sucks. In industry terms, that's called "low consumer satisfaction," also referred to as "getting boned." How likely are you to turn around and buy another game at that price point? More importantly, how likely are you to take a risk with your next $50 on an unproven title? Exactly. This model is crippling the industry's ability to innovate.

    My new distribution method is known as the "give me five dollars or Guido will punch you in the nuts" program. There's no game involved, which is, in my opinion, what makes this project so innovative. See, if you pay me, Dave 'Fargo' Kosak, five dollars, my friend Guido will not give you an earth-shaking shot to the crotch.

    The advantage of this method is that there is a 100% satisfaction guarantee. If you pay your money -- a tenth of the cost of a AAA title today -- you are guaranteed not to get punched in the nuts. At least not by Guido. You pay your money, and you get exactly what you paid for. Consumer confidence in the industry will soar. So will gaming's GNP ("Guido Nut Punches.") Naturally I promise to spend every penny -- above Guido's salary, of course -- on buying cool independent games for myself. Everyone wins. Except for the people who are unwilling to support my bold new vision -- they're going to have trouble fathering children.

    Case Study:
    How Not to Give Away Your Game

    A few years back GameSpy acquired Mplayer, and we learned a valuable lesson from that company. See, one time, they sponsored a hockey game at the local arena. You know the deal, they got their name up on the scoreboard and everything, and everyone who came in got a free diskette with the Mplayer software on it. Most of the company was at the game, and they were all excited -- 'Look at all these people! They're all gonna go home and use our software!'

    Then, one of the referees made some dumb-ass call.

    Well, you know exactly what happened next: Diskettes rained down like some sort of New Year's software drop. The ref was pelted. I mean, a floppy disk can get some mean backspin. What else were people going to throw? They sure as hell weren't going to waste perfectly good beer.

    So the lesson to take away from that is, don't distribute your software to angry people seeking missiles. From this wisdom I came up with...

    Innovative Distribution Method Two:
    Randomly Shove Games Into the Tight Jeans of Hot Girls at the Mall

    At first this idea seems as good as gold. First of all, I bet there will be no shortage of male volunteers eager to step up to the task. Secondly, we'd get innovative games out to a lot more people. Thirdly, we'd offset the male/female imbalance among players.

    But this idea seemed a little rough. After all, why limit it to hot girls? People in this country have enough body image issues. I say: give games to ALL girls. But, why slice our audience in half? Howabout we do this at the same time:

    Have girls randomly shove games into guys' pants at the mall.

    This just makes gaming exciting, in my opinion. Of course, it's a bit lacking on the revenue side, unless Guido accompanies the game distributors. What the industry really needs is ways to channel money toward experimental game development. Might I suggest:

    Innovative Financing Method One:
    Charge a Dumbass Tax for Lousy Online Gamers

    What we do is set up an enormous fund for independent game developers. Then, every month, money is dumped into that fund by charging morons who insist on acting like assmonkeys while playing games online. Wouldn't it be great if, at the end of the month, that smacktard who keeps teargassing his own team in SWAT 4 got a bill for $40 bucks? Not only would this fund creative game development, it would significantly cut down on the morons.

    I think I'm on to something, here. I really do. But ideally, creative independent games would be simultaneously financed and distributed flawlessly to eager fans. How about...

    Innovating Financing and Distribution Method Pi:
    The Buddy System

    Listen to this one: We pass a law that says that every big-budget waste-money-on-Hollywood-talent AAA game that the industry releases is legally obligated to be bundled with something low-budget and cool. Sorta like how you rope kindergarten kids together for field trips. This "Buddy System" would mean that gamers could constantly sample new game ideas, and the most popular could turn into big-name AAA sequels of their own. Like this:

    Guy: Hey, check out the game that I got with Halo III!
    His Friend: Uhm, dude that's a woman's head. Inside of a potted plant.
    Guy: That's right, you can feed her n' stuff.
    His Friend: I think I'm offended, but I'm too confused to be disturbed.
    Guy: Look! I just made her burp a harmonica.

    Do you smell that? That's the pungent soapy smell of creative freedom, friend!

    Okay, But a Serious Offer...

    All right, so maybe my Tight-Jeans-Guido-Nut-Punching-Moron-Tax-Buddy-System won't save the industry. But maybe I can contribute to gaming innovation in my own small way.

    Are you developing a cool independent games I want to see it!

    I will write a column about any novel new indy game that makes me laugh out loud.

    You know, Like Rocket Bowl. Everybody wins! Mail Me if you think you've got the goods. Finished games only, please. Bring 'em on!


    [PlanetFargo appears every Friday on GameSpy.com, as it has been for over five years. He also writes Flintlocke's Guide to Azeroth, a daily World of Warcraft comic. Mail Fargo! Then visit the PlanetFargo Archives or the really old PlanetFargo Archives for more.]