DOOM: The Board Game

Yes, it's true! GamingReport.com reported this week that a DOOM board game is in the works from Fantasy Flight, the same people who developed the Warcraft board game. Apparently the new game will include "scores of sculpted plastic miniatures" (will miniature gibs also be included?) and "specialized oversized dice" (one of which, I presume, is the size and shape of a human skull).

Now, I consider myself to be a tabletop gaming connoisseur. Longtime readers -- assuming I have any -- will remember how I created a Star Wars miniatures game and how I flawlessly predicted how the EverQuest RPG would work. This here DOOM game sounds intriguing, and by that I mean it sounds like money. I'm not sure what Fantasy Flight is imagining, but I took a stab at some rules on my own. I present:


The object of most board games is to gather friends together for a fun, friendly, social good time. And that's where I think the DOOM board game really innovates: it's intended to cause deep psychological scarring. Did you ever wake up in the middle of the night and you see your shirt hanging on a doorknob and in your disorientation you think, briefly, that it's a floating midget assassin monk come to kill you, and you to bolt upright and knock over your bedside lamp? DOOM is meant to do that to you.

For that reason, everyone must play my board game in complete darkness, but the players are each given a small flickering flashlight with drained batteries when they start to play. The gameplay would sound something like this:

Fargo [as Game Master]: You enter a dark room filled with broken computer terminals.
Player: We were just in this room!
Fargo: No, that was a different dark room. It had broken computer terminals in it.

Then the Game Master would roll on the encounter table to see what happens next. All you need to do is roll a ten-sided die. It's easy!


Fargo: Oh no! [Roll] A chainsaw zombie [roll] drops from a ceiling vent [roll] and lunges for [roll] your liver!

Players will naturally want to retaliate, as each one is given only one liver at the start of the game. First you need to determine how far away the monster is, and what weapon the player is using. Will the player survive the encounter? Use this handy chart:


Player: I attack it with my shotgun! [Player rolls the dice.] Oh crap.
Fargo: [Takes away his flashlight.]

Assuming that the player fails to kill the monster, roll a six-sided die to determine the outcome of the encounter:


The last player to die each game is the winner, and has to be the Game Master for the next game. The first player to die has to buy everyone else a round of drinks.

For this reason, the game gets progressively more fun as the evening goes on. •