Fargo: Hello again loyal readers! This week I'd like to talk about Animal Crossing, the new bestiality game for the GameCube. In it, you play a big-headed human living in a town full of big-headed animals, sorta like living in the Furby aisle of a toy store. Joining me today is The Internet's Hot Soup, the artist who puts together the Daily Victim with me. Hello, Soup.

Hot Soup: I wouldn't really call it a Bestiality game, Fargo. Although ... you know ... I guess it's all in how you play.

Fargo: The object of this week's column is to "Meet the neighbors," so to speak. For instance, no sooner do you step off the train than you get accosted by a monkey. Like me, you're probably wondering: "Why wasn't this monkey encased in a plastic ball, rolling down hills at vomit-inducing speeds?" Maybe this monkey is some kind of gimped-up war veteran, unsuitable for monkeyball-duty.

Hot Soup: Then you get set up with the Nook --

Fargo: See!? Bestiality!

> Hot Soup: -- Mr. Nook. He's a raccoon and here's his pic. Look at the shifty eyes! It's clear he's in the mob. From the moment you step foot in town you're working for "Mr. Nook." Also, somehow, you owe him a huge mortgage. You gotta pay him his green or he'll send the 'coon goons after you. You're not in the town for more than two minutes before you're his ho. Even animals in the forest aren't free from the menacing forepaws of organized crime.

Fargo: That store he runs -- Nook's Cranny? It's got to be a front. I came in with seashells and stuff I found in the city dump and he paid me big bucks. Yet somehow within a week he's got enough money to build his shack into a department store. How? He's got some action going on on the side, clearly.

Hot Soup: Speaking of "action on the side," have a look here at Cupcake. We call her "The town bicycle." Everyone gets a ride.

Fargo: She gave me her cherry.

Hot Soup: What!?

Fargo: Well, the fruit. You know. She gave me some cherries. I planted them by the lighthouse.

Hot Soup: I suspected as much. She's such a dirty, trampy little ... uh ... what is she? A bear? Some sort of pink ... sheep?

Fargo: Don't go there. Oh hey, look who else I found near the lighthouse: Say hello to Gully. He was face-down in the sand reeking of Rum.

Hot Soup: Poor sailor was probably just trying to find his way to Cupcake's house.

Fargo: Get in line, sailor! Speaking of which, here's what the town mayor looks like. I found his wallet under Cupcake's bed.

Hot Soup: "Mr. Mayor likes it rough!"

Fargo: He's got kinda a fu-man-chu thing going on there. Look at the little glasses and the hat. I suspect he's the one riding around in the comical itty-bitty Shriner's cars during the town parades.

Hot Soup: The Mayor is on hand to tell you about special town events. Like if the Monkey gets hit by the train.

Fargo: I wouldn't say that the Mayor is in Nook's pocket so much as he's completely 0wned. He wanders around the town wishing well at night praying to God the next morning isn't the one where Nook has him liquidated so he can claim to have gone "legit." One day his shell'll be over at the police "Lost and Found."

Hot Soup: But Hambo man, he's solid. That's him pictured to the right. Hambo is like a ROCK.

Fargo: No, if he was a rock I'd hit him with a shovel so that I could collect the bugs that scurry out.

Hot Soup: You can do that?

Fargo: Yeah, for real. See kids, you do learn something from PlanetFargo!

Hot Soup: Hambo wears a bandana and says "yo" a lot.

Fargo: He's been like that ever since he broke the POWs out of 'Nam. Or was it the Bay of Pigs? Get it? Pigs? ... Bay? ... of?

Hot Soup: I can't believe this is your job. Hey, have you met the cops yet?

Fargo: Yeah, those guys make the Mayberry P.D. look like the cast of Judge Dredd.

Hot Soup: So you go to the police station, right? And they're just giving away stuff. Other peoples' stuff. Where does it come from?

Fargo: Here at GameSpy we've got a theory that it's all just coming straight out of the coroner's office. One time I found an Apollo moon lander in there.

Hot Soup: NOOK WHACKED AN ASTRONAUT?

Fargo: When Nook's boys hit the mattresses, nowhere is safe. He's like a walking Soprano's script. Speaking of hitting the mattresses, this here is my honey:

Hot Soup: Who's that?

Fargo: Mitzi the cat. Meee-yow! Baby she's got it all going on. "Hello, kitty!"

Hot Soup: Settle down, big guy.

Fargo: So delicious, cats ask for ME by name!

Hot Soup: Let's talk about Wendell the Walrus for a second. Every couple of weeks he comes wondering into town -- look at him! He's emaciated! Disgusting! Homeless! Starving!

Fargo: Yeah, this is a tragic tale that really underscores the heartlessness of the animal Kingdom. Wendell is an artist -- he draws wallpaper for a living. Does anyone give him a house? Or a bed? No! Not even the cops!

Hot Soup: I'd just like to remind these animals that young Adolf Hitler was also a starving artist. Think about THAT next time you decide not to give the guy a fish.

Fargo: I'm a big fan of the museum. Have you been there yet? Have you met Blathers the Owl?

Hot Soup: Yeah, the dude's a total narcoleptic.

Fargo: He's been that way ever since Nook's goons roughed him up a little too hard during their last heist.

Hot Soup: No wonder the museum's empty.

Fargo: I'm telling you, beneath this fa¿ade of trees and flowers, this whole sordid Animal town is perched on the precipice, teetering on the brink between civilization and wretched anarchy.

Hot Soup: What will be the tipping point?

Fargo: The tipping point will be the day that Thom Nook goes shopping and someone pops a revolver fulla bullets in his back. He'll fall to his knees and drop his bag of fruit, oranges spilling out all over the sidewalk.

Hot Soup: Wow, and then everyone will scrap and fight over the remnants of his wicked criminal empire?

Fargo: Hell no, everyone will chase after the oranges. Those things are worth mad bells. It'll be brutal.