This sound system should meet the minimum requirements.
(Pic courtesy LANParty.com)
It's true: THX -- the George Lucas company that worked so hard to improve movie audio -- is going to begin certifying sound in PC and video games. After intensive testing, THX labs will allow games that meet their exacting criteria for sound quality to slap a "THX Certified" logo onto the game box. EA will be the first company to try it out. This exciting news was eagerly welcomed by enthusiastic gamers such as GameSpy reader Mike Palomino, who writes: "Big deal... it's nothing but a marketing ploy, used to bolster EA's sales and keep the THX brand recognition alive. THX is over-rated.
P.S. Post some pictures of your wife."

Heady praise, indeed.

Those little certifications can tell you a lot about the quality of a game. For example, games using GameSpy's multiplayer technology have the little "Powered by GameSpy" logo on the back, which -- combined with wearing a GameSpy tee shirt into the software store -- is a great way to meet chicks. But I digress. What's really missing from this industry is a REAL certification, you know, something gamers like you and I can count on to be certain that a game meets minimum quality standards.

That's why I've created my OWN certification program, effective immediately. Only games that pass my own exacting inspection will earn the "Fargo Certification:"
Now there's a logo that game boxes can display WITH PRIDE!

Fargo's Intense Testing Regimen

My exacting standards for a game are no cakewalk, as anyone who's ever walked cake will attest. Just as THX engineers certify everything from sound fidelity to equipment to workspace environment, I will leave no stone unturned to ensure that the following criteria are met:

1. The Game Must Contain Dogs. Ever since Wolfenstein 3D, games with dogs have historically been as much as 50% cooler than dogless titles with the same gameplay. Medal of Honor: Allied Assault? Dogs. Infinite, respawning dogs, in some places. That's a mark of quality.

2. The Game Must Contain One or More of the Following: Pirates, Vikings, Monkeys, Ninjas, Nazis, and/or Zombies. This isn't hard, people. Just toss a couple in there. Tony Hawk 4 allowed you to skate with an eyepatch and a pirate hat, so I give them full credit.

BONUS: Combinations, such as "Viking Pirate Zombie Ninjas," score extra. I'm pretty sure one of those was a boss monster in Return to Castle Wolfenstein. For the record, the movie Pirates of the Caribbean had a zombie pirate monkey, making it an instantaneous cinematic masterpiece.

3. The Game Should Be Playable With a Beer In Your Hand. Take PC games, for instance, which usually go overboard with the complicated controls. Many of them have a "mouse/keyboard" control scheme. I prefer a "mouse/beer" control scheme. Someday, science may invent a game that enables "beer/beer" gameplay, with a beer in each hand. I tried this once with Dance Dance Revolution Remix but spilled my Rolling Rock.

BONUS: Any game that makes me laugh so hard that beer goes up my nose automatically wins the seal.

4. The Voice Acting and Storyline Cannot Drive my Wife from the Room. So far only one game has failed this test: Metal Gear Solid 2. Somewhere between the weeping and the incest and shortly before the naked man, the dialogue proved to be too much for her. Lemme tell you, this was a real accomplishment.

5. It Must Pass the "Dave Perry Halloween Costume" Test. Shiny's outspoken founder, Dave Perry, came up with a brilliant acid test for good game characters at a speech he gave in 2002. It goes like this: If people don't want to dress up as your main character for Halloween, YOU HAVE A TERRIBLE CHARACTER. Let's take a look at how this pans out:

The Dave Perry Halloween Costume Test.
I admit, my testing is grueling. I also require developers to provide me with the beer. But I do it all for you, the loyal, discriminating gamer. From now on, if you see my seal of approval? You KNOW that game's got my face on the box. •