Examples: Snowboarding (Final Fantasy VII), 3D Battler (Final Fantasy VII), Arm Wrestling Mega Sumo (Final Fantasy VII), Fishing (Final Fantasy XII), Blazin' Caravans (Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles)
The concept starts out simply enough: Take a real life sport or hobby, then simplify it into minigame form. Somewhere along the Square assembly line, that concept is forced to inbreed several dozen times, finally spawning forth some bastard abomination. Note that most of them compensate for minuscule fun with action-packed names. Tacking on "mega sumo" does nothing to change the fact that the game is about arm wrestling. Fishing requires you to wait by your controller for long periods of time, hoping for a nibble. By the time I catch anything, I'm too drunk to battle my way home.
Outstanding Offender: Super Dunk (Final Fantasy VII)
The name itself is a misnomer of Seinfeldian proportions. Absolutely nothing in this game involves dunking (or anything super, for that matter). Rather, this game is more of an adaptation of the Midway basketball shooting games. In those games, however, one gets to pop off as many shots as one can in a given time period. In Super Dunk, AKA Painful Timing Game, you have to push the button. That's it, just push the button. If you pushed juuuuuuust hard enough (there aren't enough "u's" in the world to explain juuust how difficult this was), Cloud shoots a basketball into a hoop, and you get to go again. If the planets didn't align and you don't hit the button right, you lose the game. You couldn't even smash the game's gil-box with your penis-compensating sword, either.
4. Games With Ridiculously Complicated Setups That Eventually Require Pressing One Button
Examples: Chocobo Hot & Cold (Final Fantasy IX), Dodging Lightning Bolts (Final Fantasy X)
A lot of Final Fantasy minigames start with a ton of presentation, then you just sit there pushing a button like George Jetson (but you never get to date his hot daughter). Sometimes, it seems like the game designers are testing the will of the player. Because, you know, gamers sure don't get picked on enough. Game designers love doing things like telling the player that some ultimate weapon awaits them, if they can just dodge hundreds of exciting lightning bolts. Then, when the player hits the field, it turns out that "dodging exciting lightning" just involves pressing triangle. For like five hours. Even the biggest "getting hit by lightning" fanatic of all time would get bored pretty quickly.
Outstanding Offender: Mog House (Final Fantasy VII)
The Gold Saucer arcade in Final Fantasy VII contains lots of minigames, all of which are slightly more fun than standing around doing absolutely nothing. One particularly nasty offended is a gil-sucking machine called "Mog House." After inserting the required amount of money, a lush story unfolds: A Moogle lives in a house. Apparently, this Moogle needs a mate, but can't get one because he can't fly. This might make more sense if I could ever sit through all the onscreen text that explains the backstory. Finally, the game switches from "pressing the button to get through tons of dialogue" to "pressing the button to give the Moogle a nut." Even the rampant sexual overtones aren't enough to keep the average gamer interested in pressing a button over and over.
Looking at all these minigames, I can't help but conclude that something's gone haywire in the Square minigame development department. I suspect an infestation of interns. I'm not sure what's worse: that Final Fantasy is packed with minigames that just aren't fun, or that when they finally make a minigame that's genuinely awesome (like Final Fantasy VIII's Triple Triad), they spread thick it across an entire title.
Complaining about minigames in Final Fantasy is probably akin to complaining about a cherry that's atop a delicious sundae. But, please, could somebody tell the management that their batch of cherries went sour a long time ago?
Evan Hoovler writes for many popular comedy websites. He co-authored the National Lampoon book "Pimp It Yourself," and he wants to be your Facebook friend.
