It doesn't matter if the game you're playing came out 15 years ago, or last week -- if it's a platformer, chances are it's going to feature some very familiar stages. We've been jumping through ice levels, lava levels, and haunted houses since the '80s, and we shall continue jumping through ice levels, lava levels, and haunted houses for as long as video games exist. We know it's too much to ask developers to come up with some new themes for their levels, so instead, here are some ideas to spice up the old classics.
What to Expect From the Standard Ice Stage: Slippery floors that send you gliding merrily into chasms, snowy floors to slow you down, and plenty of igloos and candy striped North Poles in the background (apparently game designers aren't aware that only one of those exists). Also, at some point, you will find yourself frozen inside an ice cube.
The Usual Enemy Suspects: Polar bears, penguins, and bad guys from earlier levels in adorable hats and scarves.
How to Freshen Up the Ice Stage: Three words -- the Dick Meter.
Anyone unfortunate enough to live in towns that own as many snowplows as city buses knows the effect that extreme cold can have on your junk. If players let their Dick Meter hit bottom (thus reaching maximum shrinkage), your game is immediately over, because really, what would be the point in saving the princess at that point? The only way to survive would be to collect enough hand warmers and protective tube socks.
What to Expect From the Standard Fire Stage: You're either be inside a volcano, or one will loom in the background, so expect a lot of molten rock. Also, chances are good that you'll encounter an on-rails segment where you have to ride a moving platform over a large lake of lava.
The Usual Enemy Suspects: You can count on lava pits having some sort of fire-spitting creatures living in them. Also, if you encountered any annoying, fluttery, flying enemies earlier in the game, they'll return as annoying, fluttery, flying, flaming enemies.
How to Freshen Up the Fire Stage: Despite what game designers want you to think, lava isn't really all that threatening. Someone riding a Segway with the speed set to "medium" could easily outrun it.
Volcanoes aren't one-hit wonders when it comes to killing, though. Poisonous gases, acidic air that can sear the flesh right off you, mountains of ash that can crush you and blot out the sun, and the granddaddy of them all, the pyroclastic flow -- a huge thousand degree cloud of rock, ash and gas moving at over 300 miles per hour. Game designers love destroying us, but for some reason, they're leaving all these excellent methods of murdering players on the table. We don't get it.
What to Expect From the Standard Desert Stage: Cacti, quicksand, and (of course) plenty of pyramids in the background, because as everybody knows, when you're in Paris, you're always in viewing distance of the Eiffel Tower... and if you're in a desert -- any desert -- you're always going to be in viewing distance of the Pyramids.
The Usual Enemy Suspects: Scorpions, evil sentient cacti, and bad guys from earlier levels in adorable Egyptian costumes.
How to Freshen Up the Desert Stage: Take a look at this shot, and guess where it was taken...
That's Death Valley, usually one of the most inhospitable desert regions in the world. See, it doesn't often rain in deserts, but when it does, shit goes crazy, resulting in torrential rains and flash floods, followed by massive explosions of plant life. Our ideal desert stage would start in the usual bleak, sun-baked way, but by the end it would transform into something more colorful and flowery than a season's worth of Rainbow Bright.
