Hi kids. It's me: The MIA Nutjob.
Since last we met, my life has been demolished like a really ugly skyscraper on the Vegas strip. It was exciting to watch this giant, solid structure implode and collapse, and my mind whirled with the possibilities for that vacant lot and what I might make of it.
And then I started cleaning up the debris. FUCK. The debris. It is everyfuckingwhere. And it's heavy. And it's seemingly endless, because I'll hoist a big fucking cement chunk up on my tiny little shoulders and crawl over to the dumpster with it, spend an eternity trying to raise it up high enough to tumble into the roll-off container, and then turn around to crawl back for another chunk, all the while hoping my legs won't collapse and leave me in a puddle of urine. When I get back to the clean up site, there is no visible difference in the amount of debris. The piles of broken walls and the throat-closing dust haven't shifted. Haven't shrunken. I feel like I'm shoveling and endless pile of steaming horse shit.
Granted, it was my idea to demolish that building on the strip. It is my dreams that made the mess. I chose to end my second marriage. I chose to quit my job. I chose to work in an environment that is such that I fell AGAIN and cracked my skull AGAIN and am now on two weeks bed rest. AGAIN. It was me who decided to adopt a third dog, and also me who broke down into a sobbing, screaming puddle when I realized I don't have the strength in my legs to make that situation work.
All of this was my idea.
So I guess it's time to buck the fuck up and just make it work. Keep shovelling the shit, even when I'm so exhausted that it hurts to open my eyes (thank you concussion). I will not lose my house. I will live without cable and internet. I will not eat out. I will sell every damn thing I own that is of any value. I will not sink. I will not sink. I WILL NOT SINK.
I keep trying to imagine myself as a Phoenix bird - the beast who dies in a fiery mess of debris, but then returns, stronger and more beautiful than before.
I'm trying.
So not much going on then? :)
ReplyDeleteWell, you have the right attitude. Getting back on the right path isn't easy, but here's to you for taking charge.
Jeebus, girl. Watch your damn head.
ReplyDeleteGald your back. Just know Greenland is always only a phone call away. Mrs.M.G.
ReplyDeleteYay for being a phoenix! I want to be one, too!
ReplyDeleteI'd send you a helmet if I had you address !
ReplyDeleteGirlfriend... you just keep on shoveling. One day you'll feel normal again. (I mean, provided you don't keep knocking yourself the fuck out.) One chunk at a time. Next thing you know... you might be shoveling a nugget of fun or two along with the horseshit.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, protect your melon! For the love of all that is alive you're going to go totally tarded one of these days! It's tough, fuck that it is damn near impossible but just about the time you think you can't pick up anymore bullshit, you get a burst of energy that kicks you in the ass and you end up carrying two loads instead of one. It takes time but YOU WILL get there and like Zombie said, you'll find some fun along the way. Once the mess is cleaned up though, you'll be great again, and eventually life's fun little roller coaster will come to make you sick to your stomach and you know what, you'll be more apt to handle it than you were the time before. Vicous cycle that reminds us we are human. head up kat!
ReplyDeleteOh, yes, I know the feeling. My life is in a whirlwind as well, ever changing. The key is that we keep trying, right? Hey, you can always come sleep under the underpass with me. ::grin:: ((hugs)) sending you Love.
ReplyDeleteI think you're amazing. So there's that.
ReplyDelete