心情有点不知道怎样的今晚。。。
很久没有酱的感觉了。。。也许因为最近比较忙吧。。。少了很多时间乱乱想东西。。。
很想念康。。。
我今天剪头发了。。。有点后悔了叻。。。haihz....

昨晚是我第一次去前男友家庆祝圣诞节。。。
她们都说今年他家少了很多人。。。气氛也不一样了。。。
也许吧。。。我也不会知道。。。这几年来我都没在这个节日去过他家。。。
第一次跟他庆祝时我还记得。。。是在我中三那年。。。我刚搬回来。。。
那时的我还不大认识他。。。
在我影响里，我只记得他想拿粒气球送给我。。。当他拿到我面前时却给别人弄破了。。。
那就是我所记得和他一起度过的圣诞节了。。。
中四那年我们在一起。。。很不幸的。。。我们也在中四那年结束了。。。
在我中四生日那年，我第一次到他这间还没起好的房子。。。
也在同一间的cafe庆祝了才过去。。。
昨晚坐着在那旁边一个人的时候，看着他如今怎样对待他现在所爱的人。。。
不知道为何这些回忆出现了。。。
我看看那已经盖好大概有两年多了的房子。。。对我来讲。。流下影响在我心里的房子。。。
时间过得真快。。。
如果如今我还跟他在一起的话。。。我们会是怎样的了呢？？？
会像以前还很爱对方的时候还是会像我们烦着教徒的问题然后分手那时候呢？还满想知道的呢。。。
房子啊房子。。。
你代表了我们的开始也代表了我们的结束。。。当你盖好了的时候我们也就完了。。。
在你的阳台看小金鱼游来游去。。。
在你的厨房看着他煮东西给我吃。。。擦面包给他吃。。。
在你的客厅吃着他煮的食物一边看戏。。。结果他睡着了。。。
在你的房间有过我们两人的世界。。。我掉泪的地方。。。
这就是我在这房子有过的回忆。。。
看着你如今对你心爱的人甜蜜的聊天。。。我觉得自己不该在那打扰你们。。。
其实真的很想换位。。。在那只会让你们两不自在。。。
还要我听你们一起去过的地方。。。选衣服给你父亲作为生日礼物的时候。。。
我发觉我真的对你没感觉了。。。
只是有点遗憾。。。
我不是很想呆在那里。。。
这两年来因为我们分手的关系。。。虽然说是朋友。。。但我们一点都不像。。。
我们都尽量不会跟对方聊天。。。
直到现在。。。我可以感觉你真的已经放下了。。。
你可以对我有那种“爱料女生”的态度。。。我就知道你已经放下你对我的对不起了。。。
因为我知道你都很爱料女生。。。
也许因为我终于在你面前zhen认我有男朋友了的事实吧。。。
你也酱放下了对我的内疚。。。
算了吧。。。
一切已经过去那么久了。。。
为何还要拿来烦呢。。。
只要大家现在开心就好。。。
大家都有自己的不同的生活要过了。。。

perhaps...

perhaps...
after all...
im juz being stupid...

i knew it yet i did nth...

when i knew its going to be difficult in the first place...
why have i decided to start it...
i know ppl will think im so weak...
i thought of running away and hide myself when i met problems...
i should have give it a try be4 i give up...
i know...
yet...
i juz dun have the courage...
or should i hold on...
to the principle of...
let it be what it wants to be...

emo...what should i do...

if only i know what to do...what should i do... recently my friend got together with a guy and pair up to be a couple... the thing that i admit i envy is that they are together at the same place...whenever they want to meet...they can just hang out together... i know comparison is able to kill...but its not my fault the thought strikes my mind rite? well...who will not wish that their partner is always there for them... another thing is that they juz got together...but they had already told their parents about the presence of another...though nagging is not able to be omitted...yet i think its a good practice...at least let them know about it... seriously i really envy them...they just got together if not mistaken not even one month only...yet me five month plus going to six dy?? yet i cant let my parents know openly about my relationship... why cant i juz let them know?? whenever i think bout this...other thoughts strike my mind...then the feeling to tell all of a sudden will juz disappear and i end up being emo...good!!

why cant i tell rite? why cant i?

im not that type of people who dun need a family...i need it and i love my family...what if my parents disallowed us to go together...what should i do...i have no idea at all...i will be lost for sure...before this there is a period of time my mum got nervous about this and sort of had a hint that i have a bf...somehow that time i told a few lies and manage to go through those questionaire without admitting i have one...and she knew about that guy dy...i told some description of him to her dy...one word that i cant get it out of my mind even though she is laughing when she says that...i know she might be joking or maybe she is really giving hint to me...i have no idea at all...she said: " what can u do with a furniture guy (cantonese-ka si lou)?"... you wun understand how do i feel at that time...actually perhaps deep inside myself i still mind...he nearly go to study in new era before this...but ended up his dad disallow him to becz he thought that 3years are too long...perhaps his dad want him to take over his business in this few years...that one i dunno...his dad said that why cant u study urself at home...he got into arguments with his dad...he said how can he learn those specific function of interior designing at home... the bad point is that i know he knows wat i worried and wat i felt when i get to know this...he keep apologize for giving me a hope that cant be realized...i do admit that be4 this i really thought that it might gets easier for me when he really go over to new era... i know im being selfish... im sorry for that my dear... im scare of explaining to my parents... how am i suppose to explain about all this working and distance stuffs... even when ppl got to know about this distance relationship...the first suprise question is sure to be "How u two got to know each other" out of curiousity and care or concern perhaps... the problem is on ME... my point of view... i have to be brave and think that it is nothing wrong... but as u know Rom is not built in one day... i need time too... and how long do i need ler... now it is so much better dy seriously... i dare to told my classmates, my friends, even letting them to meet him..my ex... well...i got improvement dy huh...congrates""" haihz...................................

positive...stays positive...but i know i cant...

things would have gone so much easier if im those easy-going person and not those who keep the problems to their heart and got emo any time i thought about it... i think too much about the consequences of everything... im improving dy man...im improving...keep in on gal... can i really solve this problem that has leave a mark on my heart for all this while??? can i??

i know my parents care about me...i love u all...

sorry to those im being selfish to especially u...i know i had always caused u to be emo...i really dunno wat to do my dear...

21/11/08

yesterday was my sociology presentation...lolz...well i wasn't afraid or nervous till the last minute when its my turn to give the speech...haha...i realize my hands and legs are trembling again...oklah not very good...but might be forgivable because this is our first presentation for this sem after resting for so long...

*was looking at the slide*

*dressing in traditional clothes as our topic was culture*
*from left- siaw in chinese costume, quan in western costume, siewyan in chinese costume too, sueyuen and me in kebaya, and ellan in indian costume-khatta*

that was yesterday story...right after yesterday class i slept from 5smthg till 10smthg at night...terrible rite? well the day be4 that, was accompanying siaw to prepare for the presentation till 4smthg early in the morning...slept at 5am...thats why...then should have start studying for today management mid-term test...but too sleepy...ended up fall asleep and wake up for a few times...then today after class only consider really starts studying for the 4.30pm exam...

lolz...last minute studies sure got balasan one... see... almost all also easy questions only...but alot looks so familiar to me yet i forget where it is taken from...where it is located in the notes...unlike what i usually did to remember wat i read and wat i should answer for the questions... haihz... i think because of stuffing all the notes into my brain in that few hours...everything went disorder now...haihz...wonder how much can i get this time?

assignments

i'm having a few assignments in hand to finish up and mid term is coming soon...still cracking out idea for a new product to produce for swatch company which we are working on for marketing...

swatch shop

007 villain collection swatch watches

fall-winter collection watches...


others:

these are a few examples of images we got after visiting the swatch shop in one utama... we wasted our shopping times just to locate this shop there... and images are the only things we got... and wao...the prices are indeed beautiful too...even children watches costs rm100 over...
adult ones go up roughly from rm200 over to rm800...

condition forces ppl to change...

when i say condition forces ppl to change...is this considers happening to those unfortunate ones only...or to most of us?

i got to know ppl who are facing family problem, changing themselves to a much more independent fellow...and becz of family problems too...some have to give up their own ambition and do what they SHOULD do in other ppl point of view...

thats why...sometimes when we really have no choices...it is indeed not easy for us to remain happy-go-lucky huh...

11nov 10.42am (continued after class)

its 11 nov 08...8.33am...
9am got class...haha...early rite...usually i wun wake up so early and have nothing to do but to blog here...feel to jot down things after so long din blog...
last saturday...me, meiyen and sueyuen went to kl to shop...started journey at 3.30pm and reached there roughly 5smthg dy...then took lrt to kelana jaya then bus to 1utama...its already 8pm by the time we reached there...ate at mcd for an hour...lolz...
we went shopping for awhile only then realized we had to find swatch shop to ask bout some info about our assignment...huiyo...1utama so big that we almost got lost there..dunno turned how many rounds here and there before we finally found it...
yet at last...nth much we got from there except a few pictures taken and our tiredness...
meiyen's bro fetched us bec to his house...
the next day...met up with eileen, sam, jingtheng, pinying and her two friends...went shopping at sg wang and berjaya time square...bought two shirts...oh ya...i accidentally met him with all his cousin sisters...he said he dun plan to meet me there first...lolz...i juz said hello to them becz if i din talked or anything sure ppl will feel i'm rude...then sueyuen said they looked at me from top to bottom...lolz...haihz...
then we board bus bec to kampar at 7pm lo...
on 10 nov 08...i still went to class though he was here...2pm came bec then roughly 4o'clock only we went to tesco to buy food...came bec at 6pm...very tired...6.30 cooked the red bean...then he started to cook spaghetti...sueyuen and kamwoh came over for dinner...its delicious...i cant deny it...lolz...
11pm we went over to siewyan's hs to find his phone cover which went missing...but unfortunately it was not in her car...then we walked over to westlake...talked talked and talked...time flew...it was 12.30am when we decided to come bec...at first we wanna had the red bean soup as supper be4 we slept...and i knew he was very hungry...but becz of my fault...i was too tired to wake up once i lie on the bed...he accompanied me...ended up both slept till 5am...hahaha...then sleep bec till 7am...he bathed and got ready to go bec dy...after one bowl of red bean soup and two "ji dan gao", the taxi uncle fetched him to the bus station...

and here he goes...bec to his home...

haihz...when i came bec from U juz now...i realized i'm kinda moody today...i guess i know why...

haihz...yet...i realize i enjoy myself being with him...and i appreciate his presence becz he appreciate mine...

how do they?

i used to say how selfish ppl can be...
now i realize i am too...
sometimes its so much better when we dunno anything...we wun did anything that will hurt others...
tmr is a new sem and i had to wake up so early...yet i am still wide awake here...
human being...
i have no idea how they are created at all...
yet each and everyone of them has their own special characteristic...
thus...causing people to form groups in a community...
i wonder how do they learn how to socialize with people from different ethnic and behaviors...

how do they learn how to make friends?
how do they learn what is love?
how do they learn to hate?
how do they know what is revenge?
how do they know when to let go and when to appreciate?
how do they choose between the two diverge road?
how do they realize their own mistakes?
how do they know when to take the initiative to thank and to apologize?

and if everything we did have never gone wrong and every decision we made have been a right one...will we be that happy with it? or will we fail to learn what does the word "satisfy" means?
often we mentioned how important can a person be in our life...yet...the saying that says- time cures almost everything is still true...

how do we actually leads a perfect life when nothing can be perfect???

to U

i read ur blog...and i know what u meant...
trully sorry for all the troubles i had caused...
i know i had no right to advise...
i know what to do...

tEntH noV^

its another night alone in the living room listening to songs and blogging here...
dear zeroxn's blog...
oh ya...yesterday my result is out dy loo...
i get 3.88...not bad huh...haha...
my english get B+-3.3 only...others all A... thats why it drags my gpa down...
but its still ok with me of course...haha...at least this mark shows that i didnt waste my sleepless nite for the preparation...btw...that hardworking sueyuen gets 4 pointer...indeed what a hardworking gal deserve to get...

listening to lamfung songs...its like start to love his songs...especially those for tvb series that i had watched be4...it had kind of feeling that can make me emo...and usually i love this type of songs...haha...

last two days my mum keep questioning bout my bf...
what i mind most is when she said what u can chat with a furniture guy (cantonese-ka si lou)...
i went speechless...today she din talk anything bout him with me...
haihz...i have no idea...what to do...what to think...what not to think...

next week going bec to kampar dy...so damn fast...holiday going to end...reena is right...holiday makes ppl becoming more and more lazy...and its happening to me everyday...when i go bec will i feel as emo as tsuann ner...missing my home...i have no idea...i have the experience before...luckily my bf accompanies me...next weekend he says he wanna come to find me at kampar...at first after all the questioning by mummy...i thought of delaying the plan first...but after awhile...i think...i really wish to meet him...and he tells me that he cant come over in nov...maybe he will only come to find me in dec or jan if this time he cant come...haihz...i dunno how to tell a lie again to my mum...idea i have dy...but i really dun feel good to lie to her every time i do so...HAIHZ...do i have another choice???

during raya holiday...i went out with tsuann...she has so much to tell me...
then i realize she is getting so much closer with eugene...
then i know sooner or later this two person will go together...
surprisingly this time i din feel emo...yet...eugene din change at all...he is there still with the old same problem...and as tsuann said they are both stubborn...so it will be pretty hard for them to solve this problem ba...i still feel eugene should think for others...from other person point of view...especially the one he loves...its not about the point he can give in or not...he cant expect one to change their belief for him...well maybe he need a gal like that...
that is also the reason we ended breaking up wat...haihz...its a past tense dy...
well...his love problem left for himself to solve ba...i'm nobody to him anymore...

qi...it seems u r getting much more better dy...
hope u r not pretending in front of me ba...what sw did in the future hope it wun hurt u deeply anymore...
emo...i understand u will still feel that...it cant be avoid...as long as u can handle it...it will be ok...

genting...

haha...it had been ages ago since i blog...

well lets see...many of my friends blog when they get emotional or when they get sad...
well...i admit this is the truth and the fact lo...ppl usually blog when they are unhappy...i experience before the feeling having nobody to talk to or juz that i dunno who to talk to...but feel to express myself...

so it can be considered a good sign that after so many months i din blog dy...well even today i dun blog because i'm sad or emotional...juz too bored...

lets see...
me and my bf...
it had been three months plus for us being together...actually last time i had a thought that my relation with my first bf lasted for one month...my second one lasted for two months...so when i started with my third bf...i had actually told him that i'm worried its like a spell on me and my third relation will last for three months...
well...whether the spell is working or not i really have no idea at all...i used to be very worried and scared before it reached the third month...but after all i realized no point worrying about it as i wun get any benefit from it...

september...
lets see...this month...can be very special...well...i'm happy la...the month of my birth k...
exclude the hardwork needed to be sacrifice for the final exam for my first sem...but i do have fun too...maybe not fun...haha...the feeling of studying and working hard together with my housemates and halfway through the midnight suddenly go to my housemate room ask questions or help...or juz to disturb see they all read till where...or listening to their complain of the noise pollution created by my other 5 housemates...haha...seriously they got so fed up lo...becz they are the hardworking type...hehe...then also...i dun have to have my dinner alone...often go out for dinner with meiyen they all...though kamwoh always call me to call him out for dinner together if i'm alone...but i juz dun understand why i wun do it...seriously it can be pretty depressing to have meals alone sometimes... yet at times...i still enjoy the feel of being emo...kakaz...ok...i know i'm odd...

besides that the night we spend playing tanglung one week before the exam..though abit lame...i still appreciate it...i like crowd at times...i enjoy the night we study together at meiyen's house before the final paper on thursday-accounts...i like the feel to study like this...having accompany...at least enjoy the time being together...

then finally finish my examination...hurrayyy...holiday...
and there is one problem that burden me throughout the exam week and the preparation for exam week...which is the plan to meet my bf at genting...its not easy k...so many plan fail before the last one succeed...

k...on 18th night after exam our class have bbq party...after feasting...me and ming fei were presented with a cake...if i have not mistaken...i think is tiramisu cake...haha...thks to my classmates o for the early celebration of my birthday...

on the 19th night...i went to my cousin bro's house...as my relatives from australia came bec...then moonkim meiyen they all went to lana...actually i knew they wanna celebrate my birthday as i'm going to genting on the 20th...really sorry...i ended being so late...almost twelve and went there with my sisters and cousins smmore...sorry and thanks ya...

on 20th i went to pudu alone...then at first i thought will meet qi they all there...but ended up asking ppl around how to go to lrt station...walk all the way to rapid kl then sit lrt to titiwangsa...this is the first time i board a few public transport like that alone...haha...ok...not a few...two only...i know its so common for those who study at kl...klo...meet her at titiwangsa and three new friends-junjie, ah wang, 9long...nice to meet u all o...in the beginning the plan is to board bus to genting but ended up going to genting with taxi...klo...check in in a deluxe room with only me and qi a room and the other three guys one room...as standard room is full...one room rm190 man...haha...luckily the other two nitez my bf pays...

klo...after check in rest awhile we bought all park tickets then went for outdoor theme park at four...we played all the exciting games there...the pirate ship the first, followed with solero shot, the cyclone, the spinning chair, the train...though few...but we enjoyed...as we succeed to force...kla...should said..."tham"...those who are scared to play all these to play...haha...this is the first time also i see qi so brave play solero shot and cyclone man...dunno what happen to her...haha...last time no matter how hard we persuade her also she will never agree to play with us...the last time i come to genting with her is when we are form 3...that is also the last time i go to trip with her dy loo...haha...this time to genting again...

then the next day...lolz...go and meet my bf at starbucks coffee...he called to phone him before i go find him so that he will be prepared...haha...at first i wanna do that but i din at last...he got a shock...lolz...then we went to find qi they all at mcd...on the way there...his hand accidentally knocked over my hand...he got so embarrassed...and put his hand in the pocket...haha...so funny...but one thing i'm really abit mad lo...he is so busy on call when at mcd...when i'm having lunch or breakfast with qi they all...though i know i shouldn't be angry as he is planning a big business that his dad let him talk to the client all on him alone for the first time...he is so happy when he succeed but later keep apologize when he knows i'm angry...haha...very bad leh...

before i went to meet my bf, i went shopping with qi...haha...so long din shop together with her dy...klo...after that...accompany them to the skyway...then they went bec dy...i'm all alone with my bf...we went to shop for clothes...he bought me two shirts...padini...hehe...then we check in...
at first he wants me to continue to shop...i'm tired u know...but i still says okla...u bathe first...but after he bathed...i'm asleep...hehe...sorry lo...stupid him...snap my photo when i'm sleeping...when he wake me up...very sweet lo...cause when at kampar...i used to be awake by his call every morning before school...haha...and now finally he realize how lazy i can be...i forget how long he needs to really make me wake up and clean myself before we went out again...haha...we went window shopping if i have not mistaken...then went for a nite movie at 1.30am...we watch money not enough 2...haha...we are holding hands all the while till in the end the touching parts i let go his hand...thought actually i'm hoping that he will take my hand and hold it...but he din...yet he is worried...i know he is thinking whats wrong with me...cause i realize he is looking at me not the screen...but i pretend i dunno...wahaha...when we came out...he keep asks me why...but i din answer...so we walk all the way bec to the room lo...haha...i got sensitive la...becz the ending part of the movie is so sad man...but i din cry...juz let my tears flood in my eyes...

the second day ah...he actually went out for window shopping one round then only come bec to wake me up..."cha dou"...i know i'm lazy...we din go to any theme park this few days together with him...that day walk around only la...went for movie at 6pm and 1.30am...haha...i knew i said to him before i love watching movie at the cinema and had been a long time ago i din watch...kakaz...i even watch the mirror twice...by the way...this is the first time i shout in the cinema when i watch the mirror with qi they all...before we went in...i still tell her dun shout ah in the cinema...ended up i shout instead of her...so embarrassing...

klo...third day is the day we have to tell each other goodbye not knowing when only will we meet again...sit cabel car go down the hill...i can see that he really dun feel to let me go...then we sit taxi from the half hill to pudu...because he is worried that my mum will scold me cause its late...
he hold my hand tight all the way to pudu...while i sleep on his shoulder...hehe...then i board bus bec to ti at 3.30pm...then in the bus after he went away to buy his bus ticket back only I know that when he watched I searched for seat in the bus…he went so emotional that he almost cry…the difference between the time when we reached pudu and I went to board another bus is only half an hour…I want it fast enough so that I wun have enough time to think so much and got so emotional till I dun feel to leave him…I knew I will if I have longer time…
this is becz when we are at genting all this while…he is there for me 24hours whenever I need him…and my hand is always that cold while his hand is always that warm…though his hand is rough…I knew he had worked hard through this rough hand… I knew sometimes he feel to give up… he had been telling me for thousand of times how happy he is now with me… and I knew and believed that he can be trusted… even in the future I might regret believing him after we happen to break up… that is my future problem… I have no energy to care that much now… cause I know no matter how unhappy I am now…I have him at my side to support me…
another point that make me feel that I am so self-concious is that I still cares that he can’t further his studies… I know I am bad… but I really hope he can do it… though he had told me seriously he cant… I promise him I will never ask again cz I dun wan to make him sad… yet in my heart… I haven give in…

friendship

how do we value things that we cant value...
i really dunno what to say lo...
suddenly my tears flow...
it had been years...
ever since i left segamat...
a place i had grown up to be a young teenage gal...
a place where i know what do love is...
a place where i enjoy myself with alot of activities...
climbing up the swing at qi's home and sitting on top of it looking around with qi...
and we used to be visiting each other house every thursday...where we do our homework then went out cycling and play...
love to sit on the swing in the playground and swing as high as i can...
cycling around with u tracking out where the uncle is to buy the jelly that i really missed nowadays...and i know u love to eat the satay stick...
i still remember standard six that time...
we sings a dunno what song and dance with our feet to the left and to the right along the corridor whenever we go to the toilet...
and u used to laugh when i made hana and thana (if i had not mistaken their name) quarrel... i touched the other fellow shoulder and the other will scold her thought that she is the one who touched her...and they will really quarrel...so funny...yet i enjoyed that...
we played tepung and water battled at the side of the toilet...
this memory unless i had already lost my memory or else i will never be able to forget it lo...
as i said...which i had already forgotten i had said this sentence before to qi...
when i checked out her msn blog on nov05...i discovered bec this sentence...
"xuen told me no matter how much we keep in touch...our relation won't be as good as now....cos we are already far apart from each other..... "
i dunno what to say...i remember the day be4 i left that night i went down to chaah...
on the way there my tears flow in the car...
on nov05 no matter how busy i am packing out stuffs be4 i left...i went out with u all...
we went to the gift shop...
actually be4 i left...i saw u all says goodbye to me...
i really dun feel to go but i have no choice..
there are alot more experience which i dunno how to explain in words...
i am not good in my speech neither am i good in my words...
but this is a true fact which make me sad (i get from ur march08 blog that i only discovered today):

"distance is a silent killer.. everyone knows it.. but i experienced it..
both of us try our very best to keep up with each other..
to keep in touch and update each other ..
but there's a gap...
a gap tat nobody can pull it near..
but i blif our friendship is there..
forever it will be..."

"speechless" again...emo~
it is not easy to accept that things around us will not last forever...

exam loo...

10am awoke...then clean myself bathe... another new day to go with final exam for this sem starts today...haha...seriously i'm lack of preparation and i knew it...haihz...got to do something dy...
juz now when i online, i saw u online...hmm...i dunno whether is it i sensitive or ..... a few times dy when i online and sign in msn, i saw u but after awhile you will offline... haha... i know it is abit sarcastic... dun care lah ...furthermore when i had chosen this road in the past few months, i knew i had to endure or take up all the consequences... whatever had past let it past ba... even if u dun take me as a friend anymore... on the other hand, me myself also cant face u and talk to u as a normal friend anymore... not that i din try before... but i knew i cant do it... what to do... it is not the same anymore...

that day when i saw a couple of les partner kissing in the reading room... i got a shock as i had juz woke up after a short nap as i can't concentrate to study there... they really enjoy themselves... as long as they are happy with it... i think it is still ok ba... whether i can adapt to that is another different story but yet i can still accept it ba i think... after awhile my sixth sense told me one of them saw me looking at them...then i dun dare to turn over there dy... but though i'm facing the notes on the table, my mind went blank... i dunno why... i start to think bec my past... ok...so called experience... the house i used to be loving to go that few months... from the structure of the house till it is finished building up... it is the story of ours too... it starts and ends soon enough as the house is ready for me to visit but it is not a place i wish to go anymore... it reminds me our time spend together there when it is not done at that time... the first time i went there is on my belated 16th birthday... not to say the last time i went there is when... but the most unforgettable trip is the one i cant forget till these days... the one i ended up crying and cycling bec my house thoroughly wet inside out...

i wish u enjoy ur days now...

i dunno why...
these few days always argue with hg...is not incidence i want is juz incidence i cant avoid i guess...
haihz i have no idea...i do feels i make him feels much more worst after he had enough of troubles and problems on hand...i dunno la...
sorry...
but that problem yesterday is that i really wish u can continue to further ur studies...maybe now i wun mind but i cant confirm in the future will i...even if i dun mind at all i do worry whether my parents can accept u or not...for this matter i really mind very much lo...thats why i choose to think bout the problem myself yesterday nite not wanting to add to ur worries but it ended up i make u cry...sorry too for causing u whole nite din sleep...yet i still angry with u this whole afternoon...this is the first time u gets angry with me lo...though i expect this to happen but juz still feels something when it happens...though at first i thought i can juz take it when i expect something to happen...i got a shock and stopped in the middle of my way to the store...then i off my phone for quite some hours and went shopping with friends...when i on bec my phone..there was 36 misscalls and few messages...i noe i make u sad...
am i going too much beyond ur limitation??

7/7/08

online till late night and be the late owl again...juz dun understand why cant i juz get myself to bed earlier...have to wake up early tomorrow ler...
automatically my mouse are moved to qi's profile page in friendster juz now...i miss and worry bout her...but...let it be low profile here then...hmmm...there is nothing i can say...nobody knows what leads what on from now and in the future right?
i'm lack of something which i dunno what it is...thats the problem of me nowadays...haihz...

6/7/08

juz now i look at the photoes taken together with gn...i question myself izit real i dun feel anything anymore? but its true...i dun feel sad and i dun feel i miss him anymore anyway...this is the reality of life...time cures almost everything...and this is the truth...
i read hg's blog jz now...he is a guy whom at this moment love and care me the most...whether i love him or not i am not very sure...a true answer from my heart ler...but i noe i do care for him...i juz dunno y...i'm touched by wat he did actually...then i started to think why not give him and myself one more chance right...no wrong of doing so...dun think much of wat is going to happen in the future cz we cant control wat will happen as well right? i can see he do appreciate my presence very much...thats enough for this moment...i dun put high hopes and dreams dy...whether is he the one or not is not important anymore...maybe our relation will end up very soon or pretty long...i juz dun feel to care anymore...i wan to be happy for this moment...
i noe if it was me the one before...i wun let this happen till i really love the person deep enough...but i realize everytime i did so i ended up hurting myself deep enough for a long time...wat for...right? its not easy to cure from those cuts...and being friend bec wit them is really not an easy job...
hmm...juz now my mum asks alot after she takes a peep at my message inbox and realize my inbox is loaded by his message...she even notice he is working instead of studying...i noe that makes her worry...thats y she shoots me so much questions which most i juz ignore...i cant answer u now...sorry mum...i dun wan to make u feel much more worries after knowing it...

ZeRo

i get to know how to open another new blog from a friend of mine who do so too...
lets see why do i actually put zero as a title of my blog...i'm actually cracking my head what title should i put actually and i struggle for quite long till suddenly i look at my purse or so called wallet which a gal shouldn't use...i dun understand why too...
ppl says when u have something u lose something as well..i dunno what have i lose...but i am afraid indeed...when i saw ta's blog of letting everything go and leaving diamond bay...then i realize i have the same feeling as well when i leave for utar...now i'm here for 6weeks dy...i actually still cant accept the fact that i had actually lost contact with qi...what is she thinking...she do wanna let go everything includes her friendship with me? seriously i am sad bout this...if thats her choice i cant do anything as well...ppl do change according to time...its scary...so am i...but the fact its not easy when everything starts from zero...at this moment u can have everything u loves and feels so warm and the next moment u can juz lost everything u have that u r happy with before...
i can't really believe that i had gave my ex-bf one more chance after so long...maybe i really went weak...i need someone to care for me...
i juz feel when ppl grows older ppl tends to turn into a loner...am i too sensitive?