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( love story ) was posted at 1:30 am
Friday, 23 September 2022
 We're drivin' down the road I wonder if you know I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now But you're just so cool Run your hands through your hair Absent mindedly makin' me want you And I don't know how it gets better than this You take my hand and drag me head first Fearless And I don't know why But with you I'd dance in a storm In my best dress Fearless ( Jealous (2020) ) was posted at 1:12 am
Thursday, 7 January 2021 I’ve read the letters you sent her and those she sent you i understood then, how your love had turned blue. you kept it to yourself you kept it from me your eyes, they did not see me. they did not gleam, the way they did when you leaned on her shoulder on that 2007 morning in October. all of those left; underappreciated, overrated, over-reacted. your love, sadly it then became frozen deep blue, and i couldn’t paint it golden. you were fine, but it was not true i’ve never seen a liar so terrible as you. how your heart broke, i could not mend it, you buried it deep, for me to understand it. yet you walked head high, your feelings veiled, you probably had enough as the moments staled. “she gave you scars.” *** she, the one who was given hopes one who had cared one who had pronounced love. it was all in a menacing snippets, what you have shared together, a little secret. why all the effort, i ponder if it all ended in shambles, a lost wonder. beauty and words, she hit the points; — hold up; was it a hit, or a miss? this paranoid heart whispered if you have ever shared a kiss. no matter, silly mind, we’ve got to move along. for i kept my doubts for 3 summers long. “you gave her scars.” *** there she goes, of ladylike grace. something that this part of me will never embrace. did she love you, or did she simply not? her story is something you rarely brought. she had her dreams of you, you in her dreams, both running free around the ferris wheel with frappe tops in cream. she took photos of you and you of her, calm down now, boy, weren’t you such a player? “nobody was hurt in this scene.” *** who the fuck?! my brain yelled. when i saw you with a woman my brain, swelled. but strangely, i took it well. short and simple, i didn’t know who she was. how insignificant, nothing was lost. “she was your game changer.” *** are you guys together? damn it, you tend to turn me into an investigator. rumours turn to whispers of stories untrue, ended up knowing she liked your friend, not you. “it was a fucking mirage.” *** your hands in mine, intertwined breathless in warmth, enveloped in time while they would have loved you, wanted you missed you yet these moments, would they had had it, too? it felt exclusive, inclusive. it was more than just “good night—sleep tight—sweet dreams” and a round of “take care, because i care” this was ultimate secrecy, wrapped in an invisible pinky swear. i would have been the devil their disruption the one who got in their way. undeniably persistent, i extended my stay. you never made me yours, and i never called you mine, in childish informality, no; but yes, in matured time. we joked about them all, the memories turned into stories. stories you said you were glad of, because it ended to find me. nevertheless, jealous was what i felt, as they all were brutally true. why is it only me? i wonder, if you have ever felt it, too? ( to you. ) was posted at 11:09 pm
Wednesday, 7 November 2018
to you, the one I have loved dearly. if you have found this blog, I have left this note intentionally for you to read on.
funny how 90% of this blog revolves around you, you don’t need to scroll back to my archives to determine that. i had, once, dedicated this blog for you, about you, about us. “Us” didn’t exist back then, not then, when I was hopeless and you were clueless. It didn’t exist because it was not uttered nor assured, nor fixed nor affirmed. yet funny how the lack of affirmation gave hope, despite a tiny glimpse of it. hope built over trust, built over the many years of what I naively thought to be love. Was love, truly love? how could it be love when it was then shattered. How could it be when none of us speak of it? how could it be when there were so many strings left hanging? It was impossible. But could it be love, then, when I saw how it shattered? I remembered vividly, until now, how I shattered (literally) when I found out. I was disappointed, devastated - the walls broken. How my muffled tears turned into heavy, disjointed broken sobs as they were a few nights before. Thinking that I had finally lost you. I really thought I had. There were so many regrets, anger, that I buried so deep. I kept her somewhere it could not be discovered. I have forgotten her, and I had married you, and she had to come back. Scars do not leave us, they are us. They turn into that tiny ball of weakness in your heart, welled up and burst. But why now, after all these years? Because I was afraid. I was afraid i would lose you, again. ( detox ) was posted at 5:45 pm
Sunday, 8 October 2017
Dear everyone,
I have finally decided to slowly quit social media. I have officially retired my Facebook and Twitter account. I am only keeping my Instagram until I have fully come into a conclusion. 10 years of Facebook is a great deal. Made friends, enemies, connections, revelations, heartbreaks, vulgarities, opinions, wasted time and resources... I think I am done. I am leaving that life behind me now, because only then I realise I can finally move on and find closure. I have found closure. I can finally breathe. |
the blogger
"Standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset,"
I am a 29-year-old mom of two toddlers; I will update this section when my boys have gone to college!
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