Recently i think i put on some weight... perhaps two more kilos than what i should have... my father told me I'm fat... and on another occasion hinted i should eat grapefruit to lose weight. 

Met up an ex colleague who left the company just two months ago... his first response when he saw me was, "what happened to you???!!".

A few days ago on the train to work, i realised the source of my unhappiness all these years. Here they are:

1) I've always been fat. I have never been thin no matter how little i eat or how much i move. As a child (perhaps around five or six), i picked my fingers in hope that getting rid of some skin would remove some weight. In primary school, i remember learning from my helper that keeping long hair takes up more nutrients from the body and i thought i could be slim that way, so growing long hair it was.  I was still fat.

2) I'm a failure. I couldn't finish even a degree which my mother wanted me to.  I don't have nor will ever be able to achieve getting a bungalow or a fancy car which are my father's ideals of success.

I'm not blessed with skinny nor smart genes. One day soon i hope I'll be able to end my life and stop being a failure. I'm ashamed to be living like this. I'm a disgrace to my parents. It hurts a lot to be alive.