Manja kitty just went through an op after a serious accident. I hope a kind soul can take him in. All i can do is contribute to reducing his medical bills.

https://gogetfunding.com/crowdfunding-to-help-injured-cat/

A last minute decision to join Grace's group for the hike at Gunung Angsi.  Her friend dropped out on Thursday night and G called me at 10pm to ask if i'd be keen to replace that friend to go Malaysia over the weekend to Melaka (for Skytrex) and Negeri Sembilan to hike at Gunung Angsi.  After managing to shift my appointment, i confirmed my attendance mid afternoon of Friday.  It's been at least 2 years since i've been hiking, so i was a bit worried about my fitness and equipment.

Fortunately we had a fun group and things went really well during the trip!  :D

expenditure has been a bit high lately... i spent about 800-900 on the jogja trip, 1.7k for 50% of a cruise trip for the family, 291 for a gorgeous tumi bag, 450 on a donation, 150-200 on dumb dumb... time to cut back a bit...

the time i have peace and quiet sitting on the sofa... listening to a beautiful song... i would like to put down in words my pent up feelings in the past 2 weeks.

we returned dumb dumb back to the shelter just a week after he joined us.  biggie starting growing a phobia of him and/or his presence although she didn't elaborate on it.  out of respect, i didn't want to probe either.  it was convenient and diplomatic for me to put my point across that owners (of the house) first, all others second, and so we should eliminate anyone or anything that either of us deem as threats.

but i just want to say that it felt like it was just me struggling with getting him settled down in those few days.  it was not just dumb dumb trying to adapt to our place and routine, i was also trying very hard to get used to waking up early, preparing all his meals, learning how to entertain him, walking him, cleaning up the mess he occasionally created, and troubleshooting the incidents that didn't go as expected.  i think i now understand what "no support" means.

but i'd like to think that it was my choice and that i forced my housemate into this.  i also very much prefer to put myself down by saying i'm stupid for not anticipating this as one of the possible issues.  i blame my incompetence and personal failure for not being able to earn more money to afford a bigger space, more time, and possibly a companion for dumb dumb.

i feel like a total failure - at least for the past 1-2 years.

1. i tried to migrate my 5 beautiful goldfish into the pond here - they disappeared one by one and none is left now.
2. i tried planting plants at a nice sunny spot outside my neighbour's place.  the management insisted that no items should be placed in the common area (due to selfish neighbours' complaints), and the plants were cleared.
3. and now, when i try to introduce a companion to our place, he's being rejected.  

i feel sad and unjust about it.  it makes me feel bitter when i see her playing with our neighbour's dog or some kid.  this emotion needs to be fixed.  many thoughts above need to be fixed.

the therapist gave me a list of "unhelpful thinking styles" during our CBT to bring awareness to my thoughts.  my thoughts regarding this episode are probably categorised under "Personalisation".

Definition of Personalisation: This involves blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong or could go wrong, even when you may only be partly responsible or not responsible at all. You might be taking 100% responsibility for the occurrence of external events.

i keep thinking of hanging myself.  i haven't cried so hard since so many so many years ago.  i haven't felt that pain in my chest for so long, except that the pain is muted this time.  i feel so useless.

nobody knows.  nobody wants to know either.

i miss having duncan at home.  he's probably happier with his friends at the shelter, but i really thought i could work this out.  i miss the warm spot on the marble floor by my bed where he used to sleep on.

I think about how Christmas is almost coming and i feel like weeping... It's not that close but oh well... 

i feel like i just died again... it hurts so much but it's different now because the medicine numbs me... the muffling is like how wearing earplugs on site sounds like...

Uncle Duncan

We have a new member in our house! He is Duncan, a mongrel we are fostering from SOSD, estimated to be 10 years old. 

So how it all started was... our neighbours have a couple of cute pooches (a shoutout to nikko, baby, and juju!) who love the grass patch just outside our place. I know our place is not cat-friendly coz there are no window grills, so having a cat is out of the question. Our place is really tiny so poochie has to be low energy and hopefully not too big. And i guess i really felt like i needed some company at home... at least a commitment which will keep me moving forward.

Iris and i have been looking out at the shelters' posts on senior dogs for fostering or adoption and it occurred to me that fostering a senior dog could be a good start to... saving a doggeh and giving him/her the last few years of love and joy it could ever have. Rarely do people adopt senior dogs because everybody loves puppies and their cuteness overload. Fostering a dog from the shelter defrays some cost for the shelter because the fosterer provides the space and basic necessities for the dog. And of course, for first timers like us, we get an incredible lot of support from the volunteers at SOSD. 

So how it happened, one night i was looking at the website and i thought i should fill up the fostering form as a first step. The first move is always the hardest but let's do it! It was basically to make contact with the shelter, not to order a poochie, so why not? Shortly after, i got a message and i voiced my concerns about our small space, busy working schedules, etc, and we decided to meet up so that he could show us the potentials. The first (and one and only) fella he showed to us was Duncan. We took him out for a walk and he's the really calm and chill sort. He's uncertain of strangers being overly affectionate with him but once he warms up to you, i think it's unconditional love. He doesn't lick lick lick, nor does he have many teeth to bite. The next visit was to bring him out for a walk around the shelter to see how obstinate he can be if he doesn't want to move. But good boy still, he eventually budged. Subsequently was the home recce trip by the volunteer to discuss the arrangement, and just two days after that, the big move.

A bit on the volunteers, they are like the angels for the dogs. Through this fostering process, i got to see how much time and effort it takes to rehome a poochie - from making contact with people who express their interest, meeting up and understanding their preferences to show them the potentials, some interaction time with poochie, answering a zillion questions (sorry clarence!), home visit recce trip to advise any potential concerns, and finally the big move. This process is what we went through for fostering, and I'm sure the adoption process will be even more tedious and stringent. The volunteers whom i interacted with (clarence the rehomer, the girl whom we didn't get her name during his walk, xulan for the recce trip, and maureen for the move) were all very helpful in giving advice and tips to this first-timer. They all want the best for Duncan.

So what fostering encompasses is... instead of duncan staying in the shelter, he stays at our place. We provide food, water, love, showers, and, basic care, while we wait for a potential adopter to bring him to a forever home. The shelter provides his medical care like vaccinations and any medical conditions that may arise. This gives us, the first time and uncertain dog parents, a good idea of how having a dog is like. 

So, duncan moved in yesterday. In the morning, we met up with the volunteer at the shelter and we all loaded up into her car. Duncan was standing throughout the journey and he kept having a foot slipping off the seat. At the end of the ride, he puked but he's alright after that. Everyone (iris, jon, felix, kerstin) came over to welcome him to his new home. After his shower, we fed him and took him on a short walk and some grooming to shed his loose hairs. He was resting quietly throughout the night, but he still needs lots of time to settle in and be familiar with the place. 

The only problem i have so far is that he doesn't want to go home after walks. It takes a lot of treats to get him back, and he seems to have some fear and always looks like he's thinking a lot. But maybe it just takes time for him to get used to the routine.

His instagram hashtag is DuncanSOSD and he's got a couple of handsome pics there, along with brief description on his history. Duncan is affectionately known as dumb-dumb. Biggie calls him dunkie. I call him duncan or dumb-dumb.

♡•♡•♡•♡•♡

Absolute madness... just last week, i had my follow-up appointment with the doc and i felt pretty good. Less than a week later, i feel like I'm crumbling to pieces. Isn't the med supposed to keep my moods stable? I feel tired and irritated and pessimistic about everything. The only thing i do these few days - eat to fill the void, drink to drown the sorrow. I'm trying hard not to be shoddy in my work. Unfortunately my hair's been rather messy whenever I turn up in office. 

I put on hold the psychiatrist's suggestion to see a therapist, but it seems to have come to a point that i should proceed with it. Treatment is not cheap but it's still affordable. I think i value some life and happiness over this. 

Well... i think work isn't going as well as i would like it to be. I've always thought that the problem lies with my attention span and lack of perseverance. I don't know... it's a bad time to judge myself. 

I feel kinda sad to be posting this sort of negative stuff after a hiatus.