Negativity

There's been a lot of negativity going through my head recently. There's this monologue or voice or whatever in my head that goes...

"You're fat, ugly, stupid, poor, jobless. You're totally not living up to your parents' expectations. What are you? FAT. What are you? SHORT. USELESS." It goes on and on... the line that goes "What are you". 

I can't take stress. I'm burnt out and i don't know how to recover from it. I've lost all motivation to strive hard in work. Sure as heck no motivation to move on in life, because there is nothing to look forward to. 

What am i? Fat. I wish i fall very very ill, perhaps with cancer eating up the cells of my body, so that i can lose plenty of weight and make my father proud of having a skinny daughter. No more fat daughter. What a disgrace. 

Irrational thoughts, i know. But it is what it is.

Recently i think i put on some weight... perhaps two more kilos than what i should have... my father told me I'm fat... and on another occasion hinted i should eat grapefruit to lose weight. 

Met up an ex colleague who left the company just two months ago... his first response when he saw me was, "what happened to you???!!".

A few days ago on the train to work, i realised the source of my unhappiness all these years. Here they are:

1) I've always been fat. I have never been thin no matter how little i eat or how much i move. As a child (perhaps around five or six), i picked my fingers in hope that getting rid of some skin would remove some weight. In primary school, i remember learning from my helper that keeping long hair takes up more nutrients from the body and i thought i could be slim that way, so growing long hair it was.  I was still fat.

2) I'm a failure. I couldn't finish even a degree which my mother wanted me to.  I don't have nor will ever be able to achieve getting a bungalow or a fancy car which are my father's ideals of success.

I'm not blessed with skinny nor smart genes. One day soon i hope I'll be able to end my life and stop being a failure. I'm ashamed to be living like this. I'm a disgrace to my parents. It hurts a lot to be alive. 

Feeling shitty again lately... existential crisis... don't see any point in being around... no purpose in life... not procreating to repopulate the world... not able to meet parents' expectations (the education, the money, the house...)... they like to say "You see! That's a purpose!"... but where... it's just a form of consolation... it's high time to get my will done up... it will make things a lot easier for everyone... i stopped my meds for 3 days so far... just seems kinda pointless to take them anyway...

Yesterday was a follow-up appointment with the therapist.  i've been discharged from A42!!!!  i'm enjoying the gift i gave myself 3 years ago.  It's such a lovely surprise... sort of unexpected yet expected. A bit of a bittersweet parting, but this is the day we were all working towards to.  Thank you for the support over these years.  What a journey it has been... 

My moods have been so much more positive, and i don't feel like i have to put on so much of a facade for the world out there.  Sometimes i'm also riding on a high... which is an awesome feeling although it drains me quite a bit after a few days.  It's so much easier to meet new people too.

Coming back to the point... Amidst the Covid-19 pandemic, many people worldwide are suffering - no jobs, mental health issues from the stresses of survival, the torture from being forced to be at home with family members with whom they might not have the best of relations with... 

It may be insolent of me to say this, but it's been a great year for me.  The year of the rat, the year of my Chinese horoscope, was prophesied to be a bad year.  The fengshui master on tv during the CNY program early this year gave the year a horrible rating for the rats.  

Health: bad.  Wealth: bad.  Love: bad.

i haven't been so glad to work from home. It's been about 9 months since i've stepped into office.  i don't have to (and can't) drive around to collect stuffs from suppliers.  Our company hired more people for the Malaysia office, so i don't have to support them as much.  The company implemented some new internal systems that are giving us more repetitive work, so i'm trying to get used to it.  Weekdays, mostly work.  Sometimes drinks after work with friends.  Weekends, sometimes with friends, sometimes with family.

All is good.  This is the space that i really enjoy.  

i haven't fallen sick this year.  i'm so glad about it.  i think stress really screws the body up.

On a side note, i'm so glad that one of my good friends decided to make an appointment to see a doc for her depression too.  She said that she decided to take my advice.  We met up recently and she told me i was glowing - a bit of an exaggeration, but hopefully that will spur her on to start and continue treatment for a while.  It's always tough to follow through.

Recently i met this nice lady on the dating site and we're going for a staycation next week.  Looking forward to that! :D

It's been such a long while... i've been feeling so damn fucking good... this afternoon was an especially good afternoon... one of the best ever... i wish everyday could be whiskey and good hot sex.

To be honest, ever since circuit breaker started, i've been feeling better than ever.  Lots of time on my own, less busy at work (because i don't have to run around), best case scenario for the introvert.  Well, of course after the months of isolation, everyone needs a break... i've been meeting friends, meeting new friends from okc, and today, a great afternoon with the loved one. Hot stuff, love it, i miss him so much.

An update on the world.  We have been battling this coronavirus Covid-19 since around Nov or Dec 2019.  Covid-19 started out from Wuhan in China, got mocked at by the US as a Chinese virus, and has now spread around the world.  i believe no continent except the North and South poles have been spared.  The US currently holds the highest death toll at 40,000+ and counting.  China has moved on, reopening their states, and rendering advice and provisions to countries which are still walking in their path.  Singapore is under the Circuit Breaker implemented by the government which lasts from 7th April to 4th May, which has dictated that all businesses except for essential services are to have employees work from home, or close temporarily.  It is an unprecedented move, not only here, but everywhere else in the world.  The business models and all buying trends have gone haywire.  People are going berserk in isolation.

The wipeout of surgical masks, sanitisers, alcohol swipes, thermometers, and handwash.
The mad rush for the groceries when CB was just implemented here.
The last minute shopping at Ikea for table for wfh (work from home).
The hoarding of toilet paper.
The fully booked grocery delivery slots.
The travel restrictions.
The social distancing of 1m.
The tapes on tables, seats, and everywhere to encourage social distancing.
The ban on social gatherings.
The closure of the casinos, Singapore Pools.
The compulsory wearing of mask when going out.
The mandatory takeaway of food and no eating outside.
The squabbles between NEA enforcement officers vs stubborn folks.
The fines.
The fake news.
The Sheng Siong supermarket owners becoming billionaires because of the pandemic.
The closure of McDonald's (in Singapore) until the CB is over.

Everyone's worried about the older folks coz they are more susceptible to the complications of the virus.  Pneumonia is not something that everyone can walk out from.  We don't even know the long-term effects of the virus on our bodies.  You could also be an asymptomatic carrier of the virus and spread it to your friends and family.  These are what make Covid-19 most scary.

Just when everyone thought the number of infected cases was going down the last few weeks, the number crept up with the Singaporeans travelling back from abroad.  Two weeks later, the number spiked due to cluster spread in the foreign worker dormitories.  It's at an all-time high today because of the widespread testing of the densely population dorms.

The economy is... i don't know what to say about this.  Recession is probably coming.

All i can say at this point of time, stay home, stay safe, stay sane.

The fleeting thought to just be uncontactable for a day... turned to a thought of disappearing forever.

Just when i thought my mood picked up and was going to be stable for a bit, i came back from a family dinner and broke down at home.

Maybe it's the manic high of the last few weeks.
Maybe it's the 200% energy and 300% wit all zapped up.
Maybe it's the accumulated shortage of sleep.
Maybe it's the fatigue from all the hustle and bustle of CNY and exercise.
Maybe it's because i forgot my meds the last 2 days.
Maybe it's PMS.
Maybe... maybe it's just me.