The last time I blogged was 16 months ago.

I must start by saying I do not like December. December has traditionally never been kind to me. One problem is that since December marks the end of the calendar year, it always has to involve with something that I have had to leave behind while we move on to January of the following year. 10 years ago in December I had my heart broken. 9 years ago my heart was broken again. 5 years ago, the same thing happened as well. Unfortunately this year it happened again.

I want to feel sorry for myself. Maybe I deserve such heartbreak. Do people deserve to get hurt? I suppose not. But those who hurt other people would probably get hurt themselves eventually. I think it's now my turn to suffer the heartbreak. I think it's really sad. I'm 26 and I'm still having such problems as if I was still in my teenage years. What would I give to lead a peaceful and calm life.

You know, I gave you the world - literally speaking. But I think that even if I had given you the moon, it would never change things. I don't know if you really care. I know you say you do. You say you can actually put yourself in my shoes and think from my perspective. I find it quite an amazing claim, because I don't think I am so predictable. I wonder if you really think you know me that much? I think I am different with different people. I still feel that I never got that real chance with you, but you think otherwise. What was I supposed to do? We started off on a bad note. I sorted out myself, as you said you wish I would do. You said I was being selfish all the time, and that I never actually cared for your feelings. How am I supposed to react to that? I kept my distance from you because I know you never liked me and I didn't want to make you feel so uncomfortable. I thought that after some cooling-off time we could pick things up slowly again.

But now you say your perspectives have changed. I think, it's not your perspective that has changed - it's you who has changed. Really. I can feel it. Somehow over the examination period and the break I somehow felt something would be amiss. I first held out hope that it was only me over-thinking, but after much observing it does seem like you don't care already. It hurt a lot to realise that you were avoiding me on purpose. I could see it through and through, but I guess you have the right to do so.

I think it's really sad. I would like to think of myself as someone who can be sweet, who cares, who wants to look out for you, who wants to share my life with you, and hope that you would share your life with me. Look at how the past four months have changed us - we've turned from good friends to strangers. Maybe you don't hurt, but I am hurting that's for sure. It's difficult. I hardly had the chance to really spend time with you during the semester, and I really hoped that the holidays would give us the opportunity. Now it just seems like awkwardness is the order of the day.

I wonder where it all went wrong. You say you cannot bring yourself to like me. I suppose the fault lies somewhere within me then. I think it's called a manufacturing defect in your eyes. Well I'm sorry then on my part. I can't help it. I don't know where the fault lies, I suppose even if you tell me it would still not matter anyway.

I suppose you shouldn't and cannot force yourself, and I would be selfish on my part. But maybe I was hoping for too much. I travelled out of here just to clear my mind. I never really told anyone actually what I went through. Throughout the trip I felt and saw signs that I should move on to actually like you. And I think I did. I tried. I spent four days and three nights on your birthday gifts. Honestly I did it because of two things - one, because I can, since I had the time, and two - because I want to. I simply wanted to do something nice for you but it's not like I wanted to impress you anyway. My gifts were corny. And I know that for you no amount of effort would probably move you. I just wanted to tell you that I did all of that just because of you.

I never once asked you to like me back. I hope you know that. All I wanted was time - time with you, time to get to know you better. But now even that is all lost. Lost forever, I think. Which is sad and rather unfortunate. The past year has been a very difficult one for me. And to see that it has to end this way, I can't help but feel sorry for myself. I cannot fault myself for not trying - I think I tried my best in spite of the extenuating circumstances that made things difficult and tricky for me. Maybe this wasn't meant to be.

Maybe you deserve better people. I admit my deficiencies. I've told you how envious I am of certain guys. I can never be like them. I will forever be plain old Yusri. Nothing spectacular, nothing worthy of note. But I suppose I was created this way for a reason. I admit I'm weird, to the point of being queer. Even my little cousins can tell me straight to my face that I'm weird. But it's okay. I believe that somehow in spite of such odds I can make it in life somehow. My destiny is yet to be found, so my journey is still long. I hope you find your destiny as well.

Today I lost count of how many times I've teared/cried. Yet in spite of that I managed to finish what I was supposed to finish - my literature review section. It's been a sad and lonely day, and the following days will pretty much be the same. I guess my life is sad, but it's okay. I try to get by slowly, step-by-step. I suppose this is how things will end then. I'm sorry I've been a pest in your life then. I hope you go on to achieve the best in your life. I'm truly sorry for everything.

Loving you - that's what I was trying to do.