the last time i blogged was about two-and-a-half months ago. i assure you since then, a lot of thigs have happened. it's just that i've never found the will to blog.
so here i am on xmas eve, in school supposedly to do research for the thesis but what the heck. it's coming on at a really slow pace, but at least i've tried to start finding the books and journals and the newspaper articles. finding them is easy, but to actually pore through them and pick out their arguments... well let's just say even watching blackburn rovers against west ham is much less excruciating.
so the whole exam period came and went, and i admit i've never been so unmotivated to study as i was this time round. it was all about going through the motion, just getting by unspectacularly, especially after what was a tough semester. during the study period i found it very very hard to get myself to concentrate on revising even though i was in school. it got the point where i preferred the preceding period when i typed essays away at a rate of 2000 words per day. like a machine just churning out words and words, in total i typed around 28000 words in the last semester alone. not that i really want to relive those moments again, and i'm more relieved that the semester came as fast as it went. thankfully my cap did not dip by much. next semester hopefully will be more relaxed. just one module and the thesis to work on, and i hope the last semester to be the most fulfilling yet enjoyable one.
2 days before my first paper my paternal grandma left this world. i was already in school actually and surfing away on the laptop while trying to summon my reserves to get myself to begin studying when i got the call. so the whole day was spent with my relatives getting things done for her final journey. i've never been close to her, and i think only my eldest cousin was the only one close to her. still it's saddening to hear all the wailing all around, to see a loved one being buried in the earth, to see the face of death right in front of you. it's been 11 years since my maternal grandpa died too, so it's been quite some time since i've experienced death in family. nowadays i feel i'm always reminded more of death in many ways. which is good i think. i try to slow down the speed of my prayers, and i try to make sure i don't miss any of them. of course i think i still do a lot more bad than i do good. but still i think the thought of death, that one day passed means another day nearer towards death, is good. in life we all want to do good, to be good people, and to make sure our lives have been well spent doing things that are worthwhile.
speaking of christmas, does everyone really celebrate christmas? especially in singapore. if we base it on whether shops still operate on christmas, well i suppose we don't really do so. based on this then the only holiday that we celebrate is chinese new year! the eve of chinese new year is always a half day for most shops, and then they close for the first 2 days of the lunar new year. so i don't really understand the big commercialisation thing and the hype that accompanies christmas, especially in singapore. i wonder if this is really how the christians and the catholics really celebrate christmas, or is this how they really want it to be?
sometimes i wonder if we are overdoing things - to the point where they lose their meaning. what's the point of people showing off in the new paper their collection of agnes b, hermes or prada bags when in that same paper there are stories of people living day by day just trying to get by? why is there still demand for upper class type of shopping centres (like the recently-opened knightsbridge), when more and more people are struggling to pay off their home loans, and more and more people are sinking in poverty? for a response paper assignment in class my professor asked whether vote-buying in elections are democratic or otherwise. in the end i said so what if it's democratic or not? what matters that even if vote-buying might be undemocratic at least the payment that politicians award to their constituents (be it direct cash in hand, or public utility works that benefit all in the community) will go a long way in relieving the immediate crises that poor families face. maybe it's because i wasn't born into wealth, that's why i don't understand what is the big deal of having the need to flash your ridiculous wealth and such. but i think increasing materialism, which affects everyone, be it the working, the middle or the upper classes, suggests a more hollow type of life that we are living. which is sad honestly.
well, i think this my last blog post of the year. so till next year, happy new year to all readers!
p.s. especially to that someone who once said you are a fan of my blog, i really wonder if you actually still follow my blog. haha. in any case happy new year to you too!
the light you bring falls on me.
