sounds like a typical saturday for me actually. although this will become much more of a permanent fixture for the next few months i think. at least i have a new laptop to accompany me(yayyness haha) if i get bored of readings, then again we all get bored of readings all too easily.
life really sucks, the vicious cycle i mentioned in my previous blog posting is becoming even more vicious - and the work on essays are going to start soon. wow. i think i've never worked as hard as i am now in my entire life, and having said that this is not to say the hard work is paying off well. i think to do really well i need to do better than my current rate.
technically it' still the month of raya (well actually no, but based on a local cultural argument yes it is!). but i haven't gone out much anyway. most importantly i've visited my dad's relatives, my relatives back in my village in jb and went out with the silat people the other day. that should suffice for raya celebrations. it's not that raya holds no meaning, but what is the meaning of celebrating hari raya anyway?
i am lucky enough that i've been around long enough to be known by my name by my relatives, rather than the labelling as 'someone's son'. haha. but raya every year presents to me the same recurring theme that i've experienced for many cycles - that as every raya comes and goes, people get older and new people arrive on the scene, through marriages or birth.
but it is deaths that concern me. rather, impending death. my paternal grandfather celebrated his 78th birthday the day before raya this year. we gathered at his place on the eve of raya and celebrated his birthday with a birthday cake (just like me he's a september baby!). well he still looks fine, though he looks very worn out. my grandmother's condition has become worse in the past year even though she's relatively young by modern standards (only in her early 70s). she's almost bedridden and almost immobile, and her mannerisms remind me greatly of muhammad ali with parkinson's. its a sad sight really.
with the other neneks and atuks (or wawas) it can be equally depressing. it's quite sad when one of the actually said 'when i die don't forget to visit me okay'. another said in response to his unsteady balance and movement, 'my time is almost up already'. when we visited my maternal step-grandmother she said something about impending death too. on the first day of raya, i did my friday prayers at the alkaff mosque near potong pasir. then i noticed a coffin in the mosque. i felt so sad that the person passed away on the 1st day of hari raya. to pray for the dead on the first day of raya is quite depressing. to know a friend's grandmother passed away on the second day of raya is equally depressing. to know a friend can't spend raya with his mother is depressing too.
i'm happy that raya comes every year, but i can't escape the fact that as i get older so does everyone else, and that brings everyone closer to death. more so for those in their golden years. raya always reminds me of how much we've all changed and aged. i suspect that every raya will become more and more depressing for me, but i must remember that raya is a time of celebration and gaiety and not sadness.
well that's all for now. back to readings and more readings! selamat hari raya everyone!
reflecting now on how things could've been, it was worth it in the end.
